Winners & Losers of the Beijing 2022 Winter Games

Well folks it is hard to believe but these dang Olympic games are CLOSED the flame is EXTINGUISHED and the DREAMS ARE DEAD. For some. I think some people probably had fun but, idk, these games were full of controversy (to be expected) and Olympic Games in the modern corona times are feeling more and more out of touch with reality???? Anyways we know you come here for the JOKES more so than the political analysis (but I did write a paper on this once so lmk if you want the juicy deets on the failing olympic model), so let’s get into some Winners & Losers of these games.

Winner: China

I’ll say it NO ONE was talking about the Uyghurs after the opening ceremony, and though they made Beijing look like a run down industrial park and not a beautiful capital city I should want to visit, they managed to pull off these games with very little dissent and very little drama (well, drama concerning THEM that is), and for that they are perhaps the clearest winner of the day.

Loser: Father Time

From the ongoing dominance of speed skater Ireen Wuest, to the gold medal winning 80’s babies duo of Noah Baumgartner & Lindsay Jacobellis, it was a good Olympics to be a seasoned veteran. Outside of figure skating (actually outside specifically of women’s figure skating) experience is a huge asset to winter athletes, with many of them pushing ages as high as (trigger warning) THIRTY FIVE if you can even believe it. Now every other sport I have ever seen led me to believe by that age your bones turn to dust and you cannot move your muscles any more, but these stars have proved us wrong! Bad day to be an ageist!

He’s in a suit made of ice yes

Winner: Bing Dwen Dwen

This cuddly mascot was the talk of the town in Beijing!! The “little ice chubster” (as his name translates to) was sold out most places - people lined up overnight to get their hands on him. Imagine being so popular!!!

Loser: Xue Rhon Rhon

The cute “glowing lantern” Paralympics mascot was nowhere near as popular, with some residents calling him “ugly” “not cute” “boring” and “not Bing Dwen Dwen”. Not only is this like… super hurtful for Xue, it’s kind of ABLEIST considering he is the PARALYMPICS mascot!!! not cool guys!!

Winner: Kaori Sakamoto

The Japanese figure skater was the ONLY ONE happy to be on the podium after winning her medal, and her joy was infectious. On top of that she skated beautifully, obviously, with an artistic program that highlighted everything this sport SHOULD be. I (katrina) burst in to genuine spontaneous applause when she hit her jumps!

Loser: Alexandra Trusova

Homegirl was absolutely miserable coming in second (threw a FULL ON TEMPER TANTRUM and who can blame her? She spent years working on a quad and ruining her body (including probably preventing puberty to maintain her quads) and then she put all these quads (5! FIVE!! CINCO!!!) into a program and got a SILVER MEDAL. (probably because her artistry was simply non existant)You hate to see it!

Winner: Alexandra Trusova

Ok now I am sure she would not love this perspective but standing on the sidelines yelling “This is so unfair everyone has a gold medal but me I want a gold medal I hate this sport I hate the judges I won’t go onto the ice again I will never skate again” is truly ICON BEHAVIOR. Catch me reciting this every single time I am faced with ANY MINOR INCONVENIENCE. No notes, a flawless soliloquy.

Loser: Ski Jumping Outfits

Like 8 women were disqualified in the team events for their suits being too loose. I realize this is not that huge of a sport, especially for women, but like, this is the OLYMPICS guys? Can we pull it together a LITTLE BIT? Like literally, pull the fabric TOGETHER make it TIGHTER idk do something because I am over them getting dress coded as if they’re a girl wearing yoga pants in high school.

Tell me this isn’t live footage of Eteri after Kamila’s bad skate

Winner: Eteri Tutberidze

While we obviouslt do not SUPPORT this Russian Ice Skating coach who starves her athletes, delays puberty to achieve quad dominance, is ruining the sport and the bodies of her skaters with her focus on jumps, and overall made everyone miserable, I feel like she scammed her way in and out of these Olympics and still probably kept her job, which is pretty insane? I mean objectively she won, her skaters went 1-2, and the name dragged through the mud for doping was Kamila Valieva’s not hers. We don’t love it, but add a point for Team Villain.

Loser: NBC
I mean, for a lot of reasons, being the broadcaster of the Olympics is probably more work than it’s worth, especially when they take place on the opposite side of the world and it’s impossible to show most things live, and you’re not allowed to go because covid so instead you’re on Beijing time but in your own living room, but NBC hyped up all the wrong athletes, failed to show some of the best events live, and didn’t talk about half the stuff that was going on politically, which like, whatever.

Winner: Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir

Is there too much skating content in this post? Maybe but how could we nto talk about our favorite commentating dynamic duo! From throwing shade at the Russian team to their controversial silence during Kamila Valieva’s routine (She! Should! Not! Have! Skated!), Tara and Johnny did not hold back and we love them for that. Best of all, they did it in a series of increasingly ridiculous matching outfits, because they are the only ones who are giving the level of CAMP that this sport deserves. Honorable mention for Terry Gannon, despite being the straightest man to ever love a woman, gamely sported a coordinated pocket square. He’s a part of it!

Loser: Every Other Commentator

I mean how can they really compare????? I love a former snowboarder describing a run as “gnarly” as much of the next guy but in other fresstyle events they did not tell me what I needed to know about the jumps/flips (why is a corkscrew such a big deal? How are the tricks different? ASSUME I KNOW NOTHING!) and they need to step! it! up!

Winner: The Word Sketchy

Never in its etymological history has this word gotten so much respect as it does at the Olympics. Could you describe a trick that was not flawless in a better, perhaps more sophisticated way? Of course, but why would we! The word sketchy is right there and we will be taking advantage of it!

Loser: The USA

Did we win some medals? Yeah, I am sure we did. Did our athletes have fun? Tbh, hard to say. But we got FAR TOO MANY silver medals and baby if you’re not first you’re last! Most of all, after hate watching her medal in all three events she competed in, I am pissed at Eileen Gu for not wanting to play with us! You’re welcome for your college education Eileen!!!!! and your FREEDOM Good luck with your very successful modeling career or whatever!!!!

Winner: Oskar Eriksson

Despite us BEGGING YOU to watch Curling I know many of you did not tune in nearly enough (in fact, I heard from one reader that there was “too much curling on” which is so offensive I cannot dignify it with a response. Shame!). And do you know how I know you didn’t watch? Because NO ONE was talking about this man, who is so incredibly hot (and talented at curling but like, whatever) that I cannot look directly at him. Oskar, we love you, please make yourself the face of the sport.

Loser: Every Sled not from Germany

While watching the 2-woman races in the bobsled, the announcer was prepping the audience to watch the first of two german teams head down the track, and shared the fact that the Germans had won nearly every sledding race at the games, just not the Monobob, an event in which everyone had to use the same type of sled. Now I realize that was a run on sentence, but I heard this and thought: Why are the Germans so good at these sports? And then I thought: why are we using ANY OTHER TYPE OF SLED???? and i also thought WAIT THE SLEDS AREN’T STANDARDIZED???Like can we just order German brand sleds? We drive German brand cars!!!!! Anyway I think it might be rigged.

Winner: Wind

Our great foe wind (been on record for YEARS as anti-wind)had an incredible Olympics, thriving much more than he did during the summer games. Wind resulted in the postponement of roughly half of the alpine skiing events, and was a frequent medal contender on the halfpipe, including during the freestyle ski when the event SHOULD have been postponed. The dominance continues and it’s disappointing to see this limit the development of other stars in sport!

Loser: The Environment

I mean for reasons already alluded to, these games are not sustainable. They were supposed to be the “most environmentally friendly games ever,” which 1) is a bold faced lie anyway (artificial sneaux) and 2) even if it was true that doesn’t mean much because when you add in all the energy used to GET to the Olympics, it does NOT balance out and 3) on top of all that, all the sponsors for the games are like, frigging TOYOTA which WAKE UP is not the most sustainable company in the world! Agh.

Winner: This Abandoned Steel Plant

Did this queen expect to be shown on international television nearly every day for 15 days? Probably not, because if she did she might’ve asked for a new coat of paint or maybe she’d have put on a little make up. No matter! While others may visit Beijing to see the Forbidden City or head over to the Great Wall of China, not enough people are talking about this no-longer-functioning steel plant which, I’ll say it, is GIVING! Go off queen!

Loser: The Closing Ceremonies

Never has the T.S Eliot quote about the world ending not with a bang but with a whimper been true: the Winter Olympics come in SO HOT with SO MUCH ACTION in the first couples days that by day 16 there is literally nothing left to watch and honestly, the closing ceremonies are an afterthought. Like I watched obviously, but not intently, and the broadcast made a big deal about Elana Meyers Taylor getting to carry our flag at the closing ceremonies because she had covid during the opening ceremonies and didn’t get to but to be HONEST if I was Elana I would have passed. Most of the athletes headed home early anyway! I’m not sure if there’s a solution for any of this but if ANYONE knows how to prolong a goodbye more than you ever thought possible, it’s the French, so hopefully there is some redemption for the Closing Ceremonies in 2024.

Did you manage to tune in?? If so, drop your favorite Olympic moment in the comments, and let us know if you are more #IceChubster or #XueBae (it rhymes in mandarin!)