Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner: MARCH MADNESS PREVIEW
The rain may be falling in New York today but the sun always shines on the NCAA Tournament and we. are. so. fucking. back baby! Last week I watched teams called Lamar and McNeese literally punch each other out for a chance to make this tournament - ya can’t BEAT this stuff!!!!! It is my drug of choice!!!!! And you might be thinking “ok fine, but a dirty dancing reference in the title? it’s been DONE elena, it’s unoriginal” ok MAYBE or MAYBE I’m foreshadowing the fact that this season of Dirty Dancing is particularly borsch-belt coded- you’ll just have to read on and see. As always, we’ve done the research so you don’t have to, and are here to break down every single team in the tourney. Credentials for our research include the fact that Peroni, my dog, is a 2x Champion of a 15 person bracket pool. That’s right even our DOGS are sports savants! Was his dogs-always-win-cats-always-lose strategy buttressed by UConn coincidentally winning 2 years straight? Maybe! Again, you’ll have to read on to see! Without! Further! Ado!
SOUTH
1- Auburn Tigers
Starting off here with one of the jewels of the SEC this season, Auburn has spent the last few years really cementing themselves in the college basketball space (I guess they’re like, over football now.). Auburn dominated what many believe to be the strongest conference this year, thanks to a strong lineup of 5 starting seniors - that’s right folks they’ve got that thing we love to call EXPERIENCE IN THE TOURNAMENT. You might remember Johni Broom from years past, but really the whole team is full of veterans (literally they have a 25 year old on this team, Chad Baker-Mazara. I feel like much of this years tournament will consist of me being like “that guy is STILL IN COLLEGE?!?!?”). They also!!!! Have one of 3 (Three!) jewish coaches in the tournament (aaaaaand that’s the dirty dancing relevance I promised) in Bruce Pearl. This is a strong team, obviously, as a 1-seed, but HEAR MY WARNING: Auburn has lost 3 of their last 7 games entering the tournament, and lost in the SEC final. What they have in experience, they lack in momentum right now, and they have to do a hard reset to get themselves back into the winning spirit.
2- Michigan State Spartans
We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t bet against Tom Izzo in march. Despite losing to Wisconsin in the semifinal of the Big10 tournament, they boast the regular season title and an impressive 7 game winning streak that rounded our their year. Young star Jase Richardson (who’s dad was also coached by Izzo, many moons ago) is the heart and soul of this team and probably the only one with any future in professional basketball. The rest of this team is a gangly group of gritty guys who excel on defense (and not on shooting 3s, or shooting in general) who can dominate weaker opponents off the glass.
3- Iowa State Cyclones
She move her body like a cyclooooneeeeeeeeeeee!!!! The breakout stars of past seasons have hung around this cyclones team to maintain their powerful presence in the Big 12. However they have suffered a few injuries (Keshon Gilbert) this year that limit their ceiling, and even with their resident GAWM (Goofy Ass White Man) Milan Momcilovic (get ready to hear announcers brag about their pronounciation of that one), they’ve slipped in offensive efficients and turnover the ball … a lot. Fraud watch.
4- Texas A&M Aggies
Do the aggies have a perfect record? No. They went on a 4-game losing streak at one point this season. They had a lot of strong opponents throughout the year, beating Auburn (!) and LSU at the end of the season. They are the TOP TEAM IN THE NATION on offensive rebounds (feels like a fake stat like…just make the basket the first time then you don’t have to be good at rebounds…idk ok i guess second chance points are still points). They’re going to have to come up with something a little flashier on offense (besides the current “just give the ball to Wade Taylor IV” strategy), but their defense is strong and you know what we say about defense and winning championships! I mean, they’re not gunna win a championship but, still!
5- Michigan Wolverines
As someone who has seen the movie Red Dawn, shouting WOLVERINES ignites in me a filiality I can’t deny, and after watching this Michigan team win the Big 10 tourney by just getting the ball out of bounds but not being the last ones to touch it (reader I am not joking this happened 7 times in the last minute of the game), I thought, well maybe they’ve got something figured out here! Plenty of GAWMs to go around, notably Vladislav Goldin, who is the rare very big man who makes his free throws, and Danny Wolf. You look at these two very tall boys and think- what is in the milk out there in michigan!!! Despite their run in the Big10 tourney they kind of entered a flop era at the latter half of the season, so they will need to keep it together to get anywhere here. 5 seeds are a traditional upset-watch match up, but the sheer size of these boys might save them.
6- Ole Miss Rebels
Yet another SEC team with an imperfect resume, the Rebs are on the petite side (they’re not “ball-dominant”) and that could end up being their biggest issue this march (ok so you’re saying…they’re baby???), or, it could be their average of 9 turnovers a game. Y’all remember that I have a vendetta against Purdue & the Big10 in march - every year I am told they are a power 5 conference, every year they flop. Last year, the SEC had 8 teams make the tournament and 5 of them lost in the first round. This is me telling you: be on guard for SEC Frauds. Ole Miss could very well be one of them.
7- Marquette Golden Eagles
In this house, we support almost every Big East team (more on that when we get to the West region!), and in the absence of one of my fave coach names (RIP Penny Hardaway), Shaka Smart is a great stand-in. Pretty much anyone on this team can put up points, but Kam Jones is the standout (averaging 19.2PPG). They could go either way to be honest- they haven’t beat a good team since January, and even if you acknowledge the final stretch of their schedule was packed with some of the harder teams (they failed to beat St. Johns three times this season, including in the Big East tourney).
8- Louisville Cardinals
When you say the word louisville you’re gunna really use the bottom of your mouth on that -ou sound - reeeeeeeeealllly channel Mitch McConnell. Close your eyes, imagine being passionate about wrenching away the rights of women, rigging our judicial system for your benefit, and your life as a turtle….got it? Good, now let’s talk Cardinals. Two things about this team are hilarious to me: 1) they play in the YUM! Center. That speaks for itself. 2) They fired their coach from last year, Kenny Payne, and replaced him with Pat Kelsey. Now I realize those are not the same name, they don’t even sound the same, but something about them feels like a dyslexic person’s nightmare. Are we SURE Pat Kelsey is not just Kenny Payne’s evil twin??? If he is, we might all want to embrace the side of evil- he’s turned this team around from a last-place finisher in the ACC last year to tying Duke for second place this year. Students are going to games again! (at…you guessed it. The YUM! Center.) They’ve got a well balanced offense & defense and hit a whole lotta threes.
9- Creighton Blue Jays
Ryan Kalkbrenner has been on this team since I went and saw the Big East Tournament in 2021. Sir, GET A JOB!!!!! Besides posting up and defending in college basketball! Creighton has made 5 straight NCAA tournaments, so coach McDermott has experience, but they have never made a final four, so I wouldn’t put too much salt on em.
10- New Mexico Lobos
Home of The Other Rick Pitino - the infamous one’s son, this UNM team has all the energy of Neil, the hoteliers nephew in dirty dancing who tells baby he’s known as the catch of the county (he sucks). They might be the catch of the county in the Mountain West conference, winning their first regular season title in 12 years, despite losing some talent since last year. Their point guard Donovan Dent is exciting to watch and they had the best defense in their (relatively mid) conference.
11- San Diego State Aztecs
This is one of those teams that pops up in march and you say, oh yeah, these guys! This year, they’ve slipped up a little bit, and they’re stuck in the first four against a hot-right-now UNC. They do have one of the best defenses in the country - they beat Houston in November in OT, forcing 12 (!) turnovers. They looveeeeeeeeee to force a turnover, but they will have to learn to score (Nick Boyd, formerly of the FAU final four team, is good, but not enough!!!). I’ll say it though - if they get past UNC, Ole Miss should start sweating.
11- UNC Tar Heels
People love to hate a blue blood, and the committee provided a prime opportunity to do so by giving UNC this first-four-out chance. Folks did NOT think UNC deserved to be here- missing the tournament for the second time in 3 years, which would have been UNheard of. Even with returner RJ Davis, they just weren’t tar heeling this year, probably because the rest of their team left. Then, they went on a run in the ACC tourney, eventually losing to Duke, and giving the council of wizards the chance to say, well, we might as well invite them!!!! (Begging the wizards to do something interesting for ONCE). Anyways, they’re here, or maybe not, depending on how the first four goes.
12- UC San Diego Tritons
Obligatory random ass UC state school…last year it was the long beach ones and now we’ve got these guys named after Ariel’s dad. The good news for these little nobodies: They haven’t lost a game since January. 15 straight wins, including a Big West title (stop trying to make Big West happen bro), mostly thanks to their kiwi superstar Aniwaniwa Tait-Jones (he’s 6’6”). They are incredibly efficient with points in the paint, however if they face off against a strong or big defensive opponent that could be trickier.
13- Yale Bulldogs
Your Ivy League Champs, Yale is always showing up in march to beef up the dog mascot count but failing to make their appearances count- they haven’t made it past the round of 32 since 1949. And tbh that was before most other schools had sports I’m pretty sure. Still, as my high school AP U.S. teacher (yale bball alum) would tell us- this team could make something happen. They are VERY good at blocking second chance points, which could come in handy against *checks notes* a Texas A&M team that relies almost exclusively on offensive rebounds to score. Interesting match up there for sure!
14- Lipscomb Bisons
Why is a team in tennessee using Bisons as a mascot….girl there haven’t been bison there in a hundred years???? Also they pluralize it with an S, which is incorrect? However their mascot is named LU and I am picturing him like the guy in the BWWs commercial (is there a difference between buffalo and bison?!?!) which is a funny bit, and tbh, they’re one of those unknown teams I could see doing something incredibly chaotic. ASUN champions, they’ve got a star in Jacob Ognacevic, they’ve been VERY hot the past month…all good signs. Have they beaten any good teams? Uh no. But in their sophomore NCAA tourney appearance, I hope they still have fun!
15 - Bryant Bulldogs
Winners of the America East conference, the Bulldogs punched their ticket in dominant fashion, beating Maine by 20 points. A lot of their wins look like that, but so do a lot of their losses - like the one to GCU 112-66. That’s ROUGH. They don’t have the size or skill to compete against a team like the Spartans. Sorry!
16- Alabama State Hornets
Every year I am forced to learn about another school in Alabama, and I do not care!!!!! Hailing from the SWAC, the hornets boast a coach with tourney experience (whose son of course plays on the team, TJ Madlock), but their depth ends there. I’ve been wrong before - Oral Roberts & Abilene Christian stand out as past year random ass teams that shocked the world, but even if these bama boys make it out of the first four, they’ll have to face an Auburn team that is DYING to go bananas on a weak opponent.
16- St. Francis Red Flash
Not to be confused with New York’s school of the same name, the Red Flash (can only assume that mascot represents the threat of hell if you aren’t on the side of god like they are) are exactly the type of cinderella I love to see. Coach Rob Krimmel, a school and team alum, has worked over the last 3 decades to build this team back to their first tournament since 1991. Personally? I won’t be caught rooting against a catholic school during lent!!!
EAST
1- Duke Blue Devils
The team you love to hate but mostly just hate is back after a few quiet years of rebuilding after Coach K’s departure left a gaping hole in the program’s identity. Now coached by Jon Scheyer (you guessed it- our second no. 1 seed, our second jewish coach. This is judaism’s year in the tournament I’ll say it!!!) Despite having a lot of talent last year, we didn’t give them much air time, becuase the entire world ewas vbracing ourselves for the incoming tidal wave of talent that is Cooper Flagg. If you haven’t heard of him, I want to be on your internet. The freshman superstar is everything you can imagine an ingenue should be. He’s great on both ends of the ball (but thrives on defense), mature for a player of his age, tougher (and at 6’9”, phsyically intimidating) than you think he’d be- he’s like a baby Larry Bird. He literally is that girl. He also is coming into the tournament nursing an ankle injuring from the ACC tourney, but should be able to play. The ceiling for this Duke team is a national championship. They have what it takes. I’m sorry if you hate to hear that, but sometimes the bad guys win.
2- Alabama Crimson Tide
Since they’ve cleaned problematic players of years past out the roster, I am not going to tell you to be a hater against this very speedy bama squad. Experienced stars, like Mark Sears (whose mom you might remember from the crowds last year, QUEEN), have helped this team notch some big wins including a last-game-of-the-season-buzzer-beater against rival Auburn, Florida, and Tennessee. One thing about them they LOVE to play offense!!!! They love to shoot 3s!!!! Do they play defense not so much!!!!
3- Wisconsin Badgers
ON WISCONSIN! FORWARD! Welcome back Wisco!!!!! The badgers are a crowd favorite (in this house at least) who probably should have beat Michigan in the Big10 final (somehow they managed to touch the ball last every single time it went out of bounds. Yes I know I brought this up already. I am not over it.) This high powered offense can score on anyone, but they’ve also had a pretty easy schedule this year, so take that with a grain of salt. Transfer John Tonje has been their key to success, if he’s off, the whole team is.
4- Arizona Wildcats
After a rollercoaster of a season, the Wildcats (get your head in the game) enter the dance with 0 momentum and some mixed feelings from fans. They had streaks during the season where they looked unstoppable! They also lost 5 of their last 8 games! Zona is an example of a team that, on paper, you’re going to be confused by, and that lack of reliability is not a good sign to me. Bragging UNC standout transfer Caleb Love, Arizona will try to convince you their Big12 season has prepped them for march, but don’t believe them. Their opener should be an offensive shootout since neither team plays defense, but I wouldn’t trust this team much.
5- Oregon Ducks
Just a bunch of Very Tall Boys in green & yellow who are finding their way in the big bad world of the big 10. They didn’t have too rough of a schedule leading to a 24-9 record, and even though they’re not the sexiest pick of the bunch, they have consistency and momentum down the stretch coming in here. I’ve been burned by the Big10 more times than I can count, but they’re kind of a fake big10 team, so maybe this time……
6- BYU Cougars
BYU counts as a jewish university now because of their football quarterback, sorry I don’t make the rules but on this blog I actually do. This is a team to watch in future years, bragging some tier 1 one recruits (can only assume they drew them in thanks to the church of latter day saints because…how), but in their first year in the big 12 they’ve managed to make a splash without the incoming prospects. Maybe it’s the glow of coach Kevin Young, maybe its Richie Saunders or big guy Egor (lol) Demin, but a late season surge has the cougs looking feisty.
7- St. Mary’s Gaels
I could rattle off some stats about the Gael’s defense, but tbh that’s boring and I am only on my second region and I am already starting to get tired of stats. Instead, try pronouncing West Coast Conference POY’s name: Augustas Marciulionius. He’s lithuanian! Huge year for Lithuanians tbh. Watch out for him and non-lithuanian Mitchell Saxen in this experienced squad.
8- Miss State Bulldogs
Personally I have not forgiven these dawgs for letting me down in the first round last year, but sources say they’re an “efficient” team. How efficient can you be if your conference record is 8-10….idk bout that! Star Josh Hubbard, who has score 25+ points on multiple occasions this year, could get Mississippi out of the first round for the first time since 2008.
9- Baylor Bears
On the other side of this 8-9 matchup, we’ve got a sparkly little Baylor team stacked with pro-level talent. I did have to deep dive on some of the players for work, and one thing I’ll tell you is they’ve got talent AND personality - rare! V.J Edgecombe, Jeremy Roach, Norchad Omier, Robert Wright III…the fact that I can rattle off this many names tells you it’s a team of stars. They haven’t quite been able to put that star power into action yet this year, especially on the defensive end of the ball. But isn’t March when stars shine the brightest? What better time than now to make it all come together?
10- Vanderbilt Commodores
I’ve been an SEC hater for this entire blog post…but I can’t help but like the commies. Maybe it’s because I’ve swam in their pool (nice), or because I read a book about the Vanderbilts (by Anderson Cooper, would recommend), maybe it’s because I watched Jason Edwards play and said, hey that kid’s pretty good. Hard to say! They’re definitely over reliant on him though, lack any defense to speak of, and turn over the ball a lot. Sorry to see ya go, my golden friends.
11- VCU Rams
Every once and awhile VCU pops up and I say, oh yeah, these guys! Their coach Ryan Odom has a knack for getting his teams to the dance (UMBC, Utah State, and now VCU), and is top on UVA’s coaching wishlist, so this is probably the rams’ last chance to use his tournament experience to their advantage.
12- Liberty Flames
I don’t like this team because their school has problematic politics (more here and here). Sorry for not “sticking to sports” but if you ever expected that of this blog you came to the wrong place. I’m not dignifying their presence with analysis, I hope they get crushed!
13- Akron Zips
Hell yeah my favorite mascot is back baby!!! Represented by a kangaroo and yes, named after zippers because they’re made there, Akron is back for their 3rd tournament in the last 4 years, and who CARES if they’ve never made it out of the first round as a D1 team! Learning nothing from last year, this team still lives by the 3 (and may die by the 3), and hasn’t lost a game this calendar year.
14- Montana Grizzlies
Coming in hot with one of the best wordmark logos I’ve seen in years, the Griz won the Big Sky conference and really turned their season around since a slow start. A stat that’s actually interesting (thank you ESPN) - their starting lineup has registered 125.7 points per 100 possessions. The top offense in the NBA (the Cavs) are at 121.8. And THAT is why no one watches professional basketball! We’ve got offense to watch here, and facing a team like Wisconsin could mean a shootout for the ages.
15- Robert Morris Colonials
Ok the first question we have to answer- who IS robert morris? Known as the “financier of the American Revolution”, he basically balanced our war budget apparently? His career there ended when he resigned “frustrated by the weakness of the national government”….ok relatable! Hailing from the Horizon League (a traditionally spicy autobid), coming off a 10 game winning streak, I don’t hate em!
16- American University Eagles
Oh really original picking the eagle as your mascot american smh. I visited this school when Katrina was shopping for colleges, and it felt ass. Everything I’ve learned about it since has confirmed this feeling. But it is near my boyfriend’s childhood home! Patriot league champs lead by sharp shooter Matt Rogers, this is a team that MAKES THEIR FREE THROWS, and I do support that.
16- Mount St Mary’s Mountaineers
Since West Virginia was snubbed and excluded from the tournament (in favor of UNC, which is of course causing waves), THE MOUNT are our only Mountaineer representative in this tournament. They did such a solid job taking down Iona that the gaels fired their coach today. Star player Arlandus Keyes has a great name, but doubtful this team could make it past Duke.
MIDWEST
1- Houston Cougars
I hate to sound repetitive, but every single year the basketball gods try to tell me this is houston’s year, and every single year they fail. I’m not saying they FLOP- they’ve made some good runs, and being consistently good despite only joining a power-4 conference this year does mean SOMETHING, I just refuse to put my faith in an undersized team like this. I just was reading an analysis that said they have the scorers they lacked in previous years - I am not kidding they said the same exact thing last year. I’m just saying!!!!! They also have a questionable injury in J’Wan Roberts. Their upside: They only lost 1 regular season game since November. LJ Cryer is amazing at 3s. Milos Uzan scored 25pts in the Big12 title game. Make of that what you will, I feel like my stance is clear.
2- Tennessee Volunteers
The Vols enter this tournament as everyone’s main fraud to watch - they shouldn’t be a 2 seed and much like Regina George, they CANNOT be trusted. They were on top of the world for awhile this season, one of many SEC teams that had her moment in the sun at number 1 and making a run in the conference tournament, but despite their ability to slow down the tempo of opponents and force the game to be played on their terms, they are having some serious issues on offense. Yes, they put up good pressure, but anyone with a resilient offensive could outshine the orange this march. Transfer Chaz Lanier (hilarious name) is good but not reliable enough to carry this offense to the final four. Watch out.
3- Kentucky Wildcats
Get your head in the game! I’m so used to Kentucky being a basketball team, I sometimes forget they’re in the SEC. In a conference crowded with big teams and big names, new coach Mark Pope has managed to keep KY in the conversation despite his squad being absolutely decimated with injuries all year long. People are saying they’ve got a high ceiling, and their ability to snag a 3-seed is shocking considering only 4 of their players participated in all the regular season games. They play fast, they shoot threes, and if Lamont Butler’s shoulder is healed, they can go far.
4- Purdue Boilermakers
After reaching the final of the tournament last year and losing, Purdue started the 24-25 season with a hangover. Zach Edey’s moved on to Memphis, their defense is one of the worst in the tournament, and they finished the season in a sloppy slide of form. Braden Smith and Trey Kaufman-Renn are good, and they haven’t totally fallen apart this year, but I’m not sold on them.
5- Clemson Tigers
One thing about Clemson is in all their sports they stick by their coaches. Even when they’re kinda mid. Yes, clemson has showed up to the dance a lot in recent years. They did make it to the second weekend last year, snagging a trip to the elite 8 that I personally did not have on my bingo card (and not just because cats always lose in my book). They lost some veteran players but kept Chase Hunter and Ian Schieffelin, and boast a win over Duke in the latter half of the season, so I’m not counting them out completely.
6- Illinois Fighting Illini
Obligated to tell you that this is a native american mascot that does not have the support of, and is constantly at odds with, tribal leadership in the region. Problematic mascots are NOT it. And I’m going to be honest, idk how Illinois is still good- they’ve spent the last few years losing every single star they had. This year they’ve got Kasparas Jakucionis (you guessed it, he’s lithuanian!) leading the charge and just got Morez Johnson Jr back from injury. Facing a good offense, it might be over for them.
7- UCLA Bruins
Better known for their No 1 Overall Seed Women’s Team, turns out UCLA let’s men play basketball too! How judicious of them. This is another team that loves to force a turnover, boasting high ranks in defensive efficiency (thanks to brother of hawks player Jalen Johnson, Kobe) and some statement wins over teams like Mich State and Wisconsin.
8- Gonzaga Bulldogs
Looking to commit some dog-on-dog crime, this isn’t the Gonzaga team of years past. For starters, you won’t see a glorious mustache leading their team with heart and spirit. You’ll see a team that looks a little lost, with few statement wins beyond their West Coach Conference championship. Stars like Nolan Hickman and Graham Ike show they still can put together a string of big plays, and playing the role of a sleeper hit is an easier path to glory than the one they’ve attempted to trod in more dominant years.
9- Georgia Bulldogs
It’s a dog eat dog world baby, and Georgia enters this tournament HUNGRY. The name to know here is big man Asa Newell, who plays more mature than he should for his age and is excellent against any defense that’s been thrown his way. He led this team to wins over St. Johns, Kentucky, and Florida. I’m wary of falling into an SEC trap with them but….I like what I see from him.
10- Utah St Aggies
The aggies are in like their 4th year of having to completely rebuild the team thanks to the transfer portal, this year that even included their coach, but somehow they keep doing it and making their way into march. Last year they made it to the second game, only to lose to future finalist Purdue, which is NOTHING to be ashamed of! Even if they did lose by 40 points! I’m glad they’re here, but they face a TOUGH defense in UCLA and will have to really tap into their offensive creativity to make something happen here.
11- Texas Longhorns
A few months ago I watched Texas lose to Tennessee in a big SEC saturday matchup that was pitched to me as a battle of the giants: since then, clearly, Texas has lost their way a bit. Unlike their football team, joining the southeastern conference came at the wrong time for this team, failing to notch any quality wins and written off by pretty much everyone entering selection sunday. Now they’re faced with an uphill drive into the dance with a first-four game to tackle before the first weekend. If they get past Xavier, Illinois might not be impossible to beat, but I just don’t see them thriving this year.
11- Xavier Musketeers
I like a musketeer as a mascot and I like a big east team. For me it’s that simple! If you need more convincing: the X factor for the X men, Zach Freemantle spent a year recovering from injury and enters this tournament with a drive to survive. They’re good on 3s and solid on defense.
12- McNeese Cowboys
These yeehaw boys had a taste of the tourney last year and liked it so much they’re back for more. Now, granted, they lost in the first round last year, but it’s a new day for McNeese, and after a hard found Southland Championship win against Lamar, they’re ready to try it again. Former LSU Coach Will Wade has built a stronger team than last year, using his experience to bring in players that are built for the big leagues but haven’t been able to make it that high. They are relentless on the press. They are brutal on opponents. They were an upset pick last year, so maybe they’re due.
13- High Point Panthers
This country club ass school has all the makings of an upset story. Remember Florida Gulf Coast? Sometimes putting a basketball team at what is an essentially a resort for rich party kids pays off. Probably literally. Chase Johnston & D’Maurian Williams are incredibly accurate shooters, and they’re nothing compared to stars Kimani Hamilton, Juslin Bodo Bodo (he’s Cameroonian!) and (brace yourself for the best name yet) Kezza Giffa (he’s from Paris!). Coming into the tournament on a 14 game winning streak, the Panthers are my pick for a first-round upset.
14- Troy Trojans
But maybe I’m just in cinderella mode, because Troy looks pretty good to me too! Sun Belt superstars thanks to Tayton Conerway, they’ve got a spunky attitude I like, I’ll admit it. They’re handsy! They’re aggressive! They beat Arkansas! Despite naming themselves after a historically, notoriously bad defense, they show a persistence in their guarding that the recipients of a certain gift horse could have used. Also, feeling the greek theme here, they’ve got 2 sets of brothers on this team!
15- Wofford Terriers
It’s unclear to me why a team from South Carolina would choose a BOSTON terrier to represent them (there are so many other terrier options?), but in a lot of ways I do think this team has this dog in them. This is an upset pick as well, because a lot of people don’t like Tennesee (i mean, myself included, but gimme a second) - Wofford does this thing where they will just hold on to the ball. They will straight up stand there and let the shot clock run. And then at the last second they’re like oh yeah! let’s shoot! and sometimes that works apparently. They also make a LOT of 3 pointers, boasting a 44% success rate in their conference tournament run. My counterpoint here is that Tenneseee probably won’t LET them hold onto the ball forever, and when a small team is “good at 3s” that doesn’t always pay off versus a team that can like, actually do defense.
16- SIU Edwardsville Cougars
TOURNAMENT DEBUT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!! This lil illinois state school has EVERYTHING: a live cougar mascot (I mean, the wiki says his name is Eddie the Cougar #57, so I am assuming)and a pair of all-OVC cousins (Ray’Sean Taylor and Brian Taylor II). Actually nvm on the live mascot, he’s #57 because that’s when the school was founded, but they haven’t had a live cougar since the 80s. Ok well actually I hate them now. Welcome to the big leagues I guess guys.
WEST
1- Florida Gators
If you’re looking for a 1-seed that has it all (that isn’t Duke), Florida is your man. They are one of the only teams in the SEC that mudwrestled and came out looking clean - by that I mean they did have a few losses, but none so tragic that I question their position on top here. And - you guessed it - they’ve got a (young!) jewish coach. Walter Clayton Jr is the point guard this team was missing last year, FAU transfer Alijah Martin and Alex Condon round of a very good looking team. Everything’s coming up gators, except when you look at pacing. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, they’re an SEC team that likes to play really fast. They love to take the ball and score points in transition. In a tournament that demands you perform at the top of your game day after day, that it hard to keep up. Typically, tournament games are much slower paced than teams are used to. That, and the fact that they don’t really have the big men to hang at the post are the 2 flaws in a nearly perfect Florida side.
2- St. Johns Red Storm
If Rick Pitino has a million haters, I am one of them. If Rick Pitino has 10 haters, I am one of them. If Rick Pitino has 1 hater, that is me. If Rick Pitino has 0 haters, then I am dead. I don’t care that he turned around this St. Johns team in a matter of 2 years (as he’s been able to do on almost every team he’s ever coached). I don’t care that defense wins championships. I don’t care- and don’t BELIEVE- that St. Johns is “New York’s Team” according to NPR. No matter how much they try to claim MSG as their home, they’re not roommates with the Rangers, Billy Joel, and the Knicks, they’re more like that friend who you said could stay on your couch for a few days and now won’t fucking leave. If you want to read more on Rick Pitino’s shitty past, see here. If you want to read more on the capos charged with the dirty work of keeping his reputation clean, see here. If you want to read more on the Red Storm’s quest for an NCAA title, see yourself out.
3- Texas Tech Red Raiders
And SPEAKING OF TEAMS THAT DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE, all that Rick Pitino talk has me fired up and I can say what we’re all thinking. TTech, no one wants you here!!!!! You’re annoying!!! Mac McClung you will never be famous! I’m tired of hearing they’re legit. Ok they make 37% of their threes! Ok so they’re the only team in the big12 to beat houston! Ok so JT Toppin is averaging 18.1PPG and is poised for a breakout role in the tournament! Ok so you’ve got a car! That don’t impress me much. They might be entertaining, but they don’t have the size and they don’t protect the rim.
4- Maryland Terrapins
I want to root for Maryland so bad. The terps are a team BUILT for March. Their starting five has been dominant enough to earn the nickname “The Crab Five” (get it like..the fab five…but for maryland). The boys of the Old Bay have had some crushing last second losses in the last quarter of the season, so either they’re unlucky or they’re just not as good as they’re made out to be. On the latter - they lack depth and points from the bench that could be useful if the crab five gets thwarted, or like, tired, on this run.
5- Memphis Tigers
As a long time Penny Hardaway truther, this Memphis team has been hard for me to watch in recent years. They missed the tournament last year and haven’t made a serious run since 2009 (the pre-penny years). The team was accused of gross academic misconduct in the offseason. Penny has been accused of recruiting violations (nothing Pitino level, just money, and we pay players now anyway ya squares). Historically this is all par for the course for Memphis, a team whose most successful NCAA years have been stripped from the record books thanks to a tax evading coach. That was then, this is now, and even with a tough draw against Col State, I can’t help but be charmed by PJ Haggerty & Tyrese Hunter (if he’s heathly). This is the best chance Memphis has had in years to make a run. Can Penny finally make March make sense? (love a auditory pun in a silent medium).
6- Missouri Tigers
I know this isn’t supposed to be about personal vendettas— actually no I don’t, this is exclusively about personal vendettas and I don’t like Mizzou. They play fast, what else is new for an SEC team. They’re better than they were last year because they actually have a full health team, they’re strong on offense, they beat florida, they’ve got some players that endured the 19-game losing streak of last season and for some reason stuck around, so I guess, in a word, they’re tenacious.
7- Kansas Jayhawks
Three years after their slightly-unexpected title run, Kansas could use a little (bill) self-examination. They’re a tricky team to nail down, and they’re the type of brand-name flashy blue blooded team you’re going to be tempted to let through. Your interest is going to be piqued by their veteran backcourt (Dajuan Harris Jr & KJ Adams Jr). You’re going to be drawn in by the way they snagged top transfer prospects Zeke Mayo and AJ Storr. But if you watch them play, that mystique fades pretty quickly. They just don’t fit together right. They can’t shoot from the perimeter. They don’t draw fouls. They’re not it.
8- UConn Huskies
Coming off back to back title seasons, “the best coach in the fucking sport” (according to himself), Dan Hurley’s quest for the threepeat has gone the way of the Kansas City Chiefs. Hard to say if it was the loss of talent or the Red Storm’s tempestuous defense that clouded UConn’s quest for Big East glory, either way it has been a season of ups and downs that fans would rather have avoided. The return of Liam McNeeley, great performances from Solo Ball and Alex Karaban in the big east tournament, and improved defensive performance down the stretch, the road to San Antonio isn’t closed off to them yet. If they get past the sooners, they could pose an issue for Florida.
9- Oklahoma Sooners
The Sooners are here because they beat Texas on the last day of the regular season. Beyond that, they were 6-12 in SEC play. They beat some good teams earlier in the year. It’s up to you to decide: are they better than they’re given credit for, and just stuck in hard conference? Or, are we over ranking them and overvaluing their wins BECUASE they’re in a hard conference? I think you know my answer.
10 - Arkansas Razorbacks
The lil runnin pigs are a regular in the march conversation, even before John Calipari shocked the world by ditching Kentucky last year in favor of that gorgeous cardinal and apple blossom color scheme and fearsome hog mascot. He then threw around a billion dollars in NIL to get people interested in the state of arkansas, copied everyone else’s homework (aka also stole one of the FAU players from their final 4 run), and held on tight for a bumpy ride across the finish line. They’ve failed to make an impression this season - two of their key players have been injured, including hilariously named Boogie Fland, who supposedly will be back for the tournament. Their opener should be a snoozer, whoever wins it will probably lose in the round of 32.
11- Drake Bulldogs
If you’re tired of me talking about upsets…skip ahead. But this one is real i SWEAR! Yes, this team is undersized. No, that hasn’t limited them. They rebound like HELL, they set a slooooooooooooooooooooooow pace, they stick to their starters (Mitch Miscari has play 96.5% of the teams minutes), and they’ve got one of the most efficient players in the country in Bennett Stirtz.
12- Colorado State Rams
The rams have bulldozed their way here with sheer force of will and a strong defense. Many think they’re a good pick for an upset,
13- GCU Antelopes
Taking off my basketball hat for a second - GCU is a “private for-profit christian university”. What does that mean? It means that they upcharge their students— the recently DOGE’d DoE filed a lawsuit against them in 2023 for deceiving graduate students about the cost of doctoral degrees - only 2% of students paid represented cost. The university answers to, and pays into, corporation of the same, which their president happens to be the CEO of. Is this fucking sus to anyone else?!!?!?!?
14- UNC Wilmington Seahawks
Not a bad logo for a random ass team! Their hot young coach Takayo Siddle is one to watch in the offseason. Their 7-footer Harlan Obioha has the size this side might need to take advantage of a Tiny Texas Tech Team that I’m dying to see lose.
15- Omaha Mavericks
Is Tom Cruise on this team? Is this Top Gun? Maybe! Omaha will try to capitalize on their ability to capture defensive rebounds to disrupt the Red Storm’s dominance. They lean heavy on a strong offense, which always feels a little risky for a no-name team when they face a bigger name, especially one like St. Johns which is kinda built on a defense wins championships mentality. It’s their first time here, and they’re going to try to make the most of it before their coach gets snapped up by a bigger team.
16- Norfolk State Spartans
These mfers stay showing up in March. This time they punched their ticket in dramatic fashion thanks to some final second free throws in the MEAC tournament title match. That doesn’t mean they haven’t earned their spot - with their third tournament appearance in the last 5 years, they were bounced in the first 4 last year and will look to make it past the first round for the first time since 2012. Unlikely, but, it is march!
THE BIG TAKEAWAYS
March is all about bending over backwards to get things right and making a full on fool of yourself when your bracket gets busted in the first day. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, and definitely don’t be afraid to root against a team you have moral high ground over (cough, saint fucking johns).
Watch the Western winds - the west and midwest corners of the bracket are primed with upset potential. As chalky as the later rounds tend to lean, the first and second rounds are all about little teams having their moment on the big stage. Most frequent upsets are in the 11/6 or 12/5 match ups.
Being a big conference team isn’t always beneficial. The SEC has beat up on good teams all year. They’re tired. They’re overseeded. It’s march. Houston isn’t it for me an never will be. Duke is back in a big way. Florida looks really good. Actually, just root for all the teams with Jewish coaches.
If you get anything wrong, you can just yell IT’S MARCH. You can always find basketball on during March Madness. You can’t win no matter what you do. No don’t say that baby I don’t want to hear that from you- you CAN.
Go forth and build brackets my friends. Let the spirit of Patrick Swayze move through you like you’re Demi Moore.
Oh, and nobody puts baby in the corner.
