The 55th Annual Academy Awards!
WELCOME TO YOUR SUPERBOWL LV BRIEFING
Ladies and gents, it’s happening. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. After all these long months and interminable days spent in front of the TV…it’s finally happening. FOOTBALL IS ABOUT TO END!!!! (What will we even talk about?!) But not before the biggest hype session ever. You know how people talk about stuff in other sectors like “ This is the SUPER BOWL OF BAKING COMPETITIONS”? Well, turns out, this is the event all those metaphors were referencing! If you’re only going to watch one game a year (and I am yet to be convinced of a reason why you’d watch more than one, tbh), make it this one!
THE PLOT:
As you all know, every sports game has to have a good theme to really get the plot going (especially in football since the actual gameplay is so boring!). This year, the theme is OLD VS NEW: Tom Brady aka “The GOAT” vs Patrick Mahomes aka “The Kid”. This game is being marketed as a showdown between the aging Brady who will be playing in a record TENTH Super Bowl and the yung upstart and reigning champ Mahomes. Expect lots of comments on how the game has changed since Brady’s first Superbowl and questions about Mahomes himself becoming “the Brady of his generation”. If you’re feeling fiesty, drink any time this theme comes up (disclaimer you may not make it past the first quarter). Some might argue the game is ALSO about the 400 other players on the field, but we’re not sure about that.
THE CAST LIST
Your leading man : Kansas City Chiefs (starring Patrick Mahomes)
The Chiefs are known for their INCREDIBLE offense and this game promises to be no different. Look for Mahomes to just drill the ball (ha) and rack up the points, and avoiding blitzes like he read the Art of War. You’ll probably see him passing to receiver Tyreek Hill (@cheetah), who scored 3 touchdowns vs the Bucs in regular season, in a game where KC showed the scariest parts of their offense. The Chiefs are also the reigning champs, so they’re looking to defend their title. And, in case you forgot, in addition to Hill they also have tight end, potential Offensive Player of the year and Golden Globe Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series Nominee Travis Kelce in their repertoire. That’s called RANGE sweetheart.
Your leading lady : Tampa Bay Buccaneers starring Tom Brady
We could spend this space talking about how in one season, TB has taken TB from the back of the league to the Super Bowl (if you think this is a total coincidence and not at all RIGGED I’m sry to inform you the lizard people have already won you over). But you all already know that. Tampa is good (sometimes, but not always), they have the dynamic and very hetero duo of Tom and Gronk (a man who MULTIPLE people I know have met on a plane? Like why does this man still fly commercial, he’s a giant). Is this Tom’s LAST SUPER BOWL? Speculation abounds! Tom Brady is famous for saying his favorite SB Ring is “the next one” so we’ll see if this old dog can still keep up his old tricks. The Bucs will look to capitalize on injuries to the depleted Chiefs offensive line (who lost one dude to an achilles tear vs. Bills, one dude early on in the season, and one dude, now famously, to the War On Covid), like they did to the Packers just a few weeks ago. However, they’ll have to do more than force turnovers to win this game, and is KC pulls ahead they’re not likely to take their foot off the gas.
Supporting actor : The Weeknd
The Weeknd will be headlining the halftime show (a major reason many people watch, and almost certainly more entertaining than the rest of the game- actual proof of this is that Halftime viewership #s are higher than that of the game, consistently!!!) I’ve actually seen the Weeknd in person (yes I, Katrina, was once COOL) and he’s pretty good live. Of course, there won’t be any guests most likely because, COVID, but given the Weeknd’s recent wild appearances (his new album is a CONCEPT guys it’s a COMMENTARY) who knows what the show will end up being like. I mean who EVER knows what a halftime show will be like, am I right @JustinTimberlake? (BTW If you’re looking to get angry, google how Janet Jackson paid for the infamous nip slip and JT got away scot free. I love it here!)
The Ensemble
25 000 fans and 30 000 cutouts (lmao) will be attending this year’s bowl, approximately 1/3 of which will be vaccinated healthcare workers. Which, like, sure, I guess that’s a nice gesture but tbh is this really what the healthcare workers are asking for? They just spent a year on COVID wards with limited PPE, but sure, give them tickets to the Super Bowl, that’ll make up for it. Commish is saying “These dedicated health care workers continue to put their own lives at risk to serve others, and we owe them our ongoing gratitude.We hope in a small way that this initiative will inspire our country and recognize these true American heroes. This is also an opportunity to promote the importance of vaccination and appropriate health practices, including wearing masks in public settings." Ok sounds like a lot of talk and little action color us f*cking surprised. Once again, the NFL /CBS could do better. They should just make this a big vaccination party instead! On the bright side, there will be less pre-superbowl giant rave pool parties, we hope.
The Theater
For the first time ever, the Super Bowl will take place in one of the teams’ stadiums- TAMPA. Why? because this is rigged. If you had any doubt, do you think it’s a COINCIDENCE that one of the only states where it’s warm AND they let you do whatever in terms of COVID? IT IS NOT. But I will say, in terms of scenery, their big ass pirate ship is pretty dope. (Quick disclaimer from our lawyers: apparently the locations are decided “years in advance”…still seems sus that the Bucs haven’t made the playoffs in 12 years and then they do and they make the superbowl in their OWN stadium???? Combine that with the fact that the TB Lightning won the stanley cup despite coming from a TROPICAL LOCATION and the Tampa Bay Rays almost won the World Series? RIGGED)
CRITICS ARE SAYING :
The EXPERTS are all betting on the Chiefs to win, but of course, they worship everything TB does, so if the game starts going his way, I am sure they will change their tunes. Again- if the Bucs can’t keep the game in reach throughout the first half, they’re not going to have a chance to catch up. KC just does not not score.
And now, a word from our sponsors…
Many people who think they’re cool or cynical will tell you they “just watch the super bowl for the ads”. Superbowl commercials are some of the most expensive ad time on TV and we have some time honored classics (Budweiser floofy horses!). This year is going to be a bit different, starting with those Floofy horses, who decided to forfeit their ad time and use their (pre-purchased) spots to run PSAs about vaccination and COVID-19 safety. Nothing but respect for MY president! (yes, we live under the rule of Budweiser in this house). Commish, take notes.
As if she didn’t do enough for us this year (Vaccine! CHRISTMAS IN THE SQUARE!) Dolly Parton keeps on giving and partnered with Squarespace (our ACTUAL sponsor lol this is a squarespace site! @squarespace hit us up) to make a remix of her classic "9 to 5" talking about THE (side) HUSTLE. I mean we do not stan the glorification of a capitalist system that demands thankless labors from the masses and rewards them with only more labor but we do stan Dolly Parton. Truly we do not deserve this queen.
If you are a) absolutely not interested in this football game or b) looking for a concrete reason to call in sick Monday or even c) longing for an excuse to use alcohol to RESPONSIBLY turn off your brain for a little while, we recommend following the rules of our NFL Drinking game AND adding in a few SUPER BOWL SPECIAL SIPS:
1) As mentioned, drink every time the battle of Brady vs Mahomes is discussed (I’ve been drunk for two weeks!)
2) Drink every time an ad spot mentions “these trying times” or any vague reference to COVID
3) Drink every time an ad spot calls for us to “come together”. Like??? We’re all sitting around, eating wings, watching men bash their heads into one another, but actually this is an opportunity to sow the seeds of national unity, sure.
Anyways, cheers to football being (almost) over! Cheers to making it through a very rough season that “no one thought would happen this year” (Drink).
