Every Clique from your High School: NFL 2021 Season Preview Part I
Horrible news ladies: Football season is right around the corner. The days of quiet Sundays outside at the park are gone, and my ongoing misery of being a Saints fan in the post-Brees era is…just beginning. Our football coverage might look a little different this different (read: Katrina doesn’t want to watch as much football, also, we live together now in a CONTENT HOUSE so it’s hard for us to cover multiple games that happen at once), but we will still be here to guide you, do not fret! First things first, we gotta meet the teams so you can choose a bandwagon to jump on, and/or you can meet the freshman class! Did I come up with this elaborate social structure in order to avoid doing actual pre season reaseach? Maybe! Did I end up having to do said research anyway? Unfortunately yes! The things I do for y’all smh. Let the hazing begin!
The Cool Kids
You know them. You love them. You hate to admit it, but, you admire them. They’ve got it all going for them and you know what? That’s great. We’re not jealous at all. This clique includes: Reigning Super Bowl Champions Tampa Bay Buccaneers (who have gone with the “it worked last year so we’re sticking with these dudes” strat), the Kansas City Chiefs (who, despite being beautiful and talented and having everything you ever wanted, you can’t be jealous of them because they’re also super nice and cool. We stan), the Green Bay Packers (aka, mostly Aaron Rodgers, who did the NFL equivalent of playing hooky for a week and coming back with a bunch of legendary stories, but none of the teachers aka his coaches were mad because he’s that charming!) and the Tennessee Titans (who some may argue are a Prom King contender this year. They’re fringe on the group but a little mysterious, and, as Paris Hilton would say, that’s hot. )
The Geeks
I’m not going to say that being a Geek has no redeeming qualities but…well… actually I am. Don’t get it twisted- I am not talking about smarty pants geeks here (see below), I am talking about slacker geeks, who don’t really have their shit together and, tbh, don’t have a ton going for them. Not to sound like a mean popular girl or anything. I know this is sort of the Age of the Geek, thanks to like, gamer culture, but don’t let these teams and their fancy twitch accounts new players convince you that they’re cool. They are not cool. Which is fine, but like, own it. This squad of losers is made up of: The Detroit Lions, The Cincinatti Bengals, The New York Jets, and The Washington Football Team (don’t come at me, I am going off of VIBES ONLY okay). The Lions are hoping to TURN EVERYTHING AROUND this year (will they bribe the popular girl into going out with them, just to make them seem cool? Stay tuned!) with a new coach and new players and a new strat, but, let’s be honest, we’re not hopeful. The Bengals have Joe Burreaux back (TG, we missed you king) but, they’re still nothing incredible. The Jets…well. They got rid of Sam Darnold in favor of BYU QB Zach Wilson (because they were TOO GOOD last year to snag Trevor Lawrence) but their coach is a dick so we don’t like them. The Washington Football team actually might not suck THAT much this year, but just because you work with some cool kids (Ryan Fitzpatrick) on a group project, doesn’t mean you’re actually friends in real life, and it’s important for them to remember that. Also like, don’t pity them, they have a TOXIC CULTURE (as if every NFL team isn’t toxic smh)
The Bullies
I mean, based on vibes alone, I would not want to be a nerd vs. these teams. There are a lot of different kids of bullies- from ones that just seem like complete douchebags (The Raiders) to ones who would kick your teeth in for looking at them the wrong way (The Eagles), but let’s face it, you’re getting picked on by these teams, even if they have their own underlying issues. The Dallas Cowboys have huge bully energy to me, maybe because they’re like an Old Dynasty, but with Dak Prescott (hottie, starting QB) poised to return after last years gruesome injury, they’re nothing to roll your eyes at. They have a solid offense with a lot of weapons, but their defense is where they’ll be tested. Division homies to the cowboys, The Eagles have committed to the bit and are all in on Jalen Hurts (which sounds like a bully name okay! I know he’s a nice dude but like…imagine getting punched by him and being like damn that Jalen HURTS) and hoping to scrape together something that looks like a winning season. The Steelers, who you might remember went on a winning streak last year and everyone briefly was convinced they we’re going to the ship, well, they don’t look AS hot now (and, like a true bully, they’re taking that out on everyone else). They had to cut some ties due to the Salary Cap (something that truly doesn’t accomplish any of its goals tbh), and while they retained Juju, many are projecting they won’t be as scary. I mean, their defense is still scary to ME. As for the Raiders, despite having the only openly gay NFL player on their roster, they still give me “might call you the f-slur” vibes. Maybe it’s the black & silver? There is a lot invested in this team, and with their new stadium fully open to fans for the first time, the Raiders are sort of like the asshole who’s got a really nice house who hosts parties— I don’t want to be on their bad side, but I’m not really rooting for them.
The Nerds
Notably different from the geek squads, these teams are playing smarter not harder. They’re sneaky playmakers, they’re quiet kids in class who end up going to Yale, they’re the new kid in school who turns out to be a freakin genius. The Ravens lead off here, because they are a team that consistently identifies issues and solves them in the offseason. Lamar isn’t throwing enough? We’ll work on it. We need a better pass rush? We’ll work on it. They have a really unique offensive strategy and their interesting to watch. Their downfall is they’ve got pretty rotten luck when it comes to injury, and this year isn’t looking very different. NERDS DON’T DO GYM CLASS. Stay tuned to see if Lamar can shed his reputation of Being Bad in the Playoffs, if, you, know, they make it that far. My hot take is that the Bills won’t be as good as last year, even though many analysts have them as a sleeper hit to make it to the superbowl. That being said, the team has talent. Josh Allen has grown into his role in the team and linked up with key receivers (like Cole Beasley), which is essential to their offensive strat. That being said, many players on this team are anti vaxx, so! I am questioning my blind adoption of them as my secondary team. The Bears are in this category solely for having the smarts to look around in the first round of the draft, realize Justin Fields was available, and ACTUALLY MAKE A GOOD DECISION. I mean, do I see the Bears going to Yale the playoffs? Eh. But are they a team I actually kinda wanna watch now? Surprisingly yes. Granted, I didn’t watch any preseason (I am anti the entire concept!) and so I have not had any football content in like 6 months or so, so check back in with me about being “excited to watch” anything in about…three weeks. The Rams were VERY smart in the offseason, finding themselves a good QB for the first time and putting together an offense that…actually…looks…good??? And they already had an okay defense? A lot of people are saying they’re going to be sneaky good this year (Which tbh does mean they’ll flop), having finally put together the tools to a good team.
The Jocks
All muscle, no mindset. These are some nice boys, who we don’t dislike, but I don’t know if they’re really going anywhere. The Miami Dolphins (who I recently learned are historically the only team to have an undefeated season? Who knew!) have committed to Tua this year and are hoping that plays out. He didn’t look incredible last year, but, he’s a nice guy & a gentle giant. Also the Dolphins were not ACTUALLY that bad last year and they’ve set themselves up really well for the next couple drafts (for example, they picked up Jalen Waddle, a bama teammate of Tua). The Minnesota Vikings (who I recently learned are the only team in all 4 major US sports to have a real person dress up as their mascot, instead of someone in a suit) are probably going to be the same as last year- a midlevel team, who might make the playoffs but probably won’t get very far. They’ve got some strong players, some nice minnesota burly boys, but Kirk Cousins lacks the creativity that you need from a QB to take things to the next level. The Jags (I don’t have a fun fact for them) recently added Overall Number 1 Pick Trevor Lawrence to their roster, so you might have high hopes for them, but alas, they’re not much to look at. Trevor Lawrence is probably not dumb but he reminds me of Sunshine in Remember the Titans and so I have no choice but to assume he has the same personality. They also have a new coach, from THE Ohio State University Urban Meyer (how is that a real name!) who has already made some questionable choices (Tim Tebow), and isn’t really looking so smart right now. The Colts have Johnathan Taylor, who is pretty good. Phil Rivers retired and they replaced him with Pete Wentz’s brother CARSON, who left the Eagles. That’s it, they’re still growing I guess.
The Artsy Kids
What a bunch of weirdos. I don’t totally understand some of these teams, so I am just going to chalk it up to them being artsy fartsy, and admire their culture. The Saints are included here, not because their team is that creative, but because Taysom Hill (who will not be Drew’s replacement at starting QB) who will remain a jack knife jack of all trades call him what you want to know one knows what his job is part of the squad. The Saints might not be as good this year, or, tbh, maybe they will who knows football is a gamble and people really shouldn’t bet on it as much as they do because there’s WAY too much injury. As a former theater kid myself, I can tell you contact sports are not the way to go. The Seahawks hang with this clique as well, because they’re cooking something up with Russ Wilson (who, if you forgot, is married to Ciara, which is his greatest accomplishment). When they’re ON, they’re pretty good. But they’re not like, gunna go to Julliard and tbh they’re a LITTLE dramatic. Talk about a team putting on a PERFORMANCE: the Cardinals. Like I would buy tickets to watch them put on In The Heights, I don’t CARE if they’re an mostly white high school in Connecticut a random ass team in Arizona (that joke is for one person). Anyway Arizona gunna be good, I luv Kyler Murray (THE HAIL MURRAY) and they just keep adding on to their stacked cast of performers. I originally put the New England Patriots down in the next clique, but since they dropped vet Cam Newton in favor of their baby faced Rookie QB Mac Jones, I must assume that they have some sort of artistic genius driving them. That genius? Well, he might wear cutoff sweatshirts, but for all we know, Bill Belichick is just ahead of the high fashion curve. This is still a Patriots hate account, don’t worry, but I think more than just their owner can be Krafty (see what I did there?!).
Super Seniors
The Browns give me super senior energy not because anyone is THAT old, but because Baker Mayfield has sort of washed u desperate to please energy. Like he is trying so hard to be relevant, but everyone just wants him to buy them beer (the beer is a playoff win). The San Francisco 49ers who are in this category for Good Ol Giuseppe Garropolo Stromboli, who apparenlty is a Senior QB and they had to sdraft a ENW QB. Thy’re going for sort of a Lethal Weapon sitch with the old cop and the new cop and trying to do a sitch with 2 QBs. But QBs are like girlfriends: If you have 2, you have none. The Giants, who just can’t get it together and graduated. It’s like they’ve failed Algebra 4 times, but instead of failing Algebra they just lose in the EASIEST DIVISION IN FOOTBALL. Get it together fam. The Houston Texans, who are in this category because apparently they have the oldest average age of any team! Which doesn’t say much because that age is like 27, but whatever. The Houston Texans are like that creepy super senior who’s always hitting on freshmen, because, you know, the whole Deshaun Watson thing.
The Loners
These teams might claim to be doing their own thing, but in actuality, everyone just kinda forgot about them. For example, The Falcons, who are still not good and I’m obligated to hate them because they’re rivals with the Saints, but I just sort of…feel bad for them? Like even Atlanta doesn’t really like them? And their design is lame? Anyway. I also forget about The Broncos because they’re way out there in the West, but not on the West Coast, and they’re on mountain time, which we all know is a fake time zone. That being said, they do have my sweetheart Teddy Bridgewater at QB, and Von Bell is back from injury so I wish those quiet kids the best. The Carolina Panthers are suposedly not that bad of the team but riddle me this can you name any of their players? I really don’t think I can. Gardner Minshew maybe? Is that anything or did I make that name up? Next! Last? Wait, am I missing someone? Oh, right, the Chargers, who I truly forgot about because LA has another team, it’s called the Rams, and I don’t like the electric colors the chargers wear, and also I don’t like Justin Hebert that much. Again nothing against any of these team, I just forget they exist, and as previously established, the NFL has too many teams and most of them are kind of shitty so maybe we should input a relegation system? Idk I am spit balling here.
Welcome to your first day in hell!
We’ll be continuing our much followed (thanks Dan) weekly recaps(ish) the best we can, even if that means watching far too much trash football because of stupid REGIONAL TV SCHEDULES (something I never will not be furious about!!!!). Was this blog post informative? Well. Not really if you were looking for actual football content but tbh I feel like you have another source for that if you’re that invested. Anyway best wishes to everyone, here’s hoping no one gets a concush!
