Two words: BUTT. INTERCEPTION.
Katrina and I cracked open our laptops on Sunday and went to WORK for you guys. We want you to know how DEEPLY dedicated we are to crafting educated and accessible takes for everyone to enjoy the NFL this year. We most definitely spent the day analyzing the excellent level of play and NOT getting drunk on pumpkin beers.
Ok we got drunk on pumpkin beers. And completed Poll Worker training. Can you blame us? Those are pretty important!
We did watch football (see below) but here’s what we did not get to see, due to regional tv garbage rules: Baker Mayfield throwing multiple interceptions for the 11th time in his career, the Bengals blowing their lead (sorry joe!), the Patriots losing to the Broncos after COVID delayed their game, and the Texans losing an OT battle to the (still undefeated) Titans (because the OVERTIME RULES ARE STUPID). Apparently the Falcons heard us talking shit about them and actually pulled off a win (though, in typical fashion, they did blow their large lead).
We also chose to watch the Packers get their asses handed to them instead of seeing the Jets (whose in house drama is rivaling the current Kardashian fight) keep up a perfect losing streak and the Dolphins play HAWAIIAN PRINCE Tua Tagavailoa for the first time. The most disappointing part of not watching this game is missing what is quite possibly the best thing to happen yet this season: Jets defensive back Marvin Maye making an interception with his BUTT. So now if anyone gives us flack for talking about players’ butts, we can just say we’re watching the next great intercepter. On to the games we actually watched:
Giants 20 Washington Football Team 19
BREAKING NEWS. THE GIANTS HAVE WON A FOOTBALL GAME. Despite their best efforts they snagged their first dub of the season thanks to Daniel Jones saying “You wanna see some REAL SPEED?” I mean, as usual, I would not say this game was “interesting” but it was the only game we could watch at 1pm (again, ridiculous), so we were treated to mediocre football and the commentators responding to a potential spinal injury by saying “Well I believe in the power of prayer” (So I guess C.J should just pray hard!) and that “players know what they’re signing up for” (so it’s ok to see their bodies as commodities for the franchise I guess!) Washington QB Kyle Allen played pretty well, except for a fumble (inexcusable) and an interception (but Jones threw one too so I guess it evens out). Washington went for the W in their last play by trying for a 2pt conversion which I will say- hot take alert- IS NEVER WORTH IT. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE. But I wouldn’t have watched if they went into OT so thanks for saving me 15 minutes of my life Ron!
Bucs 38 Packers 13
Now if some of these close games aren’t great at holding our interest, I can tell you, a team trailing by three touchdowns at halftime is a sure way to put me to sleep. But everyone is talking about this game, as the Bucs defense completely shut down the previously undefeated Packers, and Aaron Rodgers threw his first interception of the season (and his second, about 4 minutes later). There was also a Pick-Six, which meant we chugged our pumpkin beers (would not recommend that course of action), and the commentators revealed after a TD pass that Tom Brady has hooked up with Gronk 91 times (and yet he won’t put a label on their relationship…@Gronk baby do not SETTLE for a man who just wants a hookup! You’re himbo husband material!) From Katrina: It is an extremely tall order to ask me to pay attention for 3 hours, add 5 beers to the mix and it’s a frickin miracle I saw any of this. I want to know when if ever the commentators will get tired of fan-girling about Tom Brady being the GOAT blah blah. Sure, but like, who cares. Old news guys.
49ers 24 Rams 16
From Katrina: I will admit that I didn’t watch all of this game (again, West Coast, this country is too damn big), but the great news is the 49ers are starting to shape up as people come back from injuries. Raheem Mostert is back surfing his way into the end zone (although apparently he has another high ankle sprain which is like, the trendy injury to have nowadays), George Kittle is frickin DEStROYing the Rams defense by just running fast as h*ck , Giuseppe Stromboli Garoppolo is back in business ! I went to bed and apparently sleep-asked Boyfriend if the 49ers won and was pleasantly surprised this morning when I realized it wasn’t a dream! And for the thousands of our fans asking about my fantasy record…let’s just say I am channelling the Steelers & the Titans.
Chiefs 26 Bills 17
What LUXURY to have two Monday Night football games (that happened to directly follow two Monday Afternoon futbol games). Sadly I think I am secretly becoming a bit of a Bills fan (because a.] I love the Sopranos and therefore all things Mafia and b.] I feel like Buffalo has very little else going for them) which hasn’t worked out well in the past two weeks. I blame the pundits who have spent those past two weeks so far up the ass of the Bills, claiming they’re winning their division and going to the Super Bowl, and that’s what we call ~ a jinx~. The Bills gave it their darndest, Josh Allen showing off his run game with eight carries and some solid throws, but they couldn’t overcome inconsistencies on offense and the star power of Clyde Edwards-Hélaire, who chalked up a hefty 161yds.
Bonus Game! Cardinals 38 Cowboys 10
I tuned into this game to check in on one of my boyfriends- DeAndre Hopkins who was off to a shaky start with just 1 completion in 5 attempted connections with Kyler Murray. But after a lot of will they/won’t they they did in fact hookup, but then Kyler also hooked up with Christian Kirk (and you know this will start drama!) for a 80yd deep TD pass. Play. Of. The. Game. Meanwhile the Cowboys, who as you will remember have their starting QB off believing in the power of prayer, failed to do pretty much ANYTHING on offense. I still have hope for them, mostly because their replacement QB looks like a leprechaun and I am convinced this is a remake of Luck of the Irish (just with football instead) and he will soon be gifted with amazing athletic abilities. Zeke “Feed Me” Elliot did not have a great game, giving up the ball with two fumbles (2furious) which didn’t help offensive woes.
Looking Forward
There’s just so much to talk about this week, but what we really can’t get past is this butt interception. You’re sitting there, reading this, thinking we are immature and that butts aren’t that funny. WRONG. Butts are hilarious. This play was ingenious. AND! On a more meta level, doesn’t it feel like all of us are just living through that moment that Fitzpatrick lived through when he threw that pass? 2020 is the butt interception of years. MOREOVER (yes, the butt ANALysis is continuing), the fact that the butt interception was made by a team that failed to score a single point in the game and boasts a winless record is even more reflective of the state of the world. Like all of us had our year intercepted by a butt (or maybe multiple butts) and FOR WHAT? To what end?!?! All this to say: Please vote.
