Balls of GOLD
The poster of my new favorite Hallmark Movie.
Soccer STILL EXISTS dear readers, which I know is hard to believe because it feels like a million years since we talked about it. We’ve got a little bit of UCL to recap from last week (when we skipped our post, in our defense we were COOKING) and a lot to talk about everywhere else, mostly the fact that it seemed to snow EVERYWHERE in Europe this past weekend. Soccer in the snow!!!!!!!! Part 2!
If you’re wondering what the Balls of Gold title is all about: Messi was awarded the Ballon D’Or for a record seventh time on Monday, beating out Robert Lewandowski (a goal scoring machine, in case you forgot). None of the other awards really matter, but in case you care: Lewandowski got top striker, Chelsea won Team of the year (??? seems like kinda redundant but ok), and Gigi Donnarumma won the golden gloves (best keeper, basically). And Mbappé met Tom Holland, which seemed like a personal victory for him.
In the Champions League…
Thought we could get away with skipping this one but…alas, I guess we’ll talk about it. Unsurprisingly, PSG lost to Man City. In what has become a TYPICAL performance, PSG did very little, relied far too much on our prince Kiki Mbappe, and were a mess at the back. This isn’t the end of the world as they’re still second in the group, and SHOULD advance, but they’re likely to get screwed over by a draw in the round of sixteen and they’re just not currently in the form to deal with that. Elsewhere: Chelsea thrashed Juventus. Man United beat Villareal. Inter & Milan both won, as did Liverpool and Real Madrid.
In The Premier League…
Liverpool absolutely DESTROYED the dreams of Southhampton (who deserved it, IMHO, for wearing Ikea ass uniforms), beating them 4-0. It is FUN to watch a team that has fun folks! Arsenal also won on Saturday 2-0 over Newcastle (currently in last place btw). The game featured some incredible saves by both goal keepers and one verrrry dirty goal by Martinelli:
Tottenham’s game at Burnley was delayed thanks to…you guessed it SNEAUX! Chelsea was unable to beat Man United (who, btw are awaiting the arrival of their hot new german coach that they snagged from a russian team, he’s currently having VISA TROUBLE which I am guessing wouldn’t have happened if there wasn’t Brexit but, fools be fooling as they say), but they still sit atop the table. I hate to say it so soon, but we are going to have a tight title race on our hands folks, and an even tighter race for the fourth place spot in the Champion’s League.
In Ligue 1…
Speaking of SNEAUX, PSG visited a sneauxy St. Etienne on Friday and Messi made headlines with THREE ASSISTS. Personally I don’t get super excited about assists, but to each their own. This game was actually interesting for a little bit, ASSE scored early and was challenging PSG for most of the first half until they got a red card that reeeeeaalllyyy took the wind out of their sails. After that it was all downhill. It’s a little bit of a miracle that PSG has managed to keep winning so many games considering they’re playing like ass (not referring to the team there), but I guess that says more about the league than the team. In other not shocking news, Neymar has an injury and may be out for months. That boy bruises like a PEACH I swear to god. Is it a coincidence that he is injured right in time for the holidays… and won’t be back before Carnival…Idk fam I’m just saying.
There may not be a title race this year, but competing for top three will be competitive. Lens has had a helluva year so far despite having one of the smallest budgets in the league, they’re currently sitting in fifth place. Rennes is having a go at it as well, punching very far above their weight, and the team has a lot of potential as players continue to return from injury. Their star has been Gaetan Laborde, who’s got 14 goals so far this season.
In La Liga…
Atletico Madrid got a much needed 4-1 win. Not that they haven’t been winning or anything, but the team morale has seemed a little low. Unlike at Real Madrid, where morale is at an all time high and they’re on a winning streak and they’re flying so close to the sun no one can touch them so DON’T EVEN TRY. The goals! They come from everywhere! Karim Benzema (who btw was found guilty recently) has been their top player all season, but TBD on if he’ll still be around after the transfer window, because he is heavillyyyyyy flirting with Man City at the moment. Back to Real Madrid: They’ve replaced our darlings Real Society at the top of the table (four points ahead, but only 2 points separate second and fifth place at the moment, so it’s crowded up there). Barcelona also needed a win, and managed to get one while looking reeeeaaaaaallly cute in their lilac unis ( why lilac? don’t ask dahling it’s fabulous!) Memphis Depay #beatoutthehaters and trusted the process and scored! a! goal! Love that for him, a complicated man who has 1) a lip tattoo that reads successful in dutch and also 2) a christ the redeemer tattoo, but tbh who DOESN’T and also 3) a semi successful dutch/english musical career and finally 4) really struggled to find his footing outside of La Liga’s play this season (came all the way back around to this being about sports!) He also used to date Steve Harvey’s daughter (the one now dating Michael B Jordan). That’s all I got ok I am done.
In Serie A…
Lazio got their asses kicked. Their 35 year old goalkeeper basically was like mmm if y’all aren’t gunna try, nor will I, and conceded 3 goals in the first half. That’s tough to come back from, but they came back in from the break and said: Actually, we’re not really gunna try at all, and let Napoli have the ball what felt like 99% of the time. Napoli definitely needed this win after a Europa league loss, but it was for sure hard to watch on Lazio’s part. It was a quiet weekend for Serie A in terms of goals, but the goals they did have were picante picante picante. Sassuolo continued to be a problem for top teams, beating Milan 3-1 and serving them a red card in the process. Atalanta beat Juve, which we obviously support. They’re on a 4 game winning streak and sitting pretty in 4th place riiiiiiight behind inter.
Everywhere else…
MLS Playoffs are HEATING UP for those of you who care to watch a bunch of old dudes on shitty pitches. The Portland Timbers, a pretty consistently good team, have moved onto their conference finals and will face Real Salt Lake (which is an EXCELLENT soccer club name because the salt lake is in fact, real!). Philly will face off against the winner of a matchup between the New England Revs (whose name is great not because it nods to the American revolutionary war but because it is clearly a reference to the failed connecticut tourism slogan, we also like them because half their team is Gtown alumni) & NYCFC. Shoutout to the MLS for having conferences that ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE GEOGRAPHICALLY. And in other American Soccer news, the ladies of Washington Spirit beat the Chicago Red Stars to win the team’s first ever title.
Looking Ahead:
LOTS of footie coming up folks! UCL crunch time next week- the last day of Group Stages that will be MAKE OR BREAK for a lot of teams. Also, Boxing Day aka the day after Christmas is a BIG day in the Premier League (i.e. they have games bc I guess Christmas doesn’t exist for footballers) so mark! your! Calendars!!!
