The Worst You’ve Ever Seen: NFL Week 5
It was a week of lows in the NFL- the worst Thursday Night Football, or rather, any football, game ever seen, roughing the passer calls causing uproars, and our first coach firing of the season. On the other hand, we got some high scoring thrillers and one sister placed several bets- the Vegas bug has bitten me and I think I’m coming down with something. (Jk I can’t afford to be a gambler!). Let’s break it all down:
The Games We Didn’t Watch:
Giants 27 Packers 22: We live in a world where both the Giants and the Jets have winning records. I am not sure what this means for the grand scheme of the rules of the universe, but if you’re debating making a risky move, I’d say now is the time, because clearly anything can happen. NYC is becoming too powerful!!! Let it be known that in showing highlights of this game on MNF, the commentator at ESPN pointed out the game was in London, and then said “of course we are all still grieving the loss of Queen Elizabeth II”. Moment of silence for the statty funes. Seems irrelevant my guy? Also speak for yourself! Anyways the Giants came out to an early lead, which Aaron Rodgers did his best to overcome, but Saquon Barkley proved too strong of a gamechanger. Bad news for the G Men ( and for Ben) is that along with the Touchdown he scored Sunday morning, he picked up an injury as well, and is TBD for next week.
29 Patriots Lions: Proof I shouldn’t get into the betting game: the one week that I put money on the TOP SCORING OFFENSE IN THE NFL to score a touchdown, they end up not scoring a single point. Wtf guys!!!!!
Texans 13 Jaguars 6: In a different week, this game would have been booed for how boring it was, but TNF took that title. I’ve said it nearly every week about these two teams but I’ll say it again- I just cannot find it in my heart to give a single fuck about them.
Jets 40 Dolphins 17- This Miami offense was really missing Tua this week (now we decided he actually is concussed in case you missed that), sorry to say when you know I am a longtime Teddy Bridgewater stan. Their defense also should have stepped it up, but, you know, win some lose some.
Titans 21 Commanders 17- This was a tight one but Tennessee continues a streak of good games that makes up for their miz start to the season (read: losing to the giants at home). Washington nearly tied it up in the end but alas, twasn’t in the cards, and for that we thank the OT Gods.
49ers 37 Panthers 15- Deebo Samuel was KILLING IT, as was Emmanuel Moseley (who is a defender, but decided to score points anyway. Then he tore his ACL tho rip). The Panthers looked miserable, they’ve only won 1 game in 5 (and that was a FLUKE ok the saints are BETTER THAN THAT), and so they decided to fire Matt Rhule, which btw meant doling out a 43 billion dollar payout. Yikes!
Vikings 29 Bears 22- This game was a CLOSE one, battle of the midwest titans, (not the actual titans those are in Tennessee) and the Bears really gave it their all, but a late in the game Minnesota TD sealed the deal.
Bills 38 Steelers 3- Rough day to be a pittsburgh fan (no one tell the kid from the swim school I work at!). Josh Allen is unreal, do we think he would marry me?
Bucs 21 Falcons 15- In the first BIG CONTROVERSIAL CALL of the week, Tom Brady got a bonus from the refs on a Roughing the Passer call (fun fact elena first wrote BUS here instead of Bucs … a transit themed team?? NFL pls dm us)
The Games We Did Watch
Browns 28 Chargers 30 COME ON DOWN TO CLEVELAND TOWN EVERYBODY well I (katrina) finally took the Cleveland Tourism Bureau up on its offer and flew to Cleveland for the weekend! Similar to the Chargers in the above tweet, I ventured into Ohio with low expectations (for the city- my expectations for the wedding we were attending were high and they were met!!). I was dead on my feet as was much of the city of cleveland fresh off a Guardians Wild Card win, so the bar started off subdued but gradually grew in volume as people had their hair of the dog beers. However, the Browns let Cleveland down, with 2 missed field goals (a first for their kicker) and a defensive collapse; a troubling trend that’s plagued them thus far despite pre season reports they were going to have one of the best defenses in the league. They DID manage to make a key stop to go for a field goal and the win…. but they boofed it.
