Big Bigotry Hours: European Soccer Round Up
Late breaking news: Soccer fans might be racist? I for one am completely shocked, I did NOT see this coming, after all these years of definitely always respecting all types of players??!?!!?!? The fans decided to be racist all of a sudden???!?!?!?! Crazy! We’re going to recap what the h8rs are putting Vini through in Spain, give you an update on Shakira’s divorce, and even continue to break news about the queen (she’s still dead). Let’s get into it:
In the Champions League…
No Games this week! It’s time for the first international break of the season baby!!!!
In the Premier League…
Games in London were postponed (again) because of the STATTY FUNES (state funeral) but elsewhere: Arsenal kept up the solid work they’ve been doing by beating Brentford (not a flex)- we’re still waiting for them to have a Statement Win over a big team, but they look united so far. Tottenham scored HELLA goals to beat Leicester 6-2: Good for england because as Harry Kane goes, the national team goes, even better for Sonny because he got a hat trick and he’s an all around good dude. Fulham beat Forest (starting to worry about the Tricky Trees), Villa beat Southhampton, Everton beat West Ham, and Man City beat a man-down Wolves thanks to goals from (who else?) Haaland, (surprisingly) Grealish, and (another english bloke in fit form ahead of international break) Phil Foden. Lastly, Newcastle and Bournemouth tied, and btw Bournemouth is for sale…if anyone is interested in going dutch for it?
In La Liga…
To Elaborate on our headline: Early last week, Pedro Bravo said that Vini Jr. (Real Madrid) needed to stop “dancing around like a monkey” when he scores a goal. Soooo that was super racist (you can imagine why) and went over…not well. Luckily Vini had a chance in the Madrid Derby to flip off the haters (after many other players came out in support including Neymar and Pele and Gabriel Jesus), dancing allllll the way to victory. We love to see it. Barca has risen to second in the table thanks to 5 wins in 5 games, most recently notching up a W over Elche with 2 LewanGOALskis and 1 from Memphis Depay. But it’s not all sunny there: NOTED VILLIAN and Shakira’s Ex Husband Gerard Pique was reportedly complaining about his lack of playing time as of late. In response, coach Xavi said: aaand now you’ll be playing even less. Got em! Real Betis continues to be surprisingly good (or I guess above average)- they sit in third and beat Girona, who aren’t very good. Celta is still struggling (lost to Valencia), OZUNA lost to Getafe (in a multi red card thriller), Real Society beat Espanyol, Villareal & Sevilla tied 1-1 and Mallorca & Cadiz got wins as well.
In Serie A…
Juve is in deep shit and the haters are loving it (this past week they lost to Monza). We’re not big on Juve here, considering 1) they had Ronaldo and any team he plays for is normally full of assholes and 2) they pretty much ran this league for the last twenty years (which is different from, like PSG running a league because in Italy their is a richer history of competition between the 7 sisters, aka the top flight), and we’re tired of it! So it’s exciting to watch them flop, we’re not afraid to admit it! Their main problem isn’t even talent- they have good players and a good feeder sister, as well as money to spend, their issue is team manager Allegri, who’s strategy just is not working with these players and in this league. He’s kind of like the Bill Belichick of coaches right now-has he had a ton of past success? Of course! But it’s not working anymore and he refuses to adapt. A boomer refusing to adapt? We cannot stan. Juve has two options: Keep Allegri, Lose the Season, or Lose Allegri, actually compete for the scudetto. Our money is on Allegri staying. Elsewhere: Napoli continues to be devilishly good (beat Milan) and that is something we ARE here for (ancestral home stay reppin honey!), Inter fell to the Udinese (flop era behavior for a team that was SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD wyd fam), and Roma lost to Atalanta. I know what you’re thinking! Elena, you told us Roma, was amazing!!!! They still are, I have faith, but they have a Goal Scoring Problem. We all know someone who’s not a closer, and in Serie A right now, that’s Roma.
In Ligue 1…
We’ve got a red card problem! The LA POSTE SPONSORED Referees have given out nearly twice as many red cards in Ligue 1 than in any of the other professional league in Europe. Including the fastest in history, this past weekend, Let them PLAY my guys!!! This week in red card news: Nice lost to Angers (1 red apiece) and Reims got a red card in their loss to Monaco. Monaco, for their part, has stepped up their game a bit recently after a disappointing debut of the season. Lille improved on recent performances in a win over Toulouse, Strasbourg is on the struggle bus after another loss (winless in the last 5) to Montpelier, Lens didn’t beat Nantes but they’re still a fun team to watch and it was a good game. In a bottom of the table battle, Troyes beat Clermont Foot. Marseille drew against Rennes. PSG beat Lyon in a BIG game! Jk it was boring, the only goal was in like the 6th minute, by Messi, and then it was a stalemate.
Looking Ahead…
As mentioned, it’s international break!!!!! (Insert jazzy hold music here) No club soccer this weekend, but, ahead of the world cup you might want to check out the following match ups:
Thursday: In the UEFA Nation’s League… Belgium faces Wales, France faces Austria, Croatia faces Denmark at 2:45pm EST.
Friday: In some friendlies, TEAM USA faces Japan in a friendly (at 8am), Brazil faces Ghana (2:30pm). In Europe Italy faces England & Germany faces Hungary.
Saturday: Scotland faces Ireland, Spain faces Switzerland
Sunday: France faces Denmark!
No roundup next week, we’ll see you in a couple! Remember not to be racist!!!!
