NFL Season Preview PART II: Great Expectations
Ok but crop me and Katrina in
Our last NFL post taught you How To Survive The NFL If the NFL was Your High School and You Were The New Kid (guidebook title needs work, we know). This time, we’re taking you to english class, specifically to required summer reading Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations (jk, never read it, I may have been an english major but I am not a Dickens girl! Sorry not sorry!). We’re going to break down what to expect from the season, from COVID protocols, Vax Drama, some stars to know (At fear of being accused of being “too general” in our other preview, and tbh we were looking for an excuse to mention Alvin Kamara), and…maybe even…some…predictions?!!?!?! Something we’re famously bad at, but what can we say, we have fun here and we try new things!!!!
Love in the Time of Cholera COVID-19
Remember last season when every week we were like, lol, is football going to happen today? Remember when the Titans had a mini outbreak? Or when (now free agent) Cam Newton got COVID? Or when Lamar Jackson got COVID? That last one’s a trick question- Lamar’s had COVID twice!!!!! (Tell me you didn’t get the vaccine without telling me you didn’t get the vaccine).
Things will be different this year (something we’ve all told ourselves on the first day of school, I am sure), and not just because there was a preseason. The NFL has made what is essentially a hostile work environment for anti vaxxers and, in this blog, we support that! Get the dang vax!!!!!!!! Though the vax is “not” “required” to play in the NFL or work for the NFL/any teams, they have said essentially if u get the ‘rona, that’s your problem bud!
EXCITING NEWS
There will be another spongebob game. Life is STILL WORTH LIVING. TBD on whether there will be a Muppet Night football, aka the greatest night in football history, but for now Spongebob is enough to keep us going
People to Know, By Division (because there are too many teams to do this one by one)
AFC East:
The Dolphins are home to Tua Tagovailoa, Jaylen Waddle, Will Fuller, and DeVante Parker. We are trying to help Tua succeed, that’s the agenda here! The Jets ditched Sam Darnold and coach Adam Gase, replacing them with Zach Wilson and Robert Saleh. They also signed Corey Davids and Alijah Vera Tucker, rounding out a still mediocre but not as bad squad. The Bills have kept a lot of their golden boys to help out our sweet boy at QB Josh Allen, including Cole Beasley, Stefon Diggs, and Devin Singletary. They added Emmanuel Saunders and are hoping for less injuries. We all are guys! The Patriots have Mac Jones as starting QB, and are poised to be better than they’ve been the past few years thanks to a WILD spending spree by Belichick. The Haul: Nelson Agholor, Hunter Henry, Jonnu Smith, Kendrick Bourne, Matt Judon,. Kyle Van Noy, Jalen Mills, and Davon Godchaux. Ah, to be old and rich.
AFC West:
The Chiefs come off their super bowl loss knowing that they have good offensive weapons (Travis Kelce, Patrick Mahomes, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Tyreek Hill, etc etc) but needing to remake their offensive line. To do that, they’ve added Orlando Brown Jr, Joe Thuney, and Creed Humphrey. The Broncos, led by QBs Teddy Bridgewater and Drew Lock (hoping to avoid a repeat of last season where they had no quarterbacks lol) need to work on their passing game this year (they were ranked 31st). They’ve got people to pass to in Jerry Jeudy and Courtland Sutton. The Chargers, often considered a good team until they are cursed with a string of bad luck, are still trying to build around Justin Hebert, with Keenan Allen, Joey Bosa, and Derwin James and NEW COACH Brandon Staley. Coach John Gruden has built an efficient offense on the Raiders with QB Derek Carr, Henry Ruggs III, and Hunter Renfrow. Also LEST WE FORGET openly gay Carl Nassib.
AFC North:
Hot take: This is my favorite division. I mean I don’t think any of these teams are show stoppers, but all the teams are close enough to each other (geographically & in vibe) that there are some gnarly rivalries and head butting personalities. The Steelers, led by accused rapist Ben Roethelisberger (not letting it go), will look to have things happen a little smoother on the attack with new coordinator Matt Canada and stars Chase Claypool, Juju Smith-Schuster, Najee Harris, and Diontae Johnson. Their defense is notable (read: Scary), especially. Bengals have Joe Burreaux, and his good pal/former LSU teammate Ja’Marr Chase, and have added on to their defense to protect him with Chidobe Awuzie (Great name) and Trey Hendrickson. On offense, look for. The Browns are a BIG personality team, with QB Baker Mayfield, OBJ, Kareem Hunt, Nick Chubb, Jarvis Landry, and defenders Jadeveon Clowney & Myles Garett. Of course the Ravens are well known for Lamar Jackson’s wheels and their top ranked (blitz heavy) defense, but also look for J.K Dobbins, Gus Edwards, and Rashod Bateman.
AFC South:
Texans franchise QB Deshaun Watson is busy dealing with a bunch of sexual assault allegations & looking for a new team, so in his place we have Tyrod Taylor taking the reigns for a bit. He’s a solid rushing QB, and when he gets tired of carrying the ball, he can have RB Mark Ingram Jr. try it out instead. The Colts stole Carson Wentz and are crossing their fingers that he vibes with Michael Pittman Jr, Johnathan Taylor, and TY Hilton. The Titans still have Ryan Tannehill at QB, Derrick Henry with the wheels, and AJ Brown but you should also keep an eye on Julio Jones, who they snagged from the Falcons this offseason. And of course, the Jaguars got Trevor Lawrence with the overall number one pick. New Coach Urban Meyer released Tim Tebow but kept DJ Chark & Carlos Hyde.
NFC East:
The worst division!!!! The Farmer’s league of the NFL! The Giants said goodbye to Eli and are now stuck with Daniel Jones, but luckily Saquon Barkley is back & they’ve got Sterling Shepherd, Kadarius Toney, & Kenny Golladay as well. The Cowboys have Dak Prescott back in the driver’s seat (tg he finally got PAID baby), as well as Ezekiel Elliot, CeeDee Lamb, Amari Cooper, and Michael Gallup…it’s a stacked offense folks! The Washington Football Team have Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB (when he’s not injured) and Taylor Heinecke (when he is) as well as Chase Young on defense. The Eagles have committed to Jalen Hurts (as you learned in our previous post), still have Julie’s hubby Zach Ertz, and also added Devonta Smith.
NFC West:
The Rams switched it up and snagged QB Mathew Stafford (thanks to some deal making in Cabo?), he’ll work with JJ Koski & Jake Funk (great name). The 49ers have kept QB Giuseppe Garoppolo around, but also have rookie QB Trey Lance, and are hoping to avoid injuries this year on their O Line among stars like George Kittle, Jalen Hurd & Raheem Mostert. The Cardinals have continued to stack up a squad that already included Kyler Murray & DeAndre Hopkins, adding JJ Watt & AJ Green. The Seahawks will hope that Russell Wilson can cook, that D.K. Metcalf can run, and that Tyler Lockett & Chris Carson keep up the good work.
NFC North:
I said a brrr it’s COLD in here! There must be some Packers in the atmosphere! In case you missed it: They’ve still got Aaron Rodgers, who will look to pair with Aaron Jones & Davante Adams. The Bears have baby QB Justin Fields, but when it’s his naptime they’ve also got Andy Dalton. The Vikings are led by Kirk Cousins, whose offensive weapons include Justin Jefferson, Adam Thielen (when he’s healthy), & Dalvin Cook. Last & certainly least the Lions are hoping new coach Dan Campbell and former Rams QB Jared Goff can put something together with D’Andre Swift (GREAT name for a running back) and Tyrell Williams.
NFC South:
Home of the Saints (Alvin Kamara, Michael Thomas, jackknife Taysom Hill and Lasik-surgery assisted QB Jameis Winston) and Super Bowl Winning Buccaneers (Tom Brady, Antonio Brown, Gronk, Leonard Fournette, old man coach Bruce Arians). Also, the Falcons (they suck, but FYI their QB is Matt Ryan and we love their kicker Younghoe Koo) and the Panthers (QB Sam Darnold formerly of the Jets, not to be confused with tight end Dan Arnold, and also Christian McCaffrey).
Predictions
Katrina: “Tom Brady is gunna be Tom Brady”- aka he’s still going to be really good, he’s never gunna retire, stop asking. Also, “Cam Newton is going to find a new home and it’s going to shock us all- that I saw in my astrology. Well, there probably will be some breakthrough infections that they make a big deal out of but GET THE FACTS AND GET YOUR VAXX.”
Elena: “A lot of the good teams will still be good, but not as good, aka the Steelers and the Bills. Ravens will miss playoffs. Saints will make the playoffs as a wildcard. And uh, someone else will come out as gay. We hope”
