Everyday is for the Girls: Women’s World Cup GROUPS Part 1
GROUP A
France (Ranked 4th)
Nickname: Les Bleues (added the e because we gotta make it girly!)
Qualification: Calling this “The Road to France” was redundant, as they were already IN France, so FIFA just told them they can compete. You can all go home now, they already won
History: These babies are in their Golden Era (la belle epoque part 2) They supposedly were favored to win in 2015 (as if anyone could beat the stars and stripes on their road to redemption) They’ve never made it to the finals, and often bow out in tournaments to big names like Germany or England but are looking to match the men’s team’s success. I mean not being sexist but truly nothing can match the incredible win this past summer I still cry thinking about it.
Coach- Corrine Diacre: this woman looks TERRIFYING, as most middle aged french women do, but she was groundbreaking as the first woman to coach a men’s team in France! She played for Les Bleues as a defender, and now brings her cool head to the Golden Generation of French football.
MAJOR KEYS- Amandine Henry: “has won everything there is to win with Lyon” (those bitches bad). Team captain, has great technique, and puts it in the goal, frequently. Plus, she has a pretty name!
Eugenie Le Sommer- Vice-captain and ALSO a Lyon Player, also incredibly blonde and french looking, she’s a creative player who makes great chances on goal, and guides the team’s boss bitch strategy.
Wendie Renard- Hailing from Martinique (which counts as France because colonization), this fox (that’s what renard means) has been on winning squads for the Coupe de France (with Lyon no surprise) and the SheBelieves Cup. However she’s scored 0 international goals in the past two years.
Expectations: As the home country, and compared to their male counterparts, the pressure is on for la France. Their ranking, almost guaranteed ability to scoot past the group stage, and recent success in friendlies (including a January 2019 win over the USA) all show promise, but it’s unclear if they’ll make it past quarterfinals, where they’ll probably face Germany. But unlike the haters who underestimated Mbappe last summer, many have picked them as a favorite, And we all know how French-German faceoffs have gone historically. (see: the Maginot Line circa 1940)
South Korea (14th)
Nickname: Taeguk Nangja aka Taeguk (see: their flag) Ladies
Qualification: After missing the semifinals of the Asian Cup, the Ladies snagged the 5th and final qualification spot awarded to the AFC by beating the Philippines in a 5-0 shut out.
History: This will be SK’s 3rd World Cup Appearance (and the 2nd in which their group has had Norway - tough luck) following qualifications in ‘03 and ‘15. They’ve never made it past the round of 16, they’ve never been to an Olympics, but they did come in 3rd in the Asian Games of 2018 and will be looking to make a name for themselves this time around.
Coach- Yoon Deok-yeo: *goes to one world cup* *retires to coach* This guy is all about DEFENSE. He focuses on not conceding goals which is a great way to tie matches, but you only win if you score!
MAJOR KEYS- Ji Soyun- Playmaker, record holder for goal-scoring, and the cornerstone of this South Korean Side, Ji has played internationally since the age of 15. She currently plays for Chelsea.
Cho So-hyun- Captain, most-capped player on the squad, Cho is regarded as one of the finest players to come out of SK. She plays for West Ham, making her the only other player on a non-Korean club.
Expectations: SK will try to use their impenetrable defense to coast to advancement on draws, but after reading this team’s history (despite being as long as the country’s, it’s not successful) and looking at their recent performances at the Cup of Nations and the Four Nations Tournament (mostly losses), it looks to us that South Korea should maybe just spend some time on the Riviera, because advancing seems unlikely.
Norway (13th)
Nickname: GRASSHOPPENE (bc you know, grasshoppers are totally what I think of when I think of Norway)
Qualification: They won their qualification group in EURO Qualifying. Success is...boring?
History: These gals have NEVER missed a World Cup. Remember that unofficial cup before the tournament even started? They were there. They literally liked the World Cup before it was cool. AND they took the title in ‘95. However, in recent years their success has dwindled from the 1990’s glory days (relatable). Troubles with their coaching staff and embarrassing losses have plagued recent World Cup appearances, but they’re hoping to stage a comeback and a BONUS is Norway officially ruled in 2017 that the men’s and women’s teams would receive equal compensation! Why are all nordic countries so perfect!
Coach- Martin Sjögren: So after some disastrous results in the 2000’s, the grasshoppene brought back their glory days coach Even Pellerud (I guess Even is a name now) to boost them back up but after he left (for a second time, there’s no way this team doesn’t have daddy issues) Martin has come in with mixed results (i.e. not advancing past the group stage in EURO 2017).
MAJOR KEYS- Maren Mjelde- A decade-long fixture on the Grasshoppene and a player for Chelsea, Maren is versatile and known for playmaking and (deadass) dead-ball skills
Andrine Hegerberg- Though somewhat overshadowed by her younger, more successful sister Ada (must be how Katrina feels this is incredibly rude and fake news), Andrine was a star on the youth squads and currently plays for PSG.
Expectations: Well first you should expect a lot of beautiful bone structures and VERY Scandinavian names from this squad (Like Mjelde) but in terms of performance they are a bit of a wildcard. After their star Ada Hegerberg (Ballon d’Or winner & Lyon player) left international play in 2016, the team’s definitely suffered. The tumultuous past few years show that they tend to crack under pressure, and this is by no means an easy group to conquer.
Nigeria (39th)
Nickname: The Super Falcons (their men’s team: The Super Eagles) (lots of birds in Nigeria?)
Qualification: Secured with their recent CAF Win (despite tough matchups with South Africa & Cameroon).
History: The Super Falcons are 11x African Cup Champions but they’ve been unable to extend their success on a broader level. Like Norway, they’ve never missed a World Cup. Unlike Norway, they’ve never advanced past the Quarterfinals. World Cup Experience ≄ World Cup Success
Coach- Thomas Dennerby: Probably a Swedish spy (European imperialism amiright ladies) and definitely a man (never forget MEN ARE SNAKES), I am not super-pro-Thomas but he did coach the blue-yellow to 3rd place in 2011 and has long-term coaching experience that could prove valuable.
MAJOR KEYS- Asisat Oshoala: The fiercest striker on their squad, Oshoala is a key weapon in their attack, having scored 11 goals in 17 appearances. Experience with Liverpool and now, Barcelona.
Onome Ebi: Captain with experience playing in Sweden (and currently China, which seems to be the female equivalent of retiring to MLS), Ebi is essential for the Nigerian defense.
Desire Oparanozie: Playing for the French club Guingamp (incidentally a very cool club because it’s fan-owned) and previously in Turkey and Germany, Oparanozie’s experience and cool-headed play has led the Falcons to victory in the past.
Expectations: This Nigerian side has a lot of experience, and multiple players who are on clubs in Europe. They’re an underdog in the group (France has consistently shut them out in every friendly they’ve ever had) but MIGHT pull off a miracle if they can push past the South Korean defense. Unlikely.
GROUP A EXPECTATIONS: According to French coach Corrine this group is “tough”, but we’d say unpredictable. It’s likely that France will advance ALLEZ MES BELLES ALLEZ and, if they pull their shit together, our money’s on Norway to pull through in 2nd. FIFA claims the interesting matchup is between the Norway-Nigerian “rivals” (seems fake, considering all the scandinavians are supposed to be rivals because they think they’re “different” “countries”), but we’re interested to see South Korea’s unbeatable defense, Norway’s quest for glory, and Nigeria’s attempt to overcome their ranking. Considering France has to beat big teams on their road to victory, our #mustseematch for the group is France-Norway (June 12th, 3pm EST). pls use our hashtags thx
GROUP B
Germany (2nd)
Nickname: Die Nationalelf (National Elves. What? It’s the National 11? Nah.) Also we talking elves like Arwen or elves like Santa because that makes a big diff.
Qualification: After losing to Iceland (the slayers of giants) early on in qualifying, Germany rubbed their eyes and was like oh, wait, we have to WIN watches to make it to the World Cup? And then proceeded to win the next 7 games and their group. (flexin on these hos)
History: Like their male counterparts, these gals slay the pitch. They’ve been to every women’s World Cup thus far and won twice. Germany is the only country to have titles in both the women’s and men’s tournament (HOORAY FOR EQUALITY!). They’re defending Olympic Champions and even though they didn’t make it past the quarterfinals in EURO 2017, they’ve been on top before and will come back for their crown.
Coach- Martina Voss-Tecklenburg: Former coach of the Swiss National Team, Martina has coached since retiring from her own incredibly successful career on the German side. She transformed the Swiss side into an actual contender, and now is back in her home country itching for a title.
MAJOR KEYS- Dzsenifer Marozsan: Even though her name looks like you sneezed while writing Jennifer, Marozsan is synonymous with playmaking and is an uncontested leader of her squad.
Alexandra Popp: Team captain, Popp is an incredible player AND once studied to be a zookeeper. ( A friend to the animals is a friend of mine!) She plays dirty (received a red card in the champions league final vs. Lyon which led to their loss) and wants the World Cup title to be the “jewel in her crown”.
Expectations: The Germans are a serious title contender. Recent friendly win against Sweden and draw with Japan show they are in fine form and ready for a run at the title. Yes, they already have 2 but when have they ever been satisfied with what they already have? See: the invasion of Poland circa 1939. Haha too soon or?
China (16th)
Nickname: Steel Roses (bad. ASS.)
Qualification: Victories over Thailand and the Philippines led to a smooth qualification in the Asian Cup, where they struck out in quarterfinals.
History: The Steel Roses are no strangers to the World Cup Stage and even contended for a title once before, but haven’t made it past the quarter finals since 1999.
Coach- Jia Xiuquan: With history playing on the men’s side, Jia has coached several clubs and youth teams. However he’s also been accused of fixing matches in the past so it looks like even though Russia isn’t in the Women’s World Cup this year we can’t say it won’t be rigged! RIGGED!!!!!
MAJOR KEYS- Li Ying: Li dazzled at the Asian Cup, scoring 7 goals in 5 matches. She’s a solid striker and a well-known name on the continental stage.
Wang Shuang: One of the only players on the side who has international club experience, Wang currently plays for PSG. ICI C’EST PARIS
Expectations: I wouldn’t bet against the Chinese, but they’re also not my top pick to advance. But like. .Steel Roses? Not going down easy. Also let’s not discount the rigging factor. We called Russia rigging the Men’s World Cup and they beat Spain handily which if you ask me is super SUS, proving that we are always right. This guy already has a rep for rigging so I am on guard.
Spain (13th)
Nickname: La Roja
Qualification: Homegirls are here to kick ass and take names and made that clear in their PERFECT qualification campaign, winning all 8 matches , scoring 25 goals and only conceding 2.
History: Despite only qualifying for one other World Cup, their Youth Teams are incredibly successful, winning U-17 and U-19 continental titles. Spain’s soccer history comes from UNDERGROUND clubs working to get recognition pretty alternative you haven’t even heard of them. Oh you like spain? Name 3 of their albums.
Coach- Jorge Vilda: Damn I don’t even care if this dude can coach he’s a Class-A-Hot-Tea. He also has rejuvenated the team since Canada 2015, making big tactical changes. Also his eyes glow with the hope of a bright future and I’m on board with it. @Jorge: Call me.
MAJOR KEYS- Irene Paredes: The Ngolo Kante (NGOLO NGOLO KANTE) of the Spanish side (in that she’s a defender but still an essential player who defines the way they create opportunities). Plays for PSG.
Marta Torrejón: Captain and most-capped player on the team, Marta started in the Superliga at just 14 years old! This is her 2nd World Cup and she’s trying to make money moves.
Expectations: La Roja doesn’t have a long history of success but they have hot youngsters playing to make them come up strong. They’re looking to bring that signature tika taka style their men have made infamous and advance for the first time. Pro tip : if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, talk about tiki taka when Spain plays. Primer here
South Africa (49th)
Nickname: Banyana Banyana (which translates to The Girls) (has anyone told them that…they’re ALL girls here…or…..)
Qualification: By defeating Mali in the semifinal of the African Cup of Nations, South Africa sealed the deal for their first ever world cup. WAKA WAKA HEY HEYY
History: WORLD CUP VIRGINS they are just #happytobehere. They might not have a lot of history in the cup but they’re making history by being here and that is what I’m HERE FOR.
Coach- Desiree Ellis: A pioneer of women’s football in South Africa and the first African to win the COSAFA as a player and a coach. She played and coached for the Ladies’ Spurs (come on you Spuuuurs) and also used to be a butcher so….don’t fuck with her.
MAJOR KEYS- Janine van Wyk: Van Wyk is the most capped South African player, male or female. Also the first African player to reach 150 caps. Girl is EXPERIENCED and a great defender.
Portia Modise: Part of the 100 goals club, Modise is a superstar on the attack.
Expectations: Ok yes, based on FIFA rankings South Africa is an outsider in terms of chance for advancement. But wouldn’t it be super fun if they did? Am I biased for the underdog? ALWAYS. THIS TIME FOR AFRICA Future sports movie narratives aside, South Africa hasn’t exactly “won” a lot of games recently so they’re likely to tap out after the group stage.
GROUP B EXPECTATIONS: Putting Germany aside as a done deal, it looks like China and Spain will be fighting out for second spot. I would watch to see how Germany dominates (because we are sort of rooting for France who might have to face them in the quarterfinals) but the #mustseematch will be in the race for second place between China-Spain June 17th, 12pm EST
GROUP C
Australia-6th
Nickname: The Matildas (Listen. I love Roald Dahl’s novel and Danny Devito’s role as Matilda’s dad as much as anyone. But the fact that the men’s team is the socceroos and the women are this is just plain SEXISM.) (UNLESS maybe they can also move objects with their minds??? In which case I would watch the F out everyone else!!!)
Qualification: Entered qualifiers in “superb form”, they served Vietnam an 8-0 defeat.
History: The artists formerly known as the female socceroos (I just found out the nickname was “changed” in ‘95 to the matildas after a FOLK SONG literally not intimidating at ALL) have enjoyed a great amount of success in Oceania and Southeast Asia. They, like their men’s team, were the first team to win titles in different conferences, however they’ve yet to see that success replicated when facing off against European challengers. They’ve consistently ranked within the FIFA top 10 but haven’t advanced past the quarterfinals in the 6 cups they’ve attended.
Coach- Ante Milicic- BRAND NEW stepping on the scene in February: they’ve upped the Ante (Sorry, had to). Ante does not have a lot of time to turn this scrappy team of nobodies into a world cup winning side. No worries- he helped the men through the the last 2 World Cups as assistant coach and that was REAL soccer so!
MAJOR KEYS- Sam Kerr- Shortlisted for player of the year last year, a major threat on the attack. She’s captain, plays for the Red Stars in Chi Town. She comes from an Indian-Australian family and he brothers professionally play Australian Football (which seems like my new favorite sport).
Lisa De Vanna- the most-capped and one of the more experienced players on the Matildas side, De Vanna is noted for pace and dribbling skills and despite the fact that she’s only 5’1”, she’s a menace.
Expectations: I mean their new kits are INCREDIBLE and I think it would be hard for them to lose looking that fly. Also they’re all BEAUTIFUL. That being said, and ignoring Jamaica for the easy win it should give everyone in this group, Australia has a solid chance but won’t be cruising through the group stage.
Italy (15th)
Nickname: Azzurre (yes this means blues, yes this is appropriation of french culture, no I don’t support it.)
Qualification: Slid into a safe qualification spot with a match to spare, with 7 wins in 7 matches. Then they lost to Belgium (it didn’t matter but I just wanted to include it to blemish their rep).
History: This marks Italy’s first world cup in TWENTY YEARS. They’re out here trying to party like it’s 1999. Their history has been uneventful, never advancing past the quarterfinals, but is this their time? If mobsters in NYC can use their Italian heritage to escape jail time, I’m sure these gals can find it in themselves to win a few matches. NICE CUP TROPHY YA GOT THERE BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING...HAPPENED TO IT
Coach- Milena Bertolini: After spending 15 years on the team herself, Bertolini is ready to bring the squad to glory after taking over in 2017.
MAJOR KEYS- Sara Gama: A star for the female Juventus side (unrelated but FUCK juventus), Gama made her debut for the national team in ‘06 and has been killing it on defense since, earning her the captain’s band and over 80 caps.
Barbara Bonansea: A Juventus player (again gtfo juventus), Bonansea is the key to Italy’s offense. Her style is described as snakey (#NOSNAKES) and she “slaloms” by opponents like issa ski slope.
Expectations: After their star Melania Gabbiadini retired in 2017, Italy hasn’t had the strongest attack. Hopefully with stars like Bonansea they can put their scoring foot forward and advance for the first time since 1991.
Brazil (10th)
Nickname: Seleção (National Squad) / As Canarinhas (Female Canaries)
Qualification: Brazil knocked down everyone in their way on their path to the World Cup. They scored 31 goals along the way, and only conceded 2, nbd.
History: The most successful South American women’s team, They’ve tasted life in the final, as 2007 runners-up, and They. Want. More. Always the bridesmaid, they’ve also collected 3 silvers at the Olympics. On a more interesting note, the team has had some major DRAMA since 2017, where disputes with their federation over respect/wages led to several players announcing their retirement. So if you’ve heard about the USWNT lawsuit… Brazil did it first.
Coach- Vadao (quick aside but my favorite thing is that Brazil is a country of Madonnas; they all use one name): This is his second stint as Brazilian coach, after taking a breather between cups to rejuvenate a club team in São Paulo. The first time around, he helped win PanAm Games and place 4th at the Olympics, since his return Brazil established their dominance by winning Copa America.
MAJOR KEYS- Marta- I’m sorry if y’all don’t know who Marta is my five fingers have WORDS for your face. She’s the Beyonce of Women’s football, I have NO REGRETS about that comparison. She’s been in the game since she being discovered at 14. No one else compares, she’s a top scorer (on her team and in Women’s World Cup History), captain, and voted Best Women’s Player a record 6 times.
Expectations: As Peritos, we should be placing our bets with our Italian sisters (salud family is everything), but Brazil's quest for glory is REAL. Also soccer is LIFE in Brazil, even Women’s Soccer so they have the weight of the country’s expectations on their shoulders. (which always ends well!)
Jamaica (53rd)
Nickname: Reggae Girlz (aaaaand they just won me over NO WOMAN NO CRY)
Qualification: (finally some answers as to how the hell a not-top-50 team slid into a 24 team tournament) Jamaica marked their inaugural qualification with a penalty shootout victory over Panama in the CONCACAF Championship. Thy also snagged a third place title in the process.
History: Baby’s first world cup! They truly are babies, considering the team was disbanded in 2008 after failing to get out of their group at the Olympics and recently reformed in 2014. The team is backed by Bob Marley’s daughter (I shot the sheriff but I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY)
Coach- Hue Menzies (I guess we will all ignore the fact that his name sounds like menses) With 30 years of coaching under his belt, Menzies has been with the Girlz since their comeback.
MAJOR KEYS- Konya Plummer: One of the youngest captains in the tournament, Plummer said she just wants to “do the Carribean proud”. She currently plays at UCF (as in the Florida University).
Jody Brown: Another youngster, Brown is a teenager, who plays with the American club Montverde. She was essential in sealing the deal for Jamaica’s maiden voyage to the cup.
Expectations: The Girlz are a longshot in terms of advancing, but we’re glad they’re here anyway! ONE LOVE Considering their six-year hiatus and the fact that 2018 was their first time in recent history even being ranked by FIFA, it would be nice to just score a goal.
GROUP C EXPECTATIONS: This is one of the most interesting groups to watch in terms of advancement, but also in broader terms when discussing the women’s sport. The fact that Jamaica is even here is a miracle, and we’re excited to see how such a young squad stands up against giants. Meanwhile Brazil is fighting for the same respect their men’s side receives and Australia, who basically has the same colors, will need to settle that who wore-it-best beef with Brazil on the pitch. Their matchup is the closest of the group, making it a #mustseematch (June 13th, 12pm EST)
