MATCH REPORT: Hey Now
We don’t cover much professional ball on the blog (since legally I cannot and Katrina is partial to the college game) but when ya go SL,UT it’s too big to not give a rundown. This is a MULTI MATCH report on All Things All Star, where the lakes were salty and the Mormons were secretly wealthy. Also, some basketball happened.
Is This Exclusively about Smash Mouth?
Sadly NO Smash Mouth was not even there! NBA All Star Weekend is kinda a big deal, even though the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. As an event it’s absolutely massive- Salt Lake City welcomed over 100,000 people over the weekend (something they surely haven’t done since the olympics were there in ‘02). For Context, the population of the city proper is 200,000. Big event vibes!!! The theme was MOUNTAINS (as seen in the logo) and there WERE indeed mountains surrounding this dang town! More so than SOME TOWNS who claim to be mountain-y (looking at you denver!). The Other Theme is SPONSORSHIP aka everything at All Star does have a brand attached to it (the Ruffles Celebrity Game! the Starry 3 pt contest!) Due to this being the thing that pays my rent I present this information without comment!
Stars BE Rising
I told you this was a WEEKEND LONG event and I meant it. The actual first event was the aforementioned Ruffles Celeb game, which I didn’t attend since it happened to fall during my naptime (mine AND Mac McClungs, more on him in a minute!) and also because it happens to be a very random group of celebs (Lindsey Vonn? Janelle Monae? Hasan Minaj? I mean 0 hate to any of these people but why?), but the first night is RISING STARS. A mini tournie of NBA Rookies, Sophomores, G Leaguers, and G League Ignite players, these games highlight the future of basketball. Was it exciting? Uh, sure! One guy had cotton candy hair and I…loved that! We also got to see the G league get a little bit wrecked by NBA players which, I didn’t love! But it looked like everyone had fun and the outfits were cute.
Highlight: Using my staff credential to enter the stadium and then being asked questions by people because of said staff credential & exclusively giving wrong answers. Hot girls do NOT know where the nearest exit is, sorry nerds!
Low Light: The G Leaguers all being on 1 team together & that team losing. Just not a great set up imho!
Dunkin’ Donuts
Ok DAY TWO of ASW included a trip to NBA Crossover which is “the crossover of art culture and sport” and by that I mean it’s just a bunch of partners having interactive activations which is actually really fun! If you like being in a convention center, which I really don’t! On this day I did not get a nap, which was a little bit brutal, but I DID find my way into the Legacy Club in the basement of the arena where there was FREE FOOD AND DRINK. Folks, I know this is a privileged POV, but f you have the opportunity to attend a sporting event in a suite or at a club level, you simple must and you will never want to go back. Tonight’s game is not a game at ALL but 3 EVENTS : A Skills Challenge, a 3pt Contest, and a Dunk Contest. Old hats will tell you that none of these are as exciting as they used to be, even though we are living in the best time for three pointers in league history, and this dunk contest got more views than any ever has, but, haters gon’ hate! This year was the first time EVER someone from the G LEague was in the Dunk contest (Enter: MAC MCCLUNG) but that’s kind of a technicality because a week before all star he did sign a 2 way contract with the 76ers (previously he played for their G League affiliate. Previous to that he played at Texas Tech and PREVIOUS TO THAT he played at Georgetown so Katrina has a vendetta against him for leaving). This man has been doing crazy dunks since high school (gate city baby!!!!) and has a shockingly high vertical jump for someone of his size (supposedly he is 6’2” but tbh…he looks smaller than that which really makes you wonder about how reliable someone is when reporting their height. Like we all know there is no such thing as 5’11”, it simply doesn’t exist, but something else I only recently realized is that when you google a celebrity that may not ACTUALLY be their height? Like Michael B Jordan was at All Star and he is supposedly 6ft tall but next to Dwayne Wade he looked very small and DWade is only 6’4”??? Idk i’m questioning everything now). Anyways Mac didn’t miss a single dunk, he hit them all first try, the crowd went wild, he saved the dunk contest from obscurity etc etc etc
Highlight: The Shaq cam during the dunk contest. This man is a gift that keeps on giving.
Lowlight: Missing my naptime/Being out until 2am.
G Whiz
Time for the MAIN EVENT OF THE WEEKEND: The G League game! I just realized I have been referencing the G without any backstory for y’all, so, a little bit of context: The G LEague is the development league for the NBA. Many undrafted/fresh outta college/free agent nba vets come to the G to hoone their skills and hopefully get scouted for a big team (most of the G teams have affiliates, so they sound kinda like off brand NBA teams— see: The South Bay Lakers, the Santa Cruz Warriors, the Maine Celtics, the Austin Spurs, etc). There is also 1 very SPECIAL G League team called Ignite which is an incubator for top talent aka an alternative to college aka the home to future no. 2 draft pick Scoot Henderson (no. 1 draft pick is 7+ ft tall Victor Wembanyama of France, whose debated height brings BACK up my parenthetical from before. Is he 7’2”? 7’3”? 7’4”?!?!?!!? literally no one knows). Some people might call this a MINOR LEAGUE but again, I would like to continue paying my rent, so I will not! The G League normally has SOME kind of participation at all star and this year the format was pretty simple: 2 pre-designated captains (Scoot & former Iowa Hawkeye Luka Garza, who left me down in March Madness and I will never forgive him for this) drafted teams from a group of top fan voted players/ a couple local players from the SLC Stars / a few ignite players, and they just played a regular ol bball game. Tbh the game was a little mid but Shaq was there (his son plays for ignite), I got to run around the court, and the players really seemed to have fun which I really love! Just good vibes in the G baby!
Highlight: Shaq walking through the stadium like a normal dude? Sir???
Lowlight: Walking 7 miles without leaving an arena. How?
Ok NOW You’re an All Star
After all! this! build! up! The actual all star game took place Sunday night, with a PREGAME SHOW BY YOUR VERY OWN VINCENT DIESEL (which I did miss because I was at a bottomless dinner situation). This game featured TEAM GIANNIS (even though Antekoumpbo wasn’t plying thanks to some “left hand soreness” or something) and TEAM LEBRON (even though King James left the game bout 15 minutes in with some “left knee soreness” or something) in a battle of EAST vs WEST but also those designations mean very little because half these people have switched teams since being selected. This game also featured a BIG LEBRON TRIBUTE because he recently passed Kareem Abdul Jabbar (a charitable KING) for most points ever scored so they did a whole presentaiton of the top three ever scorers. Who is the third you might ask? Someone we will not be giving a platform to on this blog! And that’s that! There is literally zero stakes in the all star game itself (teams play for money for charity) and the last few minutes just turned into a dunk contest (which people did disparage online) but honestly it was fun to watch some legends goof around (except for Kyrie Irving, fuck Kyrie Irving, why is he allowed to play, I hate this man with the passion of a thousand suns, a concept he probably doesn’t understand because he thinks the earth IS FLAT BECAUSE HE IS A MORON). 10/10
Highlight: I had 3 Bud Lattes….life with beer is a good life
Lowlight: The aforemention honoring of a pedophile! Big Yikes!
BONUS REPORT: To Ski or Not To Ski
Something I found out ahead of going to Salt LAke City is that it is apparently a Top Ski Destination and also PResident’s Day Weekend is A Top Ski Weekend. News to me, someone who famously doesn’t do land sports and ESPECIALLY doesn’t do land sports where you can DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE BODY but you know, to each their own! I am more of an Apres-ski girlie, but I did dabble in Watching People Ski which is a sport in and of itself! Highly recommend! Do not ski, instead, drink beers at altitude.
That’s all I got on NBA All Star- stay tuned for more match reports as basketball season reaches it’s peak!
