The Fall of the Super Eagles
We’ve been a little unreliable with our soccer updates recently, because of the absolute insanity that is the NFL Playoffs, and the copious research we’re doing for the Olympics, and because the schedules have been weird and because everyone has COVID and I tell you all this dear reader to let you know that none of that will change. (Stay classy San Diego!) In fact, there is no domestic soccer this week, they’re on international break, but also, there are no international games, which seems like an oversight. Actually correction: there are no European games, which if you’re head of FIFA Gianni Infantino, are the only ones that count. El Presidente was quoted this morning advocating for a World Cup every two years in order to give African countries HOPE:
So that’s pretty horrible to say, but in Gianni’s defense, he’s in charge of a pretty corrupt organization, so we can’t expect him to be a good guy in any kind of way. As if on a mission to prove him wrong, AFCON continues in full swing, with some SHOCK upsets to unpack (and they released the draw for World Cup Qualifying which we also going to discuss). It’s been a tumultuous week across the domestic leagues in Europe, so let’s break em all down (except the Bundesliga, fuck the bundesliga, all my homies think the bundesliga is boring)
AFCON Updates
Since we last checked in, the group stage is OVER, and we moved over to the ELIMINATION ROUNDS (insert dramatic music here). Who’s in you ask? Nigeria, Algeria(the Fighting Fennecs!), Egypt, Guinea, Gambia, Gabon, Malawi, Morocco, Mali, Cameroon, Comoros, Cote d’Ivoire, Cape Verde, Senegal, Burkina Faso and Equatorial Guinea. The first knockout match between Burkina Faso and Gabon included a red card for Guinea and a penalty shootout, which went to 7 kicks (BF won, which is probably good news for their soccer team, because the military just staged a successful coup, so maybe not an ideal time to go home?). The next game should have been a slam dunk for the SUPER EAGLES of Nigeria, but instead they got a red card and lost in a shocking upset to Tunisia. As if the tournament was rigged for alliterative purposes: Gambia & Guinea faced off (both got a red card, but the Gambia won 1-0), Malawi and Morocco dueled it out (and Malawi scored this incredible goal but lost 2-1), and Cameroon dunked on a down-to-ten-men Comoros. There is maybe TOO MUCH going on in and around this tournament for us to sum up in a neat little paragraph for y’all, so please try to tune in to see some of the games. Off the pitch, things have been rocky to put it mildly, with the above issues in Burkina Faso and this tragic incident outside a stadium in Cameroon.
In the Premier League…
Lots of thrillers this week at both the bottom of the table and the top and lucky for y’all we actually tuned in- blokes in America love to get up at 7am and watch futbol, sitting alone on the couch marveling at a strike. Tag yourself we are blokes! In a battle to avoid relegation, Norwich got 3 goals on Watford (who were playing a man down). I don’t have much creative to say about this match, mostly because I was blinded by the atrocious match up of color schemes, and my eyes are still recovering. The Wolves beat out our Brentford Bees (who in my mind are kinda like the British version of the Branford Hornets) but the good news is that they might sign Christian Eriksen (!!!! returning from the CARDIAC ARREST we ALL WATCHED this past summer, he can no longer play in Serie A because they have a rule against players with heart problems, discrimination). Man United won out over West Ham (those two keep butting heads over 4th place), but they look completely lost honestly. Ronaldo isn’t the right fit, neither is this Russian coach, Marcus Rashford seems unhappy and y’all know we support him, we honestly forgot they had Juan Mata on their bench, and Jesse Lingard is pissed that he hasn’t played in roughly a thousand years. Liverpool and Chelsea are both working hard to close the gap between them and the top spot, with the Reds putting together a confident 3-1 victory at Palace and the blues winning another London Derby (thanks to Thomas Tuchel being…creative in his formation??? Is this the darth vader we once knew and loved to hate?!?!) as the Spurs lost Sonny to injury (yikes). Southhampton was able to hold Man City to a draw (actually it would have been a win but Kevin De Bruyne got scary in the second half). Meanwhile Jack Grealish is haunted by the amount of money city spent on him, floundering under the pressure that comes with a big price tag. But on the bright side, he’s got a promising back up career in the Penguins of Madagascar Cinematic Universe:
Corporate needs you to find the difference between these pictures…..they’re the same picture
In Ligue Un…
Putting aside the massive news that Kanye West visited the Parc des Princes today and met Neymar and got a jersey that said Ye even though that is CLEARLY the top story here… In case you had any concerns about PSG’s goal scoring abilities, please see their 4-0 win over Reims this past weekend. Ligue 1 is challenging Serie A’s claim of being The League With The Most Goals, with 35 goals scored across this weekend’s 10 games. Reims may be a middle of the table team but PSG did an excellent job of creating chances and goals came from some unexpected places: Sergio Ramos scored what I believe was his first goal for the side, Marco Verratti, our italian resturanteur KING, reminded us how important he is to the squad. While Hakimi is off with Morocco at AFCON scoring goals in an attempt to convince the Qatari that he could pass for Neymar, PSG is finding its footing (pun intended) at home. There are still a lot of kinks to work out though, and luckily after the Int’l Break they’ll face defending Ligue 1 Champions Lille in what should be a challenging match up. Lille is middle of the table right now, and lost to Brest this past weekend, but that was their first loss in 15 matches. Also middling: Lyon, who faced off in a derby against ASSE (less of a team, more of an active drowning victim at this point, there is TRULY NO HOPE that they stay up, which yes means that asse is dropping it low to Ligue 2) and were only able to win thanks to an early penalty goal. Lyon needs to go back to their actual winning formula: PLAY THE BABIES. They have one of the strongest academies in Europe giving them a wealth of young talent to tap into, and yeetttttt they’re not doing it. The strengths of Ligue 1 teams lie in their abilities to cultivate an environment in which young players can grow and blossom into fearsome strikers (see: Kylian Mbappe), and not enough people (both on the teams and in the spectator dept.) are recognizing that!!! And yes, that does sometimes mean raising an incredible player, like Kamara of Marseille, only for them to seek greener pastures (rumor has it he’s going to United) if they’re not being played enough.
In Serie A…
There were 2 MASSIVE matchups in the Italian league this weekend, and as is often the case in a battle of great foes, they were hard fought and left unwon (the spell check gods will tell you unwon isn’t a word, but that’s Big Dictionary’s corrupt influence!). First: Lazio & Atalanta, in the Tertiary Team of a Big City Derby (name needs workshopping), which of course…ended 0-0. Next up, a powerhouse duel between Juve & AC Milan which…also ended 0-0. This is pretty common in the big matchups, but both games were still very tightly competed! Not a ton of goals this weekend across the league but there WERE a lot of red cards- one of Genoa, Fiorentina, one for Sampadoria, and one for Salernitana. There’s some drama with Fiorentina, who’s GM is trading away all their good players (such as Serbian Vlahovic, who Juventus stole away), and AC Milan is making moves to dump some unnecessary expenses (aka players who aren’t good/worth it).
In La Liga…
Speaking of trade rumors! Barca is eyeing our favorite thick thighed Wolf Adama Traore (truly the dude is an absolute unit) as the transfer deadline nears. They fought hard for a win over Alaves this weekend, and even though they’re still not AMAZING they’re looking a bit more put together lately. Meanwhile Real Madrid barely snuck out a draw with Elche thanks to two late goals (one off a penalty, the other in stoppage time. Luke Modric reminded us that he’s old but still very good at his job, and Real is top of the table with a 4 pt lead. Just below them is Sevilla who ALSO got a 2-2 draw this past weekend, and then currently in third is Real Betis, a team I truly forgot existed. It’s not a title race right now but both Atletico and Barca are battling over the last champion’s league spot so we’ll keep an eye on that.
Looking Ahead…
Sadly no games across Europe this weekend, but happily AFCON drama continues so there is still soccer to watch! Also the USMNT have upcoming games against El Salvador, Canada, and Honduras in the final round of the OCTOGON World Cup Qualifiers (don’t ask me about the octagon, it is absurdly complicated and you do not want to here about it), a group of must wins if the squad wants to make up for missing the last World Cup. The world cup that France won, btw, in case you forgot. If you’re craving more sports to watch in the absence of futbol/champion’s league well, buckle up baby, because BEIJING IS COMING and while there is no soccer, there is Curling, which many (including us) would argue is just as fast paced and thrilling!!! (yes, I realize the more apt comparison would have been hockey, but you’re going to watch the hockey anyway, and no one from the NHL will be there, so it’s just a little too fraught)
