Sanctions & Suffering
Turns out that when it costs billions of dollars to run a successful sports team and all billionaires are evil/corrupt, it’s pretty hard to keep corruption out of your sport! This has been a messier week than normal in the world of football, and I am not even just talking about Europe this time. There’s a LOT to unpack and to be completely honest we’ll still probably miss something, so let’s get to it.
In the Champion’s League…
Pain returns. Not slowly, but all at once, in the form of a Karim Benzema hat trick. PSG entered the second leg of their UCL clash with Real Madrid up 1 goal, which as I made very clear last week was not going to be enough (as we all know PSG can’t possibly win when they’re up one, mentally incapable) , but after some earlier drama on Monday questioning Mbappe’s availability, he started the game and I turned on the match with hope, the thing with feathers, perched in my soul. After all, Mbappe has been the key to PSG’s success all season, and with him on the pitch, very little else seems to matter, and I was proved right several times early on when he scored (but had it taken away), and then scored for real, giving PSG a 1-0 lead going into the half and a 2-0 lead on aggregate. Then the cruel and almighty soccer deities chose to punish PSG, and though we as mere mortals will never understand why (revenge for the atrocities of the qatari government? Retribution for the greedy indulgence of having Neymar, Messi, and Mbappe all in the same uniform? Or just the practical results of putting a bunch of billion dollar players on a pitch together without any uniting team strategy or mission? Probably all of the above!), we proceeded to throw the game away. Gianluigi Donnarumma, once my sweet italian prince, is dead to me, after goofing around in front of the goal, giving the ball to Real Madrid, letting Benzema score, letting the tide turn, letting 2 more goals in (one from the kickoff after the first one), jesus christ why do I even WATCH THIS SPORT. Of course he is not the only one to blame (except for the first goal, that was all him, 100% his fault, ask Neymar), our defense has been shit all season, and now we’re out of the champion’s league and it looks like we SPENT ALL THIS MONEY FOR NOTHING (and if that’s how I feel, imagine being the qatari president! who almost attacked a ref after this game!), and I’ve already spent too long pontificating but what is the POINT OF IT ALL FAM. Anyways in the other games Bayern Munich made FC Salzberg their bitch, 7-1, with Lewandowski scoring the fastest hat trick in UCL history (a stat that doesn’t matter but I’m obligated to share). Liverpool also snuck by with a win over Inter Milan, based off their aggregate score, despite losing 1-0 at home on Tuesday. Apparently there was another game on while I was watching PSG implode, but it was Man City (chorus of boos) and they already had a 5-0 under their belt so it was a meaningless scoreless draw.
In The Premier League…
If you can believe it, things have gotten worse! Last week, Chelsea owner & Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovich announceed he would sell the club, ending an incredibly successful era of Chelsea history (in which they’ve won just about everything there is to win), to avoid sanctions (i.e the freezing of his assets, which would prevent the club making any money and doing any business). He was willing to eat some cost, and bidders started coming out of the woodwork (although, rightfully, Rory Smith pointed out that if you’re hearing about someone wanting to buy the club, they’re probably not buying the club. Stuff like this happens very BTS) (Behind the Scenes, not BTS the KPop sensation) (although…. you guys interested??), offering wayyyyy less than the club was worth because they knew Roman had to get Chelsea off his hands ASAP. Bad news (or I guess, depending on who you root for, good news)- he wasn’t fast enough! This morning the U.K Government imposed sanctions upon Russian oligarchs (who apparently really love London, idk), including Abramovich, leading to all those juicy assets getting frozen. TLDR: The Chelsea store is closed for the foreseeable future. Looking to pop over to Stamford bridge and catch a match? Tough luck. Everything is still a little fuzzy (Thomas Tuchel spoke to the press and was like “yeah idk what I’m allowed to do now???”), and the government has assured they will preserve the integrity of the Premier League, and Chelsea can still play their games, but this is, in the words of our president, a BFD. Oh, and their top sponsor dropped out today as well. Is this an episode of Ted Lasso!!?
Yes, that was a massive paragraph and I haven’t even TOUCHED last weeks games yet. I told you there was a lot going on this week! On the pitch, we might as well start with Chelsea, because we watched this one. It was a tight first half, 0-0 going into the half and looking like anyone’s game, and then I went into the other room for no joke 5 minutes and Chelsea had scored 3 goals. Truly a blink-and-miss it type of turnaround, but I guess good for Chelsea that they are at least playing well, despite *gestures broadly*. The Manchester Derby reprise was this weekend, what was supposed to be a massive match up for a struggling United side (I mean, they’re not like Everton struggling but they’re not thriving as much as they should be with the talent they have and maybe we should not invest so much money in 36 year olds but, whatever). Kevin de Bruyne, a man who’s face turns impossibly pink on the pitch, made the game his bitch with an early goal, and City ended up winning 4-1. Players were accused of “giving up” in the second half, which is unfair and untrue if you watched the game, but also even if it was true, can you blame them???? Elsewhere, Tottenham thrashed Everton 5-0, and the liverpudlian side is hovering just a point above relegation. Liverpool beat West Ham thanks to a Sadio Mane goal, and Leeds United lost, despite the hope for a new manager bounce with their very own Ted Lasso (Jesse Marsch).
In Serie A…
In this week’s episode of: No One Wants To Win the League, Napoli tumbled from their top spot after a loss to the Milanese. Side bar: Italy has the best demonyms by far of anywhere I’ve ever heard. Oh, you’re a Californian? They’re MILANESES. Roman is the exception that proves the rule. Anyways! Inter follows their local rivals, in second place by just 2 points, after a a 5-0 whopping win over the almost-definitely-basically-already-relegated Salernitana. None of these top three teams have a TON of tough games left (Milan still have to face Juve again, but other than that they don’t play anyone in the top 6), so they’ll all need to squeak out as many of these wins as possible to keep title hopes alive. With Inter’s elimination from the UCL on Tuesday, none of them are seeking out European titles still, so this should be shaping up into more of an actual drive for the trophy in the next month. Elsewhere in the table, Venezia are fighting to survive, which we are REALLY pulling for because we need their swag in serie A. Roma & Atalanta are head to head currently, and will keep butting up against Juve in the fight for 4th place.
In Ligue 1…
I was procrastinating this one because, guess where else PSG lost this week? That’s right, another domestic league loss! After being embarrassed by Nantes several weeks ago, and then making a big deal of how they could beat ASSE (the worst team in the league one could say), they faced off against Nice this past weekend. Nice is well known as the defensive darlings of the league, keeping the most clean sheets, They’re also kinda having a moment right now, headed to face Nantes in the Coupe de France final (for the first time since the 90s), and they’re living the truth that we all know: Defense. Wins. Championships. Nantes is having a moment as well, making a real run for the European spots of the table. Marseille on the other hand are looking dismal- they lost to Monaco this past weekend and despite being in third they seem to be on a downward slump. They’ll have a chance to get back in the groove against Brest this weekend, and they’re still in the Europa Conference League contest as well. The game to watch this weekend will be Lyon- Rennes: Rennes shooting for a spot in European football and having quite the season, Lyon fighting to keep their season alive and vibing after a 4-1 victory over the albeit shitty Lorient. Speaking of shitty! I take it back, ASSE isn’t the worst team in the league, they might be the best, they’re winning the whole thing? Ok, small exaggeration, but they are OUT OF THE RELEGATION ZONE (the ASS of the table as it were) and playing wayyyy better thanks to their new coach.
In La Liga…
I am once again declaring the title race to be over (as I did in September), this time for realsies. I mean, unless I am wrong. Sevilla could only manage a draw this past week against Alaves, who, in case you’re keeping track, are in the relegation zone. This is one of those you-really-had-to-win games, not because it was tightly contested, but because, come ON you want to win the league you gotta beat the shitty teams! Aye aye aye. They now sit in second, by 8 points, which isn’t impossible to overtake, but feels like it’s all slipping away. Real Madrid, for their part, DID win this part weekend, as did Atleti, as did Barcelona, and the top of the table looks like it’s back to normal for the first time all year. Well, normal, if the past ten years or so have been normal. Barcelona is maybe good again? They’re scoring goals, because, well, they bought a bunch of players that can score goals (incredibly sneaky strategy…genius offensive mindset there).
And Elsewhere…
As I have said about ten times now, it was a tough week in soccer. Over in the Mexican League, a fight broke out at the match between Queretaro and Atlas, resulting in 17 dead and many injured. I don’t have anything funny to say about this. It’s horrible, and it’s a thing that has happened in soccer that should never happen and I thought the era of that happening was over and it’s super fucked up. That’s it. You can read more here.
Also fucked up, but for a different reason: Carli Lloyd’s Shit Talking tour. In case you missed it, despite a two year celebration, she recently retired (both from Team USA & her Club Team), and has since decided to use all her free time to trash talk the negative culture of the USWNT and the way way in which apparently everyone else became money whores who didn’t care about the game. Pot…kettle…all I’m going to say.
Let’s hope soccer gets a little less intense going forward, I am not optimistic, but, let’s hope anyway, the thing with feathers, that never stops at all.
