Quiet Quitting: NFL Week 6
WE ARE BEGGING YOU TO STOP MAKING US WATCH THE BRONCOS IN PRIME TIME
What’s that?
We don’t have to?
No one has to?
Is that the secret to inner peace?
The Games We Didn’t Watch
Bears 12- Commanders 7: This game was boring and these teams suck and despite making a HUGE DEAL abouty Carson Wentz being undefeated (6-0) when he plays Thursday night football which as a statistic makes no sense and guess what he got injued and they lost!!!! Rather than dwell on all that let’s kick off the blog by talking about this ESPN article which alleges Commanders owner Dan Snyder refuses to sell the team, has hired Private Investigators to dig up dirt on all the other owners and roger goodell for blackmail (which tbh I am sure they did found) and claims “if he just had a signature Quarterback, everything would be fine”???? All NFL owners are evil men (well, and some evil women! that’s called feminism!) but this man is truly unmatched. Sadly he’s not wrong and if the Commanders were doing as well as, say, the Eagles, we probably wouldn’t know about any of this behind the scenes drama! Anyways you all should read the article, we all should boycott the team, and not just because they were 50% of the reason we had to sit through yet another horrible thursday night football game. OH! All this almost made me forget! Things must be getting pretty bad over there at Amazon (they paid so much money for this trash football!!) that they’re pandering for the swiftie vote.
Giants 24 Ravens 20 - Holy MOLEY the GIANTS BEAT THE RAVENS!!!!!!! Big day guys!!!!! Bad for Katrina’s fantasy team (she has Lamar JAckson) unclear what happened with the Ravens defense (they’re supposed to be good) but wow wow wow Saquon Barkley is giving us everything we didn’t even know we needed this year.
Colts 34 Jaguars 27 - Y’all ok if we skip this one?
Patriots 38 Browns 15 - Love to watch the browns lose, hate to watch the patriots win. Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.
Falcons 28 49ers 14 - Sad the 49ers lost but you can’t win em all! Unless you’re the eagles!
Jets 27 Packers 10 - I. Had. The. Time of my Life (watching aaron rodgers lose). Up the Jets! All the New York Teams won this week! Or 2 New Jersey teams and 1 NEw york team, depending on how you spin it! In the post game, aaron said they need to simplify the offense (read: I am a two time MVP quarterback, let me play the way I want to) and then matt lafleur said: idk what that means. Things are going well!
Steelers 20 Bucs 18 - You’re laughing? Tom Brady is going through a mid life crisis and losing to the gdamn steelers and you’re laughing? You’re sick. You’re watching this video of a man becoming truly unhinged and screaming at his teammates (even though he skipped training camp, doesn’t work wednesdays, and flew to NYC the night before this game for Robert Kraft’s wedding to a woman half his age) and you think that’s FUNNY??? honestly, same, this shit is funny.
Vikings 24 Dolphins 16- Tua is coming back next week TG. Maybe I shouldn’t have shit on Kirk Cousins so much?
Rams 24 Panthers 10- I mean, not to take away from the win, but it’s the panthers. Rams, I hope this is a sign of upward mobility, but i am not optimistic.
Seahawks 19 Cardinals 9 - Arizona ...yikes. They just got a new WR in for this coming week, which might help, but I hope not because they play the saints. This was supposed to be an easy week for you guys!
The Games We Did Watch
Bengals - Saints
These losses are starting to blend together. The Saints led for a lot of this game, and it felt like the Bengals literally did not possess the ball once (partially supported by the data: Saints Time of Possession 32:14, Bengals 27:46, but really it felt like more than that). This game also went by very quickly (well, as quickly as a football game ever goes, quickness is a relative term), which, much like the United States after the war of 1812, left me with that all-dressed-up-with-nowhere-to-go feeling! (Niche American Pageant Textbook reference- the girls who get it, get it). Much like that Panthers game (which we lost) this really feels like a game we could have won! The Bengals offense, while doing a p good job in the first half of not letting Joe Burrow get sacked, didn’t do very much in the first half! Andy Dalton proved he is a back up QB king (who is making a very good argument for being our regular QB), Alvin Kamara had some good carries, but they just got too relaxed in the second half and you CANNOT get relaxed when joey b is driving! The real highlight (low light?) was Joe Burrow rolling up in Ja’marr Chase’s UNWASHED HIGH SCHOOL JERSEY- just local boys being local boys!
Bills - Chiefs
Katrina was in charge of this one! Complain to here that it’s gone unanalyzed!
Eagles - Cowboys
THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS THE BIRDS ARE UNDEFEATED. It’s a dangerous time right now, with the Flyers kicking off their season in proper form (Gritty is reaching full power…be warned), the Phillies headed into the ALCS (NLCS? Idk whichever one they’re in the semi final, they just have to beat the padres to make it to the World Series), and the Eagles being the scariest team in football. (Note that I ignored the 76ers, who did start their season last night but we’re not gunna discuss it!) Of course there was a lot of build up for this game since 1) the cowboys are everyone’s favorite team to talk about (speak for yourselves, the only thing that I care about when it comes to Dallas are the cheerleaders!!!!), and 2) the aforementioned philly success and 3) it’s a divisional match up so it is a game that matters baby! Back up QB Cooper Rush continues to be an absolute DARLING but he did throw his first interception in this game which, like a groundhog seeing it’s shadow, means it’s time for an earlier spring Dak Prescott return. Honestly overall this game was still medium boring, except for favorite-name-of-the-week Darius Slay having a lot of good plays and twitter responding positively to him (how could you not, his name is literally SLAY!).
