Football Season Is Upon Us: PART I

Despite attempts by the NFL to coopt our August for their preseason agenda, we have successfully resisted the magnetic pull of football season for an entire 7 months. That’s half a year without watching men give each other concussions, and, I’ll boldly say, I think we’re ALL the better for it. But like the prodigal son, football has returned (with literally nothing to show for their time away, it’s like they’ve learned NOTHING, more on that when we talk about Cleveland, very similar to the prodigal son), and we are obligated to throw a feast in his honor (read: write blog posts to update you on everything that happened in the offseason and what to expect from this year). You might be wondering WHY we feel so inclined to write about a sport that at least one of us objectively hates (Katrina) and the other watches mostly to avoid fomo (Elena, but also she has fooled herself into liking football because as a woman brainwashing is her default setting), and to that we say??? Uh??? *Consults bible to see how prodigal son dad explains this* Idk something about football coming back to life and that’s worth celebrating????

(Watch) The Breakdown

Full disclosure, I had WANTED to divide the teams up based on their mascots, because that’s more fun, and also we like mascots, and also then I could have categories like “Other Worldly Beings” (Titans, Giants, Saints) and “Big Cats” (Panthers, Jaguars, Bengals, Lions) and “Americans” (49ers, Patriots, Texans, Cowboys) but despite the hilarious possibilities it was going to be too complicated and also not a super helpful way of understanding how the NFL works, which is important because it’s confusing. So we’re going to talk about the AFC first and then the NFC, breaking down east, west, north, and south (because, much like the NYC Subway the NFL is made up of 2 former companies who used to do their own thing and then in a grab for money & power they combined to make 1 system that doesn’t work at all). To avoid overwhelming you, we’re going to break this into 2 parts. To entice you to read the whole thing, well, uh, we’re going to add some super fun secret surprises and you have to read ahead to find out what they are (it might be the prospect of eternal glory when you’re able to made educated picks in your fantasy draft and you end up winning the whole thing and everyone asks you, but HOW did you do it? How did you know to draft that player and pick that defense? And you will say, well, that’s for the girls to know and you to never find out. This is an extremely likely scenario I am sure, and also what happened in the prodigal son story no doubt no doubt)

The AFC

Yes, of course, the AMERICAN football conference. The only conference in America. What’s that? The other conference is also in America? Oh, great, awesome cool, everything makes sense and I bet our government works well too. In general, what you need to know about the AFC is that it is the Hot! Spot! For! QUARTERBACKS. Barring last year, when I guess some coaches realized there are other players you need to draft besides a QB, the No. 1 overall draft pick has been a quarterback for the last like, 7 years. And most of those dudes ended up over here. And some of the dudes picked after them also ended up over here. Basically they just really like quarterbacks here okay!

AFC EAST (Home of Most Conspiracy Theorists/Mafioso)

The Buffalo Bills- SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS, have you met my friend Josh Allen? He’s a prince among men, and he led this team almost all the way last season. This is an incredibly efficient team with a lot of talent when it comes to offense, but they had a coaching change in the last season (Their offensive coordinator is now the head coach of the giants), and their O Line needs to step up a little bit. This team LOVES to pass the ball (popular targets include but are not limited to: Stefon Diggs, James Cook, Isaiah McKinley, Devin Singletary, etc etc) but basically, no matter what happens, Josh Allen will figure something out to make the play work out. They DID just have to release their rookie punter (a week after naming him as the starter) because he’s a rapist (BREAKING: Sport built upon toxic masculinity continues to create a toxic environment), so that was some drama they’ll have to bounce back from. Head Coach Sean McDermott is actually more of a defensively inclined guy (they were ranked no.2 on such last year thanks to top picks like Ed Oliver, Greg Rousseau, Boogie Basham, and A.J. Epenesa), and added to that bounty by trading for Von Miller in the off season. They have an issue with their corner (a position, apparently), and may have to start some rookies, but I would never doubt this defense, so even if they have a rocky start expect them to find their groove late in the season. Sky is the limit baby!!!!! Bills Mafia to the MOON!

The Miami Dolphins- TUANON RISES! You might know the Dolphins as the team with one of the best mascot/color scheme combos in the game, you might know Miami as the home of Pitbull/Mr.305/Mr.Worldwide, you might know this organization as the one in hot water for the owner allegedly asking their coach (Brian Flores, one of very few coaches of color in the NFL) to tank games to improve their draft position and then unfairly firing him when he refused, but what you REALLY should know is that this is Tua Tagovailoa’s (TUNG-o-vay-lo-uh) season to shine. At least, it better be, or they fired a perfectly good coach for nothing! He’s gotten a lot of crap for how far he throws the ball (see: this self-own where he underthrows), but many think this is just a conspiracy theory to bring down a sweet Samoan icon (like they did to Manti)! The Dolphins made moves in the offseason, besides hiring new coach (Mike McDaniel, unsurprisingly: he is a white dude, surprisingly: we love this lil nerd), they traded for @cheetah aka Tyreek Hill, who will be an essential weapon on offense. They revamped their offensive line (see: Terron Armstead), brought in a backup that’s near & dear to my heart (Teddy Bridgewater) all to boost the potential for Tua to succeed. Miami is a city made for flip flops, and the people tend to follow suit: there’s a lot of preseason hype here, but they might turn on Tua.

The New England Patriots

Having grown up in the Belle Epoque for the Patriots, it’s hard to watch them now and see anything but a flop era. In the Post-Tom Brady haze, Mac Jones did have a pretty solid rookie season, when they used him, which wasn’t often: they had one of the lowest passing rates in the league. It’s likely they’ll have to adjust their strategy and rely upon him a little more this year, but unclear if he’s ready for that level of responsibility (read: passing is hard). They also switched Offensive Coordinators in the offseason (and hired the dude who got fired from the Giants…always a great strategy, what next, a coach from the Jets?), and lost a lot of key components. It’s…a rebuilding year! As for their defense, well, we all know that despite being an asshole and having no idea how a sweatshirt works, Bill Belichick is a bit of a coaching genius, but even I have come to question some of his offseason decisions. He let a key corner walk in free agency, and the ceiling they hit last year was so high that it’s hard to imagine this defense doing anything but drop off.

The New York Jets

If there’s something Patriot fans can use to keep themselves warm at night, it’s blanket of mediocrity that is the New York Jets. While they may have America’s Second Favorite MILF-Lover Zach Wilson back in time for the regular season (he suffered a knee injury in their first pre-season game and had surgery, but shouldn’t miss a ton of time, despite the fact that he is apparently made of glass), he’s not a massive game changer- they played better without him last year. Which is not great in a league run by excellent QBs! Jets fans will be hopeful that the JV Version of Matt LaFleur (the Packers coach, who is btw v hot)- Mike LaFleur (his younger brother- Challenge for any team to hire a coach who isn’t related to another coach in football, impossible edition) will improve their Offense as a new coordinator. They have a solid O Line, and their injury luck can’t be WORSE than it was last year (unless that’s a jinx). They signed a bunch of pass rushers and will look to turnover the ball less this year (genius strategy), but, I mean, it’s the JETS. Unfortunately this will not be the last you hear about them, since they are one of 2 teams we get on TV bc of regional coverage rules (oh did you think we were going to pay for the NFL package? smh ya girl would never)

AFC WEST (Home of Every Quarterback)

The Denver Broncos

New quarterback, who dis? It’s Ciara’s husband, Russell Wilson, who, after a couple years of bitching finally ditched a Seattle program he’d clearly outgrown and headed for greener pastures. Joke is on him he did move to a notably dry environment, so we’re not sure how green these pastures really are, but new is always better, right? Wilson is a good leader and has chosen to really Commit to the Bit with the Broncos, receivers Courtland Sutton & Jerry Jeudy (any relation to Doug Judy or Trudy Judy??) are solid options and they’ve had a good run game in the past. I’m not someone who thinks watching football is exciting, but watching this offense might be exciting (probably not though best to keep expectations low). Also, they’ve got a new coach (Nathanial Hackett, which is a puritan ass name, what’s he gunna do? Coach a football team or write a cautionary tale about how guilt, sin, and evil are the inherent traits of humanity?) They’ve got a new Defensive Coordinator too, which is more of a loss, but they didn’t rank super well on that front last year so I guess only way to go is up! Especially with pass-rushers Bradley Chubb & Randy Gregory (incredibly defensive sounding names), and other talent, they just- and this will be a theme- have to stay healthy. In off the field news, fan fav LEWIS HAMILTON yes THAT Lewis Hamilton just became part of the owners’ group? Weird flex for a brit but hey, I’m down.

The Kansas City Chiefs

I think winning the Super Bowl was actually BAD for the Chiefs, because they now have so many haters. I guess haters can be your motivators, and I get that Brittany Matthews is annoying as hell (Wait side bar: in my research aka going on instagram, it was revealed to me they have 2 dogs named Steel and Silver….and their daughter’s name is Sterling…I take it all back we need to bully this woman more), but for some reason people are obsessed with saying the Chiefs have fallen off. Y’all, you’re not gunna get a super bowl win every year!!!! Did they have a hard time the past few years? Uh, duh, who among us has not? Did they trade Tyreek Hill? Yeah, and maybe that wasn’t a GENIUS idea, but HAVE YOU MET PATRICK MAHOMES?!!?!?!? You won’t catch me betting against him, or Andy Reid, or this really good offensive line. They also have Tight End University graduate Travis Kelce, Marquez Valdes-Scantling and Mecole Hardman to make up some of the speed they lost with Tyreek, and Juju Smith-Schuster, who tbh I just like the vibes of. This offense might take a minute to get moving, but they’re good & they’re hungry. The DEFENSE on the other hand…that’s where we might have some issues. They lost a lot of their better players (and tbh they weren’t amazing to begin with), and made some smart draft decisions yes, but we can’t hang our hopes on rookies. It’s…not it.

The Los Angeles Chargers

For reference, this is NOT the Los Angeles Team that just won the Super Bowl- despite having the same stadium, colors, and hometown, they’re completely different!!!! (these words are me explaining to people how Katrina and I are absolutely not twins). Everyone LOVES the Chargers, and as you might remember from last year, I personally don’t get it! Justin Hebert is a great quarterback (I guess): people are truly obsessed with him, he’s like a top fantasy pick, etc, idk to me he looks like a rough sketch of someone in Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The article I read to research this post called him a “transcendent talent” and claims he could make an MVP run (better than Aaron Rodgers, I suppose). They’ve retained a lot of their talent on offense (Keenan Allen, Mike Williams and running back Austin Ekeler all solid examples), drafted Zion Johnson, are maybe lacking a little speed but, this offense WORKED last year so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. What was kinda busted: their defense, and they made moves to correct it (wild concept)- adding defender Khalil Mack, corner J.C. Jackson, defensive tackles Sebastian Joseph-Day and Austin Johnson, linebacker Kyle Van Noy, and slot corner Bryce Callahan. They are…one could say…GOING FOR IT. Classic sibling rivalry here, definitely trying to out do their stadium-mates!

The Las Vegas Raiders

Viva las vegas, who had so much internal turmoil last season it’s a miracle they made it out alive. We still don’t LOVE the vibes of this team (I am once again asking why Derek Carr refuses to admit he’s wearing eyeliner!) but they’re better than some people (see: Cleveland, Dallas, Washington), and their culture is improving (although they traded away the only openly gay player in the NFL Carl Nassib, so now they have to beat the homophobia allegations that I will be accusing them of all season). In terms of the football: Derek Carr is a good QB, but he’s rarely led a TOP TOP offense, even though he has some serious assets in Davante Adams (he’s new), Darren Waller and Hunter Renfrow. That’s a lot of good fantasy action there, for the record. Their O Line is a BIG question mark right now, so that’s definitely something to keep an eye on as they navigate the toughest division (in my opinion) in the AFC with a brand spanking new OC. AND a new DC. Their defense still has multiple question marks including uncertainty with their secondary, so the key will be an ability to adapt to keep their heads above water (although that’s not really an appropriate metaphor considering they play in the desert).

AFC NORTH (The Only Division with Legitimate Regional Rivalries)

The Baltimore Ravens

Last year, the Ravens got bit with the injury bug- they couldn’t go a week without losing their most important player to some season ending injury. The fact that they still had a decent season is a credit to John Harbaugh, some serious scheming, and famously underrated Lamar Jackson, who finally got his bag this off season. They struggle against man coverage & the blitz (ironic because their defense is really good at doing the blitz), but Jackson’s running game and improved passing percentage make this a strong offense, just an inconsistent one. They have a lot of unreliability when it comes to the wide receiver position, and in an era of insanely built up super teams, they will have to bust their asses to be as good as they should be. All that combined with the smart moves they made to bolster their defense (Marcus Williams, nose tackle- a position I just now found out about I assume involves punching people in the nose?-Michael Pierce, Calais Campbell, Justin Houston, etc) in the offseason (including getting a new Defensive Coordinator), if they can stay healthy they have what we like to call a HIGH CEILING.

The Cleveland Browns

Have you guys ever made a bad decision? Have you ever TRIPLED DOWN ON A BAD DECISION? Hi, it’s the Cleveland Browns, who spent a bajillion dollars on Famous Sexual Predator and I Guess Also A Quarterback Deshawn Watson. I cannot say this loud enough: Fuck everyone involved here. After an internal investigation into his shitty ass conduct with MANY WOMEN, Watson will be suspended for the first 11 games of the season (upgraded from 6 thanks to an appeal by the NFL, but don’t worry, the way this big money contract is structured, Watson won’t lose much money and has yet to admit to any wrongdoing so, cool! great! awesome! Why don’t more women come forward?!?!!?!!), returning just in time to face off against his old team the Texans. I’m going to be honest with you guys, I did zero research on this team, because I don’t care who else plays for them, I will be rooting against them in every single game and I hope they never win. Cleveland, I have defended you for YEARS and this is how you repay me? (see video, and if you dare say we featured that video before, yes, we will not be missing an opportunity to reminisce). If you’re a browns fan: Hello, welcome, please read the rest of this blog and pick a new team.

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The big question: Who are the Pittsburgh Steelers without Big Ben? I, for one, am excited to find out (considering he sucked last year and decided to bring the team down with him!). Mitch Trubisky (imagine carrying a child for nine entire months and choosing to name him…Mitch) is expected to be the new QB 1 and performed pretty well through the preseason. They have talent on their offense- Najee Harris, Chase Claypool, Diontae Johnson, so that’s worth something! The strategy: try not to mess up, and you might stay middle of the road good. They have not 1 but TWO Watt Brothers (my favorite family in football personally), including TJ who led the league in sacks & QB hits, AND Cam Heyward, who I’ll say is an honorary Watt for me. They also have a strong coaching staff (including Brian Flores, who you might remember from the Dolphins discussion above), which is more important that people give credit for. Am I expecting to be wowed? Honey I expect nothing from a team that chose black and yellow as their colors, but I wish them luck light and love!

The Cincinnati Bengals

The only Ohio Team I will be recognizing from here on out! Who Dey as the kids say!!!! After bucking expectations and making it all the way to the big game last year, Joe Burreaux (who btw is a pro choice king) & Co. have shed their underdog mantle and are legit enough to make serious teams shake in their boots. Some people are worried they’re bound for an injury plagued season after having good luck last year, but to that I say: did y’all miss the time Joe got absolutely yeeted like, 6 games into his rookie season? They’ve served their injury time! Look to their offense to see more passing: that’s what they started doing halfway through last season and turns out it works because they have a great quarterback who has a great target (Jamarr Chase). They also have Joe Mixon(it’s like someone made a portmanteau of the Mason-Dixon line, the Mixon!), for when they don’t want to pass, but that’s a road more traveled so defenses will be expecting it. They didn’t do a ton in the offseason, but have been steadily improving their O Line (after the Joe Burrow injury mentioned above) and as long as they can continue to improve on the whole letting-your-QB-get-sacked-a-fuck-ton (ie the main point of the O line but I digress), they’re good to go. Their defense is EXCELLENT at man coverage and very adaptable, they’ve kept a lot of the same players and they’re coached well. All the more reason for this to be Ohio’s Team!

AFC SOUTH

The Houston Texans

I’m not PRO there being multiple teams in a single state, but something that just occurred to me is that it’s wild that TEXAS (very big, if you haven’t heard) has 2 teams and Florida has 3. I am once again asking for a relegation system I BEG OF YOU. Before my research, what I knew about the Houston Texans was this: 1) one time they stayed at the Meridian hotel in New Orleans before a Saints game and I saw them all there 2) D*****n W****n was desperate to get out of there and in trading him they lost their best player and 3) their ownership situation is a hot freaking mess. Don’t worry though I did more research, I’m just setting the scene! I think they’re really a team of mights and coulds at this point- their quarterback Davis Mills wasn’t horrible and Brandin Cooks might just cook and their offense could be slightly more organized this year. Their defense wasn’t the worst in the league! And that’s about all I got for you. Listen- in a league of 32 goddamn teams, they can’t ALL be interesting.

The Indianapolis Colts

JONATHAN TAYLOR. That’s it that’s all from me!!!!!

(gus gus)

Ok FINE I will elaborate: Jonathan Taylor is single handedly responsible for most of Katrina’s success in fantasy last season, and I’d say the same for the Colts. He is an ELITE runner and a total gamechanger for an offense that is like, otherwise fine. There is some potential for other talent on the offense- Michael Pittman Jr, Alec Pierce, Parris Campbell, but they also have some BIG gaps (see: the left tackle debacle, in which two mediocre payers are competing for the starting position. I guess that’s not REALLY a debacle, but I just wanted to but debacle next to tackle). They snagged Vegas’ DC Gus Bradley (Gus Gus!) and he is a ZONE GUY who does NOT like to Blitz. They have a good line, but some spots are iffy and it’s unlikely they’ll force as many turnovers as they did last year.

The Jacksonville Jaguars

A team that is apparently ranked higher than the Saints on Offense? Cool for me! Probably because of the fact they drafted that little known indie quarterback Trevor Lawrence(I, Katrina, do follow his wife on Instagram, so expect updates on that front), but, despite everything we’ve learned so far, you actually need more than a quarterback to be a good team! So that’s what they learned LAST year, and this year, they put a few more pieces of the puzzle together to prepare for the season: went on a free agency spending spree to improve their defense (see: defensive lineman Travon Walker, drafted no. 1 overall, linebacker Devin Lloyd, and linebacker Chad Muma), got rid of their super awful coach (Urban Meyer), and got a couple new additions to the offense that could allow Trevor Lawrence to look somewhat competent. If they make it through the season without their coach having an affair in bumfuck Ohio, I’d call it a success.

The Tennessee Titans

Last, but maybe not least! Ok well, besides Derrick Henry, yes maybe least. The plan for them should be to give the ball to Derrick Henry as often as possible, not because Ryan Tannehill is that bad of a quarterback, but just because they’ve got very little else to offer. One thing they do have is CORNERBACKS, a lot of them, thanks to that being their only draft strategy I guess. The defense? Fiesty. The offense? Is happy to be here.

PART TWO TO FOLLOW