COVID Stays Alive in NFL Week 5
Derrick Henry stiff arming Josh Norman will be incorporated into our next Interpretive Dance piece. Also it’s a whole ass mood.
Oof. Week 5 and I’m starting to realize that this season is too long and is only getting longer with COVID delays. This week, I tried to watch two whole games in their entirety and I fell asleep both times. Not sure if that says more about how my week went (not great!) or how interesting football is (not very!). It seems I am getting better in football savvy though, as the games I did pick were some of the * best* ones according to the Experts. (The experts in this case being Elena)
In COVID news, uh, it’s still happening. Bills vs Titans was postponed to Tuesday leading me to believe the whole '“we have it totally under control” line might have been bullshit but okay. Considering that college football was like “we’ve totally got this covered” and now the SEC had a COVID outbreak (see here, and, tragically, here): big takeaway is that maybe we shouldn’t underestimate the whole PANDEMIC thing? Like the shit is continually hitting the fan at this point and everyone keeps pretending we can sports jargon our way out of it (See Gators coach declaring he wants to “pack the swamp”) So far, seems like the NFL is handling COVID about as well as I handle the commentators alternating between mansplaining and throwing outrageous takes out for three hours: not well. In any case, let’s recap quickly before they shut this whole thing down again!
Raiders 40, Chiefs 32
As the score indicates, this highly anticipated game was a close one! Of course, I remained riveted all through the first three quarters (when the scores were being traded back and forth but the Chiefs were mostly winning) then proceeded to take an impromptu nap in the 4th quarter and then I woke up to a Raiders win? This not the first time this has happened to me and I don’t think it’s going to be the last. The story of this game is Derek Carr, Raiders QB, who had a great game. As an aside, you cannot convince me this man is not straight up wearing eyeliner. He low-key looks like he is trying to be Billie Joe Armstrong, if Billie Joe stopped making punk bangers and took up football. In any case, Carr was able to serve the Chiefs their first defeat (at home to boot, with a disturbing amount of fans in the stands). Now there are only 5 undefeated teams remaining(a figure that still seems wild to me)
Cowboys 37, Giants 34
Giants came in real hot hoping for their first win, but alas, twas not to be. While the Cowboys did eke out a win, as is becoming the trend, the real winner of this battle was INJURY as Cowboys QB Dak Prescott (his real name is Dakota and he goes by Dak?) suffered what commentators described as a “gruesome ankle injury” (CAN CONFIRM: BIG ICK). Squeamish peeps, scroll down. Basically, there was a normal tackle and when he came up…his foot was facing the wrong way. Dak was carted off the field sobbing; we were treated to photos later from his hospital bed attesting to his “good spirits” (bruh he’s just high as a kite after surgery) as well as disgusting details about the ankle break. Commentators insisted on the fact that it was a “good tackle” and “no one’s fault” and “it could have happened to any player “ and “injuries are a part of the sport”, I shall let you all come to your own conclusions on that.
Commentators whenever someone gets injured
From Elena, who was too busy drinking to watch games on Sunday and has opted to tune in to non-sunday games:
Saints 30 Chargers 27
Don’t be fooled by the score- this game was not nearly as exciting as it looks. As we have previously established, we are anti-OT because if you can’t win a game in THREE HOURS you probably don’t deserve to win, and as much as I hate to admit it, this is definitely true for the Saints this week. Still missing my man Michael Thomas (though this week he was his own worst enemy because he was suspended for PUNCHING a teammate in practice, because, you know, toxic masculinity and all), the Saints offense basically pulled a Katrina and took a nap through most of this game. Then in the second half, when the Chargers had a 20-10 lead, Drew Brees was like OH and threw for 2 touchdowns. To be completely honest, sometimes I question my allegiance to the Saints, not just because of racially charged comments, disregard for public health, and horrendous past scandals, but mostly because I don’t think they have an interesting offensive play. It’s a lot of short passes, and punting and field goals which is a little boring in my opinion!!!!
Bills 16 Titans 42
Tuesday Night Football baby! They gotta write a whole new jingle for this season! In a battle of undefeated teams (Bills coming in 4-0 and Titans 3-0 because they skipped a game because… well, see the intro), Titans, and more specifically King Derrick Henry came out on top. Quarterback and kid who probably used the f-slur in middle school Ryan Tannehill had an excellent game but the real star here was the Titans defense, which made life pretty hard for the Bills by snagging two interceptions. Ironically, one of my sports podcasts (Shoutout ESPN Daily) Tuesday morning was all about the Bills being Super Bowl contenders and how GREAT josh allen has been this year at passing and not just running. It was sad to watch the Mafia lose at home, but all streaks must end eventually. Anyways, the important thing is that I watched this game while ALSO watching the premiere of the Bachelorette (America’s other favorite sport) and can say there were almost just as many football players, certainly the same amount of absurdly tight pants, and a lot of tears involved. No we are not getting into the Bachelorette Recap Game, but yes I will be comparing football to a reality show about finding love because if these players were HONEST WITH THEMSELVES that’s what sports are all about, but I guess y’all aren’t ready for that conversation.
Looking Forward
There’s so much exciting energy in the NFL right now! Will the Colts every find consistency? Will the Falcons find a better coach? Will the Jets just continue to fire players and blame anyone but Gase for their incompetence? Will Guiseppe Garoppolo’s ankle recover, or is there a curse lain upon the ankles of quarterbacks this season?! Only time will tell! We are absolutely living for this drama, even if we’re not thrilled with the actual sport itself. The only thing we know for sure is that apparently, COVID does not give a flying fuck about your fantasy team and is going to continue to fuck shit up on a weekly basis.
