EMERGENCY SOCCER UPDATE: Things get Messi
Is that joke original? No! But it has to be made. A lot has happened in the off season for all our favorite soccer teams, which we’re GOING to update you on don’t worry— we know you’re all wondering if PSG has finally invested in a midfielder! But today, the only news that matters in the futbol world is that after many years and even more trophies, Lionel Messi is leaving Barcelona.
None of you should be coming to us for breaking news (I mean, feel free, but we will not be producing much more content because, reminder, we are 2 people, and sometimes people think we’re the same person, so we don’t have the bandwidth baby) but sometimes news is TOO BIG TO IGNORE. At the end of last season, I told you that Messi may have played his last game with Barcelona. The summer before, he had made a fuss about how he was unhappy and might leave, but since Barca was in a transitional period, he stayed, and they got a new president, LaPorta, who basically ran on the promise that Messi wouldn’t leave (a la Woodrow Wilson in the 1916 Presidential Election). Spoiler alert: Messi is leaving!
Barca was having a hot girl summer and it was looking like Lionel was down to stay, until about an hour ago today when reports came out that talks for Messi’s new deal were…crumbling. Barcelona’s pockets are pretty empty, and they announced today that they couldn’t afford to keep him, because of La Liga’s regulations. That’s right, the league threw a grenade into the Barca bard room and walked! a! way! The season starts IN EIGHT DAYS.
So, where’s he headed? A lot of people are calling for him to head to MLS, but he could head to Man City first (who have all but officially snagged Jack Grealish, English National Team superstar & noted hottie, had previously been rumored to make an offer on Harry Kane, and are not NOT an option for Romelu Lukaku) and then switch to their MLS contingent in New York after a year. Not to throw a post out there without answers, but people have been speculating about this for two full years and there are no more hot takes to make so! Here’s hoping he doesn’t go to City, no one wants the rich to get richer, but also, PSG DOES NOT NEED MORE STRIKERS so they better not buy him.
Speaking of PSG! While we’re here let’s run down a few of the other highlights forthe transfer market. PSG has signed another goalkeeper (don’t ask me why, when we already have an excellent keeper in Navas, but whatever): Italian superstar and just a wee baby at 22m Gianluigi Donnaruma (mamma maglione!). We also signed Sergio Ramos from Real (chorus of boos, but everyone hates PSG and everyone hates a Sergio, so it fits), and Georginio Winajldum from Liverpool (A MIDFIELDER THANK YOU JESUS!)
PSG & City aren’t the only ones making moves- Man United has grabbed some stellar players (for a steal of a price! Jk everyone is expensive it’s brutal out here), including another breakout star of the Euros Jadon Sancho (from Borussia Dortmund) and should finish a deal with beautiful Frenchman and former Real star Raphael Varane annnny day now.
Those are just the big names, and there's definitely more to come (Harry Kane is still dealless, so the drama will continue) but we wanted to come in quickly to reminisce about Messi’s time at Barcelona (mostly good) and raise a beer (maybe an Estrella) in one final toast to his career there. As always, Cheers!
