Field [Goals] of DREAMS
FOOTBALL IS MAYBE THE GREATEST SPORT IN THE WORLD I THINK
Until, that is, it isn’t. The divisional weekend was full of BIG THRILLERS and BIG WINS and BIG MISTAKES and wow wow wow are we a little overwhelmed?????? Obviously nothing will be able to top this!!! The Superbowl will be a yawn! Next weeks games will be duds! It is impossible to live beyond this weekend of incredible football! The sport, much like the omicron raging all around us right now, has peaked!!!!!! There were 4 games this weekend and ALL FOUR OF THEM ENDED IN SCORES THAT WERE A WALK OFF WIN. After literally an entire season of complaining nothing happens, THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!! The clock ran down to zero and field goals were scored at the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND in every freakin game. Do y’all realize how unreal that is??? These are unprecedented times, and for once that is a GOOD THING!!!! Ok enough hype, let’s break it down:
Bengals 19 Titans 16
With all the boring games last weekend, when we sat down for this one I don’t think we were ready for anything interesting to happen. But we forgot about the power of SWAG, a weapon wielded by the Cincinnati Bengals this season. Am I proud to say that about a team from bumf*ck Ohio (no offense cincy but you are actually Kentucky) But the team who’s motto is Who Dey actually did have some good ideas once, and one of those was drafting sweet baby Joe Burrow. Joe Burrow, whose offensive strategy is literally “f it, we’re doing it live, Ja’Marr Chase is probably down there somewhere”, who, when asked about last weekend’s playoff win (the first for Cincy in many years) said “get used to it”. The man is a young legend, and he proved it in this game, because he carried this team to a win despite getting sacked NINE TIMES. NINE!!! O Line, do better!!!!!
49ers 13 Packers 10
As MLK once told us, the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. And this weekend, AARON RODGERS RECEIVED HIS JUSTICE. Perhaps we were particularly frenzied watching this game as we were isolating after a COVID exposure (rather than watching at a bar, the ideal place to watch football, because you can get away with paying attention only half as much), and indubitably the presence of our go-to 49ers fan elevated the viewing experience, but the high of watching Aaron Rodgers lose, at home, to a team that did not score an offensive touchdown the entire game…well baby that’s a high like no other. To set the scene: picture a snowy, frigid Lambeau field, then add a 10 degree windchill. Imagine yourself as one of the 49ers, who live in sunny, balmy, San Francisco (katrina here, it’s not BALMY but it doesn’t snow that’s for sure). You are an underdog like no other, and on their first drive the Packers already score a touchdown. What cruel end to a season is this? Passes are dropped as the fingers of George Kittle seize up in the icy temps. Giuseppe Dino Martini Sinatra Garrapolo throws passes that both should be caught and should be intercepted, and yet neither really happens, because no one can hold on to a football, because it is too freaking cold. Aaron does a fumble, but nothing comes of it. The second quarter goes scoreless, but Jimmy throws an intercepp. The third quarter, the 49ers are held to a field goal. Both teams are doing a lot of sacks. Normally we wouldn’t be interested in a game that has only 1 TD three quarters in, but the SF defense is doing SO MANY AMAZING THINGS that we are mesmerized!!! Then it’s the 4th quarter, and it’s 10-3, and it’s not been an offensive thriller, and we are convinced the jig is up. Then, as the Packers are trying to punt the ball away from deep in their own territory, THE PUNT IS BLOCKED. THE BALL GOES SKY HIGH. For a moment, everyone runs around the field like Beaker the muppet (see above) and we have a flashback to Muppet Night Football and as we zone out this mans on the 49ers FINDS THE BALL AND GETS A TOUCHDOWN. It’s tie game!!!!! But as we know, the offensive hasn’t done much (on either side) so this isn’t great. Aaron Rodgers tries some long throws, isn’t successful, San Fran gets the ball back, they chug down the field, Deebo Samuel somehow avoids tackles like a ninja, and with just a FEW SECONDS LEFT they score a field goal. The apartment explodes in screams!! (Zoya got scared).There is nothing greater than watching an Anti-Vaxxer lose, and then get roasted on twitter for it:
Screw you Aaron and your antivaxx ass!!!!!
Rams 30 Bucs 27
After a pretty thrilling Saturday night game, we were still riding that high coming into Sunday, and had high expectations for this match up. As Katrina pointed out, we don’t really ROOT for Tom Brady (just do not understand him as a human being tbh) but if he’s playing in a game, you can pretty much guarantee that it’ll be interesting (The exception that proves this rule is New Orleans shutting him out this year). So we start watching this dumb football game and the Rams are just doing GREAT (meanwhile we are looking up Sean McVay’s girlfriend) (spoiler, she hot). They are scoring touchdowns, they are making stops, they (they being Von Bell) are getting Tom Brady his first ever taunting call in his career (shocking because he has HUGE “I’d like to speak to the manager”energy). They are up 20-3 at the half and we foolishly say: This game is boring, this game is over, we’ve watched 8 hours of football already this weekend and have a game coming later that will be better, let’s take a break. Well, as Shakespeare once said “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.” and we were gosh dang fools to underestimate 1) the NFL’s rigging machine that doesn’t allow such atrocities and 2) Tom Brady. Tom heard we changed the channel and started doing touchdowns and making a comeback (at which point, we proved we are actually the wise man who knows himself to be a fool because we turned the TV back on) Seems like Rams got a call from the commish who said “we can’t let Tom Brady get eliminated from the playoffs at least not this easily” and so they actively started trying to lose this game. In the 4th quarter, up by 14, the Rams kicker does what we refer to as an air ball and just totally misses the field goal. Ok, fine, bucs ball. With a little over 3min remaining, Brady throws a LOOONG td pass to Mike Evans. Then Cam Akers of the Rams just DROPS THE BALL on a mini run, and the Bucs recover. Then with 45 seconds left, on a 4th down with 1 yd to go, Leonard Fournette zooooooms into the endzone, making it TIE GAME with about 40 seconds left. Then the Rams remembered they’re supposed to try to win the game, Stafford makes some good throws, get’s them into field goal range, the kicker remembers how to kick a ball, and they score a field goal with ZERO SECONDS REMAINING. I mean they arguably deserved the win but kudos to the bucs for giving us a reason to turn back on the game!!!!!
Chiefs 42 Bills 36 (OT)
When all these players are old and their bodies are ruined by the sport that they loved, this is the game they will remember. It was, not to speak in hyperbole, maybe the greatest football game of all time and I am not even going to add the qualifier “if you can consider any football game great” because this one actually was. THINGS HAPPENED THE ENTIRE GAME. For once, the stage was set and the game lived up to the hype (which kinda is happening a lot lately and I am not totally sure I am comfortable with that). The QBs, Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes, are both in incredible form, at the top of their games. The Bills came with a vendetta after losing in this very stadium in the AFC championship 364 days earlier. On the first drive of the game, the Bills refuse to back down in the face of a 4th down (to be more accurate Josh Allen just went: “fuck it i’m doing it live” and ran for it), and it paid off in a touchdown. Mahomes didn’t blink and touched down riiiight back. Same deal in the second quarter: we trade TDs. In the third quarter, the Chiefs make a FG to take the lead, then a touchdown, but they miss the extra point (awkwaaard). The Chiefs are doing a lot of throw then zoom type plays, the Bills are doing a lot of “jesus christ Josh please throw the ball oh okay you’re going to run yeah sure whatever works OH THANK GOD HE GOT THE FIRST DOWN” type plays, interspersed with some buck wild passes. One of those buck wild passes: a 75 yard reception by Gabriel Davis (who’s breaking records by scoring so many TDs in his position. Tyreek Hill makes a huge return (only to be tackled by the guy who punted the ball…do better guys), but KC only squeezes out a FG. At this point, the fans in attendance at Arrowhead have taken JLo’s inaguration improv deeply to their hearts, and they are very verrrry loud. On a 4th down with 13 yards ahead of him, surrounded by defensive players trying to get another sack (each team allowed 2), Josh goes long to, once again, Gabriel Davis (and they get a 2pt conversion, we love to see it, spicing it up). At this point, we are under the 2 minute warning aka WHEN ALL THE FOOTBALL HAPPENS. We say, uh oh, this is a lot of time to give to Mahomes and the KC offense with only a 3pt lead, and like the spiteful gods heard us, the Chiefs (namely an untackleable Tyreek Hill) score a touchdown and take the lead with 1:02 on the clock. That’s still a decent amount of time, and everyone has all their time outs (aka how they Cheat The Clock) but it’s stressful because there is no room for error. Josh makes 4 big throws to take it to the end zone, Gabriel Davis catching the touchdown with :13 left on the clock. 3pt lead, 13 seconds. If you are not slightly hyperventilating at this point, you’re a robot. The bills make a controversial* punt that puts the chiefs at a touchback (25 yds), they ZOOM into field goal range, and they MAKE THE FIELD GOAL. IT’S A TIE. So we all get to move on right?!!!?!? Sadly no. Tragically no. And if we’ve said it once we’ve said it a million times, never much love when we go OT. KC won the coin toss they got a touchdown whatever they win the game. If you want a simplified version:
In Other News…
Sean Payton decided to BREAK MY HEART this week, releasing a statement that he is stepping away from his head coaching role with the Saints [Read: He is taking a year off and then is probably going to coach somewhere else]. There had been some rumors about this but I was WRONGLY reassured by the like 50 NOLA journalists I follow who all insisted he wasn’t going anywhere (he’s under contract until 2026 they said! he loves taysom hill they said! he’s a salary cap savant they said! I feel betrayed), so now we are in a tough spot. As for all the other empty offices around the league: the Bears have hired GM Ryan Poles (which people like), the Giants hired GM Joe Schoen the Jaguars are making moves for Byron Leftwich (is that a type of sandwich? haha get it????), and the Vikings are finalizing a deal with Kwesi Adofoh-Mensah. Still a lot of interviews to be had and spots to be filled though!
As for who’s NOT getting fired, Andy Reid’s Chiefs will face off against the Bengals in the AFC Championship this Sunday at 3:30pm and the 49ers will head to LA to see the Rams (just like they did in week 18) at 6:30pm. Loving these early time slots but we are very suspicious that is just a scam to get games to go into OT. Anyways we will be watching and drinking so TUNE IN, and if that’s not your cup of tea: Katrina will be dropping a Match Report in our Cold Beers Chronicles from her induction into the Cult of Gritty, and I will be reporting on Beer on Ice Part II, and, if that wasn’t enough HOT CONTENT coming your way well darlin THE OLYMPICS ARE BACK AND THEY ARE A MERE WEEK AWAY. Please refer to the Beaker gif for a temperature check on how excited we are.
