Thanksgiving Football Marathon: Week 12
Shalom Sluts! We are back and refreshed from our BYE WEEK, an annual tradition where we forget to write a post and then say that we deserve a week off. Cheers to that! This week we were inundated with mediocrity (what else is new) thanks to HOLIDAY FOOTBALL SCHEDULE which included 3 (three!!!!!! that’s three too many imho) thursday games, a slew of college rivalry matchups, and the usual slot of sunday slog. Hard to say how much we truly paid attention to any of these games, as we were very busy cooking and eating in the Great American Tradition of Shoveling Food but whether or not they are educated takes, the hot takes are coming your way.
Games we DIDN’T Watch
Bears 16 Lions 14: It doesn’t matter whether you’re a mac n cheese person or a green bean casserole person, the most consisted Thanksgiving Tradition is watching Detroit lose.
Bengals 41 Steelers 10: Any other year, this score would be flipped, but Cincy rolled through old Big Ben (who should probably retire) and boy was it fun to watch!
Dolphins 33 Panthers 10: The Carolina Panthers have lost 10 straight games with Cam as the starting QB. Tradition!!!!!!
Patriots 36 Titans 13: This was arguably the most important matchup of the week, but don’t worry, it wasn’t on our TVs! The Patriots continue to grow and look better and better each week, which is disappointing to be honest. Still rooting for the Titans but they’ve got a bit to figure out.
Falcons 21 Jaguars 14: Why do these teams exist fam they’re so BAD. @Roger Goodell please let me pitch you the concept of relegation.
Bucs 38 Colts 31: This was a tight one! Carson Wentz (Pete’s brother!) proved that he’s better than we give him credit for, but per usual Tom Brady found a way to win the day. Also, some dude on the Bucs LOST A TOOTH in this game. Will the Tooth Fairy bless him with 25 cents?Stay tuned
Jets 21 Texans 14: Trash team vs Trash Team, looks like a TON OF FUN to watch but sadly we skipped this one.
Broncos 28 Chargers 13: I’m still WILDLY confused about both these teams (are both good? Are neither?) but I am happy to see Teddy win.
Packers 36 Rams 28: It is HARD to win at Lambeau in the cold fam.
49ers 34 Vikings 26: SanFran pulled it out in the 3rd quarter after going tit for tat (TD for TD) in the first half. Also, Kirk Cousins lined up in the wrong spot, which led to this hilarious quote (when will this sport COME OUT ALREADY!) :
Who among us????
Games we DID watch: NFL EDITION
Raiders 36 Cowboys 33 (OT)
This. Game. Went. On. For. Ever. And I’m not talking about your mom talking to someone in the grocery store while you wait for her with the cart forever. I am talking about REAL Forever. In the words of our third sibling: “I didn’t know they could take points away that many times. I didn’t know a game could go on that long”. Shoutout to Noah for the poetry, could truly not have said it better myself, and for reinforcing our conviction that we are NOT BEING DRAMATIC when we complain about the length of the football! The Cowboys and the Raiders both reeeeaaallly wanted a traditional turkey day loss here: Dallas started out very slow (granted, they were missing CeeDee Lamb, but they had everyone else) and decided to wait until the last quarter to close the gap. Vegas also did their part in an effort to lose, allowing 3 sacks of Derek Carr (who definitely wears eyeliner, which I respect), and allowing a comeback by the Cowboys to tie the game. We always say there’s never much love when we go OT, and that was ESPECIALLY true here. Cowboys boofed their chance with the ball, and just when it was looking like the Raiders had bottled it as well (this is a new British term we learned this weekend and will be employing from here on out), Anthony Brown did some Pass Interference that kept their drive alive and allowed them to set up for a Field Goal. I couldn’t find any record of this so maybe I am remembering it wrong (or confusing it with a TD that was taken away from the cowboys in the fourth quarter due to a penalty) but I swear to god they did this kick four times (that’s Bible because I, katrina, remember it too) It was a game of SEASON HIGHS in penalties for both teams, and tensions ran HIGH baby! As evidenced by the fact that punches were THROWN! And there was an on field fight! (Is this hockey?!?!!) Ref Tim Hill got scratched!!! (And then had to wear a bandaid and looked like a dang fool, and he knew it too). Anyways it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t pretty but I guess that’s thanksgiving for ya.
Bills 31 Saints 6
As you can maybe tell from the score, this was not a fun time for me. Granted, the Bills ARE my backup team (mafia till we die baby), but it is pretty miserable to watch the Saints offense do NOTHING for THREE HOURS on THANKSGIVING in THE DOME. I mean, I didn’t, because idk if you’ve ever tried to stay up past 9pm on thanksgiving but it is physically impossible and in a game like this, it is UNHEARD OF. Just to recap, the Saints, on their third string QB (who was playing through an injury), were missing Alvin Kamara, Mark Ingram, and Taysom Hill. The Bills just ran right through em, and I would love to say it’s because the bills are good, but truly the Saints offense just did absolutely nothing. They were 5/14 on third down conversions (which isn’t good guys), and despite the defense’s best efforts (multiple sacks, two interceptions, just generally great work on their part), they couldn’t get ANYTHING DONE. I would like to remain hopeful, but I think instead I’m just gunna turn my attention elsewhere. That being said I will continue to watch them lose whenever I can, and I will be headed to a bar to watch CeeDee Lamb dance on the graves of my dreams this thursday. See you all there!
Giants 13 Eagles 6
I know you’re wondering why we watched this trash game but please remember, our options were limited and our attention span was thin anyway. We picked this over the Jets/Texans game because these teams share a division so in theory, this match up matters. In actuality, it is trash, but we are too, so here were are. The only real highlights for us were the following: 1) at one point, someone on the Giants caught the ball and then HILARIOUSLY fell down (like, no one tackled him, he just had too much momentum, like a dog overshooting a thrown tennis ball), which was obviously replayed from several angles, each one more hilarious than the last and 2) our pal Michael Strahan, the busiest man in entertainment, had his # retired so he got to celebrate with the broadcasting team at halftime. Unfortunately this means the Halftime report was done by the Junior Varsity squad, which included Michael Vick, who I said was hot, and Katrina was like “wasn’t he the one with the dog fighting” (yet another reminder that I am old because Elena didn’t remember this)and then I lost a solid half hour in a wikipedia hole learning about the Bad Newz Kennels (a hilarious name for an ultimately horrible enterprise). As far as the footballs go here, Jalen Hurts had a TOUGH day, throwing three interceptions (one of which was at the goal line, after a touchdown had been reversed on a penalty) & allowing one fumble. The Eagles also went 0/2 on fourth downs, resulting in two turnovers on downs. There are no real winners here, but we are definitely losers for having watched.
Ravens 16 Browns 10
There’s a LOT to say about this game, but very little of it has to do with anything that happened in the 60 minutes of play. I ,Katrina, DID watch it (well until 9 pm because I, like everyone in my family rn, have a TERRIBLE COLD so I had to go to bed!) and then when I reported these facts to Elena, she was like… but that has nothing to do with the actual game…. fam I know but like, is it my fault the commentators were so bad at doing their jobs? Anyways, here are the things I heard about during this game:
Lamar Jackson and Baker Mayfield were both drafted the same year, 2018 (wild because Baker seems like 38 to me) but Baker was NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICK (something that, like being President, you get to keep saying for life) and Lamar was 36th. This I guess was supposed to be like, and look at them now! To which I would reply, not scoring any points ?
Lamar and Baker ALSO both won the Heisman trophy in college (different years) and thus got to know each other during the Heisman banquets or whatever. Very relevant for gameplay I guess
Last, but MOST CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, we learned that the Ravens are participating in one of the best things professional sports does, funding service dogs for veterans or blind people. In this case, they are training a seeing eye dog named TUCKER after their record-breaking kicker. Tucker is a PUP WITH A PURPOSE and honestly I would have rather seen more adorable footage of him in a Ravens jersey than the hot mess of football on the screen but sadly, I’m not the producer (yet)
As for the rest of the game, no idea
Washington 17 Seahawks 10
Horrible news for me when I turned on the TV: Seattle was wearing their gross ass white uniforms (on a field with REAL GRASS no less. Disgusting). Horrible news for Katrina, who has DK Metcalf in Fantasy: The Seahawks kinda suck (just so everyone knows I am not as bad as Elena is making me out to be!! my division is very even!). Also Russell Wilson had to lose on his BIRTHDAY which seems a little unfair! Much like most of the games we watched this week (and many weeks), this was a slow one. There were not a lot of touchdowns, which normally leads to me just rooting for SOMEONE TO SCORE. And they really tried! The Washington Football Team lost their kicker halfway through the game and just decided to start going BALLS TO THE WALL, going for it on fourth down with like, a little more than two minutes left in the game. Spoiler alert: The did not convert the fourth down. Then the birthday boy tried to swoop back and SEAL THE DEAL and scored a touchdown after a quick drive down the field (putting the game at 15-17) and then they tried to do a two point conversion, which was INTERCEPTED. You hate to see it! Or maybe you love to see it! Idk where do we stand with these WFT guys I don’t really trust em??? We’ll leave you with this insightful quote from Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll re: Russ’s performance: “He missed some stuff”.
Games we ALSO WATCHED: College Edition
That’s right folks its a BONUS SECTION it’s like opening the NYTimes to find a fun insert with a giant crossword puzzle but instead of wiley wordplay on a grid you’re getting gridiron repartee. We haven’t been talking about College Football much this year (because, as you may remember, we don’t actually like football AND it’s rigged AND it’s really difficult to watch people in the PRIME OF THEIR LIFE get debilitating injuries AND we already devote way too many hours to to this stupid game on a Sunday, we cannot give up SATURDAY too, but, well, we’re here and there’s a lot to report on. The Latest and Greatest news on the coaching front : Oklahoma University coach Lincoln Riley got a BAG OF CASH to head to USC (they literally bought him out of 2 houses), and LSU stole Brian Kelly from Notre Dame. These are two big moves- USC has a storied program and is looking to rebuild & put the pac-12 back in the main conversation. LSU has one of the most expensive football programs in the nation and after announcing earlier this year that they’re buying Ed Orgeron out of the rest of his (Expensive!) contract, they’re hoping to bring on a coach that…can actually win. Also it’s always fun to to see the drama unfold when there is poaching involved- Notre Dame fans are pissed to see their winningest coach ever leave after 11 years. But who could turn down a purple uniform?
Cincinnati 35 East Carolina 13
The Cincy Bearcats have been a HUGE talking point this season, and now that they’ve finished their year 12-0 the punditry is about to be elevated. The question on the table: Do they deserve to go to the College Football Playoffs? In case you forgot (because the whole shindig is rigged), the CFB championship situation is a little complicated- basically a committee picks their top 4 teams to face off in semis and then a final. OFTEN this favors teams from the SEC, but will normally feature a Big 10 Team and, since they have Clemson, an ACC team. Is this problematic? Well, kinda. It’s often the same few teams that get selected, and other conferences (like the Pac-12, the Big-12, etc etc) get overlooked. But at the same time, the SEC and Big 10 are the most competitive conferences, with the top teams and top draft picks year to year, so it’s not like they don’t deserve the spotlight. (I mean it’s sort of a cyclical argument here, but we digress). Anyways, we bring all this up because Cincinnati, if you haven’t guessed, isn’t IN any of these top conferences, yet as an undefeated and unstoppable team thus far this year, many are arguing they’ve earned a seat at the table. And we cannot deny that they looked pretty good in this game against East Carolina! But would they look that good against, idk, Alabama? Probably not fam. Probably not.
Michigan 42 THEE Ohio State 27
GEAUX BIG BLUE WE DID IT!!!!!!!!
I mean we in the most liberal sense, but considering both Katrina & I were rooting against Thee Buckeyes, and given Jim Harbaugh’s record in rivalries/in this specific matchup, I can’t help but wonder if our good vibes weren’t the reason for this win. Thee Ohio State have rolled through nearly every opponent this season, stomping on Michigan State ahead of this matchup and looking pretty unstoppable. Their QB CJ Stroud has a gift for finding the perfect pass & sliding a shot over to his favorite receiver Chris Olave that ONLY HE CAN MAKE. If this sounds like Hyperbole, blame the announcers who didn’t shut up about this shit the entire game. Even though Michigan was winning…pretty much the entire time. The defense was EXCELLENT for Michigan, consistently putting in stops (dunno if that’s a term, but it is now) on third down and pressuring Stroud. But the hero of the day for the wolverines was Hasan Haskins, who put a whopping five touchdowns on the board. Not saying he carried the team but uhhhhh he was the nerd in the group project (he pulled a Jonathan Taylor as we say, that’s right, we got the references now). Michigan (no. 2 in the latest ranking) now heads to the Big 10 Championship this week against Iowa (which they should win because the divisions in this conference has vastly uneven skill levels). Other Championships to keep an eye on: the SEC championship, where Alabama will face GEORGIA. It’s Georgia’s title to lose this year ladies!
Looking Ahead
Ok first things first: I saw this image on twitter and cannot stop think about it. I do strongly agree that Matt LaFleur is the hottest coach in the NFL, but the rest of the rankings are BONKERS to me (BILL BELICHICK RANKS NINTH), and I demand justice for sleeper hotties (Frank Reich, and Pete Carroll should be higher). Please review the following and comment your thoughts:
Moving on: IT’S THE PLAYOFF PUSH baby! Not to give you too much whiplash, since the college boys are headed into their championship games and their title race is approaching, but the NFL Regular season is getting to crunch time as well. We’ve only got about a month left in the regular season, and I’m not sure if you’ve been paying attention, but EVERY TEAM IS BAD. Seriously, I was about to write that the Ravens were the only team on somewhat of a winning streak, but then I remembered they lost to the Dolphins TWO WEEKS AGO. AGH. The Patriots are looking good (on a 6 game winning streak). I, Katrina, also said just the other day, how is it we have watched SO MUCH FOOTBALL but i still can’t figure out what teams are like, ahead? The AFC race is looking preeeeettty competitive at the moment (because everyone slacked off for TOO LONG) and I feel like anything goes in the NFC. It doesn’t help that I don’t really understand the playoff structure at the moment, but no one worry, we’re gunna study up so we can teach you. Until then, it’s mulled wine season, and we will be drinking that and keeping warm and suffering through many more weeks of football together. Cheers!
