NFL Week 16: Holiday Edition!
Happy Holidays everyone! In protest of there being NO MUPPET NIGHT FOOTBALL we took a second bye week (also because it was the HOLIDAYS and also the SAINTS BEAT THE BUCs and days were good and life was bliss okay!) Now we are back in action and we watched SO MUCH FOOTBALL -mostly Katrina because she was on the West Coast, where it is EASY TO WATCH . Actually quick aside: Katrina and I have decided that the best football watching Time Of The Day is 11-3PM. This is why we are not fully anti college football (BIG NOON BABY) and the west coast is great because games start at 10am! Time Zones are fake but apparently great for sports! Unless you’re watching european soccer, but no one is right now because everything keeps getting cancelled! Why isn’t the NFL getting COVID cancelled? Money! Idk! Ok let’s get into it!
Games we Didn’t Watch
Packers 24 Browns 22: Boooooooooo Aaron Rodgers
Colts 22 Cardinals 16: What is going ON with these Cardinals fam!!!!!! Why are the Colts so good??? Jk we know the answer to that one: It’s Jonathan Taylor!
Falcons 20 Lions 16- I am MAD AT THE FALCONS for doing well but I am not dwelling on it!
Rams 30 Vikings 26- Idk I guess there is still time for the Rams to blossom but they are an older team so if they don’t do well they’re screwed for next year, imho.
Jets 26 Jaguars 21- This. Game. Doesn’t. Matter. For. Anyone.
Bengals 41 Ravens 21- The Ravens are truly cursed by injuryu and have been since Week 1, and now they’re without Lamar Jackson! But who CARES about that because the Bengals are good now! Superbowl bound probably idk!!!
Texans 41 Chargers 29- This is bad news for the chargers, who are still in a playoff hunt, and also bad news for the Texans, because they should focus on TANKING to get a good draft position!
Cowboys 56 Washington 14- Ok I cannot claim to have “watched” this game, but I flipped by it briefly at the end and when they put this score up on the screen I thought they were doing that thing where they display the rushing or passing yardage for each team instead of the score (they do this a lot and then I look up and I’m like ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN POINTS??? oh no that’s just the yards, which for some reason they chose to display in the exact same font, color, format and location where they just had the score written. Once again, graphic design needs to be improved) BUT NO it was the ACTUAL score of the game. I do not know what happened (didn’t watch!) but wtf.
Games We Did Watch
Titans 20 49ers 17
Gonna be honest, rolled in towards the end of this and it seemed like the Niners had it in hand, so I (katrina) wasn’t too concerned. But, as is their trademark this season, the 49ers managed to BOOF it and the Titans were able to win it by 3 at the end. I gotta say, I do not know what is going on with Jimmy Giovanni Barilla Silvio Stromboli Garoppolo but his performances have been mediocre at best. (and I watched this in a 49ers household so I got this confirmed direct from the fans). Of course, I can’t stay mad at my favorite gondolier for long, that beautiful face will get you out of anything!
Eagles 34 Giants 10
Since I was on the West Coast, I thought I might finally get to see a few teams play that aren’t New York Trash (tm) but ALAS no, I was also with an Eagles fan so we secretly found a way to watch this game. I tell ya, if I never see the Giants or Jets play again, it won’t be soon enough. Does that make sense? This lopsided score may lead you to think the Eagles are now good (and according to the NYT this week they are), which tbh, not my place to pass judgement but I find it hard to categorize a team that is 8-7 as “good” considering that’s batting JUST above .500 (quick maths!). The REAL story of this score is that the Giants are VERY BAD. I came to this dual conclusion by, surprisingly, watching the game, wherein NEITHER TEAM SCORED for the first quarter AND NO ONE SCORED A TOUCHDOWN UNTIL THE SECOND HALF (3-3 at the break). Football at its finest. Then, idk, the Eagles coach ( a fellow Italian-American) was like, guys we are LOSING the crowd out there and I am frankly terrified of what these Philly madmen (phanatics as it were) will do to us if we lose to the Giants! and Jalen Hurts & Co were like, ok boss you got it.
Bills 33 Patriots 21
I (Elena) didn’t watch the above game because I figured it was a trash game that impacted nothing, but it does turn out that this game MATTERED FOR THE SAINTS (see below). Anyways, the reason that is relevant is because I had chosen instead to watch this game, a rematch of an earlier in the season Patriots blow out win. As you know we do not stan the Patriots, but they’ve been on a sneaky sneaky build up the past month, so the Bills needed to take them down a peg. With the unvaxxed Cole Beasley benched (got em), Isaiah McKenzie stepped up in a BIG WAY for the Bill offense with the most receptions in the game at 11. Josh Allen did a couple little zoomies and made me yell at the TV more than a couple times (seriously my dude: throw the ball faster it is STRESSING ME OUT the patriots defense is SCARY TO ME)
Bears 25 Seahawks 24
SNEAX GAME! I didn’t catch all of this one but they did keep flipping between this and the raiders at the bar I was at and baby it was a WHITE OUT! A dollar short and a day late to make it a White Christmas but this snowy Seattle Sunday threw the Seahawks off their game and the Bears snuck out with a BIG win.
Raiders 17 Broncos 15
This was a close one and a low scoring (pauses to google what the opposite of thriller is) snoozefest up until the end. Luckily Derek Carr (who I can only assume is coach of the team at this point) put in a solid performance to get the win. I don’t have a lot to say about this, as you know we don’t really care about the Raiders so! Sorry!
Chiefs 36 Steelers 10
Are the Chiefs good again now?? Yes! In fact, they’re great! It’s truly horrifying how much football I have watched this season and yet I still could not tell you who is going to the playoffs, I thought for sure the Chiefs at the start, then they fell off, but now they’re back and won whatever sub division thing they’re in? (that’s another thing, still cannot figure out who is in what division and the geographical direction attached to each one seems to not actually be related to where the teams are which doesn’t help). This confusion might have to do more with how trash this sport is than my ability as an analyst which I must say, is better than most of the commentators at this point! (You gotta toot your own horn or no one else will!). In any case, despite being down much of the squad due to COVID , notably Travis Kelce, the Chiefs stomped all over the Steelers. They were also missing star kicker Harrison Butker (my fantasy kicker) because he tested positive, and while the team “would not confirm his vaccination status” they did confirm “he would be required to follow the protocol for unvaccinated players and isolate for 10 days” sooooo yeah. Shaking my DAMN head at all these athletes who literally have a job that depends on them being healthy… not getting vaccinated…f*cking me over in fantasy.
Dolphins 20 Saints 3
I am a big girl and I know that life is unfair but guys this was SO FREAKIN UNFAIR. The Saints had approximately a THOUSAND PLAYERS out on COVID protocol including both Trevor (the mullet QB) and tasty Taysom Hill (our sneaky jackknife QB) so we started a RANDOM ROOKIE QB WHO HAD NEVER PLAYED AN NFL GAME. And I know I laughed at the Broncos last season when that happened to them and they had to play a random dude who wasn’t a QB but this was not just a plague on QBs! We had no O Line! We had no receivers! It was a ragtag group of misfits that rivaled the islanders of Rudolph fame!!!! The score looks pretty bad but I will say the defense, as always, really did some INCREDIBLE WORK, only allowing 1 TD (suck it Tua) and forcing a turnover On the offensive side of things, we were abysmal, our rookie QB (who’s name I truly am not even bothering to remember!) threw a PICK SIX on his FIRST DRIVE (seeeerrrriousss bruh moment) and Alvin Kamara didn’t get enough touches on the ball. Our playoff hopes CONTINUE TO BE IN JEOPARDY because the Eagles won which for some reason is bad for us! (idk something about the wild card placements, truly tough to say). (katrina hopping in here to say to rookie, sweetie, you’re doing amazing and you’ll get em next time!)
Looking Forward
In a fantasy update, despite having some of the league’s BEST players (Tom Brady! Jonathan Taylor! Darrel Henderson! Harrison Butker! DK Metcalf!) I have ended up in the loser’s bracket and not the playoffs, fighting for my life out here because HALF MY ROSTER IS OUT WITH COVID PROTOCOL and these unvax dudes aren’t helping sh*t! (looking at you Butker). I would like to refute anyone who says my season sucked by pointing out that even the games I lost, I only lost by a few measly points. The learning curve is steep folks!
Sorry for the length of this post, but that’s what happens when we actually watch games (which only really happened because we are avoiding people due to Omicroni!). Honestly, you all should be thanking your lucky stars we don’t care more about this sport because imagine reading all this every week. Incredible news for us all, this season is sloooooowly winding down and we only have 2 more weeks of regular play ( gee thanks NFL for extending the regular season! Nobody asked for this!) before the playoffs, so the end is IN SIGHT!! (visualizing the same being true for Macaroni??? no i refuse to learn how to spell or say this one)
Hang in there guys and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
