On COVID-19, Sports sans Fans, and Glinda-Worthy Bubbles
As we embark on our journey into pretending to know things and sharing our hot takes on things that absolutely do not matter, you may ask yourself, girls, why now? Why share your opinions with the world when America is grappling with a pandemic, massive social unrest and the most important election of most of our lives?
We promise to answer all your questions. And by that, we mean we have no fucking idea. We’re just as bored as the rest of you, and have been since March. I mean we were supposed to be BASKING in American Olympic glory at this point, not questioning whether sports should even take place and wondering if we will ever drink inside a bar ever again. So, while we waited for the Olympics and opportunity to really shine, we asked ourselves, what does this nation really need? More. Sports. Commentary.
Especially now that you can’t go see the sports in person! I mean a bubble is everything you want for a team narrative. You’re trapping these incredibly hot people together in a hotel for an undetermined amount of time and telling them to compete for their lives or die trying? It’s like Love Island! Or Big Brother! Neither of which I actually watch consistently but I can only imagine all the petty shit that’s happening between all of these egos in the sports world.
Anyways the point being that 1) sports are back and we’re dying to talk about it. 2) these athletes took months off from their regular training to either be thrown in to the PLAYOFFS or to a NEW SEASON and the effects of that on level of play have been absolutely wild and 3) not all bubbles are created equal, and we wanted to rank them.
The Baseball Bubble that Wasn’t: 1/10
Coming in a strong last place here with exactly what NOT to do is the MLB. I’m not going to watch baseball on TV either way, because personally I feel like it’s a you-have-to-be-there type of sport, but their blatant disregard for the player’s needs, the fact that they are asking players to put their families at risk, and the open flagrance of COVID friendly rules (aka spitting on the field, touching each other constantly, and all the positive cases and cancelled games) let you know that they’re not killing it.
MLS is Back Tourney: 4/10
Ok the actual bubble created by MLS was a huge success. They did a really great job limiting cases, blah blah blah, but the tournament was so BORING. On a good day, MLS is soccer in slow motion. After 5+ months off, it was less interesting than a pee wee soccer game (at least those games have some biting and end with orange slices). Watching these games actually made me understand why people think nothing happens in a soccer game.
NWSL Cup: 5/10
In this house, we support women’s soccer. We recognize that the NWSL is the best soccer league in America, we love the prospects of partnerships like the OL-Reign combo, and we would 10/10 let Sam Kerr punch us in the face. However, all of this would be a lot easier if women’s soccer was on tv. The NWSL put together a stunning tournament filled with drama and beautiful goals and single elimination games and penalty shootouts and we. watched. none. of. it. This would have been a 10/10 if the networks had put it on the gosh dang TV.
Bundesliga: 7/10
I’m not going to go through the failures (looking at you Ligue 1) and successes of every European League’s restart, because there are far too many and we have to move on to the new season anyway. That being said, we cannot talk about bubbles or sports coming back without giving credit to the Germans, precise as always, the first major league anything to get back in the game and do so successfully. The only reason this rating isn’t higher is because 1) Bayern Munich won and 2) we remembered that we don’t actually care about german soccer
The NBA Bubble: 8/10
The NBA is doing pretty much everything right. They aren’t pumping in too much fake fan noise, they’re testing players constantly, and the game is…thriving in isolation. Before they started playing, stories of players goofing around in Florida and the swift rebuke some received for breaking rules (and ordering takeout) have been priceless. Kudos to the league for staying strict, and even more kudos to the players for surviving without their families/their instagram baddies. Also, in case you missed it, the players started a multi-sport strike in protest of the unwarranted violence against Jacob Blake, which is pretty much unheard of and fucking groundbreaking.
NHL Playoffs: 9/10
While we maintain that hockey is a winter sport and playoffs should not be as long as they are (Like, they are the equivalent of if the March Madness tournament started at the Sweet 16 and went on for MONTHS) the Canandian restart of hockey has progressed beautifully. The fact that there is not one but TWO bubbles (Two houses, both alike in dignity…), the idea of 8 rival hockey teams all together in one hotel, and the TikTok content being produced over the past two months… it’s just pure joy. And not without it’s fair share of tearjerker narratives - a cancer survivor coming back to play for the Flyers, a star goalie opting out in the middle of a series, and a record breaking 5OTs in the opening playoff match… Hockey is on some next level shit right now, and we all need to pay attention.
The Wubble: 1000/10
I say this a lot, but the WNBA is truly the greatest sports league in America. The players are so smart, passionate, and organized, and you know that they are in it for the right reasons because they get paid jack shit. Per usual, the women get treated like garbage and they are the hardest workers. The Wubble has been PERFECTLY executed, and because we are all desperate for sports we actually get to watch the WNBA on television, so these players are getting more of the recognition they deserve. And to top it all off, Payers were allowed to bring their kids into the Wubble, which results in pretty much the cutest shit in the world, including:
