America, A Lexicon of Fashion. The NFL, a Lexicon of Injuries.
Football is BACK baby and, true to form, two exciting things happened: I tried to watch games and passed out, and I tried to watch the saints and was directed to the Jets instead. Classic! The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Don’t worry, Katrina watched a little (also true to form, and i own that!) and, between the VMAs & The Met Gala, and General Fatigue (tm), we caught a few plays.
Games We Didn’t Watch: (seems like a lot but there were no byes this week so!!)
Seahawks 28 - Colts 16: Russ had to make Ciara proud because she modeled her Met Gala look after him. Cute!
Texans 37- Jaguars 21: Trevor Lawrence threw some TDs! But the Texans were sneaky good!
Chargers 20 WFT 16: WFT on the struggle bus because their QB is injured. Yes, Already.
Steelers 23 Bills 16: DO NOT FREAK OUT MAFIA BRETHREN, THE BILLS ARE WARMING UP.
49ers 41 - Lions 33: Is….ANYONE going to do the defense? No? Okay then.
Bengals 27 - Vikings 24: A game that went to OT- if u can’t win in 3hrs, u don’t deserve to win, unless ur a Burreaux
Panthers 19 - Jets 14: Wow two whole touchdowns each? Nice Job guys!
Cardinals 38 - Titans 13: The Cardinals said GAS PEDAL & exploited all the Titans weak spots.
Broncos 27 - Giants 13: I mean, is beating the Giants really winning?
Saints 38 - Packers 3: Jameis got LASIK and is a fucking football prodigy now that he can finally see the endzone
Dolphins 17 - Patriots 16: Wow okay a tight one! Mac n cheez Jones isn’t ready for the Big Boys yet I guess!
Us, hiding in the bathroom at a bar so we don’t have to listen men lecture us about the football
Games We Watched:
Bucs 31 - Cowboys 29
Ok, well, watched is generous because I was on vacation by the OCEAN and a lot of the cuisine in that area is generally made to murder me (person with shellfish allergy) so I was microdosing benadryl all Thursday evening and DID promptly fall asleep after putting this game on, but, hey! it counts! The Cowboys, America’s Team, showed us that they can still try their best and not succeed. Tom Brady showed us he takes no days off, he’s a goat, etc etc. (this is great for my fantasy because while I still hate Tom, I’m trying to win so he is my number 1 QB) The Bucs strategy of bribing everyone to come back and pull one last heist may actually work, but they are a slow starting team, so stay woke to them even if they look like they’re not all that. Or if you catch them casing the joint.
Eagles 32 - Falcons 6
Truly forgot I watched this game??? It’s week one and I am already tired of this shit! The falcons managed to make the Eagles look really good, while also not scoring any points. Like their defense (I Know it doesn’t look like it!!!) did actually make some good stops and held the eagles back, but then the offense did NOTHING and well…defense wins championships but it can't win ya a game I guess. This game was headache inducing because the Eagles starting QB Jalen HURTS was playing alongside the (partially injured? maybe? idk somethings up with his quad) Zach Ertz (who is sporting a blond look now) against a team with a player named Hayden Hurst. Plus it was bird v bird! (if it flies, it spies) Lazy scriptwriting IMHO!!!!
Chiefs 33 - Browns 28
Pouring a little of my beer out to all the Browns fans out there. This was a tough one. The Browns led for most of the game, were looking GREAT, and the always problematic (but commercially excellent) Baker Mayfield was having a rare golden day where he kept FINDING RECEIVERS and MAKING PLAYS until 2 things happened. The first was Patrick Mahomes, because the best QB of his generation (I said it, don’t @ me) is not going to stand by and take an opening game loss. No sirree. He yelled at his teammates BIG TIME and I’m not sure if it’s because he became a dad in the offseason or what but it was really scary and the offense got it together after that. That might not have been enough to turn the tide against the browns until the second thing happened, and that was Mayfield throwing an interception. Seeeeerious bruh moment. Anyways both their defenses need work. Also, there was also a SCUFFLE between a coach (chiefs) and a player (browns) which is DRAMA, which you know we love.
Rams 34 - Bears 14
Ok this was during the VMAs and I would challenge you to find a footballer who can be as hot/interesting as Megan Fox in her Mugler dress, HOWEVER, I was flipping back and forth and caught the highlights. The Rams were thriving now that they have an actually competent QB (well, for the most part. Stafford did get sacked once). Here was the highlight: The Bears didn’t play Justin Fields (mostly), and instead opted for Andy Dalton, who FYI is not really that good? Listen, this topic has already been discussed in the group chat, and we all know Fields is eventually going to be their guy, and that the Rams have a scary defense, and Justin got knocked over a few time in preseason blah blah blah. Here’s the thing, Chicago: If you’re waiting for when you’re ready, you will be waiting for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!! As the Monat girls tell us all the time: If you’re looking for a sign, THIS IS IT! Quit your 9-5 (Andy Dalton) and start living your dream life (Justin Fields)! Until you do that, we can’t support you! Remember, trying is DYING, you have to commit to the dream!
Raiders 33 - Ravens 27
There were some ACTUALLY exciting things happening in this game: The Raiders had a full stadium for the first time (wasn’t impressed, you will still not catch us at large events, and if you did, it wouldn’t be a Raiders game smh), and Raiders player Carl Nassib was GAY and PLAYING FOOTBALL. Arguably other people may have done this before, but you really would never know it, and he IS the first to be doing it with like, people knowing, so it was a big deal! Tbh I would have grabbed some butts, for the gay agenda, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. He did essentially win the game for Vegas, because after they had THOUGHT they won & had the touchdown overturned and then had a turnover that sent the game into OT, he helped them score. Like a true GBF, always helping us score. (I promise I will not do this to Carl all season, but let me have this one game okay).
Us trying to enjoy Futbol and American football creeping in behind us.
Looking Ahead
This week, we’re looking forward to PRIDE NIGHT in Washington, which may or may not be the most ridiculous concept I could think of: A night celebrating LGBTQIA+ awareness in a sport that’s aggressively homophobic (despite being, let’s face it, pretty gay) in WASHINGTON, a team that is both without a name because their old one was too RACIST AND is under investigation for a toxic culture for women. But sure, let’s call it pride night!
