Butt Punt. (NFL Week 3)
I LOVE THIS SPORT I HAVE NEVER NOT LOVED THIS SPORT I WANT TO WATCH THE BUTT PUNT ALL DAY LONG
Ok in retrospect it’s not as good as some of the other butt related errors of yore but I only want to discuss butt related football plays from here on out. Lamar Jackson running to the locker room to poop his pants? Front page news for me. The 2020 Butt Interception? That was my super bowl. Alas there are other things to talk about I guess, so let’s get into it:
Games We Didn’t Watch
Bears 23 Texans 20- Couldn’t think of a game that matters less to me. Sorry!
Colts 20 Chiefs 17- Colts with the UPSET to get their first win of the year. No one panic though, all good teams are obligated to fuck up and make us question everything at some point, just be glad the Chiefs did that early on.
Vikings 28 Lions 24- America’s team falls, Vikings rise, tbh again I do not care but I suppose it’s good for everyone if the packers have competition in their division, and that’s most likely to come from Kirk Cousins, which is in itself quite crazy.
Ravens 37 Patriots 26- The Ravens continue to be good! Lamar killing it for Hamers Wheell (Katrina’s fantasy team) (it’s my team and no i don’t know why it’s named that). Mac Jones left this game “screaming in pain” about a busted ankle which is really bad news for the pats because 1) he was just starting to look kinda decent? and ran the ball? and 2) they do noooot have a backup plan.
Titans 24 Raiders 22- The Raiders are officially winless (despite the fact that my recent encounters with their staff in Vegas has won me over to being a fan? It’s crazy that the teams I am rooting for aren’t automatically doing well?) and their schedule is only going to get tougher. They’re also failing at winning games late, which is how they did well last year, so that’s not great. Happy for the titans tho!
Eagles 24 Washington 8 - The Eagles might win the super bowl? Stay tuned bc this probably means they’ll lose this week, but everyone is very scared of them.
Jaguars 38 Chargers 10 - Everyone is questioning why the Chargers kept Justin Herbert in the game (considering his ribs are just mush at this point) when they were losing by so much and! I don’t have answers for you but this man is bound for injury at this point. I know he’s not a rookie anymore and he wants to play with the grown ups, but part of me thinks we should put the kid gloves back on. On the other hand, Trevor Lawrence reminded us all that he’s not bad!!!! Points for him and his hot wife!
Rams 20 Cardinals 12 - Arizona my guys you gotta win more games! Idk roll rams I guess.
Falcons 27 Seahawks 23 - Another game I do not care about sorry everyone! Battle of the birds!!
Games We Did Watch
Browns 29 Steelers 17
This game was lame except for this catch that happened in the second quarter:
Absolutely bonkers that man had no business catching that go OFF king! Sadly it wasn’t enough for the Steelers to get the W. More importantly!!!! Star Browns player Myles Garrett was in an ACCIDENT leaving practice Monday because he swerved to avoid a deer and flipped his car THREE TIMES. Luckily he’s mostly okay, but it might be a bit roughed up though and might miss some games. No word on the deer though, uh HELLO???
Panthers 22 Saints 10
These IDIOTS. I am going to cancel their school trip to london if they don’t start behaving!!!!! Ahead of next week’s trip across the pond, the Saints looked like hot garbage (I guess just getting proper fit still). The defense just left Christian McCaffrey to his own devices, he ran all over them. There was no blocking happening, especially from our O Line, and Jameis isn’t great on a good day, so he definitely needs the O line to be helping him out. Alvin Kamara dropped the ball like 3 times (he does have an injury but still, like, just don’t play then), and the connection between him and Jameis is clearly off (unlike my telepathy with Elena which is spot on). Chris Olave did make up for some of his mistakes from the previous week, but STILL. And to top it all off, Wil Lutz, our normally perfect angel kicker, was having an off day. Come ON y’all. Whatever I’ll see you in London next week I guess.
Dolphins 21 Bills 19
Game of the WEEK baby! People we trying to hype up the below match up (more on that in a minute) but the Presumptive Best Team in the League (Bills) facing the Hot New Kid (Dolphins). Though this wasn’t a HIGH scoring game, it was still an exciting one: Bills were down 21- 17 with NOT a lot of time left in the game after a Miami touchdown. Nbd though, because then on the punt the Dolphins DID THE BUTT PUNT and scored us a good ol fashioned safety. First safety of the week! Much like Chekhov’s gun, this is foreshadowing! Anyways that cut the lead to 21-19, meaning the Bills only needed a FG to win. Easy right? WRONG. They didn’t do it. They ran out of time! There was some kind of misunderstanding between Josh Allen and the other players and the whole we-don't-have-time-for-this energy, which did lead to this happening:
Grown men throwing a temper tantrums…Men will literally become the offensive coordinators of a professional football team instead of going to therapy. Ben and I tuned in to the last 2 minutes of the game aka when all the football happens and I can tell you- it did NOT disappoint!!
Packers 14 Bucs 12
Big QB Battle: Old Man vs Crazy Man. Everyone was like wow this game is going to be incredible! And you know what that means: It was a SNOOZE FEST. Never fails, every time. Tom Brady got sacked. He didn’t score any touchdowns in the first half. Aaron Rodgers and the packers looked slightly better than they have been, but scored 0 points in the second half. Truly I watched all three hours of this game and couldn’t tell you a single interesting thing that happened in it. It was 7-6 for what seemed like 2 years but was just 2 quarters. Anyways good luck with the hurricane/flooding guys!
Broncos 11 49ers 10
Giuseppe Genoa Nina Pinta & Santa Maria Garoppolo returned as a starter and, behind Christopher Columbus, became the most shameful mainstream Italian of the season (this is topical because next week is Indigenous People’s Day!). Before the biggest error of the game he threw several interceptions, and they were really struggling on offense, and then he STEPPED OUT OF THE ENDZONE on a play and scored a safety (what did we say? Safeties cannot come alone, I’m starting to wonder if this is like that magpie saying??? Though this wasn’t really two for joy?)One hates to see this! Apparently! NFL twitter was roasting him pretty hard- I guess this is a very embarrassing thing to do? (And that famously Dan Orlovsky did it? He’s now a commentator so he can’t be that dumb!) Which imho seems a little unfair because I would love to see you all remain perfectly calm and aware of your surroundings while 12 beefy dudes run at you trying to take you down. His job is hard let’s take it easy! Anyways that doesn’t bode well for the Jimmy G hive, but if he needs a shoulder to cry on, I’m here babes!
Looking Ahead…
It’s that time of year again! The two weeks in which the NFL tries to convince people in London to watch OUR kind of football (it could work this year, the pound and euro are in freefall, it’s called SOCCER NOW) Why do they do this? No one knows! But this is a great way for y’all to get used to waking up early for all the World Cup games coming up! Also this blog is late so currently I’m watching the Bengals play the Dolphins, which is the first time Joe Burreaux has faced Tua since he beat the tide en route to winning the College Football Championship. Geaux!
