One Game More…
It’s the LAST WEEKEND of European domestic soccer and it has ALL COME DOWN TO THE WIRE!!!!! While many teams have already said their goodbyes to fortune and fame, others fight on, exhausted after like 9 months of play, striving for trophies & to survive. We’re breaking down the action from the penultimate games and sipping on the tea that’s sure to follow
In the (WOMEN’S) Champions League…
That’s right, women can be champion(ne)s too!!!!! (that’s a grammar joke for like…. one person).As we wait to continue the road to Istanbul Porto for the gentlemen’s all english final, the Chelsea women’s side competed against Barcelona for the ladies’ title. And barcelona STOMPED them 4-0. Here’s hoping that the men’s side does a little better!!! Congrats Barca gals, here is an adorable pic of their star with her cut down the net (like it’s march all over again!) (low key soccer nets are way less pratical to cut down)
In the Premier League…
ALLISON!!!!!!!! In the first (and maybe last) Liverpool game EVER to be on NBCSN (probably), the side looked straight up dismal for most of their match after going down by a goal early to West Brom. We learned a lot about west brom that day (not that it’s of any use to us because they were getting relegated win or lose here): They’re called the baggies (no one knows why), and they sing Psalm 23 (the lord is my shepherd) as their cheer. They also hop up and down when they score and yell BOING BOING BOING (obviously there were no fans so we didn’t see this but yeah).Weird vibes fam! All looked lost, even after a MAGNIFICENT goal from Prince Of Egypt Mo Salah, until a corner at the 92nd minute led to this magic happening:
You are probably thinking wait why is that guy in black out there? That’s right it is the GOALIE! This is a fun technique you can do if you’re down and out of time and have possession- just throw as many bodies as you can up there and hope you can squeeze out a goal and guess what! It worked! This is only the 6th time in EPL history that a goalie has scored, the first time for Liverpool, for goaltender Allison, and the first time off a header. Inspiring!!!!!! There was also a great interview post-match in which we found out his father recently passed away- since he is Brazilian we assumed maybe from covid (it is not good there) but turns out he DROWNED IN A LAKE?!?!!?!? Anyways a beautiful day to be a liverpudlian, and we are thankful for allison! The reds are now in 4th place, ahead of Leicester, IN A UCL SPOT BABY!!!!! Other headlines from the Brits: Man U looks TIRED, because in the domestic league they’ve got nothing to fight for. Leicester won the FA Cup (which means nothing btw), Chelsea lost to Arsenal in a brutal match, Spurs lost to Aston Villa (probably ensuring they’re going to miss out on European football, and Harry Kane has OFFICIALLY asked to leave).
In Ligue 1…
THE TITLE RACE CONTINUES!!!!! PSG notched a W last weekend and Lille could only pull off a draw against ASSe (St. Etienne) leaving them ONE POINT APART going into the final match day. PSG also won the Coupe de la Ligue by beating Monaco yesterday, the team currently in 3rd. Lyon can still beat Monaco for a UCL spot— they trail by 1 point, but have a better goal differential. Farmer’s League WHO folks!!!!!! This is where the drama is at!!!! It must of course be said that with the players they have, PSG should really never have been in this situation. If they had played 10% better on like… 2% of their games, they. wouldn’t be here right now! but alas. Tune in this weekend (srsly I’ll let you watch on my fubo) to watch PSG play Brest (hehe…breast) & Lille play Angers, both at 3pm on Sunday.
In the Bundesliga…
Wow I guess Dortmund heard me TALKIN SHIT because they really got their asses in gear and somehow made it into a Champion’s League spot???? (By somehow I mean Schalke actually won a game, beating Frankfurt, who is now out of UCL contention). Unclear if that will be enough to make Haaland to stay, although a bonus for the team was they won the German Cup this past week. This is an appeal to younger players: Dortmund can draw them in with the promise of candy (minor trophies) and enough attention on a European stage. Has this worked out for the team domestically? No! But I guess they’re sticking with it. For Frankfurt, there’s a debate about whether they fell apart because their coach is leaving, or if they just can’t finish a season well, or maybe both! To Update you on the Lewandowski Quest: He is now even with the reigning goal record of 40 thanks to a penalty this past weekend. I also learned that he puts essential oils on his pillows at night which is big Goop Energy to me.
In La Liga…
Real temporarily sat on top of the table for a blissful moment this past weekend, reminding us that this title race will come down to the final day. Zidane, our french HERO/traitor because he coaches Real, has made it generally clear to people inside the firm that he would like to leave, but is very coy with reporters. Atletico is hanging on by a THREAD and honestly not playing that well: Suarez missed 5 shots on goal this past weekend (and then wasn’t subbed off for some reason). They’re fighting for their lives but not playing like it, but as we ALWAYS say: Life Champions find a way. Barca has faded out of the title race not with a bang but with a whimper, and will look at their loss earlier this season to Grenada, among other losses, as MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. They are, arguably, the best squad in spain, even with players out on loan, and they’re just too much a mess to capitalize on that. This week will likely be Messi’s last day in a Barca jersey, the only European club he’s ever known, and that’s definitely worth watching if you have time. You all know we don’t love la liga, or barca for that matter, but it’s sad to watch Messi’s relationship with his team deteriorate, and it’s bittersweet to watch him leave (@messi don’t come to psg we need midfielders not strikers).
In Serie A…
Milan continues not to shoot their shot…both literally and figuratively. I swear to GOD if they blow this and Ronaldo gets to play in the UCL again I’m going to be SO ANNOYED. Shout out to Atalanta for just trucking through opponents despite not really having much to play for- they are proving the doubters wrong baby!!! They DO belong in big European soccer! The spiciest (like a coppa, like a gabagool) game this past weekend was Inter Milan vs Juventus- a key match up for Juve to grab some points and a big rivalry (side bar: all the good teams are rivals. it’s always a thing). There were a LOT of penalties awarded (some merited, some not, for example Lukaku got knocked down and that was a penalty, and tbh I think it was awarded because the ref was shook to see such a giant man fall down). Anyway Juve ended up a man down early in the second half and still managed to win. They also won the Italian League Cup & the Coppa D’Italia. @Napoli & @Milan: Y’all gotta get it together, or you’re f*cked!
All the games this week are on Sunday (or, at least, all the games that leagues determine are important to relegation/title races) and you might wonder WHY??? Well, incredible news: EUROVISION IS COMING which IS A SPORT and we WILL BE WRITING ABOUT IT.
In the United States…
You might have heard that MLS just started (and Hartford Athletic, my hometown USL club is doing amazing sweetie!!! This is the year we get promoted!!!!) (uh there are no promotions E but ok), but in every other sport IT’S PLAYOFF SEASON!!!!! Check out our hockey post here, and our NBA breakdown here, so you can sound like a smartie pants when sports are on at the bar that you are at because you’re FULLY VAXXED!!!!!
