One Shining Moment : March Madness Winners and Losers
Just a 110lb 67 year old woman in a men’s XXL tshirt, cutting the net after CUTTING THE RUG at the big dance.
I know, after 3 posts the first week of March Madness, you’re all wondering where we went. Well, we WERE going to do a Sweet Sixteen post…. and then someone (hint there are two sisters so you have a 50/50 shot if you guess) was infected with COVID (everyone is ok! thank you for your concern!) and then we were going to do a Final Four Post but..we went home for Easter and were absorbed by the love of Christ!! (jk we …didn’t have our computers).Anyway as we said in our previous posts, IT’S MARCH so we will NOT be apologizing for any of our takes even if they may have been “wrong”. We’ll just do what all pundits do and pretend we have been saying this the whole time
Now we’re back with a vengeance for your March Madness wrap up. Crazy how fast it goes from 64 to 1!! They grow up so fast (jk they’re already grown ass men, have you seen any of these games?) So here we go…
Winners and Losers of March Madness 2021
WINNER: Pac-12
Everyone dissed the Pac-12 conference at the beginning of March Madness, claiming that it “sucked” and the teams were not competitive, to which I (Katrina)responded at the time 1) I have no comment because me watching the Pac-12 would require me to stay up past 10 pm and y’all know the bedtime policy and 2) I find it difficult to believe any conference literally part of the so-called “Power 5 Conferences” can be trash. For this reason, and because I love me some cute rodents, I had faith in Oregon State who ended up going to the Elite Eight. And while many (rightly) protested that UCLA was better than their 11 seed and play-in game, few could have predicted them blasting their way to the Final Four and almost to the ‘Ship! Like the Pac-man from whom it takes its name, this conference monch monch monched its way almost to VICTORY this year, so that proved all of you wrong! Although we will put a caveat here: it’s pretty hard to call a team like UCLA a “cinderella story” or an “underdog” considering they’re the winningest tourney team.
LOSER: Big 10
It’s really rude when you go to grad school somewhere and they claim to be good at basketball and then they’ve proceeded to suck every year since. I (Katrina) already support ONE long suffering team, I cannot handle another (@ WISCONSIN)! Besides that personal note, let’s look at the facts : the Big Ten entered this tourney with NINE teams (almost 10- no, that’s not the whole conference, because despite the name, there are 12 teams, a fact that Charles Barkley apparently learned this weekend and immediately was disgusted by…as always, Mr. Barkley is a whole ass mood). Guess how many made it to the Sweet Sixteen? ONE. Smh. The pundits will say (after the fact) that these teams “lack NBA quality players” to which we say…Luka Garza anyone? Y’all were up Kofi Cockburns butt for the past two years and now you’re like “but where’s the TALENT”. Here’s our take: the Big 10 spent oto long beating each other up, so the big dance was really more like the Big Last Few Hours of a 24 Dance Marathon. They are the Lorelai Gilmores here.
WINNER: CHARLES BARKLEY
This man is the most relateable commentator in basketball. While it may seem that I may have little in common with the 6 ft 6 Round Mound of Rebound, I cannot help but embrace this man’s takes. His outfits? Fly. His opinions? Fresh. His commentary- well, let me just leave you with these gems
“That big white dude out there getting it done. What? There’s 68 teams in this y’all expect me to know everyone’s name?”
“In 1989 I was poor! Now I’m rich! They call me Mr. Barkley at the bank now!”
Do we know why Charles retreated to the Capital One lounge in the middle of coverage? Well, for a butt massage chair and donuts obviously. Who would NOT?? Shoutout to this king for cutting through the bullshit of the commentary to give us the content we needed. In case you were wondering what it would be like if we had a larger platform: look to Charles, he is our entire energy.
Loser : Digital Ad Sales
Oh my god, you all had one job. I can tell you right now a surefire way to get me NOT to buy ANY products during this broadcast is to show me THE SAME 6 COMMERCIALS 7 TIMES. what ever happened to the Triple S man?? We have some INSIDE insight on this industry and we have to say…it’s inexcuseable!
Winner : Defense
Well, it’s been said before and it will be said again : Defense wins championships and Baylor’s big men certainly proved that on Monday night by stopping the most effective offense in college basketball dead in their tracks. The Bulldogs zigged, they zagged (Get it…they ZAGGED), they could not score for a solid 5 minutes in the first half and while they made several runs, were never able to really come within striking distance of the Bears. (Sad Timme strokes his mustache sadly) At one point Katrina texted me (elena) and was like: Is Gonzaga planning to score at any point? And I was like: Sorry I am asleep because this game STARTED AT NINE FUCKING TWENTY. The closest they came was when they started employing the zone defense, which I cannot endorse as it is the Mark of the Beast (Jim Boeheim).
Loser : Free Throws
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: MAKE. YOUR. FREE. THROWS. It’s a fantastic idea to draw fouls when the clock is ticking and you’re trying to snatch that W, but guess what! You have to convert! There’s a reason why the Jesus teams make it far in this sport (see below, and yes, that was a joke about converting people to your religion, what can we say, the power of easter still courses through our veins!). Shout out to Kofi Cockburn for making like zero FTs all szn but truly making some that actually counted vs. Loyola (but he didn’t do anything else in that game so). But seriously, free throws are FREE POINTS. MAKE THEM.
WINNER: Three Pointers
In case you haven’t heard, this whole “shooting threes” thing is all! the! rage! in the NBA (more details on that here, for those who are tired of READING), and so these college kids are always trying to show off and make them too. Most of the time this doesn’t work out, but when it does, GOLLY IS IT EXCITING. See: Jalen Suggs sinking a 3 to push the Zags past UCLA to the final, the 3pter that pushed Alabama-UCLA into OT (only for them to lose, smh the disrespect to Alex Reese), and, of course, Baylor, the team with the best 3 point record winning the whole thing.
WINNER: Parents
We’re talking about the parents specifically in the stands wearing their child’s faces. I’m not totally positive what to make of this phenomenon because I know I would be absolutely mortified if my fam rolled in like 8 people deep wearing my face on their tshirts but seeing so much parental pride throughout this tournament was pretty dang heartwarming. It also helped that several parents in this tournament were on the court, including (and we will not say that we support this but they did talk about it fucking constantly) Buddy Boeheim’s dad coaching him on Syracuse (cue Katrina rolling her eyes) (f*ck Jim Boeheim all my homies h8 jim Boeheim)and MORE IMPORTANTLY the Mosely Brothers AND FATHER on the USC team. Well he’s an assistant coach, but you get the point. Everyone say thanks mom and dad! Should we print out our parents shirts with me & katrina chugging beer? That is our olympic sport so???
LOSER: Facial Hair
Some will argue this was a tournament of Big Mustache Energy and while that may have been true and glorious for some brief moments in time, here’s our takeaway: A creepy stache à la Cameron Krutwig (the big white dude getting it done, as our man Charles says) is fine and good when you’re winning. Can you imagine sporting a RIDICULOUS handlebar mustache (@DrewTimme) when losing in the Final? Couldn’t be us.
WINNER : God
My queen!!
Has it escaped anyone’s notice that all these upsets, all these Cinderellas… had one thing in common? ALL CHRISTIAN SCHOOLS. We even had an ALL CHRISTIAN FINAL with Baylor (Baptists) vs Gonzaga (Jesuits). And who can forget the most shocking elimination of the tournament- Loyola Chicago Ramblers knocking out the top seeded Illinois in the second round, thanks to Sister Jean’s prayer “ As we play the fighting Illini, we ask for special help to overcome this team and get a great win. We hope to score early and make our opponents nervous. We have a great opportunity to convert rebounds as this team makes about 50% of layups and 30% of its 3 points. Our defense can take care of that…” DO NOT BET AGAINST A 101 YEAR OLD NUN ON A SUNDAY. I want Sister Jean to live forever, but should she not, I hope that one day she becomes the first Patron Saint of Basketball. (I ,Katrina) hereby commit myself to a novena in her name should this happen!) It’s also possible God had extra power during this tournament because the finals of both men & women’s took place so close to (and on) Easter. The real question is: Do you think they could remake the Ten Commandments movie, combining it with Prince of Egypt in a Space Jam-esque nod to God’s power on the court?
LOSER : Equality (feels like equality is always losing in sports is this…a …theme?!?!)
The whole Covid-19 thing kind of served as a good cover-up for two big issues in college sports to hide behind, but we couldn’t get through a whole tournament without gender (in)equality and athlete rights rearing their heads. The viral photos of the v v sad women’s weight rooms compared to the men’s training facilities (and swag packs, and meals)… fam.. it’s not cute. Happy International Women’s Month I GUESS. More generally, both tournaments still skirted around the issue of “is it fair/safe to ask STUDENT ATHLETES to live in a bubble … for our own entertainment… at great personal risk… for no money”. Keep in mind that the men’s tournament generates, on average 800 MILLION DOLLARS for the NCAA each year, and athletes get… 0.
Bonus losers in equality: The constant praise of Oral Roberts as a “hidden gem” and an “incredible story” when their school is actively homophobic, the lack of turnout for a THRILLING women’s final (in comparison to the men’s which, tbh, looked bad for the Zags from about 5 minutes in), and…just overall big exploitation vibes from college sports this year. #NOTNCAAPROPERTY
In conclusion, March 2021 was madness. Maybe not quite as mad as, you know, a global pandemic shutting down the entire world in 2 weeks but…. close? Let us know in the comments how you did on your brackets!
