Tight Ends & Touchdowns: The NFL Part I
Ah, Labor Day weekend. The last opportunity to post bikini thirst traps, claim you’re having a hot girl summer, and spend a Sunday without seeing someone in an ill-fitted football jersey. That’s right folks, the NFL is back, the fantasy leagues have assembled, and it’s time once again to pay attention to a sport that doctors will probably say in 50 years contributed to the cognitive deterioration of generations of men. Football season baby!
Both Katrina and I are relatively new at following football, but we do our best to pretend we know what we’re talking about because we love any excuse to drink all day on Sundays and we hate being corrected. Also, Katrina has taken on the mantle of having a fantasy team (someone send her thoughts and prayers) and I entered a survivor pool (trying to channel Jeff Probst). So we’re following Sheryl Sandberg’s advice and Leaning In (because she was definitely referring to following homoerotic sports).
The issue is… there’s a lot to know with football. So we’re going to break down a quick outline of each team, why you should love/hate them, and how to sound like you know what you’re talking about when they’re prancing around on your screen. In Part 1: The AFC (American Football Conference. As opposed to like… the many other football conferences in many other places).
Buffalo Bills
QB Josh Allen has been growing into this team over the past two years. As he enters his junior year, like any 11th grader, he’s feeling strong and dominant and comfortable with his place in the world. Last year he dramatically increased his pass completion percentage, their defense is 2nd in power rankings, and they’ve got the first few weeks to warm up before they face some really tough contenders. ESPN called the bills a “dark horse” but actually, buffaloes are not horses at all! So that shows how much THEY know.
Miami Dolphins
Anyone else that was bored enough to watch the circus of the NFL Virtual draft knows that Miami walked away from it with a pretty big prize. Anyone that had a life in April (literally how?): Meet Tua Tagovailoa, prince of Hawaii (probably), former Bama QB and future Dolphins star, who will split the spotlight for now with Ryan Fitzpatrick. Miami pretty much sucked for all of last season, then pulled it together just enough to make sure they didn’t get the No. 1 draft pick. They’re still growing into their own as a team, still figuring out what an O line is supposed to do (apparently not what they did last season, so that strategy didn’t work), and like many other teams, they haven’t had a chance to figure out who they are on the field because the lack of preseason. This rag tag group of rookies is going to take some time to get to know each other, and we’ll just check back in with them later.
New England Patriots
I will be the first to tell you we are not very good at pretending to be unbiased. But I am going to do my best to be fair here. I mean do I think that the Patriots are cheaters? Do I think that maybe they had their time in the sun and it’s time to let someone else have a turn? Yes. But! After letting Senior Citizen Tom Brady slip away (more on that in part 2), after a season of pretty much much zero creativity on offense and an embarrassing flame out in playoffs, just when I thought their reign at the top was over, they snatched free agent Cam Newton. Hermès scarf wearing, Heisman trophy winning Cam Newton. He’s been cursed by injury and, by the end of his tenure with the Panthers, really wasn’t the star he could be. He’s got a very different style than veteran QB Brady (aka, he actually can run the ball), so the Patriots have spent the off-season completely recalibrating their strategy. They have a notoriously strong defense, and though Newton has admitted he’s not feeling like a starter which is… a little alarming. If they get it together they could be (and I’m gagging as I say this) really good.
New York Jets
As always, I know it is uneducated to comment on uniforms, but honestly, who made the choice for GREEN for the Jets. I just want to have a conversation with them. Their jerseys are stuck in the 2000’s. Where is the pizzazz! Ok back to football, I promise I’m done. (But like? Forest green and white? gross). This is another bad take, but I’m pretty sure their quarterback is using a fake name. Sam DARNOLD? Is that a typo? In actual news, their offense is not incredible at making plays in the perimeter or in a short passing game, so they’ll definitely need to improve their middle (relatable, I too need to work on my six pack) in order to conquer the defenses of their opponents. Oh and we love RB Le’Veon Bell, who is just a lil firecracker for the offense.
Denver Broncos
Have you ever taken your milk out of the fridge and questioned whether it was still good or not? Have you ever proceeded to use that milk and realized it’s not exactly bad but it’s definitely got its best times behind it? Super depressing. What was I supposed to be talking about again? The Broncos? Oh, right. Well yesterday we found out COVID survivor Von Miller (LB, which I assume stands for Lover Boy) twisted his ankle or something and is out for the season (take note here! Injuries are going to be a recurring motif). The average age of their offense is 24. As a fellow 24 year old, I question the maturity of the team. They’ll be lining up behind Drew Lock and looking for guidance, and they’ll have to get it together quickly because their first game few games are some real toughies.
Kansas City Chiefs
Reigning Superbowl champions! What a loveable group of dudes who look really good in red. I want y’all to look deep into the eyes of American Treasure Patrick Mahomes and then try to root against this team. You can’t! It’s impossible! They also snagged Clyde Edwards-Hilaire (LSU) in the draft who promises to help this team grow offensively. Another name you’ll hear constantly is Travis Kelce (who gives me MAGA vibes, but I’m going to trust he’s a good guy), who is a Tight End (and people say this sport isn’t homoerotic. Come on.), and a contender for league MVP.
Las Vegas Raiders
Moving to a new city, with a brand new stadium, in a season that will not permit fan attendance has the Raiders starting 2020 with that all dressed up and nowhere to go feeling. They gave their defense a huge makeover, and ESPN says their look “more fierce”, so that tells you they have the Tyra Banks seal of approval. They have to tackle some tough teams early on, but their QB Derek Carr has really settled into wearing that sweet black and silver uni so hopefully they stand out and don’t suck as much as last year.
Los Angeles Chargers
First off: There are too many horse girls in the NFL. Ok, moving on. The Chargers just went through really tough breakup with long term boyfriend and QB Philip Rivers (who got together with another horse girl.. the Colts), so now they’re falling in behind a new quarterback for the first time in 14 years. Their rebound is Tyrod Taylor, the man who can help this team figure out what it’s like to love again. No, I’m not just creating a romcom narrative about this team, but if I was, would it be wrong? Isn’t that what FANTASY football is all about? I really think this break-up has opened doors for the Chargers to find themselves again. This season is their Eat, Pray, Love. I didn’t finish that book but I’m pretty sure she ends up making the playoffs in the end of it.
Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens were the talk of the town last season for going undefeated in 12 straight games, and for a man named Lamar Jackson who made analytics twitter go absolutely nuts once a week, and then was named MVP. Of like, everything. However he’s not as consistent when he can’t zoom zoom run down the field (and every defense in the dang country is trying to stop him from running), so he’s been working on his passing and that will be key to watch for the Ravens success.
Cincinnati Bengals
Not sure why the league didn’t get the memo, but this team has actually been renamed the Cincinnati Burrows, in honor of hometown hero and 23-year-old who carries the hopes of an entire fan base on his back, No. 1 draft pick Joe Burrow. Even though this is his rookie season, Joe is very mature and is a great leader (see: LSU’s perfect 2019 season). No pressure, but EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON HOW HE ADAPTS TO THE BIG LEAGUE. He is the entire plan. Which, in this world, probably means he will suffer a season-ending injury within the first few weeks. (I’m not manifesting that, I wish the best for him! Curses exist!)
Cleveland Browns
The Browns have had a tumultuous history. You wouldn’t think that an Ohio team would be the messy bitch who lives for drama in the league, but with the always outspoken Baker Mayfield as their quarterback, legendary losing streaks, and the energy of a former chubby kid just trying to prove themselves, the Browns are desperate to be a storyline. Last year, in preseason, every commentator made it seem as if the Browns had an all expense paid trip straight to the super bowl, and then they actually started playing and they did what Cleveland does best: they disappointed. But that was LAST year! They’ve been working on themselves since then, doing yoga, finding their inner peace, clearing their chakras, signing some new tackles and moving past their exes with a brand new coach at the helm (Their fourth coach in 3 years, but this is the one I can feel it). Egos will have to be pushed aside (tale as old as time) and they’ll have to have a breakout start in order to end their historic playoff drought.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Ok, no one tell them, but I think they made up the word Steeler. Can you use it in a sentence? I’m not buying it. Their quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t had the preseason he would have liked to grease his elbow (literally, because he has a famous elbow injury, this is a hilarious joke if you already knew that), and he’s 38, so basically ancient. Staying injury free will be key for him and the Steelers. Personally I hope they get into another brawl with the Browns, but maybe I just crave chaos. None of their players chose to opt out of the season, which is good news, and they’ve got a top 5 defense to hold their line. Watch their wide receivers, between Diontae Johnson & Juju Smith-Schuster they’ll definitely make some noise.
Houston Texans
The only player I liked on this team got traded (more on DeAndre Hopkins later, but as homework please read this incredible profile), so the Texans are on dangerously thin ice for me. They also lost Carlos Hyde to Seattle. But I suppose we’re not here to talk about the team that was or how much turnover their offense has had this offseason. They start their season against Super Bowl Champions, and they’re need to figure out what the heck they’re doing, and that might take a couple games. Expect a slow start, but don’t count them out just yet.
Indianapolis Colts
Last year at this time all ANYONE wanted to talk about was how the Colts QB Andrew Luck retired. But football moves pretty fast— not the actual game, that takes like 3 hours—but all the convos around it, and now no one even REMEMBERS Luck. What they ARE talking about is the lack of depth on the bench, which is important because roughly half of every team gets injured. Yes I made that stat up. But it wouldn’t shock me if it was true. If no one gets injured (cue canned audience laughter), the Colts are going to try to run their way to victory with Marlon Mack (RB, which either stands for Running Back or Red Bull, depending on whether we’re talking football or futbol) and a strong offensive line. (Take a shot every time we say Strong Offensive Line)
Jacksonville Jaguars
You know how sophomores in high school think their hot shit because they’re no longer at the bottom of the totem pole? That’s the energy we’re getting from Nick Foles after a semi-successful rookie season, despite the fact that he’s playing for a team that’s barely had a winning season within the past decade. Also like many sophomores in high school, their desperation to lose their virginity leads to a lot of mistakes and poor finishes in the Red Zone. This might be our hottest take yet, but if the Jaguars want to start winning games, they are going to have to figure out how to score the dang ball. It’s a crazy idea, I know!
Tennessee Titans
I know this may surprise all of you, but I didn’t pay very close attention to the Titans last year before the playoffs. And boy did they make me rue that decision, because they were EXPLOSIVE in the post-season, beating the Patriots in the Wild Card round and then everyone just ~vibing until they lost to the Chief. To continue that success, this year they’re definitely going to try for more passing plays, looking at improving the chemistry between QB Tannehill and Corey Davis. I include this only because I just read that Davis suffered from Turf Toe. WHAT THE HECK IS TURF TOE?!?!?!? Clearly we need to be talking about this more.
