GEAUX VOTE- NFL Week 8
Celebrating the last week of football before the country implodes.
There is one question on everyone’s mind today: Where was my week 7 Saturdays Are For the Girls recap???? How can our country expect to move forward with these unknowns looming over us?! Well, our answer is simple: We took a bye week. Bye weeks, for those who don’t know, are like vacation days to rest up tired players (or in our case, tired livers), and honestly, none of the games from last week were interesting enough to talk about. Instead we sat around and poured one out for Ryan Fitz-Magic’s starting position, thinking about all the times we’d been benched over the years. Speaking of being benched, we are pouring one out for the 49ers season, as they announced Italian Stromboni Giuseppe Maglione Garoppolo will be out for at least 6 weeks (ankle) and Georgie Kittle, Iowa’s sweetheart, will be joining him in rehab (also ankle). Big yikes.
But this week isn’t about being the last one picked in gym class! Let’s talk about some STARS.
Tua made his debut as a starter for Miami with a solid performance and notched a dub against the Rams, which was not a slam dunk. He also got hit for the first time since his big ol injury, and said he…enjoyed it? So I guess whatever you’re into bud, we don’t kink shame here.
Last highlight before game recaps: Today, (Tuesday, November 3rd) is a VERY important date. It’s trade deadline day! But a lot of blockbuster trades got pushed through last week so that new players could meet COVID isolation protocols, which meant that we were treated to some early trade deadline presents. The Bucs (aka Tom Brady disguised as the Bucs recruiters) announced they’re signed Noted Bad Boy Antonio Brown, who Tom just like ~really clicked with last year, during his brief stint @New England. Why didn’t that go anywhere? Does anyone remember? OH, RIGHT, HE WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND MISCONDUCT. Apparently, as the commenters harped on during MNF, football is “a business” and they “must pursue the best players” which totally makes sense. I guess we can look the other way for abusers and criminals, but not for anyone who makes a political statement (*cough, @jerry jones). We’re not saying AB isn’t a good buy, but let’s not forget what he did last summer, k? Ok onto the hours we spent as couch potatoes:
Vikings 28 Packers 22
OPE DERBY. If I were the 49ers, I would be wetting my pants thinking about facing off against Aaron Rodgers, post-Ope-Derby-loss, without most of my starting offense. Aaron will have an axe to grind after this loss to the Vikings, who took off in the second half snatching up a fumble, a lot of penalty yardage, and scoring touchdown after touchdown. The first half was kind of an Oprah-style offensive trade-off, but clearly the Vikings were inspired by how fucking cold it was in bumfuck Wisconsin, channeled their ancestors, and turned it up to secure the W.
Saints 26 Bears 23
Michael Thomas WHO? This was the first Saints game I’ve watched all season where the gaping hole in our offense was patched up, mostly thanks to my king and easily-the-best-player-thank-god-he-has-a-new-contract, Alvin Kamara (nickname still needs workshopping). Will Lutz missed a field goal, but it wasn’t his fault, because in case you haven’t heard Chicago is a WINDY city (and something about the dude holding the ball not spinning it). Anyway Nick Foles and his Bears were playing incredibly shitty football for the entire first half, and then started playing marginally less shitty football, enough so that they tied the game and forced OT. Because being a Saints fan is pain. What WAS thrilling was that Sean Payton received my request for more exciting plays, and decided to go for it not only on one, not on two, but on THREE fourth downs. Which was one too many tbh but whatever WE WON WE’RE WINNERS AND WE’RE COMING FOR YOU TOMPA BRADY.
Eagles 23 Cowboys 9
This was Katrina’s game this week, but as she is resting up ahead of a day being a Poll Worker HERO tomorrow, I asked her to give me the Cliff’s Notes. Her takes were that this game was “literally the worst”, because “both teams played like absolute shit” (in case you forgot the Cowboys are now down 2 QBs after losing luck of the irish to our old foe, Concussion protocol, and the Eagles are just…uninspired). At the end of the first half, the score was in single digits, not because of any all star defenses, but because the Cowboys were determined to NOT score any touchdowns (2 games in a row now). We’re not totally sure how the Eagles pulled together a win, because Katrina “turned it off not because it was late” (there’s a first for everything). but because she and the boyfriend were “utterly disgusted”. That’s right we know enough about football to know when it’s bad now!
Bucs 25 Giants 23
On an Election Day Eve edition of MNF, it was actually pretty soothing to numb my brain with some dudes crashing into each other, and watching Tom Brady fail to score a touchdown in the first half was just gravy. I spent half this game assuming the Bucs just have a shitty defense, and that’s how the Giants we’re doing so well (for example on one drive where they made 3 first downs in 3 plays), but guess what! It turns out the Bucs have a TOP RATED DEFENSE. Which they did remind me of about 2 minutes into the second half when Jones threw two interceptions. Then, in the ONLY APPROPRIATE SCENARIO FOR THIS PLAY they scored a touchdown and went for a 2pt conversion to try to force overtime. No they did not succeed, because the NFL scriptwriters need Brady to win, because, ratings.
THE NFL VOTES
That’s right if you watched ZERO football this morning you missed the opportunity to watch football players telling you to vote!!! If you haven’t already, go hit the polls, because unlike CJ Gardner Johnson, they don’t hit back.
We’ll see you next week, unless we’re in civil war bunkers (just kidding, kinda) for more hot takes. No more byes, we promise! Unless we get tired of this trash and choose to watch cornhole instead.
