Women’s World Cup: Group Breakdown Part 2
GROUP D
England (3rd)
Nickname: The Lionesses (RAWR from a fellow Leo!)
Qualification: The Lionesses brought their pride (pun intended) to the pitch in qualifying. They scored an average 3 goals per game, and snagged their spot in a face-off against Wales.
History: Since we don’t have a TON of space here, we recommend a thorough viewing of Bend it Like Beckham for the full history of English Women’s Football. Here’s the non-Keira Knightley highlights- they’ve qualified 4x and scored third place in 2015. Unrelated but the film is also worth viewing for the moment when the coach compares discrimination against the Irish to the racist slurs faced by our heroine Jess! Classic mansplaining adversity!
Coach- Phil Neville- Succeeding the Sampson era of coaching, which helped the team grow immensely but also revealed the fact that their coach maybe assaulted people while working at the academy, so you know not ideal. Neville is bringing his playing experience from Man United (BOO) to his first legit coaching role.
MAJOR KEYS- Steph Houghton: A record goal-scorer for the english side, Houghton is a key part of the english attack. Basically she’s like their imperial navy.
Fara Williams: The FIFA page didn’t identify Steph as a star despite the fact that she is MBE (like basically a lady knight) so y’all better at least recognize.
Fran Kirby:(Do you think she plays as Kirby in Super Smash Bros?) A rising star on the team who JUST got rid of her bowl cut, Fran stood out in 2015 and will look to “bring football home” (even though the Cup was invented by a french guy just saying)
Expectations: England just moved up in the rankings (knocking down France despite the fact that the Lionesses lost to Canada I do not understand this shit FIFA IS RIGGED) and all jokes about british teeth and royal family domestic disputes ASIDE, they have their eyes on victory. Or, at least as impressive as a run as their men enjoyed in 2018. Also i still think it’s problematic that they are the UNITED KINGDOM but they play as separate nation teams like separate but equal? Questionable!
Scotland (20th)
Nickname: Y’all they don’t have one? I went to look at the men’s and they don’t have a COACH so things seem organized. We will call them the Unicorns. OH FLOW’R OF SCOOOTLAND WHEN WILL WE SEEE YA LIKE A-GEEN THAT FOUGHT N DIED FOR YEE WEE BIT HILL AND GLEN ( this is one of their main sporting songs. Scottish people may not actually speak English.)
Qualification: The Unicorns did not take the easy way to France, having come from behind to win in 4 of their 7 victories in qualifications.
History: ANOTHER WORLD CUP FIRST! This is a World Cup of bébés! Despite English claims to inventing soccer, it’s also been played in Scotland forever, with records of women playing back in 1628. Can you IMAGINE playing football in a CORSET? Competitively they haven’t made much of a name for themselves, and the fact that any Olympic victories are in the U.K’s name doesn’t help. (FREE SCOTLAND 2019 VOTE YES ON INDEPENDENCE)
Coach- Shelley Kerr: After winning every domestic honor as a player, Kerr decided to have a go as coach, and did so as the first woman to coach a senior men’s team.
MAJOR KEYS- Kim Little: Little is a BIG star on the English and American stages, and has even dabbled in Australia, but this will be her first major tournament with Scotland.
Rachel Corsie: Current captain and Rose of Aberdeen, Corsie is known for consistency and accuracy.
Expectations: Right now it looks unlikely for these Unicorns to advance but, IF YEEU HAD A CHANCE TA CHAENGE YER FAETE, WOOODJA? They’re sure as h•ck going to try.
Argentina (37th)
Nickname: La Albiceleste translation for those of you that aren’t multilingual that means Sky Blues
Qualification: Ya girls hit a bit of a rough patch (relatable) for about 2 years (FIFA’s site refers to this as “The Wilderness” sounds BIBLICAL), had NO coach, and dropped off FIFA rankings entirely… not a good look. But then they booted and rallied (get it boot issa pun) and qualified for Copa America 2018. Despite early losses, they defeated Colombia 3-1 setting them up for a qualifying cup match vs Panama. Victory (in the form of a 4-1 win and 1-1 draw) had them booking their Air France flights for June (#ad #FranceIsInTheAir...though tbh they’re probs flying Emirates)
History: Participated in 2 Cups before this (‘03 & ‘07). So good news, not their first rodeo, bad news, both times they finished DEAD LAST so looking to improve on that. As you may know, soccer is BIG in Argentina (idk if u have heard of Messi...he is from there?) so national appreciation for the sport is incredible (and yet they didn’t invest in this team- see : another pay scandal here)
Coach- Carlos Borrello: one of the most influential figures in Argentinian women’s soccer. Was in charge between 2003-2012 and coached the team for their last 2 appearances (wouldn’t brag about that). Got re-appointed in 2017 and was tasked with rebuilding Argentinian female football.
MAJOR KEYS- Estefania Banini- Captain and a skillful midfielder, she’s played in South America and USA-USA-USA before moving to Spain. An attacking asset.
Soledad Jaimes - Scored 5 goals in the Copa America to help the team qualify but missed the show down with the Panamanians because of a club conflict (she plays in China. RIGGED?)
Expectations: The Albiceleste are motivated, but qualification wasn’t smooth sailing and their history is not illustrious. Sadly they drew a pretty tough group so it’ll be a challenge to advance.
Japan (7th)
Nickname: Nadeshiko Japan (In other contexts apparently this means like “ideal woman” Again with the unrealistic standards for women smh!)
Qualification: The defended their AFC Asian Cup Crown to secure their séjour en France (we are secretly teaching you french AND football).
History: Once upon a time Japan stole the World Cup Victory from the United States. It was arguably the WORST thing Japan has EVER done to our country IN ALL OF HISTORY. (Too far?) Anyway I “guess” they “deserved” to “win” and have “always been a strong team” and have “participated in all the cups” or whatever. It was “right after the tsunami” so it was a “big deal”. I guess. Also I bet a bunch of you just learned that Japan still has a royal family? Obvi, women aren’t allowed to rule!
Coach- Asako Takakura-Takemoto: Replacing the legendary Sasaki in 2016, Asako had big shoes to fill. Her experience is marked by coaching successful high-quality youth teams.
MAJOR KEYS- Mana Iwabuchi: Mana was changing the game when she was just 15, a young but explosive addition to the team. France 2019 will be her third time at a World Final.
Saki Kumagai: A Lyon player and the keystone in the defensive middle field. She protecc… she attacc… she scored the decisive penalty to secure Lyon’s Champions League Victory in 2016.
Expectations: As we learned in 2011, NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE JAPANESE. They’re not top ranked, but are favored to emerge from their group. It will definitely be interesting to see how they fare against likely opponents Australia/Brazil in quarterfinals, but after that hurdle they’d definitely have the confidence to take it to the final.
GROUP D EXPECTATIONS: The Lionesses are out for BLOOD after their shocking defeat at the hands of Japan in 2015 semis. With their 3rd place ranking, they’re 100% the team to beat. Of course, we can’t discount Japan either- former champions struck down in the 2015 final. Their faceoff is our #mustseematch June 19th, 3pm EST
GROUP E
Canada (5th)
Nickname: OH CANADA MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND (No nickname but the boys are Les Rouges, great ANOTHER team named after the color red!!)
Qualification: Beat Cuba (by 12), Costa Rica and Panama (by 7) to secure their World Cup berth then lost to their famous neighbors to the South (that’s right AMURICA FUCK YEAH)
History: Canada is appearing in their 7th straight World Cup, so they’re nothing if not consistent. They’re also pretty decent- 4th place was their highest finish, but they don’t have the flash we have.
Coach-Kenneth Heiner-Moller A DANE! Having been to Denmark recently I can confirm this means he is a more highly evolved human. Started coaching the Lady Maple Leaves in 2018 and has experience coaching the Danish women’s team.
MAJOR KEYS- Christine Sinclair- Have you heard of Christine she is literally THE ONLY PLAYER CANADA HAS, probably. She is their captain, top scorer, and most capped. Her 5th appearance so she knows what’s up. Arguably she is too old for this stuff, and would love to go out on a high note.
Expectations: Canada is a contender for group leader, with a strong squad, a bomb ass coach, a swag record and of course a team that speaks both French and English which WILL enable them to get the best croissants. But their french sounds like Oklahoma English so they lack a lil prestige.
Cameroon (46th)
Nickname: Indomitable Lionesses (Are they trying to one-up England? - we live in a postcolonial world Katrina they deserve to one up England)
Qualification: Killed it in the group stage, but again came up short against recurring foe Nigeria, leaving them in a do-or-die qualification match vs Mali. Banged it out 4-2 to clinch their spot.
History: Second Cup, first appearance was in 2015 where they tapped out in the round of 16. Not bad for a first timer! At least they left the group stage! And won some games! And scored!
Coach- Alain Djeumfa- Previously the fitness finesse coach of the team, was promoted in January. He will be assisted by former team captain Bernadette Anong.
MAJOR KEYS- Gabrielle Onguene- Scored key goals in 2015 and has only matured and grown as a player since then. She’s now considered one of Africa’s top ladies.
Expectations: While they’re a top African team and had a strong showing in the last Cup, it’s not clear how well these Lionesses will do against stronger teams like the Lady Leafs, given that they just CANNOT beat good teams like Nigeria. They show a lot of promise and would love to see them advance, but they are faced with Canada AND the Dutch,neither of whom are going to make this easy. They ALSO speak both French and English due to colonialism. (dual colonization! Yeah! Ok yeah u right not something to cheer for my b)
New Zealand (19th)
Nickname: The Football Ferns I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BUT I LOVE IT
Qualification: Woefully underprepared and missing MANY keys due to injury, the Ferns still managed to qualify with ease for the Cup (DEPTH!) . They dominated their continental cup, taking the title and scoring 43 goals without conceding ANY. (Disclaimer this is not the strongest continent-- this is like me being the faster swimmer in the pool when everyone else is 70+ years old)
History: 4th cup appearance, first time was in 1991. Sadly has never made it out of the group stage and I’m not sure this is the year it’s gonna happen for them.
Coach- Tom Sermanni A Scoot! What are you doing here sir! (Considering their men’s team HAS NO COACH? Go home Tom!) He’s coached 4 World Cup teams, but was working with rivals Australia.
MAJOR KEYS- Ali Riley- Captain since 2017. Born in the U.S., Ali’s played there and Sweden before her recent move to England. She’s an experienced fullback, having played in 3 Cups and 3 Olympics.
Expectations: The stats are deceiving with this team. You’d look at their qualifying scores and their many appearances and think they would be contenders, but it’s hard to get past the fact that they’ve not had much success on the larger international stage (Oceania doesn’t really count). With both Canada and the Netherlands in the group, they’ll have their work cut out for them if they hope to advance.
Netherlands (8th)
Nickname: Orange Leeuwinen which as far as I can tell means Orangewomen. Dutch is nonsense. Their royals are from the House of Orange, hence why they rock those flashy unis despite that color not being anywhere on their flag. I respect it, there are too many red/white/blue teams.
Qualification: After finishing second in the group stage, the ladies had to negotiate the play-off rounds but did so handily, defeating both Denmark and Switzerland 4-1.
History: Another huge soccer power on the men’s side (though they were notably absent this year in Russia), Women have been more of a recent success. This will be their 2nd Cup appearance after 2015 where they advanced to the Round of 16. They won the most recent EURO 2017 at home which cemented their status as a rising european soccer power.
Coach- Sarina Weigman- Appointed in 2017, she has really pushed the team to that next level, leading them to their EURO 2017 victory, and was named Euro Coach of the year in 2017 for that.
MAJOR KEYS- Lieke Martens-Your guess is as good as mine for this name. Leekuh? Lie key? Anyways, she’s a dope dribbler who sets the pace for the team and was a key for their Euro 2017 victory. Named best Euro player in 2017 following that (seems like these awards are just pandering to the winners)
Expectations: These Oranges were already p good in ‘15 and have only improved since then. We fully expect them to ace the group stage, and then we will have to see what Sarina’s squad can do formidable opponents in elimination rounds.
GROUP E EXPECTATIONS: While we’d love to see the Indomitable Lionesses or the FERNS (i am DED) advance, it seems likely that the group will go to Canada or the Netherlands. A diverse group to watch in terms of style of play and experience, we will be tuning in for as any of these matches as we can, but since your time is limited, peep Netherlands and Canada facing off to see whose country is whiter, and also to determine who has a better chance later on (spoiler: whoever has to face the USA is screwed). That #mustseematch will be on June 20th 12PM EST.
GROUP F
USA (1st)
Nickname: The Stars and Stripes
Qualification: They slayed the whole dang thing with shut out after shutout in the CONCACAF Cup. (quick sidebar to say that CONCACAF is too fucking long for a conference name)
History: WE BEEN HERE SINCE THE START FAM 7 for 7 appearances, 4 finals, 3 titles, most recently in 2015. In case you’ve been SLEEPIN.
Coach- Jill Ellis: Jill led the ladies to victory in 2015. She brings an incredible energy to the team. She replaced some Swedish chick (see below) and we’ve NEVER LOOKED BACK.
MAJOR KEYS- We don’t have space to outline the entire squad here BUT you may know the three co-captains Carli Lloyd, Golden Blazer Winner Megan Rapinoe, or recent Sports Illustrated covergirl Alex Morgan for their incomparable attacking abilities. You may remember Julie Ertz (formerly Johnson) who’s husband won a Superbowl in order to try (and fail) to outdo her. This team is made up of ALL STARS, and they’ve got depth on their bench, in case anyone needs a break.
Expectations: We would like to take a momentary pause here to address accusations of bias on our part. You might think, these gals just want redemption for the fact their men’s team sucks (true), and they’re just supporting the country they live in, and they are just supporting the regimes of existing superpowers which limits the potential of come-ups like a certain Orange team. And you’re not WRONG but let’s face facts: This. Team. Pwns. Noobs. Not only do the USWNT have one of the best club leagues in the world, that a lot of their current players have had a major role in developing, but they have been consistently unified and skilled as a team; it’s impossible not to be impressed. PLUS the fact that they have made money moves (like fighting for equal pay) is paving the way internationally for the women’s sport to grow even more. Also, WE WANT FOUR STARS.
Thailand (34th)
Nickname: Chaba Kaew (WAR ELEPHANTS this is BAD. ASS.)
Qualification: After a fantastic run at the Asian Cup, Thailand qualified by reaching the semifinals, where they lost to the Matildas on penalties.
History: This is the War Elephants’ second tour at the World Cup, after making their debut in 2015. Their wikipedia page start their history a year before that in 2014, but they’ve been playing without much investment from their government since the 1970’s.
Coach-Nuengruethai Sathongwien: Having previously coached their World Cup run in 2015, Sathongwien is back to do it again.
MAJOR KEYS-Duangnapa Sritala:Captain, Sritala plays in Bangkok and is a keystone of Thai defense.
Kangjanan Sungngoen: (I can’t WAIT to hear french commentators try to pronounce these names) A veteran striker, Sungngoen was crucial for the War Elephants in 2015.
Expectations: Last time, they won a game against Cote d’Ivoire. So a modest goal would maybe be to win a game this time also (contre Chile, par exemple), but with giants in the group they probably won’t be able to chalk up more than that. If you are desperate to prove us wrong, you can watch them lose their friendly vs. France on May 25th.
Chile (39th)
Nickname: Las Chicas de Rojo (The Ladies in Red, as if they’ll be the only ones in red smh)
Qualification: In a 4-0 shutout against rival Argentina at the Copa America, Chile paved the road to France and their first World Cup.
History: “As well as many South American nations, women's football is somewhat under shadow of men's football”; wikipedia speaking my TRUTH here. Chile has never missed the Ladies Copa America, even snagging 2 third place titles in their history. But on the World Cup side, they’re brand new! Welcome friends! They’ve shown a lot of recent growth and hoping to make this “qualifying for things for the first time” a theme for the 2020 Olympics as well.
Coach- Jose Letelier: After leading the Colo-Colo women’s club side to 10 straight titles, Letelier took on the challenge of the national team, successfully getting their shit together enough to qualify.
MAJOR KEYS- Christiane Endler: It’s not often the goalkeeper has this level of star power, but the combination of her natural talent and the fact that she plays for PSG has all eyes on Endler and what she will do for the Chilean side.
Expectations: Chile will hope for a win against Thailand and maybe a few draws, but all of that seems pretty unlikely. Check out their style and root for their development maybe they'll make moves to grow in the future.
Sweden (9th)
Nickname: Blåglut (This means blue-yellow but saying it in swedish sounds cooler)
Qualification: The Swedes won their group in European qualifying, defeating “rivals” Denmark (as if y’all aren’t NEIGHBORS and the SAME COUNTRY) but suffering a surprise loss against Ukraine.
History: The swedes are a force to reckon with, an attendee of every World Cup, and making the finals once before, but have yet to take a title. Required watching: The Swedes episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, culturally important for understanding this squad. Also they’re all tall and blonde and beautiful I would never be able to face off against them without being literally blinded by their beauty.
Coach- Peter Gerhardsson: Previous coaches include Thomas Dennerby (were you paying attention? Now he’s with Nigeria), and Pia Sunderson (former US coach who betrayed us before 2015 but couldn’t beat us) but none of them cut it so Petree came in 2017.
MAJOR KEYS- Caroline Seger: A vet on the team and in international play, Seger’s previous clubs include Philly, PSG, and the place where legends are made, Olympique Lyonnais. She now plays in Malmö where we have BEEN! Peritos snuck in to Sweden right under Caroline’s perfectly sculpted nose. She was injured during qualifying but hopefully is in fighting shape for the tournament.
Stina Blackstenius: Besides having a kickass name, Stina also kicks butt as an attacker, filling the void left when former captain and mega goalscorer Lotta Schelin retired.
Expectations: The Blåglut (am I speaking swedish or gagging we may never know) are pretty much a lock to advance. However, their prospects for quarter finals are less of a guarantee, and will be interesting to see how far their good looks (and “superior” “skills” I GUESS) will get them.
GROUP F EXPECTATIONS: Y’all know how in Beyonce’s “Formation” she sampled Big Freedia saying “I did not come to play with you hos; I came to SLAY, bitch”--that is the United States’ mentality re: the group stage. (it’s ok if you didn’t know that reference, now you do) Expect them to cruise through and make Sweden look like a bunch of Gazelles bewildered by a lion surprising their pack. In 2015, a BIG fuss got about their “rivalry” so peep the #mustseematch between Sweden and USA on June 20th 3pm EST.
