GOLD ZONE: BeijingWeek 1
Can anyone remember a time when we weren’t watching the Olympics every night? Was there a world before Nathan Chen? I can’t remember anything before the opening ceremonies and I’m starting to think the Russian Ice Skating Coaches (read: our adopted dog from Siberia) have slipped me something. Rather than try to grasp at the past, the pre olympic era, the content drought where we had to watch football to talk to y’all each week, we’re embracing the new era. Let’s recap week 1 of Beijing 2022.
In Ice Skating…
Starting out RIGHT OUT THE GATE with the drama ladies and gents! In the campiest sport of the winter olympics (for those wondering, in summer it’s rhythmic gymnastics), the stars have DELIVERED. Russia won the team competition, with USA claiming second (heavily thanks to Nathan Chen, our Ice Dancers who did a Daft Punk Routine about an Alien falling in love with an astronaut, and that pairs squad), and the stacked Japan team got the bronze. But no one has gotten a chance to celebrate just yet, because after the competition WADA (anti doping agency) reported that someone of protected status tested positive for a banned drug. Two things to unpack there: 1) protected status typically means underage, which pointed to 15 year old superstar (and first ever woman to land a quad in competition) Kamila Valieva, and 2) there are a LOT of different drugs banned by WADA which sound pretty normal (heart drugs, asthma drugs, etc etc). This drug in particular is normally prescribed for congestive heart failure (which is kinda an old person thing) and in elite athletes could potentially be used to increase blood flow and oxygen flow (making it easier to, idk, land a quad). There’s still a lot we don’t know, Kamila still practiced and was cleared to perform in the short program, but whether she intentionally took the drugs (unlikely, she is 15!!!!) or they were administered to her, or, as they are. now claiming, she was “cross contaminated because her grandfather takes them…) this will definitely be a shadow on her rep…forever. This is why we hate the Russians y’all!!! Then there was even more DRAMA because the IOC was like okay you’re not banned from competition you’re just banned from being awarded any medals???? Which makes no sense because that is literally never the rule in sports when it comes to a positive doping test??!!?!?!?!?! cough Sha’Carri Richardson cough couch Anyway she competed and she’s in the lead despite falling and crying and it’s a huge fucking mess.
Luckily Nathan Chen assured all eyes were on him in the men’s competition, setting a world record in the short program and going on to win gold in a fit that can only be described as “Textbook cover chic”. Japan swept the rest of the podium, and big Chen rival Yuzuru Hanyu got a little too big for his britches (fell twice attempting quads) and finished fourth. Our other medal contender Vincent Zhou got covid, which we’re not gunna talk about too much, but it was heartbreaking! In ice dancing, the French couple expectedly took the gold, with American teams taking 3rd & 4th. Still to come: PAIRS and the ladies freeskate (i’m pulling for japan, f the ROC).
In Freestyle Sports… (big umbrella here, get over it)
WOW so much has happened. In Snowboarding: Shaun White finished 4th in halfpipe, just off the podium, sealing the deal for the passing of the torch to the next gen. Many comments were made, tears shed, etc. Shawn may not have won a medal but again, he’s dating Nina Dobrev so he’s won the more important competition. The leader of that new generation: gold medalist Ayumu Hirano, who got some serious air (like 25 ft up) and is now shrouded in a biiiit of controversy because the American judge seriously underrated him. (the commentators were UP IN ARMS I have never heard two snow bros so alarmed). Meanwhile, Chloe Kim put down a stellar first run in the women’s side, which ended up winning her the gold, and then she asked for snacks. We stan a queen! In slopestyle, Julia Marino got the USA a silver, while the Canadians ran the men’s competition. In snowboard cross, Lindsay Jacobellis got gold and made up for falling in 2006 (when she did a trick…to celebrate being so far ahead….big awk), but don’t call it a comeback! Then she went on to prove Age is JUST A NUMBER baby and won the mixed team event with Noah Baumgartner (who is 40!).
In Skiing: We won the first ever mixed team Aerials, a Bronze for Megan Nick in Women’s aerials, and we didn’t place in the men’s so let’s MOVE ON. Michael Kingsbury (Canada) got a silver in Moguls, losing out to a Swede, and American Jaelin Kauf secured us a silver in the Women’s. In the Big Air, America’s China’s model (literally represented by IMG) student (enrolled in Stanford for the fall, they kept talking about her SAT Score) Eileen Gu got herself a gold (but only a silver in the slopestyle…got em). On the Men’s Big Air, Norwegian superstar Birk Ruud (???) sailed to gold but NH Native Colby Stevenson got us a silver! In slopestyle, the American men went 1-2, with a swede in the bronze medal position. Still to come: Ski Cross & Halfpipe.
me (katrina) getting annoyed whenever they bring up an SAT score
In the Sport of FLYING SQUIRRELS (read: Ski Jumping) the team event’s debut was marred by multiple suit violations by female competitors (if I was a female competitor I would just…not have my suit be too big, but I guess that’s just me). Apparently Slovenia is really good at this sport???? They won the Women’s event and the Team event, while Japan won the Men’s. In the Nordic combined the Norwegian cross country strength won out and they snagged gold and silver.
In Alpine Skiing…
The main story of the week has been the Failing New York Times Mikaela Shiffrin, who skiied out of her two best races and finished waaaay off the podium in the Super G (which she’d never done at the olympics before)(and hardly every in competition!) Meanwhile her VERY SUPPORTIVE SCANDINAVIAN BOYFRIEND got himself a silver AND a bronze for norway (not that they need more medals, they are in the lead of the rankings…stop the count!) Petra Vlhova (Slovakia) got herself a gold, Lara Gut-Behrami (Switzerland) got a gold and a silver as well.
In the Biathlon & Cross Country…
The Americans are getting better!!!! Jessie Diggins got a XC Silver an we put up a SOLID performance in the team event. In Biathlon, Norway and France have been the stars (note to self: do not piss off Norwegians or French people alone in the woods on skis, they are deadly accurate!!). If you’re awake from 2-4am EST, these are the sports for you!
On the sleds…
German dominance continues in Skeleton (went 1-2 in men’s), Latvia took 1-2 in the Luge. More bobsled action (including the cool runnings crew) still to come, but the monobob came out to a beautiful debut with american (and mom of Nico who is adorable!) Elana Meyers Taylor grabbing the silver and newly-american Kallie Humphries taking the gold. Two badass ladies monobobbing their way to the podium.
In Curling…
The Americans are getting worse! After winning gold in the mixed event last time around, our team failed to advance to the knockout rounds this time. Currently things are looking bleak for our women’s team after a loss to Japan this morning, and our men are in a win or go home and hope everyone else also loses situation. Meanwhile the Italians took mixed team gold, and the ridiculously beautiful Swedish team taking bronze.
In Hockey…
The American men beat canada for the first time in 12 years!!!!! WOOOO nothing can stop us miracle on ice here we come!!!!!! What’s that? They lost to Slovakia in a shoot out this morning? In the Quarterfinals? oh. Okay let’s pivot! American women lost to Canada in the Round Robin and will have a Gold Medal re-Match up to redeem themselves. If you’re free from 9-11 am EST, then THIS is the sport for you!
In Speed Skating…
On the short track, the goods have been great baby! Arianna Fontana the Blond Angel got herself a medal in one race and got DQed in another for causing a crash with an American. The Italians also got bronze in the mixed team relay, the Chinese taking gold. China’s had a lot of short track success, going 1-2 in the Men’s 1000m, but the Dutch realized they probably have a few short people in their country, including Suzanne Schulting, who has set a couple world records and already gathered multiple gold medals.
Erin Jackson became the first African American woman to medal, she got herself a gold, and our men’s team snagged the Bronze in Team pursuit. Irene Schouten and Ireen Wuest made history on the women’s side, stacking up multiple medals, and their teammate Sven Kramer has been less successful thus far. The big story on the men’s side has been the success of Nils Van der Poel, the swede.
Hard to believe all this has happened and we still have a week to go! Drama and Drugs- is this Degrassi High or the Olympics?? You decide and let us know in the comments what your favorite Olympic moment has been thus far!
