The Perito Girls' Guide to the 2018 World Cup: An Intro
Oh, did you miss us? Well WE BACK FOLKS with the latest fresh World Cup news hot off the presses! For reference: Most comments in single parentheses are Katrina’s comments, double parentheses are Elena’s more sophisticated and educated comments. (extremely rude!!! FAKE NEWS!!!)
Special Thanks to Contributions from: Ben Perotin, Noted Sports Watcher and Star Player Specialist!
Our motto: Oh h*ck no Russia
Our hashtag: #PutinTheGoal (get it? Like PUTIN?! Jokes are better when explained)
If you’re not too invested: Skip history & locations, peep group profiles. We’ve featured a #mustseematch for each that should highlight drama without the commitment.
Editors’ Note- We alternate between saying soccer and football because BOTH are okay ways to refer to this sport. If you have a problem take your pretentious butt outta here! SPORTS FOR ALL!!
Lets fucking GO y’all there is NOTHING like a world cup to make us Americans remember soccer exists and then remember AGAIN that our men suck at playing it. We’ll be breaking down the groups, our predictions, and why Russia will definitely probably be cheating their way to the top in the next few posts, but first, lets breakdown the tourney set up.
UPDATES FOR 2018:
-20 countries coming to this Cup competed in 2014.
-We got some first timers: Iceland and Panama!!!! Welcome guys #justhappytobehere! Iceland is now the smallest nation (by population- 330,000) to EVER compete!
-Back at it after 3+ tourneys OUT of play: Morocco, Egypt, Peru, Senegal. (Back at it again with the white cleats) ((that joke isn’t dated it’s vintage))
-WHO ISN’T INVITED: 4x champ Italia (our people), 3x Runner Up Champ Netherlands (le shock!!!!) 4 continental champs- Cameroon, Chile, New Zealand, USA (disgraceful ugh this is why the women’s cup is arguably BETTER), Ghana & Ivory Coast ((who have been around for the last couple cups))
RULES & REGULATIONS #SCAM #RIGGED #BRIBERY #CORRUPTION #RELEASETHEPEETAPE
If you’re thinking soccer? What is? Check out this article for a quick refresh. The Cup is a tournament starting with GROUP PHASE! Everybody plays each other. Best team advances to the KNOCKOUT PHASE (one loss and you’re done RIP)((here for a good time, not a long time))
At the end of group phase, tiebreakers may be used such as:
points in group matches
goal differential
overall goals scored in all matches
If teams equal after those:
Points in group matches between teams
Goal difference between two teams
Goals scored by two teams
And FAIR PLAY points
FAIR PLAY POINTS (we need to have semblance of justice!!! And cheaters NEVER win!!!)
1st yellow card = -1 pt
Direct RED CARD= -4 pts (you bad, you bad, you bad)
Indirect RED CARD (aka 2 yellow)= -3 pts
Yellow + Direct RED CARD= -5 pts
Knockout phase:
2 periods of 15 min extra time
PKs ((literally ridiculously stressful for me as a spectator and I do NOT appreciate this))
Qualifications:
This is very complicated because it depends on continent so for more deets you can check here ((or ask Elena because she read alllllllll the wikipedia pages)) (but it’s boring) but here’s how many spots per continent. The .5 means that the next team ((so, for example, whoever’s in 5th at end of Asia qualifying)) goes onto the Interconfederational Playoffs to vie those spots.
Asia- 4.5 teams Africa- 5 teams North/Central America- 3.5
South America- 4.5 Oceania- .5 spots Europe- 12 spots ( SEEMS RIGGED!!!!)
Now I know y’all are like yawn boring we hate rules we want to see Luis Suarez BITE his opponents and we want to make Lionel Messi cry for Argentina. ALL IN GOOD TIME young ones. All in good time.
