Super Bowl LV Winners & Losers

Not to brag but…WE DID IT. WE MADE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE SEASON OF FOOTBALL WITHOUT EVEN COMPLAINING ONCE! We kept a sunny disposition and an optimistic outlook this whole time! Definitely never whined! Definitely did not hate on the NFL even once! and you know what WE LOVED IT!! (ha). Anyway before we move into a blissful seven months without regular season football- if you take a moment here to stop, and listen you might just hear a sweet silence instead of the bone-crunching play-calling ruckus of the last six months— lets talk about some winners and losers of THE BIG GAME, and also of the whole season.

Winner: Aaron Rodgers

Despite not making it to the Super Bowl, Aaron produced an MVP caliber season and then topped it off by proposing to Shailene Woodley??? I am not totally convinced they’ve ever actually met but I love a spicy twist on superbowl eve and I also love him trying to steal the headlines. For the record we liked Shailene when she got her start- playing our favorite pregnant teenager. Aaron will also be winning the title of Guest Jeopardy Host soon, which we can all agree is way better than SuperBowl MVP.

Previously unseen footage of Rodgers proposing

Loser: Tyreke Hill

Bad news for us because we really stan’d (stanned? Stāned?) the @cheetah’s incredible running game, but we have recently been informed that he BEAT UP HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND so this guy did not deserve a super bowl trophy! Also he got dunked on on national tv which we loved. Are we surprised how easily the NFL glossed over his history of a domestic abuser? No! And in a true example of “there are no heroes in this story”, let’s remember that certain Bucs players also have shady pasts cough Antonio Brown cough cough

Winner: Beer

We could not have made it through these many months or even one of these dumb stupid three hour games without some crispy hops by our side so shout out to Peroni, Brooklyn Brewery, and Abita for sponsoring our Sunday afternoons. Also this beer commercial was my favorite (I’m a softie okay!) and this one is very representative of our brand.

Loser: Father Time

Not going to harp on this but Tom Brady is old. Like really old Like 43!!! How does he get up in the morning even!!!!! Also his head coach is 68, the oldest coach ever to win a Super Bowl (Also to get that link I need you to know that I just googled “Bruce Arians is old?). The bucs managed to prove that age is, in fact, just a number, or maybe Tom Brady’s diet of children’s kisses and protein powder is actually the elixir of life. Nobody knows his secrets (because we don’t want to read that TB12 method book or whatever) but Tom Brady proved the doubters (us, proudly, we stand by our dislike of this dude) wrong by looking better every game this season and playing an incredible 60 minutes in SBLV. Someone once said, “Football : you play for 4 quarters, and Tom Brady wins” (paraphrasing) and tbh, they’re right. Coulda saved myself the time and not wasted my Sundays trying to figure this shit out.

Is bringing your 95 year old mother to a super spreader event wise? Probably not! Nevertheless Kay is MY SB MVP

Winner: Turf Toe

As I write this post Patrick Mahomes prepares for Turf Toe surgery, which I can only assume means his foot has physicially transformed into turf (like some type of Jumanji curse) and they have to reverse it. Importantly: Turf Toe is not the sole factor to Mahomes not scoring a single touchdown in the Super Bowl, especially considering that he was suffering from the injury vs. the bills and played incredibly during that game. One could argue the real winner here is the Tampa Bay defense, but that’s boring and saying the words turf toe makes us giggle.

Loser: Shaggy

This commercial is being lauded as ONE OF THE BEST?!?! REALLY?!?!? I love Wasn’t Me as much as anyone who heard it before they had any clue what it could be about SHOULD but that does not mean I want to hear Ashton Kutcher sing. Ever. The amount of cheeto dust in this PRISTINE white house gave me ANXIETY. Also does anyone feel like now every single ad spot has celebrities in it so now it’s…not exciting to see celebrities? It has no wow factor for me anymore.

Winner: The Ever Present Reminder of our own mortality

While we can really identify this as a year long theme (thanks COVID!) and one that definitely is present in the NFL (thanks CTE!) something fun and flirty that was undebniable in this years Super Bowl Ads is that they were NOT afraid to show us the gruesome reality of death! Particularly this one, this one, and this one. Tbh, the Cheez-it SNL skit… would have fit in

Loser: Racism :0 !

Well guys I don’t know if you saw this big NFL spot, but racism is over now! The NFL is giving money to end racism (to who? where? when?), which will definitely solve the systematic racism that the entire sport is built upon, the commodification of black bodies that is reinforced by the language of the sport (also noted here, in regards to futbol), and the long term implications upon the minds of players. The NFL is done with racism! Definitely nothing and no one missing from this ad, don’t worry about it racism is over now. (also, you said you’re donating 250 Million, but also, you bought a SuperBowl ad to tell us that? which costs like 10 mill right there!!)

Winner: THE US OLYMPIC & PARALYMPIC TEAM

If you have one take away from this entire evening, let it be that Jessica Long is FUCKING INCREDIBLE and we are in an OLYMPIC YEAR.RETWEET IF YOU CRIED WATCHING THIS (to be fair i cry a lot lately! Pandemic baby!) There have been some icky Olympic moments lately (oops) and some people still aren’t convinced it’ll happen (I mean, is it responsible? no. Are Japan and the IOC going to let go of the BILLIONS poured into this? NO). We are OLYMPIC FANS here, not because the IOC is a good organization (spoiler alert: corruption is everywhere and bureaucracy is a pit) but because of athletes like Jessica!!! anyway now that football is over we can return to our passion of prepping for the lympics (liv luv lympics) so please brace yourselves.

Loser: COVID Safety

The NFL continued to be relentlessly problematic (a Florida tradition since 1513 baby!) by hosting 25,000 REAL PEOPLE at the Super Bowl. 7,500 of these attendees are vaccinated healthcare workers (1,000 of which traveled! to! be! there!), because this is America and we can not think a better way to honor people who have worked their asses off for the past year than inviting them to a super-spreader event. They also gave them lil gift bags with masks in them which feels…dystopian? As an added bonus, the cardboard cutouts used to make the stadium look full and force people to actually socially distance were sold for $100 each, garnering $3million in revenue that some reported would go to charity but ACTUALLY went to the hosts of the game to make up for “lost revenue”. Because the real takeaway from 2020 was that we lost money. sad!! Papa Joe, please send NFL some of those sweet sweet stimmy checks.

Winner: LADY REF & LADY COACHES

Lady Ref our queen, our goddess, our angel, made an appearance in Sunday’s game and was the FIRST LADY EVER TO REF A SUPERBOWL. As commentator Jim Nantz said, “and she’s actually pretty talented!’ wow!! Glad to know those ovaries and female hormones didn’t affect her reffing abilities; I was concerned.Please transition to only lady refs, all the time, thank you!

Also representing the ladies on sunday: not one but TWO coaches on the Bucs, Maral Javadifar & Lori Locust, the first women coaches ever to win a super bowl. #bossbabes ok! If women can do this, what CAN’T they do?? What’s next, the presidency? (nah haha jk)

Loser: All of the audience when CBS wouldn’t show the fan on the field

@CBS we receive SUCH LITTLE JOY why would you take this fan away from us. WHY. Particularly when he made it to the end zone, something the Chiefs failed to do for the entire game (BURN).

Winner: Amanda Gorman

Was this pandering? trying to capitalize off of the inauguration hype? of course. But we do stan a queen and as former liberal arts majors, think this sport could use a bit more poetry!

Loser: THE BOSS???

After refusing to be in commercials for YEARS (like this is a well-known thing!), BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN that’s right BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN America’s hero, defender of justice and maker of absolute BANGERS, WAS IN A TERRIBLE COMMERCIAL TELLING US THAT WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER WITH NAZIS. No but like, actually : "It's no secret the middle has been a hard place to get to lately, between red and blue, between servant and citizen, between our freedom and our fear.Now fear has never been the best of who we are, and as for freedom, it's not the property of just the fortunate few, it belongs to us all. Whoever you are, wherever you're from, it's what connects us, and we need that connection. We need the middle," Weirdly enough, I just don’t have it in me to find a middle ground with fascists. This was truly felt like a punch in the gut, but luckily for Springsteen, he wasn’t the only Bruce saying crazy stuff this week.

Winners:

You all for reading this blog! You won access to exclusive TOP level content and I’m sure you have 0 regrets

Losers :

Us, for foolishly thinking we needed to watch and learn about football to write this blog. Turns out, IT WAS RIGGED ALL ALONG!!

P.S. If you think this post was long, try watching football for an entire season.