The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall: NBA PLAYOFFS
The bigger the heart the HARDER THEY BALL FOLKS: The best time of year for basketball is here! Ok yes we did say the same thing a month ago about March Madness…The best time of the year for PROFESSIONAL basketball is here!(pro bball boring tho) No one tell my former boss Adam Silver, but an 82 game season is way too much basketball for us to keep track of, but the good news is the NBA has playoffs that last approximately six months of the year (it feels like). The first round kicked off over the weekend, and if you missed those games, we’re here to reassure you that you have at LEAST a minimum of 54 more games to tune into (a maximum of 95!!! We did the math!!!! so many games!!!!).
Play In to Play Off
Real ones will remember when I (Elena) went to Vegas in the fall to watch prospective no. 1 pick french star (7ft tall) Victor Wembanyama play prospective no. 2 pick Scoot Henderson (G league ignite roll deep baby), a two games series that lead to pundits claiming this would be the Tank to End All Tank seasons. Tanking— something King Adam & the NBA hate to hear and hate to talk about— is the not so subtle art of quiet quitting, phoning it in, playing the B team to boost your draft position in a bid for superstars like generational talent Victor. (See: Recent Mavericks drama where the team was fined for Crimes Against Basketball, aka resting all their stars when they decided the playoffs were out of reach). Obviously this does not lead to great basketball / ratings / money so to give teams a lil extra motivi a few years ago they added the PLAY IN tournament: instead of the plyoffs starting with the top 8 teams in the East & the West, they started with the 7,8,9 and 10 seeds PLAYING FOR THEIR LIVES (We get a 7/8 matchup and a 9/10 match up: the winner of 7/8 gets a straight pass to the playoffs, the loser of 7/8 plays the winner of 9/10. The idea there being the better seeded teams get two chances to make it in). It’s like a lil mini tourney moment to spice things up and give lower seeded teams a chance to make it in to the playoffs. This year we saw this produce some excellent basketball and some even better heckling. But despite the Bulls being the first 10 seed to clinch a win in short lived Play In history, you would be SHOCKED to hear that the 7 and 8 seeds were the ones who made it out alive. Which is what has happened…every time.
Playoff Structure
As I said there are 8 teams in the East & in the West that make the playoffs which means SIXTEEN TEAMS TOTAL. For those keeping count at home, yes that is more than half the league! In that sense, the NBA has taken notes from the NFL on their playoff plan (as many teams get in as possible) but when it comes to the games, they said: I love what baseball is doing over there and so they ALSO do 7 game series. Teams have to win 4 games to clinch a series, so we start out with 4 match ups per conference and slowly (so so so slowly) make our way to the NBA Finals (in like….june). We have said it before, no one wants to watch trash so we would propose : round 1, 3 games, round 2, 5 games, round 3, 7 games more interest more drama more efficient but alas men run the world so Let’s break down the match ups:
EAST
Milwaukee Bucks (1) vs Miami Heat (8)
Readers will be shocked that I, a noted pitbull stan, am not a huge fan of the Miami Heat. They have a villain vibe that I don’t love (something about Tyler Herro…I don’t trust him, good news for me that he broke his hand in game 1!)(song is fire tho) but they also kind of love to come into the playoffs and pop off, so do not underestimate them folks! The Bucks have been solid all year (hence why they come in as a top seed) and Giannis Antetokounmpo is wholesome king (the greek freak who brought his whole dang squad and now two of his brothers play in the NBA? it’s a family affair!!!!) has put in an MVP worthy performance, but took a hard tumble on his butt and left the first game early (“lower back contusion” aka butt bruise). Heat took game 1 but unclear if they can keep up that scoring pace without their Her(r)o…it’s Bucks for us.
Cleveland Cavaliers (4) vs New York Knicks (5)
BING MF BONG THE NEW YORK KNICKS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS BABYYYYYYYYY. How did we get here? No one knows! Fun Fact: The Knicks and the Rangers and the Nets and the Islanders have not all been in the playoffs since 1998! (two of those were hockey teams, if you’re confused, hockey playoff info to follow in a separate blog post). I’m not sure the Knicks are here for a long time, but we are in fact here for a good time, and I cannot wait for the SideTalk episodes to come out of this experience. For Cleveland’s part, they surprised everyone by making the play in tournament last year with a group of talented youngsters. Then they made a big move in the offseason by giving up their first born child for Donovan Mitchell, and made it here so….I guess it paid off? The irony of it all was that the other team that wanted Mitchell? Baby it was the New York Knicks! Instead they got Jalen Brunson at a much better price, and honestly still look to be the better team, but this is a must win series for the Cavs, who are trying to make a name for themselves in the playoffs without the shadow of Lebron overtaking them. It’s more fun for us if the Knicks win though.
Philadelphia 76ers (3) vs Brooklyn Nets (6)
Speaking of New York teams! The Nets sold off all their stars and were a complete disaster for the majority of this year (and for the foreseeable future) - remember when they fired their coach? and then were going to hire disgraced celtics coach ime idoka? and Kyrie pulled a Kanye? And then after all that Kevin Durant left anyway?!!?!?! Truly a flop era for the Brooklyn babes, so objectively it would be hilarious if they end up doing well. ESPECIALLY considering they’re playing another former flame- James Harden (I literally forgot about the time he came to brooklyn to be a part of a super team), who we absolutely do not trust (the beard…full of secrets imho). If you want to root for BK here they’re a very silly little underdog, but, as a counterpoint, let us take a moment to appreciated the musical stylings of Joel Embiid. Embiid is the centerpiece of the Sixers process, he has had an INCREDIBLE year and put on a true MVP performance, and most important of all he brought his son (ARTHUR !!!) to the press conference after their first win in the series. I dare you to find it in your heart not to root for this:
Boston Celtics (2) vs Atlanta Hawks (7)
If you say disgraced Celtics coach three times in the mirror Ime Udoka will appear, but in a surprising turn of events, Boston didn’t even need him to clinch a 2 seed and have a successful season??? Almost like the talent of team was the friends we made along the way. It’s a good time to be a boston fan- as you may remember they did go all the way to the finals last year (where they lost) thanks to stars like Jason Tatum & the Time Lord (Robert Williams). As for the Hawks, in the words of many drunk knicks fans: FUCK TRAE YOUNG YOU’RE BALDING. No other notes!
WEST
Denver Nuggets (1) vs Minnesota Timberwolves (8)
Other than having one of the best Names & Logos in the league, the Nuggets are most notable for their star player Nikola Jokic (the joker? I guess), who is a Very Large and Very Scary Serbian dude with back to back MVP awards under his belt coming into this season. One could argue he’s earned a third for the way he & his team have performed this year, earning the number one seed in the west. His white whale remains the shiny shiny ring at the end of this wildly long playoff tunnel- despite being in the league singe 2016, he’s never made it to the NBA finals. The Timberwolves are a total shit show but they have a ton of talent (and would have more if Jaden McDaniels hadn’t punched a wall in the last game of the regular season and broke his hand). (Men express your feelings without violence challenge impossible edition). They, like the Cavs, made some Big Offseason moves to bring in Rudy Gobert (of coughing on the microphone & former Utah Jazz fame), but it’s not totaly clear if that has worked out for them— in the same game as the broken hand self inflicted wound, Gobert also threw a punch, but instead of at a wall it was directed at his teammate Kyle Anderson (pick a more generic name my guy). Supposedly they have worked it out and all is fine and dandy, I personally feel like they need some group therapy. Also on this team: KAT (Karl Anthony Towns) who is a pretty good basketball player and a kinda weird boyfriend to former Kardashian friend of Jordyn Woods (snake!!).
Kendall Jenner’s Ex Boyfriend Phoenix Suns (4) vs Los Angeles Clippers (5)
Ok I am actually excited about this match up? Don’t tell anyone but I might be a basketball fan? If you asked me last week I might not have cared but we have two strong factors here to motivate my interest: 1) the phoenix suns have, in addition to a link to the Kar-Jenner Clan, some of the best color scheme/graphic design work in the league and 2) the clippers are maybe cursed and I love a curse. Phoenix has truly nothing going for it in terms of “charisma” (our field reporter Katrina has been and will testify to this fact) (TRASH city), but for some reason Kevin Durant decided to risk it all to go there and play with Devin Booker (aforementioned ex of Kendall) and Chris Paul (who I actually do like bc of State Farm). Because his body is an example of science going too far, KD is often injured so he didn’t actually play a ton with the team ahead of the actual playoffs, but when he did they played…very well. The scene was set for the suns to triumph, but ENTER: Anti Hero Kawhi Leonard. Leonard won a ring with the Raptors way back in 2019 (the exception that proves the rule of the Drake Jinx?), and then he headed to LA where we….never saw him play. He’s a low key load management KING, a controversial practice in basketball where teams make up little injuries (ankle soreness! calf fatigue!) for players in non important games in order to rest them for the big ones. People hate this but also like, maybe if these dudes didn’t have to play 80 bajillion games a year we wouldn’t have this conversation? Did you miss the fact I have already highlighted two major injuries in this blog post and spoiler alert I have another one to talk about still!!!!! Anyway the Clippers are kind of famously bad, but that is partially because their always being compared to their golden boy older brother the lakers, and people say they’re cursed, and then in game 1 Kawhi Leonard turned it ON in a big way and they snuck in an upset?????? The other drama with the clips is that in the middle of the year Russell Westbrook transferred over from the Lakers after a disastrous stint there (so much shade thrown between him and teammates…so much hate from the fan base… russ is a nice boy so sorry he deserves our support) and now he’s on a team that actually likes him and we love that.
Sacremento Kings (3) vs Golden State Warriors (6)
The Lady Birds vs the Defending Champs, an Interstate 30 Derby for the AGES baby! The Kings being in the playoffs is probably the biggest story: they haven’t made it since 2006!!!!! The city is so excited and they have this purple beam of light that SHOOTS UP when they win that is??? Kind of a slay?i am not inconsequentially worried that aliens may read this as an invite and if they do come, do we want to send them to Sacramento first?? Something to think about!The Kings have made a name for themselves this season by scoring lots of points and literally never doing defense. On the other hand, famously Katrina is a Warriors fan by Marriage, and while it’s hard to call the reigning champs an underdog, they have had a struggle bus season. They started out in October having Internal Team Drama: Draymond Green got caught PUNCHING young star Jordan Poole in practice and the team was in disarray over it, starting the season with a very poor record (he also now out for stomping someone, again someone get these men some Better Help Tm). Then they had some injury concerns (theme alert!) and had to bust their butts to make it in without having to do the play in tournament. Then they lost the first two games which they haven’t done in a playoff series since like…2017???? Can they dig themselves out of this hole?
Memphis Grizzlies (2) vs Los Angeles Lakers (7)
Last but not least! You definitely know at least one guy in these games: Lebron & Anthony Davis team up to take on a Grizzlies team that’s gritty and fun and loveable and a little bit problematic. The Lakers won in the Bubble in 2020 (what a time to be alive!) but have struggled since to put together a strong winning season for themselves- Lebron and AD are both frequently injured (bc they old), there was an ill-fated sitch with Russel Westbrook that didn’t work out (shock!), and they just like…kept losing a lot???? But then I guess they got their acts together because they’re here, in the playoffs! Personally I don’t need to root for them considering they already won in recent memory, also like, Lebron already has had a big year because he has scored the most points ever for any NBA player, so you don’t get to win everything imho. Memphis has been on the rise for a few years and they generally have good vibes, but this season their outspoken ingenue Ja Morant made headlines for the wrong reasons - an incident in a strip club WITH A GUN,among other controversaial news stories, had everyone wondering if the kd was spendin too much time partyying and not enough time…being a professional adult? Then he checked into a clinic (not for rehab just for mental health) and when he came back he wore a shirt that said REDEMPTION on it— that was where he lost me a little bit honestly. Like, if you want to go on an apology tour, fine, but don’t act like you’ve been beat down by society, you were being immature and a dummy and you almost blew it but didn’t let’s just move on! Anyways here’s hoping the best for them.
via @nbapaint
