Soccer in the Snow?
Pre Vax vibe
We’re back! (Tbh we say that for every post but it’s true!) As is the Champion’s League! To be honest a lot of soccer has happened since we last saw you, but unless you count the really tall girl on Stanford accidentally kicking the basketball when her team was struggling to maintain a one point lead in the last 58 seconds of the women’s final, we haven’t watched much of it. (and again, one of us had COVID) But don’t worry, we are sufficiently caught up and ready to get into it.
In the Champions League…
PSG PSG PSG PSG PSG PSG PSG! NOUS SOMMES PARIS!!!!! H8rs will say PSG won because Bayern was playing without Lewandowski but guess what! I don’t CARE! A WIN IS A WIN BEBE. PSG was missing half their midfield (partially because of injury, partially because Paredes was suspended, partially because we actually have no midfield right now as all those players left but that’s a separate issue) and yet they played to a GLORIOUS 3-2 victory as a freaking BLIZZARD poured from the Munich skies. @Munich: It’s april, I’ll accept rain maybe, but get it together, I can’t have Mbappe catching a cold when Verrati ALREADY has COVID (those crazy italian kiddos). Also at this point hasn’t the entire team had COVID? WHERE is the herd immunity for the boys! Also in Champion’s League action this week: Real Madrid stomped Liverpool 3-1 (without having to dislocate Mo’s shoulder in the process), Man City beat Dortmund 2-1 (more on what that means later), and Chelsea beat Porto. I have no takes on those because I am BLINDED BY THE JOY of beating Bayern on their home turf, and also I am in denial about the fact that we have to face them again next week.
In the Premier League…
After a spicy international break where these players scattered across the world to rep their home colors (and prep for Euros which we are hype for despite not condoning their COVID protocols) the EPL was back in action this week and did not disappoint. Unless of course you’re a Chelsea fan. Chelsea lost 5-2 to West Brom (that’s BROM not HAM, brom is the BAD ONE, HAM is the one with the bubble song), completely falling apart at the half. Should Tuchel have taken Thiago Silva (we miss u bb) out when he was playing on a yellow? Probably! Are there a lot of red flags about Christian Pulisic leaving the game (after scoring a GOAL) with a hamstring strain? Yes! This dude cannot stay healthy and he’s younger than us! Anyway West Brom has only scored 25 goals total this season which means 20% of them came from THIS GAME. Other than ruining Tuchel’s unbeaten streak since taking over, the consequences of this game could be big, putting Chelsea out of Champion’s League contention for next year, with Tottenham and Liverpool biting their heels. (as a reminder, the goal is staying in the competition as long as possible, because winning, but also because monayyyy) Speaking of! Liverpool looked back in good shape with a win over Arsenal, as if now that they’ve just given up on defending their title they’re feeling like their old selves again. Also Klopp got new glasses. Spurs…well I don’t have a lot to say for spurs fans at the moment, chins up lads!
In France…
I started listening to a Ligue Un podcast, which I HIGHLY reccommend except for the fact that the dudes are Australian so they sound a bit ridiculous (STRAYA). Despite missing all the matches I feel well caught up and now I am back to being STRESSED about the Title Race! Lille beat PSG this past weekend thanks to some EXCELLENT defense, after losing to them in a cup match before the break. PSG seriously lacks focus in their domestic league right now, losing their last 3 home matches, but France IS in lockdown right now so the fact the the matches are at home doesn’t mean that much. Monaco, on the other hand, is playing some pretty great futbol, and not just like “great for the french league” football I mean like actually exciting to watch and so many people scoring goals. Like…so many. They’re gaining traction, UNLIKE our other L-squad near the top of the table, Lyon, who seem to be struggling and have fallen out of Champion’s League places for the moment. With 7(ish) games left in the season, things are HEATING up so now is the time to tune in and pretend you’ve been watching the whole time (it’s okay, you can use our takes to sound like an expert, we don’t mind).
In Germany…
My Bundesliga podcast decided to…take the week off? Which was…very rude??? Do they expect me to watch all the games and research everything MYSELF??? Well, I did, because I CARE ABOUT YALL. Bayern has sealed up their title with plenty of games to spare which is boring, so boring I actually yawned writing it. I also yawned rereading that. Not boring? Borussia Dortmund drama: after losing to Frankfurt (gooooo hot dogs!) last week, they’re dangerously out of Champion’s League placement, and they’re unlikely to beat Man City over there, so things aren’t looking great re:holding onto superstar Erling Haaland, who rumor has it would fit in really well at City. (Please, please, Erling, go anywhere else) (what do they call this man for short, like ER? Lingy?). Dortmund is now , in the words of my high school APUSH textbook “left with that all dressed up but nowhere to go” feeling, having become a bit of a feeder team for all the other big clubs. They keep on signing young superstars (Christian Pulisic, Jadon Sancho, Haaland), honing their talent and prepping them for the Big Stage, only to have them leave. Someone’s gotta figure out a new strategy over there, because it’s looking pitiful. (also this might have something to do with living in Dortmund? Idk anything about it but it doesn’t seem super fun? Any Germans care to weigh in?)
In Spain…
Speaking of title races! (New drinking game: sip every time Katrina and I get excited about a title race or any drama in a league we literally do not watch) competition is really heating up in Spain. We would be remiss if we didn’t talk about the REAL star of Spanish soccer this past week…..Racism! Is anyone surprised? There was lots of controversy after racial slurs were apparently thrown at a Valencia player, and the squad walked off the field behind him in support (yes kings!!). Although they then came back and played the second half so, much like the MLB moving the All Star game, this is what we call some Style Over Substance activism. ALSO: This weekend is El Classico (which is, as I mentioned previously, The Only Interesting Game in La Liga) which will spice things up even more. (tbt to watching this in the soccer bar in Williamsburg, cry one single tear, then remember the vax is coming and we can go there soon!) While Atletico is still top of the table, they’ve only got a 1pt lead, and to be completely honest, I think Suarez is losing power because it’s been so long since he bit someone. It is entirely possibly that he is like Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body, and needs to kill others in order to remain hot.
In Italy…
In the USA…
What? America? That’s right we’re tagging this one on here not to shed tears about the Men’s team missing yet another Olympics (sorry, men are trash!) but to get you HYPE for NWSL and MLS action. Also, for us Hartford Athletic fans, USL action, or as I like to say, the worst soccer people get paid to play (this is actually not true as there are TWO MORE professional leagues under USL lol so please just imagine that level). Never forget the time that Katrina & I went to an NYCFC- Red Bulls derby (which took place in a baseball stadium lawlz) after living in France and watching REAL SOCCER for a year…not good fam. But the beers were and that’s what counts. (did the family with small children next us appreciate us yelling WHAT IS THIS SHIT? Not so much!) So open a cold one and brace yourself because the MLS season has started and the ladies are just a week away. Cheers!
POST Vax vibe
