Don’t Call It A Comeback: NFL Week 2
Don’t get us confused for people who actually like the sport of football but…I feel like the NFL has gotten way more exciting? It’s almost as if they heard us giving notes and they… took them??? 3+ hours is still far too long for a sporting event to endure but the second halves of football games have been RIFE with excitement and comebacks in the first two weeks of this NFL season. Take this stat as evidence: Last year, in the entire season, there were 0 comebacks when a team was losing by 20 points. Yesterday, there were 2. The breakdown:
Games We Didn’t Watch
Chiefs 27 - Chargers 24: There was a big ado ahead of this game but it ended up being more about the defense than the 2 hot shot QBs. The Chiefs defense look like a fine tuned machine and Justin Herbert paid for it dearly. The Chargers did their best to stay in the game but, as the commentators said, with Mahomes on the other side, you need a 2 score lead to feel comfy. It didn’t happen. Even worse: Justin Herbert injured cartilage in his ribs (every day this sport teaches me about body parts I never knew existed) and remains questionable for this week.
Patriots 17- Steelers 14: Two teams I do not care about! The Patriots improved upon whatever was going on in week 1, the steelers coach mike tomlin told everyone not to freak out after this loss but all the players are talking shit to the press about the bad play-calling. Spicy!
Lions 36 - Commanders 27: The lion’s are america’s team now don’t @ me!!!! They continue to be wholesome as heck, see: this locker room celly that warms my cold dead heart. Carson Wentz got sacked into his own endzone which means…A SAFETY. You know we love a safety! This game had something for everyone!
Jets 31- Browns 30: Cleveland was up 30-17 with just under 2 minutes left in the game. They said: it’s over! Let’s take a nap. But, like the proverbial tortoise, the Jets were not sleeping, and Joe Flacco led the team to 2 more touchdowns, sealing up the win in a shocking twist (like, I think even he was surprised). Looks to me like the Browns forgot one of the most important rules of football: all the important parts happen in the last 2 minutes of the game. Come on guys, even we know that one.
Giants 19- Panthers 16: The G-Men go 2-0??? What is going on my friends! What is this topsy turvy world in which the New York Football teams WIN GAMES????? Is this linked to Mercury being in retrograde???
Jaguars 24- Colts 0 : Are the jaguars good or are the colts just bad? Idk, and I don’t care. Sorry!
49ers 27- Seahawks 7: Jimmy G really said “that’s a nice quarterback you got over there….it’d be a shame if something were to…happen to him”. Not all Italians are mobsters….we don’t stereotype ….I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that Giuseppe Angelo Corleone Garoppolo’s replacement busted his ankle (like reaaaaallly busted. Big surgery, out for the szn) when everyone was saying Jimmy’s obsolete….
Dolphins 42- Ravens 38: I TOLD Y’ALL THIS WOULD BE A GOOD GAME. Of course, I didn’t watch because I was invested in the saints game, but here’s what I saw based on my espn alerts: The Ravens came out swinging. They were doing touchdown after touchdown. At one point, Lamar Jackson did a zoom to the moon and ran 79yds for a touchdown(I, Katrina was ESTATIC). In case you missed it: the field is 100yds. He ran a C+/B-!!!!!! BUT! As TuAnon could have told us, Tua rose to the occasion. He threw 6 TDS, including 2 to Tyreek Hill and 2 to Jalen Waddle. The combo of those two dudes is TRICKY for defenses to cover (even a defense as good as the Ravens, who I think were just trying to get super fancy and confuse Tua and ended up confusing themselves???). Pretty thrilling stuff. I mean, it says something that I got non stop alerts about how GREAT my fantasy QB Lamar was doing and yet he lost the game lol.
Rams 31- Falcons 27: The Rams ALMOST let this one get away from them, after leading 28-10 going into the 4th quarter, where the Falcons scored a safety (Working on a theory that it is impossible for there to be only 1 safety scored in a week. Like they always come in 2s for some reason?), and 2 touchdowns (1 with a 2pt conversion). They still ended up losing, and Marcus Mariota got sacked 3 times, but the Rams should be worried because they do not look so hot.
Broncos 16 - Texans 9: Yet another boring game I don’t care about, but the moral of the story here is everyone thinks Nathaniel Hackett (broncos coach) is a doofus and the Russ does not look as good as he should. Let Lewis Hamilton call the plays already!
Cardinals 29 - Raiders 23: CBS cut to the end of this one after Cowboys (lawful evil) defeated Bengals (neutral good), showing me a game in which there were zero second left on the clock and the Cardinals had just scored a touchdown (making it 23-21), and were trying to set up for their 2pt attempt. How they manage to make the last ten seconds of these games last three years, I’ll never know, but Kliff Kingsbury is thanking his lucky stars because had Arizona lost this one, he’d probably be packing his bags. Their big investment in Kyler Murray seems to have paid off, after a disappointing debut week the QB did a lot of side stepping and run game and sneaky passes to bring the Cards back into this game despite trailing 21-0 at the half. Then they crushed it in the last few minutes, pushing the game to OT, where they didn’t score on their possession (they got the ball first which normally assures a W in these BS OT rules), but did force a fumble (which the Raiders recovered) and then did a pick six (which is hard to recover from) and that was the ball game.
Packers 27- Bears 10: Exciting to watch Justin Fields score a cute little touchdown! It did kinda end there as far as good things for da bears, but, in the meantime, I think we can all enjoy this Ayuhuasca TD celebration: (and btw it’s not a drug, it’s a plant so it’s healthy!)
Games We Did Watch
Bucs 20 - Saints 10
Did I have high expectations for this game? No. I am big on setting LOW expectations and being pleasantly surprised. However I would not characterize any part of the viewing experience of this game as pleasant. For the entire first half, it was a snoozefest, with one field goal apiece and zero touchdowns. One thing about me: I am looking for touchdowns!!!! Preferably from my team! The perk here was that the Saints Defense was really strong from the jump, pressuring Tom Brady and limiting his already limited options on offense (Mike Evans was covered PERFECTLY by Lattimore, Chris Godwin was out, so it was slim pickings). Then, things escalated. The Bucs started doing better, Jameis started throwing interceptions (why are you like this!!!!!!!!) and a BIG FIGHT broke out between Lattimore and… well tbh everyone? Hard to know exactly what went down but it LOOKED like Lattimore talked a little trash (probably something about Gisele)(low blow but it’s also the TRUTH) Brady yelled back at him (probably something racist!) and then Lattimore was like dude what the fuck and then Mike Evans ran in from the sideline and decked him (He’s suspended for next week)????? And then the saints also got in trouble!!!!! It was just dumb and then there were a bunch of bad penalty calls and we lost and I am MAD ok!!!!! Not giving up on my boys though big game this week against the panthers see you all at the bar baby!!!
Cowboys 20 - Bengals 17
Some of you might remember a few years ago a young boy named Joe arrived in Cincy on a tide of glory, a promising future ahead of him. And then he got sacked, and injured real bad, and missed most of his first season. And then he came back last year and led them to the super bowl! But he still was getting sacked…a LOT. Like, more than anyone. SO in this most recent offseason, the Bengals went out and revamped the Offensive line to protect their franchise qb. How has that worked out so far? He got sacked 6 times on Sunday. This man is more sacked than a kilo of potatoes. For their part, the Cowboys do have one of the best defenders in the game (Micah Parsons) making a lot of good plays, but something has GOT to change on this Bengals team. This was the Cowboys first week without Dak, but back up QB Cooper Rush didn’t seem stressed about taking on the mantle of The Big D- he put on a clinic and came out to an early lead. The Bengals had absolutely no business being in this game after stalling out for the first half, and all the sacks we mentioned, and the fact their defense wasn’t doing much, but somehow Joey B made magic happen with passes to Higgins, Mixon & Chase. They definitely need to improve their run game (since everyone expects them to be passing, it’s pretty easy to defend when you know exactly what the opponent will do)(NFL teams, hire us for more strategy takes) , but this team has some grit. Their comeback in the second half was aided by their excellent kicker(Shout out McPherson, a nerdy white boy name if I’ve ever heard one), and a sneaky TD + a two point conversion that tied the game up 17-17, but in the end their defense couldn’t do enough to stop the cowboys from sealing the final FG and winning. Evil Defeats Good.
Bills 41 - Titans 7
Two Monday night games for the price of one?!! How’d we get so unlucky! (SEE: mercury in retrograde)Neither of these were fun to watch in terms of competition, as they were both blow outs, but BOY do we love the Bills Mafia and for that reason alone it was all worth it (as Twitter discussed, here’s hoping the Bills and Eagles do not both make it to the Super Bowl because this country does not have the infrastructure to support these fans). Josh Allen is legit unstoppable? He was so good, even under pressure he never looked stressed. Also very good? Stefon Diggs who got a heck ton of catches and 4 TDs. Every time the Titans got the ball in the second half, the commentators were like ok they really gotta make something happen here and then one of two things would happen: a) a three and out or b) they would throw an interception (there were 2, including one after they subbed out Tannehill for their rookie QB to give him some snap experience). They also boofed a return (aka the part when they receive the ball from the other team) which led to the Bills scoring again. Honestly tough to watch but roll Buffalo!!!
Eagles 24 - Vikings 7
In Other Dirt Bag City news…. The Eagles look terrifying! Philly Locals (apparently) Quinta Brunson & Bradley Cooper (duh elena haven’t you seen Silver Linings Playbook?)watched as Jalen Hurts looked like a Really Good Quarterback. He ran, he threw, he scored TD like nobody’s bidness baby! On the other side of the ball, the Vikings looked like trash! This was supposed to be Justin Jefferson’s revenge game, after the Eagles snubbed him in the draft, but Kirk Cousins apparently didn’t get the memo and just did…nothing. I’m over the Vikings, but if you know this blog you know I’ve been a Jalen Hurts stan for years and I’m thrilled to see him getting his just desserts. Last thing you should know- the eagles have a player named Darius Slay. Slay all day baby!!!!
Notes For Week 3:
Biiig rivalry matchup coming up between the Steelers and the Browns on TNF, but those teams are kind of trash so who cares! Instead, we recommend Bills- Dolphins, to check how Tua stands up next to the potential MVP Josh Allen (1pm) and then Rams- Cardinals (4pm), which is an important divisional game/ important for both teams who are looking to keep their seasons on track.
