Derby Days in Europe

Hello and welcome to the best goddamn weekly european soccer round up that no one asked for! I am sure we’re the best because, after listening to round ups of individual leagues, none of those are as cute and witty as us, and they don’t even talk about France! This week, I briefly considered adding the Europa League to our rundown, which, if you read and do not retain the vital information we tell you each week, is the dorky younger sibling of All Star QB/Prom King Champion’s League. When I googled the Europa League, I found out there is a team competing in it called “The Young Boys”???? Like listen, I know you’re trying to sound cool, but just stop. No one believes you have a girlfriend in Canada, and no one believes that the best soccer team in Switzerland is just a vague reference to a group of teenage fellas. Anyway, in the football you SHOULD follow…

In the Champion’s League: That’s right she’s back for the second leg of the Round of 16! If this seems a little convoluted, it is, because UEFA is convinced that if something looks complicated, no one will think it’s corrupt. It is still corrupt. They rig all the draws. You know what they can’t rig: Both Barça and Juventus getting eliminated! We! Love! To! See! It! If you’ve been keeping up, that means our sweethearts PSG get to advance. If you've REALLY been keeping up, you might see that in this week’s game they had a draw, and to remind you: they COMBINE THE SCORES OF THE GAMES. Like we said: convoluted. This game featured very boring gameplay, but lots of cute moments afterwards with Mbappe and Messi being bros, Angel di Maria squeezing Messi’s cheeks like he was his great aunt, and Grizou switching jerseys with someone. Liverpool also advances (despite their..trash.. EPL season, they’re actually doing good here?), as does Porto (they beat Juventus, because they scored more away goals). Borussia Dortmund advances as well, which is great news for their young goal-scoring savant Erling Haaland, who literally listens to the Champions League theme in his car alone. (CHAMPIONNNNS)Like bruh…if you need a hype up playlist…just ask. We’ll make you one! Still to come next week: Real Madrid vs Atalanta, Chelsea vs. Atletico, Bayern vs. Lazio, and Man City vs. another german team I cannot begin to try to read or pronounce.

In Kiki’s own words: MOOD.

In the Premier League: There are some simple truths in the world of sports: Soccer players should always rock a fade when possible, yellow and green uniforms are cringe, and all streaks must come to an end. Man City proved that last one true this past week, losing in the Manchester Derby (pronounced DARBY, because, England!) to United. United pulled ahead early thanks to a Bruno Fernandez penalty, and, in a related development, “thanks to a Bruno Fernandez penalty” is the new club motto, since about 70% of their goals have come from that very phrase in the past year. Man City still sits comfortably on top of the table (BOOOOO). Chelsea have squeezed into fourth after beating Everton, which is good news for everyone except Christian Pulisic, who was sent to bed without dinner for having a bad attitude. (Jk, but Tuchel really doesn’t seem to love his vibe, and didn’t put him in the game until the 90th minute). Arsenal looks…inconsistent, Liverpool continues to have troubles at home (literally, in their own stadium), losing to Fulham (who are in 18th place, out of 20 teams).

In Ligue 1 (France): It’s a good year to be a team that starts with L in France, with Lille continuing to be a little shooting star, Lyon in third place, and Lens (a town, not a noun) sneaking into an (albeit distant) fifth place. (The exception that proves the rule here is Lorient, who is all the way down at the table in 17th. But hey, at least they’re above the relegation zone!) All three of these teams got solid wins this past weekend against middle-of-the-table teams. You’re like: Yawn. Where is the DRAMA? Look no further than Marseille, who are being steered into chaos by ex-dodgers owner Frank McCourt (fun fact: this man went to Georgetown and donated a LOT of money to have a school named after him the year I graduated! Even at the time everyone was like…ew). Basically this is like the OPPOSITE of the ownership situation in Ted Lasso: former Adidas CEO Robert Louis-Dreyfus (who yes, is vaguely related to JLD) passed away and left the team to his wife, who ran it well but wasn’t super interested in it, and she sold it to this RICH ASSHOLE and now people are LITERALLY RIOTING (McCourt compared this to the insurrection at the Capitol. Like what??) Anyway this dude knows nothing about soccer, was like “I’ll buy Messi, would that help?”, put a man from Paris in charge of the team, and has just been watching the world burn ever since.

In the Bundesliga: We are working on our German, which we will never actually learn (too many compound words) but it is very fun to say boooooondesleeeeguh. Try it at home! You know what isn’t fun? Blowing a 2-0 lead, which is exactly what Borussia Dortmund did vs. Bayern in “Der Klassiker” (lol) this past weekend. We told y’all this was a big match, and not to brag, but we were right, because it highlighted the big things to know about these teams. Dortmund failed to create chances on the counter attack and had nothing interesting on offense once they removed Haaland at the end of the first half (who promptly went to his car to listen to the Champion’s League song). They’re going to have trouble keeping their young superstars around if they don’t make it into the Champion’s League next year! Meanwhile, Bayern flexed their ability to score like, a shit ton of goals, mostly thanks to Lewandowski, a fine wine who ages very well. Bayern also proved they concede a good deal of goals, and their defense is pretty weak (yet another reason why PSG should have beat them in last year’s UCL final but… I digress). Anyway, domestically it is pretty much a lock for Bayern to win their title, despite a small challenge from Leipzig (who would have to win all their upcoming games to overtake Munich). And if you’re like: I really don’t care, you just sent me this link and I’m being a good friend by reading it, thank you, as a treat you can have this RIDICULOUSLY illegal tackle by Wolfsburg’s Paulo Otavio. (It’s worth watching, I promise).

In La Liga: Spain had their very own derby this week (I know! A derby in nearly every country! They really should spread these out, but if they did, what would we have titled this post?!)- The Madrid Derby. La Liga typically has 2 match-ups worth watching: El Classico (Barça - Real Madrid), and this one, which did not disappoint. Real Madrid looked like hot garbage (emphasis on hot, because we hate a Sergio, but that dude is sculpted for the gods) in the first half. It was Atlético’s game to lose, which, they did (well, they drew), because, like our German friends above, they got LAZY. SMH. That makes the real winner of this game Barcelona, because they’re edging in on Atlético in the title race. Also, if you actually follow la liga, and you’re like “girls, there are multiple Atléticos! There are 3 Reals!”: It is not our fault they’re uncreative in team names! Just assume we’re talking about the prettiest/most popular one.

In Serie A: Italy has been really disappointing for me in terms of delivering drama in the same way the other leagues have. I know you’re not supposed to pick favorites among kids but, as of now, the Italian league is our least favorite, especially considering its biggest star Cristiano Ronaldo has begun to have a wandering eye. Maybe the rumor mill is just taking a breather from the INCESSANT Messi speculation, but people are starting to talk about whether Ronaldo will leave Juventus this summer (and return to Man United???? and then if messi goes to Man City??? would any other league continue to exist?!?!?!?!?!). The thing is, people don’t really watch Serie A internationally, which is why Juventus is always like “hey let’s play the Champion’s League on weekends!!!” and the other European leagues are like “nah, our countries actually like us and come to our local games!”. Also Juventus isn’t even top of their domestic table (inter milan is, by a good deal), so maybe figure your own shit out at home before you bring trouble to everyone else’s house!!!

If this review feels a little long, it is only because we are striving to bring you the deepest cuts of each league. And by that, we mean we accidentally fell down rabbit holes researching gossip about one team and then had to share what we learned. I mean, the Marseille drama is worth it, no? It’s the Miami of France!!! Wait…maybe they should just put Pitbull in charge? If they want to become a global club, who better than MR. WORLDWIDE to lead them?!?!?!?! Ok gtg, we need to contact our people in the south of france to get the wheels turning on this one ASAP.

DALE