Week 4: “This Is Awkward For Everyone”
It’s an innuendo IMHO.
This weeks title coming to you courtesy of the ESPN rules analyst who was forced to VAMP Monday night when the Chargers-Raiders game had a weather delay. Basically everyone got ALL READY and warmed up and then there were some buzzy bolts in the sky and they CALLED IT OFF (meanwhile the Patriots & the Bucs played in a downpour but…aight sure Los Angeles). The takeaway from all that is instead of watching an hour of that game we watched people stand around on a field and shout some very cold takes about taking off their shoulder pads in the 45 minutes they had to wait. and to think, we made an effort to watch this on a MONDAY!
Games We Didn’t Watch, Summarized:
Bengals 24 Jaguars 21: Bengals are TOP OF THEIR DIVISION, WHAT IS GOING ON. Also Urban Meyer, Jags coach is in hot water for grinding on a girl in the club.
Bears 24 Lions 14: Lions couldn’t break their losing streak, Justin Fields is growing into his role!
Colts 27 Dolphins 17: Carson Wentz finally gets it together, Colts get their first Win.
Browns 14 Vikings 7: Browns D holds their opponent to single digits for the 2nd week in a row. Offense…needs work.
Washington 24 Falcons 20: Trash Game that the Falcons almost won- they instead opted for their signature move aka blowing the lead.
Bills 40 Texans 0: Bills shut out the Texans, the Mafia’s power grows
Chiefs 42 Eagles 30: Patrick Mahomes passed the ball every way possible, in case you forgot how good he is.
Cowboys 36 Panthers 28: Panthers came in undefeated, but were no match for the Cowboys offense. Dak threw 4 TDs, but Sam Darnold still looks good (or that’s what the fantasy gods say, no homo)
Really not a good enough excuse to use the verb peg.
Cardinals 37 Rams 20: Two Undefeated teams face off and Arizona came out on top, rolling all over the Rams. Kyler Murray with 70% completion (that’s low for him btw), hella touchdown passes, and spectacular plays.
Ravens 23 Broncos 7: Ravens tied a record for some sort of running yards streak thing.
Games We Did
Jets 27 Titans 24
Ok to say I watched this game is a little generous, (sorry not sorry, Saints come first!) but it was apparently spicy enough to push this match to extra time, which is when I tuned in. Before that, the Jets defense reeeeeaaalllly decided to show up, sacking Ryan Tannehill a bunch o times and really shutting down the running backs. Or at least that’s what they told me in OT! This was a good example of how NFL overtime is dumb, because the Titans boofed it on the coin toss, and had the Jets scored a touchdown they wouldn’t have even GOTTEN THE BALL. Luckily the Jets were still the jets, so they didn’t score a touchdown. Unluckily, they stopped the Titans from scoring at ALL, winning on their field goal. This is the first victory for new coach Robert Saleh (apparently no relation to Liverpool’s Mo Saleh) & Rookie QB Zach Wilson, who had a pretty good game despite looking like Biff from Back to the future. Lots of people had thoughts on how this will affect NEXT year’s draft which like, can we get through this slog first??
Giants 27 Saints 24
If you hear that sound, that’s me banging my head on the table.
Sigh. Okay let me pretend to be objective. Sunday was DOMECOMING (which, for the record, would have been a strong contender for this post’s title had the Saints won but!!!! Life’s unfair!), the Saints first game at home this season after being displaced by Hurricane Ida. Full Caesar’s Superdome, can’t lose right? WRONG. Instead, the Saints inconsistent performances continued, and they lost to the Giants, who I guess you could argue also were from an area devastated by Hurricane Ida?
Packers 27 Steelers 17
I (Katrina) kind of watched this game before the tv stopped working, upon which I was like oh noooo the tv! it’s broken! what a shame! time to do something else! but one thing i did notice was that that the Steelers offense…. she bad honey and not the good bad. I’m no stats expert but it seems like they ended up on 4th down every time and like… boofed it every time. WE’re talking throwing incomplete passes WAY SHORT OF THE DOWN LINE ? Idk what’s going on. it was trash. like the point is to MOVE THE BALL DOWN THE FIELD NOT BACKWARDS. crazy that i have to educate these men on their own job but what else is news, women doing the emotional labor for men!!
Seahawks 28 49ers 21
This is a rivalry game but also a great game for me (katrina) overall because I have a bunch of players on both teams in fantasy and i need POINTS fam, I am not doing great (which is weird because my team isn’t half bad!). In any case, for about half this game Russel Wilson seemed like he had brain fog, not sure what was going on there? The Seahawks actually were relying a lot on defense, unusual, but then the offense turned it on towards the end of the game. The Niners continue to baffle with moments of sheer brilliance followed immediately by confusing plays.
Buccaneers 19 Patriots 17
Tom Brady has beaten every team in the NFL.
Read that again. EVERY TEAM. I don’t like fake statistics but that one ain’t half bad! This was the most anticipated game of the week, as Brady returned home to Foxborough (Foxbruh) to finally face his father former coach. Considering everyone claims he left on good terms, there was a lot of tension here folks! At one point Tom Brady ran a little bit with the ball to get a first down, which isn’t a huge deal in the grand scheme of things but is when you realize it was Tom Brady, king of tripping over his own feet, who took matters into his own hands. Homie wanted to prove to his dad Bill Belichick that he doesn’t need him. (ALSO THEY INTRODUCED THIS WITH THE SONG HELLO BY ADELE. this sport is off the fu***ing RAILS adele is british she does not give a shit about football!!) Bill, for his part, pulled on his finest cropped sweatshirt and pulled out all the stops- his defense was a wildcard (he’s known for razzlin and dazzlin and mixing ti up) and they went small, put a lot of DBs on the field, and really challenged the Bucs passing game. In the end, their runners did enough, and, thankfully, Patriots kicked did a DOINK field goal to lose the game. Arguably in this great Tom Brady vs Bill Belichick match up, TB12 didn’t actually do a ton for the team, but who cares, we’ll let him have it.
Chargers 28 Raiders 14
Ok I am starting to think the whole Lightning Delay was a secret plan by the Chargers to rig this game? I mean lightning….CHARGErs…..seems incredibly sus to me! They came out blazin in the first half scoring three touchdowns and holding the Raiders to…0 points. But the Raiders were like, y’all, don’t sweat it, we actually don’t believe in scoring points in the first half (they have scored the lowest on average in the first half of any team this season). Their plan was to come back HOT in the second half (which is a little mean to those of us who go to bed at 10:30 and definitely skipped out after halftime), but the Chargers defense had other plans and held them to 2 TDs. Oh also they sacked Derek Carr a time or two. Justin Hebert is finally finding his groove and the Chargers are on top of their dangerous division at the moment, but TBD how long that will last, considering that the bottom of their division is…the Chiefs.
Ok that about wraps it up for Week 4! We’ve got to be almost done with the season by now right??? hahah just kidding there are THIRTEEN MORE WEEKS OF HELL!!!!!!! Fun never ends! Hopefully Katrina can win one fantasy game by then (The Jets have a better record than her right now), and the Saints will get their h*ckin acts together.
