The Shoe is on the Other Foot(ball)
Did y’all miss us? After the Superbowl, Katrina and I did what every champion does: we went on vacation, to disney world!!!!!!!
Just kidding can you imagine going on vacation in the middle of a pandemic? Could. Not. Be. Me.
Anyway the overwhelming majority of our fans have asked (read: approximately 2 people) what we will be talking about on the blog now that football is “over” (yet I listened to two podcasts in the past week about the NFL smh. The amount of content created around this sport is OVERWHELMING), and we are here to assuade your fears- we will give you hot takes! While we would love to pivot to talking about the Olympics (which may or may not go on), or the Euros (which really should be talking about creating a bubble) or even March Madness (stay tuned for next week!!!!!!) these are all still a little too far off to break down for you, so we are returning to our great love of football (fūtbol). You might remember in August, when we told you there was a valid reason to crack open a beer at 7am on a Saturday morning (are we starting to sound like alcoholics? Who cares! it’s a pandemic baby, it’s 5 o’clock..always), but in a stunning turn of events we can inform you that soccer (which we use interchangeably with football and futbol because we. are. not. elitist.) is STILL HAPPENING.
Just to put a disclaimer out there for people who may think it hypocritical that we are willing to keep up with nearly 5 soccer leagues that have like…15 games each every week, we would like to point out that compared to the american football 1) these games are 90 minutes. 2) there are no commercials! Can you imagine! and 3) there is a significantly lower risk of head injury & CTE (although for some players, cough NEYMAR cough cough, it is still impossible to make it a season without injury).
Let’s talk soccer!
In the Champions League: UCL action returned last week after way too long of a break, for some spicy Round of 16 Drama. For those who don’t know, the Round of 16 is played in 2 legs, with each team hosting a game (or if it’s in 2020, teams host one leg and then everything shuts down) If each team gets a win, putting them even on points, the team with the better Goal Differential advances, with away goals counting more than home goals (because, home field advantage, though, it must be argued, does this exist if you have no fans). Yes, it’s a little complicated but hey, we figured out what a Safety is, we can keep up with some goals! Despite troubles in their home leagues, both PSG and Liverpool (if you’ve been keeping up, you’ll remember those are our BOYZZ) had great wins this week, with the Parisians (mostly mbappe) knocking down Messi & the rest of Barcelona (is there anyone else on that team? Well, if there is, they’re going to be sold off due to crushing club debt), and the Liverpudlians aka the Scouse (hilarious names) beating former semifinalists Leipzig. Ronaldo’s Juventus lost to Porto, and Dortmund beat Sevilla, which were both games I neither watched nor cared about. This week, Bayern (reigning champions) stomped on some Italians, and Chelsea eked out a 1-0 win over Atletico thanks to a goal from our favorite Eurotrash striker Olivier Giroud. In case you ever forget: french people have the frenchest names. They’re never like “Pierre Dubin”, they are always “Guillaume Etienne Duchamp Boulverdier de Beauvois” (can confirm). Anyway Chelsea’s away win is not enough to secure their advancement yet, neither was Real Madrid’s 1-0 victory over Atalanta, a team that I cannot help but root for. Man City also won, but, whatever.
In the Premier League: Defending champions Liverpool have had a really rough go of it as of late, breaking their 68-unbeaten streak at home by losing to Burnley (who is that Idk), failing to sign or incorporate a solid centerback into the mix (we miss Virgil too but, it’s time to move on babe), and, this past weekend, losing the Merseyside Derby to Everton, (at home, for the first time since like…1999?) leaving them clawing at 6th place. Players & Jurgen Klopp have conceded they’re “not championship material” and there is a serious confidence problem on the pitch. Katrina and I are willing to offer self esteem seminars if needed! Up at the ACTUAL top of the table is Man City (cue a chorus of boos), who have looked pretty incredible the past few weeks despite missing some key forwards. Man United is in second, 10pts back, but have looked a little too shaky to contend their local rivals for the top spot. A surprise addition in the top four is West Ham, who is having an INCREDIBLE season after nearly being relegated last year, and who we STAN because they blow bubbles at their games. (and because they’re featured in the second-greatest football movie ever).
In Ligue 1: PSG failed to create any great opportunities on goal and lost 2-0 to Monaco on Sunday, showing that Maurcio Poch is here for European success and that’s about it (relatable, am I right Spurs fans?). PSG only has 2 modes: MBAPPE MOTORING to victory or …aimlessly wandering around trying to remember what we do on this big green rectangle. PSG is third in the table, above Monaco by only 2pts and trailing Lille & Lyon. The league only gets 2 Champions League spots so right now, if PSG doesn’t shape up, they’ll be stuck in the Europa league next year which is…not great, but they’re not THAT far behind, so we’re not concerned. Angel Di Maria (aka Dobby) is currently out with some kind of injury, as is Neymar (which seems to always happen to the Brazilian superstar around the time of Carnival, just saying).
Me looking to heaven for the end of this pandemic like
In Italy, Germany, and Spain: In our paternal homeland (*insert italian hand gesture here*), a league most famous for being outrageously racist, Ronaldo has failed to make the fact that he has scored against every single team in the league translate to more than a 3rd place standing. On top is Inter Milan and AC Milan, who just feel to me like rich kids who’s parents paid for them to have really good tutors so that they aced the SAT.
Bundesliga sweethearts Borussia Dortmund are desperate to hold on to budding star Haaland, as he eyes a trade to Bayern Munich (he also got fined for celebrating with fans over the weekend, which was COVID unfriendly but warmed my heart). Bayern continues to be unstoppable as long as they have Lewandowski, but need to find a solid replacement for Thomas Mueller, which will be pretty tough considering that’s already like the most German name ever.
In Espana, The Messi drama continues to be messy. I am not proud of that attempted pun. Barcelona is drowning in financial mishaps, and know that no one will care about them once Messi leaves. In Madrid, Atletico has been reborn with help from chomper Luis Suarez, (not only does he chomp but also he’s racist!) and Real is seriously missing Karim Benzema (famous for his love of blackmail!) and Sergio Ramos (famous for being a disney villain). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I have never met a Sergio that was not the embodiment of evil. Then again, none of the guys we just cited are… role models.
If you’re mad we lumped three leagues into one section: send us interesting news or give us a reason to adopt a team! We’re limited but we’re also attention whores and will do anything for you to read our content. But also keep in mind uh we don’t have unlimited access to all these games (i am looking at YOU peacock!!)
In the future soccer powerhouse UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Ashlyn Harris & Ali Krieger brought home a BABY, which isn’t soccer news (yet! until she grows up into the next Mia Hamm!) but was important for everyone to know.
You can expect a weekly soccer round up from us dropping on Thursdays (with varying intensity depending on.. our interest level, which you know, does vary greatly. SQUIRREL!) and for those who prefer hand sports, we’ve got you covered with basketball content coming next week. In the meantime, check out this NBA round up and prep for baseball season with this episode of the ESPN Daily. Cheers!
New mums with the future soccer star!
