Our NFL Drinking Game Rules
Because if we are going to spend three hours sitting down watching a sport, we are going to have a beer in our hand while we do it.
You’ve asked, we’re answering: A Not So Definitive List of Times You Should Drink During a Football Game.
Ok, you didn’t ask. But trust us it’ll be FUN. (If you drink responsibly, our lawyers aka our parents wanted us to put that in here) Whether you’re watching at a bar (in some parallel universe where people are allowed to go to bars and we’re not living in a dystopia, isolated in our homes with only alcohol to create some semblance of a personality), or in the comfort of your own home, we encourage you to take part in following some, or all of these guidelines. Now: less talking, more boozing!
DRINK:
Any time the commentators say something homoerotic. Every man reading this rolled his eyes and mumbled “football isn’t homoerotic” but for the rest of us NOT living in denial (or those of us with dirty minds) this sport is full of innuendos. Really USE your imagination here. Including, but not limited to…
Mentions of “ball handling”
extensive talk about “tight ends”
Finish your drink if Tight End Jake Butt (Broncos) makes an appearance
the players slap each other’s butts. (Throwback to when Tom Brady talked about swamp ass)
one player grabs another by the helmet/mask, and looks deep into his eyes. We can only assume they’re declaring their love for each other in this scenario.
In weeks 1-5, any time the commentators declare a team is Super Bowl Bound. IT IS TOO EARLY FOR SWEEPING DECLARATIONS FOLKS
Any time the commentators boast some random crazy statistic. This actually applies to all sports, but it’s a serious plague in football. They’ll be like “Travis Kittle is the first 49ers player to catch a ball at the 39 yd line in 50 years isn’t that INCREDIBLE?!!” No. It is not incredible. Drink.
They miss a field goal. I’m not trying to bully kickers, and I know there is a lot of pressure on them so they have my utmost respect, but it’s sort of like FTs in basketball…do your job, bruh
If there’s a Pick 6. Finish your drink if Tom Brady throws a pick 6. Actually, finish your drink for any pick 6. That’s some EXCITING stuff
ICYMI, Pick Six: A QB throws an interception, the opposite team scores.
If a touchdown ruling is overturned. We’re messy bitches who live for drama, we love to see a call reversed.
If a team goes for it on the 4th down. (Finish your drink if the commentators let you know how bad that team is at converting a 4th down) This is a big trend now because Analytics Football is like “you should ALWAYS go for it” and we support taking risks.
Any time there is CONCUSSION PROTOCOL.
If a Manning Boy is mentioned. They’re nice boys! Even if they’re retired.
Special New Rule For This Year: Any time a head coach is wearing a mask incorrectly or, not at all.
SOME SPECIAL TEAM RULES. Drink if…
A referee makes a penalty call against The Saints. I don’t care if it was obvious. The Saints are ALWAYS innocent and the game is rigged against them. Also: If Drew Brees licks his fingers.
The Browns and the Steelers get in a fight. Or, if the commentators mention last year’s brawl.
Alternatively, if the Browns make the Super Bowl, do a keg stand.
Also for the Steelers: Drink for mentions of Ben Roethlisberger’s elbow injury
The Washington Football Team’s lack of name is mentioned
If commentators make reference to The Raiders moving to Vegas or The Rams moving back to LA.
If Tom Brady yells at the Bucs offense, or if he throws a fit. If Tom Brady makes a pass to Gronk, drink, because they’re in love.
If Eagles QB Carson Wentz is “unprotected”, sacked, or if they lose a player to injury. (Not wishing this upon anyone, obviously)
If Patriots coach and noted asshole Bill Bellicheck is wearing his trademark cutoff sweatshirt. Two drinks if he has a hat on. Finish your drink if he has a hat AND a hood on. Finish TWO drinks if he’s accused of cheating.
If the words “Number One Draft Pick” are uttered while The Bengals (Joe Burrow), The Browns (Baker Mayfield, Myles Garrett, etc) or The Cardinals (Kyler Murray) are playing. Two drinks if it’s mentioned while they’re losing.
If the phrase “World Champions” is used to describe The Chiefs. (We don’t talk about how annoying that is nearly enough) If you’re trying to get fucked up, you also could drink any time their Super Bowl win is mentioned. If The 49ers losing the SB is mentioned, drink.
If Seahawks player Russ Wilson is referred to as a “beast” or the phrase “unleash the beast” is uttered.
If Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is being an asshole aka if his comments (read: policy) about kneeling during the anthem are mentioned drink. If one of his players kneels, FINISH YOUR DRINK OUT OF RESPECT FOR THEM.
If it is snowing during a Vikings, Packers, Bears, or Lions game, you should take at least one shot of fireball to warm yourself up. (What? You don’t keep fireball laying around? Ok wimp, buy some nips and suit up, its football season!)
If Ravens superstar Lamar Jackson’s MVP title is mentioned, and if the commentators throw any shade at him/doubt his abilities.
If anything about New York being the epicenter of COVID is mentioned while the Jets, Bills, or Giants are playing. Also for NY teams: if one of their QBs fumbles, throws an interception, or gets sacked, drink.
Feel free to bookmark this page, print out these rules, or tell us your ideas for any specific team rules that we skipped (sorry! there are too many teams and as you know we have a strong policy of Not Watching All 500 Games each week). Seriously, let us know, because it’ll be a boring three hours if we’re not feeling at least a lil tipsy.
