My Brother in Extortion
If you thought the transfer deadline was going to be the most exciting news of the week, sweetie you have no idea the level of drama this sport will throw at you. We’ve got a heck ton of headlines to cover, and to be honest, I watched very little soccer this weekend. It’s giving Page 6, it’s giving TMZ, it’s giving the low brow commentary we know you come here for!!!!
In the Champion’s League…
The Champion’s League? Girl she is BACK! Well, she’s about to be. Last week we had the drawing of lots, after which it’s tradition to stone someone to death (niche short story spoiler for all my homies also traumatized by 10th grade english) in order to decide on the GROUP STAGE. If you don’t know what the group stage is…are you new here? Just kidding we welcome everyone and learning this will be good practice for the WORLD CUP (have you heard there’s going to be a world cup). In brief: groups of 4 play each other (two times per team), top 2 teams from each group move on. There’s always a GROUP OF DEATH, it’s a law of nature, and this year is no exception. Groups are as follows:
Winners: Man City & Real Madrid, who both can win their groups with ease. PSG is not totally screwed, they’re a better team than Juve for sure imho, but they tend to choke and I could definitely see them dropping points against like, Benfica. Group of death: Some debate here, since Liverpool-Ajax-Napoli will be an interesting dynamic for sure, but the group with the most power players is Group C. It features Barcelona’s new signing Lewandowski returning home to his old club Bayern for a spicy match, and Inter (who will definitely try to make something of their run in the UCL this year) playing for a top spot as well. Groups B, D, and E are all interesting in that it could just go chalk (aka top seeds win, boring) or there could be some upsets, there’s not a clear spot for a runaway there.
In the Premier League…
Late breaking news! Bournemouth just fired their coach THIS MORNING as I am WRITING this post! This is the kind of up to the minute journalism your hard earned dollars go to folks. Why did they fire their coach you ask? Well, something about Liverpool beating them 9-0 (NINE!!!! as in one more than eight one less than ten! And people say this sport is BORING?) this past weekend I guess didn’t sit well with their board. It also doesn’t help that they’re basically winless so far this season, and since they just got promoted this year they’re very susceptible to the old one year up - one year down relegation yo-yo. This week in the Premier League wasn’t AS exciting as the first couple, but there were still some hits: Leeds reminded us they’re still a work in progress by losing to Brighton, Arsenal beat Fulham (Yet Another London Derby), Spurs beat Forest, Chelsea almost choked against Leicester (and got a red card in the process) but won 2-1. Speaking of Chelsea- they decided to keep Pulisic all to themselves, he wont be heading out on loan, and I would like to formally request that they keep him wrapped tightly and on ice because if that boy gets injured before the world cup I will Lose My Mind. Most exciting game of the week- Man City forgetting they’re supposed to be superstars and going down 2-0 to Crystal Palace. The world was topsy turvy for a moment, but then in the second half they pulled their shit together and won 4-2 at the end of the day. We’ll always have that first 45 Palace, never forget it. Last and maybe a little bit least, we have our favorite train wreck Man United, who not only beat Southampton this past weekend (not that big of a flex, but still) but ALSO have decided to close out the transfer window by spending A BILLION DOLLARS. They finalized things with Casemiro (77m), and just put out a chunk (95m) for Antony (from Ajax, because if there’s one thing Erik Ten Hag is gunna do, it’s buy players from Ajax!). I need this transfer window to CLOSE.
In Ligue 1…
Sadly I missed the PSG game this week, and even more sad to report…they didn’t win. Instead they got a draw, against Monaco who you may remember I was pretty hyped on preseason so I guess I can’t be too mad. On the other hand Monaco hasn’t really been playing that well (see: their loss to PSV that knocked them out of the champion’s league, for the second season in a row), so really shouldn’t have been that hard to beat them. Good news: Neymar kept his streak going and scored Paris’ sole goal off a penalty (oh god, not a penalty drama AGAIN). Elsewhere in France: Lyon drew Reims, Marseille creamed Nice 3-0, Montpellier put the hurt on Brest 7-0, and Lille came back from last week’s embarrassment to win 3-0 over Ajaccio. More on some french drama in a bit!
In La Liga…
Scary news out of Barcelona (and, no, I’m not referring to Shakira’s court battle or the fact that Gerard Pique’s new bitch is taunting her- but also apparently that was fake, idk i have WHIPLASH)- Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng (formerly of Arsenal) was robbed at gunpoint Monday morning in his home (where he lives with his partner & 2 kids). I am aware (thanks to the exorbent spending this transfer window) that soccer players make a lot of money but, my guys, THAT’s who you’re choosing to rob with an assault rifle? When I say eat the rich I am not talking about these dudes!
In terms of soccer, Barcelona had a better week, thanks in part to some lovely goals from Lewandowski, who is emerging as a very positive presence and a leader on the squad.. Betis continues to be killing it (despite getting a red card) beating OZUNA, Real Society beat Elche (even though they BLEW a penalty), Almeria came from behind to beat Sevilla (in crisis) Espanyol lost to Madrid (benzema, but honestly it was a good game to watch, Espanyol started the game very well) and Atleti beat Valencia.
In Serie A…
Did I promise you a story about extortion? We’ve saved the best bits for last (that’s how you keep em reading, carrot & stick!), putting this under the Serie A Tab since our dear dear Paul Pogba plays for Juve now, but really it’s a beautifully international tale of a famous soccer player, his brother who is trying to extort him for €13m, and Kylian Mbappe who is somehow involved because of a witch doctor?????? And that’s just the HIGHLIGHTS. This investigation is going down in france, where authorities are investigating claims (on both sides) that Mattias Pogba (big brother to Paul) & childhood friends from his hometown offered “discreet protection” (????) while his brother was playing in Manchester. His brother posted an UNHINGED video (in multiple languages, to his credit) saying “all will be revealed”…My brother in Christ WHAT???? Then he pulled in Pogba’s French Teammate KiKi into it by claiming that Paul Pogba sought out the “services of a witch doctor” to fuck with him??? Paul just paid them 100k like fam what are you hiding?? Honestly the entire situation is BIZARRE and if I wasn’t worried for everyone’s mental health ahead of the world cup I would be cracking up. That being said, it’s a WORLD CUP YEAR gUYS can we GET IT TOGETHER PLEASE.
Ok and in the actual soccer in italy this week: A big ROMAN DERBY between Juve & Roma ended in a draw (not a surprise), but both teams played very well and, well, it’s very cozy towards the top of the table right now. Lazio beat Inter, which was a bit of a surprise, and Napoli drew 0-0 against Fiorentina, which was a surprise to me because I keep trying to hype up Napoli. Milan won as well, and then this morning it was announced that the Yankees are BUYING them, so? Expect pinstripes any day now.
Looking Ahead…
You might get a bonus soccer post this week because the everyone has randomly decided to have a bunch of midweek games (world cup wonkiness) and the transfer window officially closes at midnight Wednesday night, and then there are a full slate of games next weekend, and also American Football starts soon, and it’s a LOT GOING ON OKAY. Anyways look forward to that, look forward to Champion’s League the week after labor day, look forward to the dawn because if there are two things we can depend on it’s soccer being ridiculous and the sun rising in the morning.
