TOKYO 202(1): A Guide to Team USA
Team USA is ALWAYS one of the largest delegations at the Olympics,(I mean, makes sense, we are a large ass country and we love to show off) and this year is no different. In fact at 613 this is the second largest team USA ever (coming in second to when we hosted in ATL in ‘96). I mean, yeah, it’s hard to be the MOST popular cool kids at the party but this is our cross to bear! Many of these athletes are names you know, like Simone Biles (the greatest gymnast of all time, if you’ve missed that) and Kevin Durant (geaux NETS), but there’s a lot of medal potential beyond the stars.
The youngest member of team USA is 15-year-old swimmer Katie Grimes (800m free) while equestrian Phillip Dutton will be the oldest competing at age 57 (this is his SEVENTH Olympics but only his 4th for team USA which does seem like cheating but whatever). SPEAKING OF EQUESTRIAN don’t miss the boss’s daughter herself, Jessica Springsteen competing for the USA (cue Born in the U.S.A)
The team also consists of eight 5x olympians, including Steffen Peters and McLain Ward (equestrian), Sue Bird and Diana Taurasi (bball), marathoner Abdi Abdirahman and Cammy’s mom Allyson Felix (track), Mariel Zagunis (fencing) and Jesse Smith (water polo, but don’t get excited because our men suck).
Look out for ballers such as WBNA Champ Brianna Stewart, Aces star A’ja Wilson, Draymond Green, Dame Lillard & NBA CHAMPS Jrue Holiday & Khris Middleton. We don’t have super high hopes for the men’s basketball team DESPITE historic dominance, especially after a rocky showing in training and a 7th place finish at the last Worlds. You know & love our USWNT footballers like Alex Morgan, Megan Rapinoe, Carli Lloyd, Rose LaVelle, Julie Ertz, Crystal Dunn, Sam Mewis etc etc. The men are there too but we JUST watched a bunch of men’s soccer and its all U-23’s anyways so, we’re moving on.
In the pool, what you might notice first is the absence of giants like Phelps, Lochte, and Nathan Adrian, but no need to worry because our talent pool, like the one they swim in, is DEEP. There’s been a changing of the guard and the team this year is STACKED with yougner swimmers. There’s obviously the GOAT Katie Ledecky, our speed queen Simone Manuel (who, on social media goes by swimone which is…excellent), and a team usa ICON Allison Schmitt (SCHMITTY!!!). Our breaststroke badass Lily King and her training buddy Annie Lazor recorded some of the fastest times in the world this year at trials. Make sure to pay your respects to Hali Flickinger & Regan Smith who dare to be butterfliers even though it is objectively the worst. For the fellas, There’s the heir to the Phelps mantle Caeleb Dressel (who married his high school swim sweetheart…swimcest we support!), and a real cutie pie backstroker Ryan Murphy (member of a brick house swimming fam). There is Michael Andrew, who the commentators love and who is arguably a great swimmer and will definitely medal in multiple events, but we AGGRESSIVELY DO NOT STAN HIM. Any time he races, we WILL BE ROOTING AGAINST HIM. Not only did he go pro far too young (his parents were like “We have a plan for his swimming journey” aka they didn’t want him exposed to the liberal media and gay agenda at a university!— that is not a joke, that is a real thing) and wasn’t even good for like… 8 years, but he is also a STAUNCH ANTI VAXXER. Listen, no hate to all the Children of the King in sports, we fully understand that being so physically gifted probably connects you to God on some other level, but do not come out here using your religion to be an asshole. M*ch**l *ndr*w will not be tolerated on this blog and this will be the last time we talk about him.
On the track, even without our gal Sha’Carri, (no justice no peace btw) we’ve got a lot of potential for silverware with hurdlers Dalilah Muhammad & Sydney McLaughlin, shotputters (we dominate here) Ryan Crouser & Joe Kovacs, long jumper Brittney Reese and steeplechasers Courtney Freriechs & Emma Coburn. Special shoutout to 200m racer Gabby Thomas, who beat Allyson Felix in trials, casually got a neurobiology major from Harvard and now is getting her masters in epidemiology (topical!!!). There are also some fast dudes like Noah Lyle, and a pole vaulter named KC Lightfoot, which happens to be an excellent name for his chosen profession. JuVaughn Harrison will be the first American to compete in both the long jump and the high jump since Jim Thorpe did it in 1912— the dude’s got hops.
Of course, our women’s gymnastics teams are heavily favorited to win the all-around competition (let’s just…not talk about the men okay?), and Simone will probably take as many golds as she wishes, but make sure to keep an eye on newcomer Sunisa Lee to medal in an individual event, and Simone’s protegee Jordan Chiles (who almost quit the sport before Simone took her in).
Expect the USA to dominate in the above, as well as in freestyle BMX (which tbh we may have invented so that makes sense), especially with Hannah Roberts (a PIONEER for the women’s sport!) on our squad. Also keep an eye out for CJ Cummings, the so called Lebron of weightlifting. In the debut of skateboarding, keep an eye on Nyjah Huston (street), Heimana Reynolds and Cory Juneau (park), none of whom are Tony Hawk but they’re still really good. Softball is another strong sport for us (again, we invented it), and stars on our team include Cat Osterman and Monica Abbott. Despite our men being shitty, our women’s football, volleyball, and water polo teams are solid medal contenders as well. In beach volleyball you may miss seeing Kerri Walsh Jennings (legends never die baby), but her partner April Ross will be giving it a go with Alex Klinemen: come for the six packs, stay for the most intense sport ever to be played on sand.
Too much info? Can’t keep up? Great news, NBC coverage will be almost exclusively Team USA focused (they know their audience! MURICA!) so if you’re ever like, “hey, is there an American in this?” don’t worry, NBC will definitely tell you!
This wraps up our PRE olympic coverage here on the hot takes, but stay tuned for our GOLD MEDAL WATCH posts (roughly every other day) and, again, make sure to follow us on the ‘gram (@elenaperito and @katrinae8) where we’ll lyk what to watch each day and keep an updated medal count. No, this is not a scam to get more followers, even though every time I post something with a joke sponsor (“this post is brought to you by NYC Summer’s 1000000% Humidity, now on sale everywhere”) Instagram tells me I have to let people know if I’m posting #sponsoredcontent.
Also, if you’re looking for a way to support small businesses (liiiiike your local brewery) over on the Cold Beers page we’ll be dropping an Olympic Drinking Game (please participate responsibly)— a tradition I (Elena) started my senior year of college when the winter Olympics coincided with Mardi Gras. Nothing like crying about Chloe Kim winning a medal while at a parade! Cheers folks!
