How to Get Away with Drinking at 7am: Premier League Preview
Picture it: It’s Saturday, August 9th 2019. You are sitting on a sticky bar stool in a dark room, cradling a crisp morning beer (maybe a Corona, or a Bud light), watching the first English Premier League game of the season, a 4-1 rout of Norwich City at Anfield Stadium, home of Liverpool Football Club. That sounds pretty nice right? If this were an early 00’s romcom, an upbeat pop song would play over the game highlights, telling you that Liverpool goes on to graduate top of her class and win the league, ending a thirty year title drought. The losers, Norwich City, punished for their atrocious yellow and green color scheme, are relegated from the EPL for the 6th time in their history, ending their season like Warner Huntington III, with no job offers and no prospects.
Yes, I am comparing soccer to Legally Blonde. Deal with it.
This season opens a little differently. Since the end of last season was a tad later than usual, we’re starting post-Labor Day, and the players have had less time to regroup (read: Vacation in Ibiza or Greece and get arrested for being drunk & disorderly. Although some people still found the time), and many of them will be coming off of appearances with their National Teams in the UEFA Cup of Nations (Yes, there are too many competitions), where, in case you were wondering, England performed horribly. Also, lest we forget, a bunch of them tested postive for Covid!
Ok focus! We’re talking PREMIER LEAGUE one of the most competitive soccer leagues in the WORLD. The title race is anyone’s game (and by that we mean like 6 or so teams) and teams at the bottom of the table will look to survive another season at the top. Let’s meet our contestants.
The Top Tier Title Contenders
Liverpool Football Club: Ok you’re in the desert. You’re dying of thirst. And you see it: an oasis. Not a mirage. A real pool of water! You’re saved. That is how LFC is feeling after they DOMINATED the league last year, winning almost in record time, spinning a narrative of years of struggle and pain and loss into a beautiful quilt of victory. (Got a lot of metaphors going on here, but what can I say! I’m swept up in the magic of this team), This year, not much has changed except that they’ve notched a title into their belt loops. Their attackers (Sadio Mane, Mo Salah, Jordan Henderson, to name a few) and their tall boys in back (looking at you Virgil Van Dijk, you tall glass of water you) are as strong as ever. And most importantly, their lovable teddy bear of a coach, Jürgen Klopp (the CREAM OF THE KLOPP) is ready for another season of sideline antics and hugs! (COVID be damned!)
Manchester City: The team that invented the idea of being too big to fail. They’re the contemptible rich villain who’s buying up the whole town (including a failed attempt to woo Lionel Messi, the best player in the world, away from his girlfriend Barcelona, but like, let’s be honest here- do you know anyone that studied abroad in Manchester? Didn’t think so). But they’re also a villain you have to respect, because they’re pretty freaking good (except for when their embarrassing themselves by losing to Lyon in the Champions League). Like all pretty rich boys, they have issues, but you’re going to fall for them anyway because they’re smooth as hell.
Manchester United: A tale of once and almost greatness, Manchester United rediscovered how to actually win games midway through last season thanks to the prince from Portugal, Bruno Fernandez. Their strategy went from “play the youngest people we have and cross our fingers” to actually creating opportunity and… get this…working as team. Bruno is so charming he made Paul Pogba, the frequently injured and often unhappy pivot point in the back, actually WANT to stay in Manchester. They’ve got some issues with their back line that need to be straightened out but Man U might actually be…good again. There I said it! For you newbies, ManU is the team that half of American fans like because they used to be like the Yankees. Also like the Yankees, Katrina hates them. Except PAUL O PAUL POGBA.
Chelsea: They’ve spent the transfer window throwing money every which way to try to prepare their team for a title chase this season INCLUDING snagging Thiago Silva, former PSG Captain and King of the Perfect Pout. Silva will hopefully lead the defense to some consistency and keep them in line, while Tammy Abraham, new addition Timo Werner, and The American Hero from Hershey, Christian Pulisic (if he can stay healthy, which he hasn’t been able to do) lead the front. Another player to watch: N’golo Kante, a star of the French national team and the inspiration for my sourdough starter (cuz he’s LIVELY like my yeast!)
The Will-They-Won’t-Theys
Leicester: (Pronounced “lester”, because…England) After completely forgetting their stunning start of season last year (where Jamie Vardy scored in like, 8 straight games in an effort to beat his own record of 11) and losing almost every game of their post-COVID restart, Leceister didn’t place high enough to qualify for Champion’s League and quietly ended the ‘19/’20 season in disappointment. This team is thin (and I don’t mean this in a skinny way) and is going have to work incredibly hard to not get tired out by the relentless demands of their schedule. (Also: You NEED to look up this Instagram beef between James Vardy’s and Wayne Rooney’s wives, it is incredibly catty and we live for it)
Arsenal: Many of you may think the most important title to win is the actual League Title. Don’t tell that to Arsenal, who won the FA Cup and might never shut up about it. Did they finish in 8th last season? Not important! They’re title contenders now, probably! Important to note that their new marbled away kits are sick, they signed several stars in the transfer period (Like Willian, formerly of Chelsea) aaaand fired half of their staff (even though they said they wouldn’t). Arsenal’s nickname is The Gunners (get it, it’s a THEME) which seems too close to NRA politics for our liking.
Wolves: First of all, meet Adama Traore, who could definitely ruin my life, and maybe thought he was signing up for the other kind of football. Wolves will be making a play for the top tier this season, after flirting with the idea all of last year, but falling short due to either VAR decisions or a lack of depth (depending on who you ask), and neither of those problems have really been solved.
Tottenham Hot Spur: I realize it’s icky to talk about it, but we have to have a convo about finances. I know, it stresses me out too, but the Spurs are one risky drunk purchase away from being in the red. They spent all their cash building this beautiful stadium that will now sit empty all season. (Oh, and filming a documentary about themselves, which you can watch on Amazon). To add to their woes, their coach Jose Mourinho is basically every sitcom character whose parents let them get a credit card “just for emergencies” and their stars Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min struggled to stay healthy and shine on the pitch (SIGN. A. STRIKER.) The Spurs need to do well to make money, but need money to do well, but need to do well to make money, but…. Furthermore, we need to have a talk about their cheers. Their main one is just “COME ON YOU SPURS”; it’s terrible. Then they have one that’s like OH WHEN the SPURS! go marching IN! (From this song called “The Saints Go Marching In”, I think you know the tune) which fine whatever that would be okay except there’s another team actually called the Saints (Southhampton) So I feel like THEY should get to use that? And then on top of that their mascot is a chicken? So many questions.
The Middle of the Pack
Sheffield United: The Blades had an INCREDIBLE run last season. Sometimes they were as high as 5th place! They almost qualified for the UCL! And then almost the Europa league! And then….ended up qualifying for neither and finishing lower than they deserved. With no other leagues to distract them, Sheffield can focus on matching and exceeding the success of last year, and explaining why a completely landlocked city in the middle of the isle is represented with a Pirate mascot.
Crystal Palace: This is every London teams’ side chick. If Crystal Palace suddenly gets hot over the summer, everyone is going to claim they always thought she was cute. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s gotten hot over the summer, considering their star player Wilfried Zaha is being a little flaky about whether or not he’ll stay with the club, and it’s hard to prep a team when your best player might leave at any moment. Crystal Palace (which somehow sounds like both a battle site in Pokemon and a street name for a meth high) would love to hang out in the middle as they have for that past few years, but that’s looking more and more like an uphill battle.
Everton: You know how in a lot of families, there is one really pretty and successful kid, who everyone fawns over? And then there’s the other one, who’s just kind of… there? Well that’s the case in Liverpool, where the Reds have dominated the storyline and the hearts of the city and Everton has stood behind them, bitterly, grumbling literal nonsense about the ‘19'/’20 title having an asterisk because of COVID-19. Everton is a team that has defined itself as just “not Liverpool FC” for so long, they forgot who they REALLY are, and clearly need to meditate on that if they ever want to get better. Luckily, they’re starting to figure out this identity crisis a little bit, and signed some really promising players, such as James Rodriguez (pronounced HA-mez), a Colombian superstar.
The Ones We Forget About
Newcastle: The big drama of the past few months was a bid by Saudi Arabia to buy this club, an attempt to pluck an unsuspecting nerdy girl out from anonymity, give her a makeover, and take her to prom. However it turns out, when you commit tons of human rights violations, people aren’t really keen on you just getting interested in sports and pretending you’re just a really nice guy who’s actually interested in the nerdy art girl (Or so the sporting world has now decided, way after the Qataris did exactly that with PSG). Anyway the deal fell apart, their owner doesn’t want to be here, but they signed a couple of stars from recently relegated teams and are hoping charm pulls them through. Newcastle is known for its beer. So…cheers!
Southhampton: What would be great is if this team could score some goals. I think that would seriously help their chances of winning games.
Brighton: I want the best for Brighton, I really do. Honest! I think they’re just adorable. Their mascot is a seagull! But Brighton has struggled to create chances, and they don’t have the money to dazzle any new players. The boys in blue and white might have to retire to beach chairs after this season.
Burnley: In theory they should fall into the last group, but considering I wrote this whole article and forgot to put them in, this seems like an appropriate spot for them. They’re just trying to slide by, under the radar, do their time, avoid relegation, and not get humiliated. If that’s not relatable, I don’t know what is,
The Just Happy to Be Heres
West Ham: Watching West Ham battle to survive relegation last year, I really thought I had fallen in love. Such resilience! Such strength! And Underdog! A Cinderella story! But for reasons that will become clear when you read about one of the teams below, I am abandoning them. They also traded their best player to the newly promoted West Brom (or maybe he just got confused when re-signing his contract and just stopped reading after the word West and a big number beside a pounds sign), which bodes poorly for them. FOR THE NEWBIES: if this EPL stuff seems overwhelming and confusing, I STRONGLY recommend you watch the movie Green Street Hooligans, starring our favorite hobbit Elijah Wood and serious hottie CHARLIE HUNNAN as his smokin’ new brother-in-law, a West Ham hooligan who would fight to the death for his team. Watch that movie then tell me you don’t love soccer, I dare you. It also might turn you into a West Ham fan with its rendition of their fight song, ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles. (They literally release bubbles in their stadium still. So pure).
Aston Villa: Villa fought tooth and nail for their spot here this year, and honestly the reasons they were successful are 1) dumb luck and 2) some beneficial but clearly wrong VAR decisions. Still we’re happy for them, and superfan Prince William. Looking forward, I really feel like they should just cherish these moments and play every game wearing rose-colored glasses, because it is unlikely they’ll get lucky enough to stay up again. Not to be confused with the car, that’s an Aston Martin. Also British though. They’re probably cousins or something.
Fulham: Tried out the second tier last season, decided it wasn’t for them, and popped right back up to the PL. Something that also isn’t for them, apparently, would be signing players that would help fill out their squad, so they’re about to face some of the most skilled teams in soccer without a strong center back or any depth. If you’re looking for a team with some American stars, this is your team.
Leeds United: This team has a long and storied history. Many years ago, they were on top of the world. Then (and the Spurs should take this as a cautionary tale) they went broke and dropped to the third tier, to be forgotten in the minds of pretty much everyone. They’ve been through so much in the past 16 seasons away, mounting an incredible Sisyphean journey back to where they started and fully winning my heart. I will be adopting them as my team for the year. If anyone asks I am a lifelong fan. Adele is from here FYI.
West Brom: Like a boomerang, West Brom returns to the Premier League, newly promoted after just one year away. But what is key to remember is that it takes cash to keep up with the cool kids, and the league is a long and unforgiving list of fixtures. Blessed with some new players, they’re going to try to hold on, but they just might be the new Norwich.
