SUPER BOWL LVI: The Finish Line
Everything You Need to Know Ahead of the Super Bowl
We may be spending all day every day watching the Olympics right now, but believe it or not there is STILL MORE FOOTBALL to happen, and in fact, it is maybe the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL of all, the Super Bowl. And even though Katrina and I painstakingly watched a thousand hours of football this year to arrive at this point, it doesn’t actually matter if you watched the Bears beat the Bengals in Week 2, because we can update you on everything we learned. Who’s Joe Burrow anyway? Isn’t this the Chargers Stadium? How does one REACH the Superbowl? All this and more, plus several phrases you can say at any given super bowl party to make someone mansplaining this dumb sport to you raise their eyebrows and think “Wow, turns out you don’t need to know who the Quarterback for the Rams was in 2002 to watch this thing”. As for our loyal readers who are already up to date on the basics: We’ve got juicy deets and hot takes for you too, we promise.
The Breakdown
If last Sunday you looked around and noticed there wasn’t the sweet scent of Buffalo Wings floating through the air, and you we’re like, wait, where the football? You’re not alone! It’s a tad confusing, considering the AFC and NFC championships were a MILLION YEARS AGO (two weeks), but there is always a week off in the middle (for the Pro Bowl aka the All Star game, which is trash, no one watches), and because this was The Longest NFL Season Ever™, here we are, in MID FEBRUARY. February 13th to be exact, Valentine’s Day Eve, and what says love more than a game that will consist of Joe Burrow getting sacked probably 10 times? The game is even set to kick off at 6:30pm, just in time for your romantic dinner (the contents of which WILL be covered in this blog post). Now you may assume that this game starting at 6:30pm means it will end at an appropriate time, but right off the bat we would like to encourage you to keep your expectations low, remember this is rigged, and it’s actually not about the game at all it’s about the commercials, and that’s not me “not caring about football” that’s my professional opinion as Someone Who Works In Sports Advertising. The last detail in setting the scene: Super Bowl LVI is hosted by Stan Kroenke, an evil man who owns the Rams and scammed his way into getting Home Field advantage at the biggest game of the season. Congrats to LA, you’re once again the center of attention!
Pause For Snacks
The reason why most of us are here! From wings to jalapeno poppers to an array of creamy dips, this is the Super Bowl of appetizer season baby!!!! ('“This is the Super Bowl of *insert thing here*” is a joke format I will use approximately one hundred times before the end of Sunday night) In our field of expertise, we feel qualified to recommend the following: A spinach artichoke dip to die for. Queso for the gods. You will need to acquire wings (I’ll be honest, it’s just not worth it to make them), and I must recommend you throw in a finger food - Pigs in a blanket, jalapeno poppers (did someone say poppers?), nachos, or even mozzi sticks. That’s right this is a sports blog with gossip segments and the occasional cooking feature. WE DO IT ALL. Let us know your TOP SUPERBOWL SNACK in comments.
The Rams
Speaking of Stan’s Rams, say hello to your NFC Champions! The Rams made it here by spending a buttload of cash and going ALL IN on this season. All this started over the summer when they traded Jared Goff (Young, Hot, Bad Last Year) for Matthew Stafford (from the Detroit Lions, which is a Famously Bad team, also he’s 34, which is OLD), a SHOCKING move that made people think: Are just going to go for it…right now? Answer: Yes! By giving away draft picks for that trade, the Rams said YOLO, No Day But Today, Die Young by Ke$ha, etc, etc. They decided they wanted to Pass The Ball, hence Stafford, and it hasn’t ALWAYS been a Smooth ride this season, but here we are. The Rams were often overrated, but they’ve done everything they could to add weapons to their arsenal throughout the season: snagging an unhappy Odell Beckham Jr. from the Browns, rehabbing Cam Akers in record time to assure they had the best of their bench, and scooping up Von Bell to add to their already strong defense. Keep an eye on Jalen Ramsey, who’s job will be to shut down Ja’marr Chase for the entire game (and he’s expected to nail it). Strategic mastermind Coach Sean McVay (the youngest ever to coach in a super bowl at 33) has worked with some of the best programs in the game, and has proven himself this season. It’s a WIN NOW attitude, and that attitude has driven them straight to the top.
More specifically, they made it here by beating the San Francisco 49ers two weeks ago in the NFC Championship, which the Media will tell you was the expected outcome, but it was actually a close game. Did the 49ers deserve to win, considering their Quarterback Giuseppe Bellissimo Sbagliato Tagliatelle Garoppolo made outrageous mistakes through the season playoffs game, bottling it on their last play? Maybe not, but Deebo Samuel, their top Wide Receiver/ Running Back/ Entire Offense did his best to bring them there, and it was tough to watch them lose. This win was monumental for the Rams, who hadn’t beat the 49ers all season (actually not at all in their last five match ups), and recently lost to them in Week 18. Riding that high and camping out at their home base (which, yes, they share with the Chargers, because living without roommates is expensive!), the Rams are sitting in So Fi Stadium just waiting for their next challenge.
HALFTIME
In a last ditch effort to prove it’s not possible for them to be racist, and in true commitment to the bit of this Super Bowl being in LOS ANGELES, Halftime is a who’s who of California rap legends, including Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre and Kendrick Lamar. Also, Mary J Blige & Eminem will be there, and that has yet to be explained, but I love that for them! We are sad to report that we are predicting a much less meme-able performance from this group, so don’t waste time scrolling through twitter searching for the newest gif to make your little halftime joke. It won’t be Shakira sticking out her tongue or the Weeknd lost in a tunnel, but it will probably be a solid performance.
The Bengals
As someone who would never underestimate the Crown Prince of Cincinnati, Duke of Baton Rouge Jeaux Burreaux, I am not shocked that we’re here, but to be honest, pretty much everyone is. If the Rams came into this season with a Win Now or Die Trying attitude, the Bengals game plan was more of a Maybe Let’s Not Have Our Franchise QB Get Another Season Ending Injury vibe. But Joe Burrow has had swag since elementary school, and he’s not the type of dude to wait until everyone else is ready for him to win. The Bengals front office may have a five year plan in the works, but the fellas on the field have been asking one question since week one: Why not us? Instead of waiting to build ourselves into a great team, why not play as if we already are one? And for most of the season, they have. They won their division (beating rivals like the Ravens and the Steelers by 20+pts) and, though there were a few slip ups (did I mention they lost to the Jets), they embodied the chaotic energy of the AFC all year long. Joe Burrow fell in love with his LSU bestie Ja’marr Chase, and the duo linked up for an insane number of beautiful catches and impossible runs. Even when he was sacked by the Titans 9 times in the divisional round, Joe and the Bengals persisted, their defense remaining creative, which will be essential against the Rams. Against the Chiefs in the AFC Championship game, they benefited from the opposing defense throwing everyone they could at Chase to cover him, opening up a ton of other options on offense, but it’ unclear if that will be the case with LA. Listen, does anyone think the Bengals will win? No. But that is the kind of environment in which these Ohio boys THRIVE.
We personally will be rooting for Cincinnati (because as a Saints fan I can’t root for the Rams), for all the reasons already listed but ALSO because Cincy has very little else going for them. A city so nice that we all forgot it existed until they had to shoot a gorilla, these players are dedicated to bringing a little shine to southern Ohio (and honor the Harambe name!). Cincy has fully committed to the bit for the record (something we always appreciate) by making Joe Burrow king cakes and making sure everyone gets to sleep in Monday morning. Also it’s the year of the Tiger!!!
Break for Commercial
Commercials: What football is all about! Credit to all of us who never cared about sports and said they were in it for the commercials, because honestly this is the biggest night in advertising (it’s the SUPER BOWL of the advertising world) and appreciating that is nothing to be ashamed of! Sadly today the Super Bowl commercials are so expensive and such a massive amount of work & production (which we know because we have a INDUSTRY INSIDER as a source!) that most companies are afraid to put all those eggs in one basket (the basket in this case being :30 somewhere between 5pm and 10pm on a random Sunday). That means that commercials released early, such as this Amazon commercial (not sure who told them I wanted more Colin Jost/Scar Jo content?) or this Uber Eats spot, and you can catch abbreviated version of many in-game spots already on broadcasts. Personally I’m not over the fact that Mr. Peanut was brutally murdered for a Super Bowl commercial, I don’t care if it was years ago! Yet another issue posed by this commercial obsession: When will we get to PEE???? The commercials, in their usual abundance during football games, are normally a period of respite for Katrina & I, the time to search for beers or rest our eyes briefly and I must ask, when will that happen during the big game?!?!!?! Leave it to us to turn a commercial break into an existential crisis!
The End
To be completely transparent, we have nothing left to say about football at this point. It’s been like 24 weeks of this shit! People get tackled, people get injured, touchdowns are scored, but not nearly as frequently as we would hope, and the only real winner at the end of the day is Roger Goodell, who gets to keep his job as commish of the richest league in America. Here’s hoping that no one gets injured and all the players have fun, and that after this we can take a well deserved six months off from talking about football. DO NOT SEND ME TRADE DEAL INFORMATION, I DO NOT CARE. From mid February to late August, the sport of football does not exist to me!!! Until then, well we will find plenty of other stuff to talk about (like the Olympics, duh, and March Madness, and a million other things), and plenty of other reasons to drink on a Sunday afternoon. Cheers!
