Man Buns & Meme Battles
Hello and welcome to the month of march! A year ago Katrina and I had tickets to attend a sporting event IN PERSON, but now we just sit in our separate apartments and wistfully write about them. (Truly like, Imagine two girls GETTING TICKETS FOR AN EVENT on March 8th and actually thinking, yep this Saturday we’ll be courtside. I long for the naïvété!! Who were those girls!! Idk but I miss them) I mean, not that we would currently be attending PSG games anyway (GOD I WISH), but that’s besides the point. Ok, anyways, on to the sports!
In the champion’s league:
SIKE. No UCL this week because everyone is too busy playing A MILLION GAMES in their respective domestic leagues. Remember, Champions League happens kind of when these leagues have an off week.Teams are also facing big decisions about their players heading out for national team call ups, with World Cup Qualifiers quick approaching. Not to insult the athleticism of other sports, but it is absolutely bonkers to think about the fact that in, say, the NFL they play 1 (one!) game per week, get bye weeks, and are competing in only one league (not to mention that they play intensely for like…30 seconds then stop for another 10 min). Most soccer teams compete in a domestic league, that league also typically has 1-2 other competitions (for example, fun lil outings like the FA Cup, the French Cup, etc- the game where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter), then there are the European leagues (UCL, Europa leagues) and if your players are any good they also have to put in time with their national team. WILD! Not to sound too much like the child of two lawyers, but working out the contracts must be insane.
In the Premier League:
The word Man, most often followed by City or United in the EPL, instead renewed its companionship with a longtime friend of soccer players: BUN. That’s right, the power of the man bun has RETURNED, perched atop the dome of Welshman Gareth Bale. Bale returned this year to the Spurs after falling in love with Spain like a junior who studied abroad and “loved the culture” (read: loved the clubs, the siestas and the free-flowing cervetha baby), and had an incredible game this past weekend with 2 goals and an assist. Man City remains unbeaten in 21 games, which is baffling considering they’re still in contention for both the FA Cup and the Carabao Cup (neither of which matter really) and, of course, the Champion’s League. And I thought I was tired!!!! Meanwhile at Chelsea, who adopted former PSG German Vader Thomas Tuchel as their coach and have been unbeaten (mostly getting ties) since, the team lacks pizzazz. Tuchel has played mostly defensive strategy, which is wild considering he’s coming from a team that is built around its strikers (you know, NEYMAR?!?!). Tuchel also has REJECTED (we think) Captain America Christian Pulisic, who is, like many teenage boys rebelling, growing a beard in protest. In other team drama, midfielder and French national team star N’golo Kanté (mais comment il s’appelle? this joke is for no one but me but we are KEEPING IT IN) once refused a potential transfer to PSG while Tuchel was coaching there and now…is playing for Tuchel. Is that like, awk, at team dinners? At the bottom of the table, Sheffield United notched up a win against Aston Villa wednesday, which doesn’t mean they WON’T be relegated, but it’s nice to win like…once. Newcastle, the girl who almost got asked to prom by the Saudi Prince, is dangerously poised for relegation as well.
In France: PSG dunked on Dijon 4-0 with goals from our collective boyfriend Kylian Mbappe, and notched another win today against Bordeaux, who is hilariously sponsored by a grocery store . They remain in second place behind Lille, who have not lost a match since early January. Listen, we are PSG fans, but we also love a little competition, and it is good for the league if someone other than Paris gets a little attention (esp as OM is like…imploding).
In Germany: I listened to 1 episode of a Bundesliga podcast, and other than the name of every single team sounding the same to me, I learned a TON and am now an expert. Not that I have watched any Bundesliga games since last year, when they were the only non-NASCAR sport on TV. The big match this week will be between Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich, which is once again a story of teams who have TOO MANY GAMES TO PLAY. Dortmund is still contending in Germany’s cups, and the Champions League, while Bayern solely has the Champion’s league and thus will have their players more rested for this top of the table clash. If this seems like a theme, it is! Players everywhere are running their toes off with these crammed COVID schedules! In other Bundesliga tea, apparently the team Schalke is falling apart quicker than a Real Housewives reunion. They’ve lost multiple high level staff members, including a manager who supposedly refused to learn player’s names. Although, I once let a soccer coach call me uh-LAH-nuh for two years without correcting him, so is the coach really to blame? Anyway, Schalke (speaking of pronounce, this is said SH AL KUH because no silent e in German? )is a very old and once great (ish) club that has basically falling apart and they are one big loss away from flipping a table, Guidice style.
In Spain: Barcelona continues to be the messiest drunk bitch at the party, as the police raided club offices this past week and then promptly arrested former club prez Josep Maria Bartomeu. Currently several hopefuls (read: rich white guys) are campaigning to be new president of the club, which IMO is kinda like attempting to become captain of the Titanic, post-iceberg. This is a big deal though like they have campaign posters up in Barcelona?? Seems like more people will vote on this than the independence referendum. On the pitch there is just as much drama, particularly between Barça and Sevilla due to a MEME BATTLE (now this is the content we are here for!!). Barça beat out Sevilla on Wednesday to advance in the Copa del Rey (yes, there are too many cups) but this came after Sevilla savagely came for Barça with this Mbappe meme:
The Barca player above happens to be their captain Pique (ancient at the ripe ol age of 34). They put Sevilla in their place with a one-two punch, and by that I mean a missed penalty, a ton of red cards, and a last minute goal that sent them to victory. Oh, and then they clapped back with a meme. (honestly, I hope they realize these memes are…. kinda weak)
In Italy: I remain mostly disinterested in Serie A but this article about Juventus willing to “die on the pitch” before forfeiting the league title is 100% worth the read. Italians NEVER FOLD. Juv also signed young american Weston McKennie (who they’ve had on loan from the drowning Schalke), which is great news for the future of US soccer! Also, if you’ve been asleep you might have missed that one of futbol’s MANY Bond-Villianesque personalities, Zlatan Ibrahimovic (famous for giving LA the gift of…himself, then leaving to come out of retirement) is feuding with Lebron James over whether athletes should “stick to sports”. Lastly, tangentally related to the sport itself, Roma is “removing animals from crests” to “promote wildlife awareness” and like, I love animals too but is that the NUMBER ONE ISSUE right now???? Is that even the number one issue in football right now?
As you can tell, the main story in soccer is that…there is a lot of soccer going on. Leagues have struggled in recent years to balance a humane schedule for players with their lust for money from content creation, and I am sure you can guess which is winning out! We’re telling you this so you can sound smart: the schedules of fixtures (which is what the brits like to call games) is jam freakin packed. Between injury and outright exhaustion, this is the time in these VERY LONG seasons that a lot of teams start to fall apart, and it also happens to be RIGHT when shit starts to matter. Keep a close eye on teams like Bayern, who should play well since they’re well rested, and Man City, who somehow have been…unstoppable despite fatigue.
Somewhat tangentially related, but in WOMEN’s soccer news… stunning, smart, savvy superstar Alex Morgan and some impressive frens (Simon Manuel, Sue Bird, Chloe Kim) just launched a new media and commerce company called TOGETHXR . Their new initiative aims to respond to a lack of women’s sport coverage in the media (hey! kinda like our blog!) and hopes to elevate women’s voices in other sectors as well. Incredible! Ladies, we ARE available to consult or create content, just let us know!
Got questions? Concerns? Wants us to find you a team that matches your personality (for example our golden retriever ares is, for obvious reasons, an Aston Villa stan)? Let us know in comments. We’ll be back to talk basketball this weekend, until then, cheers!
