WEEK 10: Punting 101
Shocking we haven’t used this gif yet.
How appropriate that the ESPN Daily podcast had a whole episode on a football coach who never punts this past week, a week where every team decided to punt on maybe EVERY SINGLE DRIVE. This was one of those weeks where we wondered how this sport got popular in the first place, because it’s only vaguely interesting on a good day, and on its worst day it is an absolute trash form of entertainment. But alas, here we are, it’s football’s world and we are all just living in it.
Games We Didn’t Watch
Bills 45 Jets 17: Bills get back on track with a huge win (numbers wise, less huge considering who the opponent is, but whatever), get their offense rolling, and now can look ahead at more challenging matchups with a lil confidence.
Lions 16 Steelers 16: The Lions went from potentially being the first team to finish the season with an 0-17 record to potentially being the first team to finish the season with an 0-16-1 record. Which is still a first! Once again they fought hard and almost won, then blew it an let the Steelers come back. (low key I didn’t know you could tie a football game and turns out, neither did SEVERAL PLAYERS which like, was incredibly validating since if the players don’t know what’s going on, I don’t see how I can possibly be expected to follow!!
Colts 23 Jaguars 17: This game looks closer than it should but the Colts have now won two in a row and are second only to the Titans in the AFC South (if that means anything, who knows, the divisions are made up, how is Indianapolis the south, etc etc).
Washington 29 Bucs 19: We looooove to see the Bucs lose! (at the expense of my fantasy though) This is a classic November slump for Arians’ Tampa team. but I am sure they’ll be back in form soon. Washington got a big win at home, but it cost them Chase Young (their top draft pick from 2019, out for the season with a torn ACL).
Patriots 45 Browns 7: Tough to watch (I mean, we didn’t, but still). Belichick has his players in excellent form and Mac Jones is looking more and more like he can hang with the big kids each week. The Browns couldn’t get much going on offense, Baker threw an interception (but I ask you, who hasn’t in their day) and then left the game injured.
Cowboys 43 Falcons 3: STOMP ON THE FALCONS (if it flies it spies!). An Excellent Day to be a Cowboys fan, this team might actually win a playoff game this year (for the first time in like 20 years probably), CeeDee Lamb & Zeke Elliot had great days, and the defense ain’t bad either.
Panthers 34 Cardinals 10: Cam Newton is BACK BABY (which, don’t worry, he told the cameras), and it didn’t hurt that Christian McCaffrey joined in too. I guess it was the Cardinals turn to flop. Plus they were missing DeAndre Hopkins, QB Kyler Murray, and JJ Watt, who are all people I know the names of, so I assume they’re important.
Vikings 27 Chargers 20: As you may recall I don’t like the chargers, so this is good IMHO.
Eagles 30 Broncos 13: God forbid the Broncos be good 2 weeks in a row!
Chiefs 41 Raiders 14: Chiefs are back?!!?!? Their offense looked good again??? Or are the Raiders falling apart it could be either.
Games We Did Watch
Dolphins 22 Ravens 10
I am not exaggerating when I say this may have been the worst football game I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. AND I WENT TO TULANE. Let me paint you a picture- Katrina and I, week 9 of the NFL far behind us, stuffed pork chops in our bellies, clear eyes, full hearts, etc etc, sit down to watch what SHOULD HAVE BEEN a razzle dazzle display by generational talent Lamar Jackson. But even before kickoff there was a chill in the air and something was bound to go wrong (especially after all the commentators in Pregame picked the Ravens— a veritable kiss of death). Typically for Thursday Night football we do our best to pay close attention until halftime, and then fall asleep somewhere towards the end of the third quarter, but this game had us snoozing by the 7th minute. You’re like, Elena don’t be so dramatic! Let me break down the first few possessions for you: Baltimore starts off strong with a Field goal. Ok, not bad right? Dolphins then punt. Ravens miss the next field goal. Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Dolphins make a field goal. Ravens punt. Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Dolphins make a field goal. End of the first half. ZERO TOUCHDOWNS?!?!!?!?!?!? SO MANY PUNTS!?!?!?!!!?!? I truly hate it here fam. Then we were like ok time for bed I’m sure NOW the game will get interesting. NOPE. (side note: we went to bed, relieved that we wouldn’t have to deal with this game anymore, and then a utility truck parked outside our house at 10 pm and started blasting the game on the radio. You can’t make this shit up!) Start of the second half: Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Dolphins punt. Ravens punt. Can you imagine a LESS INTERESTING STORYLINE?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Anyways then the Dolphins back up QB got injured and they were like fuck it, lets put tua in even though HE’S injured, and they ended up winning. If you’re yawning, we’re with you. Well I mean I’m sure you’re yawning now, what with the whole power of suggestion thing.
Titans 23 Saints 21
Speaking of games that made me want to bang my head on the table… guess who went to the Saints bar this week? It was me folks and I know what you’re thinking, HUGE risk considering the last time you went the Saints lost, but I was feeling okay about this game because 1) the Titans were missing a lot of key players and 2) so were we so it felt like it could have been a wild card! Here’s what happened instead: I spent three hours in a dark dive bar praying to God that she would miraculously cure Will Lutz’s groin so we can have our kicker back, instead of this FOOL Brian Johnson who missed not one but TWO EXTRA POINTS. Granted, they were tipped by Titans defenders, but STILL GUYS. I don’t know if you see the score of the game up there, but if, perchance, someone had not missed the free easy point which is their entire job to make, then the game would have been tied 23-23. Would we have lost in OT? For sure! But that doesn’t MATTER. Sigh. Ok let’s see what else happened… Adam Trautman dropped the ball, some other Saints player busted his pinky finger (shit was way out of wack and they did keep showing it and I did NOT like it), I found our Trevor Siemian (our current QB) has a mullet and I hate it. Also they didn’t use Taysom Hill NEARLY ENOUGH. K that’s all I’m done.
Packers 17 Seahawks 0
I think it’s time to face the fact that Aaron Rodgers may not have been protected from COVID, but he has definitely protected himself from Bad Vibes, because we sent a lot of them his way this week and his still managed to win. I mean, not so much to his credit, because he threw an interception and no touchdowns, but QBs get credit for wins (yes, even the statistics of this sport are stupid). Disappointing for us! Also disappointing because Russell Wilson made his return to the Seahawks this week (as you may or may not recall he was sidelined with a tragic finger injury, thoughts and prayers only, but he’s back after a lightning fast rehab), and boy oh boy was he rusty. Could be because he was rehabbing his finger and literally not sleeping ; there’s a reason they estimate rehab to be a certain amount of time and we might want to stop glorifying players who come back early and “beat the odds”. Anyways, he threw two interceptions and not a single touchdown. It was not a great day to be a passer I’d say. The real star of the game was Packers AJ Dillion, and as always, DK Metcalf of the Seahawks, who didn’t play well but he’s got a fun look and he got ejected from the game at the end so he at least is giving us a narrative. Also important to note that Aaron Jones, a key part of of the Green Bay offense, left in the third quarter with an injury, but it’s not looking like it’ll be long term.
49ers 31 Rams 10
POP QUIZ: What have we learned happens when a team has everything going for them and has no reason to lose? That’s right, they turn into garbage! As was the case for this Rams team, who, not sure if you heard, acquired Odell Beckham Jr this past week (After all that browns drama, after he was like my top three teams are the Saints the Packers and the Chiefs, after Sean Payton said he felt “very confident” about the pitch the Saints had made to him, but WHATEVER I AM OVER IT). Now this place has everything - Matthew Stafford at QB, warmed up and ready to go, OBJ to receive, and Von Miller as yet another asset to the defense. The Rams are, to put it mildly, a stacked squad. But they played incredibly poorly : Stafford threw 2 interceptions, got sacked twice, and when it came to 3rd downs & 4th downs they went 3/10 and 0/2. That’s an ineffective offense, if you can’t tell. And we’re not going to pretend QB Giuseppe Maurizio Gucci Stromboli Garoppolo is perfect- he threw an interception as well- but the 49ers had nearly twice the possession time as the Rams, they were 8/14 on 3rd downs, and despite getting twice the penalties, they scored 4 touchdowns.
Big Takeaways
Someone told me the Saints season is over, which is rude and I’m still reeling (don’t worry it WAS a man, obviously, so I don’t believe them). This IS the time to get serious, because Thanksgiving is when we start painting the playoff picture (yes, pundits are already talking about it, but we are waiting until december, because playoffs are in January, and we currently still have seven weeks left). IF your team has a losing record right now: they need a hot streak. If your team has a winning record right now: they need to hold on to the momentum. We’re cresting over the first injury peak of the season (as you can see by the returns of people such as Christian McCaffrey) which is not to say more injuries won’t happen (puh-lease baby it’s football!) but it does mean you’ve passed the window to get a serious one (so tape up those fingers boys!).
