MY CAUSE MY CLEATS: NFL Wk 13
IT’S HERE THE GREATEST WEEK IN THE NFL FOLKS: MY CAUSE MY CLEATS. Yes, that’s right, that is GENUINE ENTHUSIASM ABOUT FOOTBALL. If you missed this celebration last year, let me break it down for you: In girl football world, Halloween My Cause My Cleats is the one night of the year where girls NFL Players can dress like a total slut wear the cleats they want and no other girls referees can say anything about it. As you know we are typically pretty passionate about the outfits (dress well play well), and these cleats are WORKS OF ART. Also it’s a friendly reminder (as if we needed one, but other bros might) that these athletes are human beings! with families! who do charity work! Wow! Of course the caveat is that they have to play football while wearing the cleats (unless you’re Bill Belichick, in which case you coach), and that means we sat through some ball games. I am riding solo this week as Katrina is away on assignment, so in her absence let’s get down to business:
Games We Did Not Watch
Colts 31 Texans 0: Houston is the first team to OFFICIALLY be out of the playoff race, according to an ESPN alert I got after this game. My question: Does that mean Detroit’s still got a chance?
Lions 29 Vikings 27: Buried the lede on this one by not making it the title of the post but BREAKING NEWS THE LIONS HAVE FINALLY WON A FOOTBALL GAME!!!!!!!!!!! It only took 13 weeks! (If their losing streak was a fetus, it would be the size of a lemon, FYI). In true Lions fashion, this win comes out of a game they were running away with, then they let the Vikings make a comeback, and had to scramble in the end to get the W BUT THEY GOT IT BABY. Next stop: The Superbowl, probably.
Dolphins 20 Giants 9: Miami is rollllllllllling right now, Tua has really hit his stride.
Bucs 30 Falcons 17: Blah blah blah tom brady blah blah blah Gronk blah blah blah bucs win another superbowl
Cardinals 33 Bears 22: So the Cardinals are good, fyi. I mean they’ve been good, but TBD on how that’ll playout in the playoffs. I feel like they’re kinda sleeper despite how good they are because I never hear anyone talk about them? But also they’re on the west coast? Idk maybe this country is too big.
Chargers 41 Bengals 22: In this week’s episode of There Are No Good Teams, Cincy absolutely bottled this one. They did make a bit of a comeback, despite Joe Burreaux’s pinky finger looking…pretty wonky thanks to a hit, but it wasn’t enough.
Rams 37 Jaguars 7: Trevor Lawrence is doing his best okay guys? And the Rams are doing THEIR best to make you forget about the midseason slip ups.
Washington 17 Raiders 15: No heroes in this game, as both franchises have made headlines for their toxic work environments (Weird that not a single player in this game chose their cause to be FOR WOMEN, but WHATEVER), but happy to see Washington get a win.
Seahawks 30 49ers 23: Shakin my head at Giuseppe Stromboli Max Rose Garropolo after this one- the 49ers have been a lot better recently up until this game. Seattle keeps playoff hopes alive thanks to this win- that’s right, this team that has lost 8 of its 12 games could still advance to the playoffs.
Chiefs 22 Broncos 9: Defensive troubles WHO? Idk her, said Andy Reid, probably. Despite Patrick Mahomes throwing an interception (as is typical nowadays), Chiefs stomped over Denver to get the W. For once a pundit had wise words, re: the Chiefs turnover troubles: “They're trying so hard to hit the home run and not take the singles and doubles”
Games We Did Watch
Cowboys 27 Saints 17
Despite what it looks like, the Saints did hang in there for most of the game. Our defense, which is NEVER OUR PROBLEM (well, not this year anyway), did a great job holding Dak up for most of the first half. The LARGER Problem, as always, was he offense. Even with the Sweet Mormon Prince Taysom Hill at the helm as starting QB, we were not great. In fact, we were bad. How bad you ask? 4 Interceptions bad. We have a 21% chance of making the playoffs now, according to the NYT Simulator. If we win all our games we’d be in, if we lose to the bucs (likely) in two weeks we still have a 60% chance (Those are odds I will TAKE baby). I will not be happy if the Falcons get in over us. Anyways a few other interesting things happened in the actual game (although my boyfriend would argue otherwise, shout out to him for being a trooper and sitting through three hours of me yelling at a TV in a bar)- a man named Lil’Jordan scored a touchdown for the Saints, Taysom played through a hand injury (similar to that of Russell Wilson’s earlier this year) and CeeDee Lamb was everything I feared him to be.
Eagles 33 Jets 18
Useless Fact of the Week: The Eagles played two away games in the same stadium in two straight weeks. They’re the first team to do so in (insert interesting number of years here, idk I wasn’t listening THAT closely when they reported this during the broadcast), and judging by the score, MetLife sure felt like a home crowd this past weekend. I still don’t know how much of a brag it is to dunk on the Jets (why take from those who have so little???) but the Saints do play them next week and I don’t want to be caught contradicting myself so I will boldly state that it’s okay to kick them while they’re down. The Jets actually had a lead in the beginning of this game, which they abruptly threw away by the second quarter. Philly was missing my man Jalen Hurts, so in at QB they had Gardner Minshew, a man with an absolutely made up name but there was this really cute moment with his dad after the game so, we stan him. He was having a pretty great day for a backup QB, as was Star RB Miles Sanders (well, before his ankle got fucked up, but what can we say, that’s life!), so now they head into a bye week feeling pretty good. New York did not have as good of a day, Zach Wilson threw an interception and also he wore a stupid headband that I did not support. Also, something I completely forgot about, the Jets were on the STRUGGLE BUS with their kicker. I don’t want to get into it TOO MUCH because it was the dude’s NFL debut (and thinking about it makes me want to cry) but he missed two straight extra points (the first player to do so in a debut, not the kinda history you want to make) after which Robert Saleh (Jets coach, noted bald man, controversially considered a hottie by two sisters on this blog) decided to forgo kicking and just go for extra points. That IS when the Jets started to lose, in case you were wondering.
Steelers 20 Ravens 19
When I was googling this game to verify stats a youtube recap popped up titled WILD ENDING!!!! and while I must admit that I did not CATCH the end of this game I (*please read on in a Carrie Bradshaw voice) cannot help but wonder, in a game where nothing interesting happens, how wild can any ending be? Maybe the wildest endings are the ones we didn’t dare to dream of all along, or maybe, just maybe, they’re the one’s that have been right in front of us the whole time. I am, of course, referring to the fact that the obvious star of the game was a Watt Brother (TJ this time, but it doesn’t really matter because they’re interchangeable), who made Lamar Jackson’s life miserable. LJ threw an interception, but the real issue was he was getting sacked NON STOP all night- like, 7 times fam. Typically when there is a list of the top rushing yards for the team, no one on that top list is going to have a negative yardage. But here they do! After a slow start (hate to turn on a game and then have no one score until the SECOND QUARTER), the Ravens led for most of the game, looking comfortable. This is kinda a big deal because spoiler alert- these homies are in the same division and that MATTERS. Then in the fourth quarter the Steelers scored 17 points- including one touchdown where Diontae Johnson was just chillin, unguarded, ready to receive a pass, at like the 5yd line. No joke the dude skipped into the endzone. AND THE RAVENS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT DEFENSE. Personally, the highlight of this game for me was when they showed the Ravens Coach, Kohn Harbaugh, and Katrina said “That guy looks like the Michigan Coach”. Perhaps the hottest take yet that John Harbaugh looks like…Jim Harbaugh. Here we are, two sisters , giving you the highest brow commentary we can on two brothers. In a way, that’s beautiful
Patriots 14 Bills 10
As you can tell by the score, this was a high scoring THRILLER OF A MATCH! Jk, it was miserable to watch and, thanks to the weather conditions, I’m sure it was miserable to play. Up in Buffalo there was a sprinkling of snow and a HECK TON of wind, making this game verrrry hard on the passers and the kickers. The Wind was a winner in this game, blowing away 2 potential Bills Field Goals, but it’s hard to blame it all on the weather. The Pats ran the ball on pretty much every single play, and for some reason the Bills just kept being like “damn this is wild what could they POSSIBLY do next we have no way to know!!!!!! Despite the measly score, we can’t even blame the Buffalo offense, because they had several very impressive drives down the field. Did they blow it in the red zone at least twice by getting penalized? Yes. But tbh, it was Bill Belichick’s world last night and we were just living in it. Beforehand this was made out to be THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON and that’s a bit of hyperbole (I mean one could argue the Super Bowl would be the most important game of the season, but what do I know), but it was super important for the PLAYOFF PICTURE. These two teams are neck in neck for the top spot in the AFC (a conference where everyone has shit the bed at least once, and these two teams just happened to get potty trained at the right time), and after last night, (cringing that I have to admit this) the Patriots are on top.
Big Takeaways: The Playoff Picture
We keep promising you a playoff breakdown and don’t worry we WILL DELIVER but until then, here’s what you need to know: The Packers, The Cardinals, The Bucs, and the Cowboys are pretty much locks for the NFC. Over in the AFC, the Titans and the Patriots are solid, the Ravens and the Chiefs are preeeeeeeetty much in. There’s other teams that will probably get in (i.e. The Rams and the Bills) but I am not here to make wagers, so I will stick with the top seeds for now. Now lets SHUT UP about football and discuss the top shoes!!!!!!! Please see a slideshow of our favorites below, and make sure to check out this site or this instagram for more highlights.
