World Cup Part 3: Groups E-H
I will say it seems absurd that there are EIGHT groups. That is so many? Like think about it this way. There are 32 teams. That’s how many teams play the FULL SEASON of american football. And we are packing this all into ONE MONTH? Clear your schedules and buckle up.
GROUP E
Costa Rica (25th)
Qualification: Bitches slid right through with that auto-qualify by placing third in CONCACAF before the last round of “The Hex” ((part of qualification that sounds cool and NOT BORING @KATRINA))
Coach: Oscar Ramirez- promoted from assistant coach, he’s been large and in charge since 2015. Never coached out of Costa Rica! I don’t care what you say, these hoes ARE loyal!
MAJOR KEYS:
Bryan Ruiz- Team captain & left-footed midfielder. Killed it in qualifying, plays club in Portugal.
Keylor Navas- Real Madrid player, has over 70 caps and is one of the more experienced players on the squad. This is his 2nd World Cup. ((Also a cool name??))Nicknames: Los Ticos/ La Sele -“the selection”/ La Muerte ((DEATH! ominous but also inevitable))
World Cup Street Cred/History: Made it to quarterfinals in 2014 Cup, hoping to repeat and build on that success. They are the most successful football team in Central America ((only one to attend 4 World Cups)), and they kicked our booties in a 4-0 qualifying match. They’ve won CONCACAF 3x.
Expectations: Friendly matches in October did not show great promise vs better teams like Spain, and vs not-so-better teams like Hungary, but they have lofty goals.
Serbia (35th)
Qualification: Won their EURO qualifying group, easing in to 2018.
Coach: Mladen Krstajić- Literally what is this name where are the vowels! Repped Serbia & Montenegro back in the day (2006). Not a lot else to say about him because he was placed in caretaker charge of the team after last coach was FIRED in NOVEMBER. Scandal!!!
MAJOR KEYS:
Branislav Ivanovic: Captain of the team for 6 years and 100+ caps, he’s their strongest and most experienced player. Played Slayed for Chelsea before trading to Russian team ((a SPY!!!)). Nicknames: Orlovi ((The Eagles. Unoriginal fam! Why don’t you call yourselves “The War Crimes” because that is both scary and accurate! Haha just kidding we love all nations kinda))
World Cup Street Cred/History: Didn’t make the 2014 cup, but they back. Basically they’ve been nothing too special for like the past 10 years ((which is why they fired their coach but still seems like poor timing)). Serbia is mean (( by that I mean their fans STONED a British player once because he’s black)) They take credit for all Yugoslavian victories and history ((seems like...a load of sh*t.)) They also claim their success has been curbed by sanctions imposed during the Yugoslav wars (but idk you usually get sanctions for a reason??). As far as their actual competitive record, their best World Cup finish was 3rd, they’ve got 1 Olympic Gold, and are 2x EURO Runners-up.
Expectations: Don’t expect them to make it far what with their star actually being a Russian saboteur! Weakest in their group. Also their fans are racist! #Sorrynotsorry these are not our faves!
Brazil (2nd)
Qualification: First South American team to qualify! Quel surprise amiright
Coach: Tite- like most of his players, he only has needs one name. Since he took over in 2016, Brazil has had a remarkable rise; they literally could not be beat.
MAJOR KEYS:
Neymar- 2nd World Cup, only 26, he’s already a star & the heir to Pele’s legacy. His recent switch from Barcelona to PSG was the most expensive of the season. He’d been sidelined since February with a foot injury, but recently played in a friendly vs. Croatia and scored so he seems cup ready. (PSG fans are obsessed)
Thiago Silva- 69 international caps. Did I include him for this reason? Maybe. (haha nice) Also, he plays alongside Neymar for PSG.
Phillippe Coutinho - AKA TRAITOR. After many years as star of Liverpool bETRAYED the good guys to go to Barcelona this January. That’s fine, they are doing fine without him. Despite being a midget, he is known for scoring crazy goals from far out.Nicknames: Selecao, Canarinho ((Lil Canary. idk this doesn’t seem so fierce?))
World Cup Street Cred/History: They slay so hard. 5 World Cup titles, making them most successful team in this competition. Thwarted on their road to the final in 2014 by Germany. They’ve won PanAm Championships 2x, Copa America 8x, Confederations Cup 4x, and 1 Olympic Gold. As they say, “The Europeans invented soccer. The Brazilians perfected it.”
Expectations: Squad is pretty young, but they are super skilled. Betting odds currently have them as the favorites, but lest we forget, they were STRONGLY favored to win on home turf and DID NOT (hahaha 7-1 loss to Deutschland). With their new coach((roll TITE)), they’ve been on the up & up, so who can say!! Plus their group is NO walk in the park so they really can’t coast past the group stages.
Switzerland (6th) LA SUISSE
Qualification: 1-0 Playoff win over Northern Ireland sealed their spot.
Coach: Vlad Petrovic- You might be sus of this Russian sounding name-- dw he’s Bosnian. This is his 1st FIFA Competition, but he showed skills by leading the squad to Round of 16 at EURO 2016.
MAJOR KEYS:
Granit Xhaka- Swiss player of the year of 2017. Plays for Arsenal in club. He was a surprise star at the 2014 cup and is looking to make the ol’ white cross proud once again.
Stephen Lichtstein: Captain & most caps on the current squad. Defender, plays for Juventus.Nicknames: Most commonly Le Nati, ALSO Rossocrociati ((They pretend this means national team but it’s Red Crusaders))(i feel like their names don’t respect all languages of the nation! Rude?!)
World Cup Street Cred/History: 10 World cup appearances, best finish was quarterfinals, but it’s been awhile. 4 appearances at EURO, best finish was Round of 16.
Expectations: This is apparently their peak, so they are not settling for modest ambitions. They’ve got a lot of strong players thanks to investing in youth programming, however attacking is still an issue. Match vs. Brazil could shed light on how they’ll do vs. tough nations outside of group phase, particularly since some critics say they had an easy route to qualifying (weird penalty call vs Northern Ireland), known for not conceding goals, often will go on long streaks without doing so.
GROUP E EXPECTATIONS: Definitely going to be Brazil taking first, most likely followed by Switzerland. However Costa Rica won’t take a loss lying down and Serbia is known for being a sneaky b*tch so anything could happen. Peep CRC vs SRB Sunday, June 17th 8am.
GROUP F
Germany
Qualification: Won their group in EURO Qualifying
Coach: Joachim Low- Other than being the lost Beatle, Joachim’s experience includes 12 years of assistant coaching. Was #2 to OG coach Jurgen Klinsmann, who’s name you know because he coached FAILING U.S TEAM in 2014 & 2018 (Rip our dreamz) ((but now we getting new guy))
MAJOR KEYS:
Toni Kroos- One of the finest midfielders in his generation. Was on the 2014 squad which won the cup, and has 2 champions league titles under his belt ((one with Munich, one with Madrid))
Thomas Müller- I specifically looked this dude up because he was so memorable from 2014. A forward with plenty of experience, he plays club with Munich. Nicknames: Die Mannschaft / National 11((we get it you love Stranger Things))/The Team (original)
World Cup Street Cred/History: This is a squad of depth and experience. They’ve attended 18 World Cups and have won 4 titles but really they’ve won 1 title and WEST Germany won 3 titles. Expectations: Certain outlets have Germany as a strong favorite ((and they are WRONG!)). They have consistently proven to be a strong team capable of going far in the Cup. Primary weaknesses are their forwards. They have top tier goalie, defense, and midfield, but are a bit less lethal at the striker position than some of their counterparts but have SOLID counterattacks. Danger for them if they don’t win the group and have to face Brazil early. Undefeated in 2017, scored a record 43 goals in qualifying. They’re favored, as they attempt to win an unprecedented back to back Cups!
Mexico
Qualification: Beat panama to rank high in qualifying with 3 matches to spare
Coach: Juan Carlos Orsorio- From Colombia originally, coach since 2014. Likes to switch things up!
MAJOR KEYS:
Javier Hernandez aka Chicharito- All time leading goal scorer. Played in 2010 and 2014 cups, scoring 3x. Won champions league with Real Madrid in 2014.
Guillermo Ochoa- Goalkeeper with 90+ caps. Nicknamed Memo, plays for a Belgian club. ((And yes, I did include him because we share a birthday. Also bc I love these NICKNAMES and I want one))Nicknames: El Tri
World Cup Street Cred/History: Never failed to make it to the cup in their 15 qualifying attempts. They’ve won CONCACAF 10x, most recently in 2015. They won Olympic Gold in 2012. Played their first ever World Cup match, vs. France, on July 13th 1930 ((tbh I might have to root for them just because of all these references to my birthday it is clearly fate)). Rivals with Team USA.
Expectations: Mexico is a regular on the Cup scene, keep getting knocked out in the Round of 16. Reaching quarter-finals would be a success! They did a great job in qualifying and in friendlies.
Sweden
Qualification: Finished second in their Euro Qualifying group.
Coach: Janne Andersson- vastly experienced, let club team to a title. Took charge of national team after Euro 2016 and rejuvenated squad, leading them to UPSET Italy in qualifying.
MAJOR KEYS: ((it is implied they have The Power of EuroPop & Disco on their side))
Marcus Belg- Coming in with “power, panache, and plenty of goals”, including 8 during qualifying.
Andreas Granqvist- Captain & center back, also, a cutie ((Lay all your love on me amiright))Nicknames: The Blue-Yellow (seriously?? They have more creative names for IKEA chairs) ((could have gone with SUPER TROUPERS or DYNAMOS it’s like they haven’t seen Mamma Mia?!))
World Cup Street Cred/History: 11 World cup appearances, runners up in 1958. Most recent cup was 2006. 1 Olympic gold, 2 Bronze. A traditionally strong team, according to FIFA, although their record says otherwise. Rivals with all their Nordic Homies and also, England ((random)).
Expectations: Stunned Italy in the playoffs to qualify but they’ll be playing without legend Zlatan Ibrahimovic (who tweeted “We are Zweden” after Italy win *eyeroll*) (and published this ad after moving to LA to play club) ((Katrina he came from the “ghetto”. Imagine slums in Sweden! What is that like!))(Swedish slums are probably super clean with nice architecture) lack of Zlatan forces them to focus on defense-- a BIG upset element. One could say they have a dream, a song to sing.
South Korea
Qualification: They hardcore lost their first matches in group ((lost to Qatar for the first time in like 36 years)), then they held on to second place in the group ((behind Iran)) with 2 goalless draws under new coach’s leadership
Coach: Shin Tae Yong- Took over after their other coach was “dismissed” after losing streak. Used to be a midfielder, retired due to an ankle injury. Won AFC Champions league with club he managed.
MAJOR KEYS:
Son Heung Min - Look at this doof. A good winger for Tottenham who provides reliable offense. Scored 12 goals this season. If South Korea is gonna score, he’ll probably be involved.
Ki Sun Yeun- on his 3rd World Cup. Captain & the most recognizable soccer player in the nation, arguably, Plays for Swansea in England. Probably his last cup.
Nicknames: Taegeuk Warriors ((The Taegeuk, fun fact, is that circle in the Korean flag and it means “supreme ultimate”))(also symbolizes harmony of yin & yang)((but mostly supreme ultimate))
World Cup Street Cred/History: 2x AFC Champ. Emerged in the 60’s as a football power in Asia, hosting the World Cup once even! Lots of medals in Asia games and voted “FIFA World Cup Most Entertaining Team” in 2002, when they finished 4th.
Expectations: Likely to exit in the group stages. They do have 3 Premier League players but just not enuff talent to advance.
GROUP F EXPECTATIONS: The only real non-contender for advancement is South Korea. Germany, coming in hot with their 2014 win, will almost definitely win the group. Mexico and Sweden are both vying for the second place spot, making their face-off a #mustseematch, however my money is on Mexico ((Wednesday June 27th 10am EST)).
GROUP G
Belgium (3rd)
Qualification: Topped their group. Did anyone else have no idea that Belgium was such hot sh*t?
Coach: Roberto Martinez- Former Everton & Swansea coach. A surprise candidate to takeover because of his exclusive club experience, but Spaniard led an unbeaten Belgian team to this cup.
MAJOR KEYS:
Eden Hazard- A master at both creating AND scoring goals ((as if those are vastly different things?!)), he is one of the most exciting forwards to watch. One of the three Chelsea players to be named on the World Cup squad, scored 6x in qualifying.
Kevin De Bruyne - Arguably the best player in the premier league for the last several years. Also a notable doof ginger. Attacking midfielder who can score goals and set ‘em up with the best of them.
Romelu Lukaka - Star striker for Man United. Big, strong dude that is tough to battle in the air.
Michy Batshuayi- Another Chelsea player who’s been OOC for around seven weeks after his club season ended on a stretcher, he’s fast and skilled and has won the problematically named “Ebony Shoe Award” (how does this still exist this seems incredibly not 2018 unless I am misunderstanding it?) Despite being born & raised in Belgium people refer to him as being from the Congo! Incredible! (racism might not be solved FIFA sry) Peep this tweet about dreams coming true! #GodisGreat Vincent Kompany- Veteran defender, plays for Man City, a TRUE leader of the team. Maybe hurt groin in a friendly (a match not a friendly encounter); still put on squad. Also has a MASSIVE HEAD
Nicknames: The Red Devils ((listed in all 3 of their languages never forget flemish is MADE UP)) (the word for Hazelnut in Flemish is Hazelnoot lol)
World Cup Street Cred/History: 12 appearances, best finish was 4th place in ‘86. They’ve got an Olympic Gold from 1920 and have long standing rivalries with their Dutch and French counterparts. (obvi).They’ve competed in 5 EURO championships. Unrelated but did you guys know that Antwerp is the drug capital of Europe? Just wanted to share that important info.
Expectations: Do not SLEEP on this team. Although considered an outside shot, their players have now “reached a level of maturity” that should make them at threat at this level. They have great talent and have been held back by bad coaching in the past. They are very creative and have a great goaltender in Courtois, but have issues on the defending side.
Panama (55th)
Qualification: Dramatic win over Costa Rica on the FINAL matchday of qualifying
Coach: Hernan Dario Gomez- Nicknamed El Bolillo (The Truncheon?) came in 2014 and previously coached Colombian and Ecuador.
MAJOR KEYS:
Blas Perez- uh unsure but he might have his own name tattooed on his arm. 100+ caps, he offers experience to the squad. He’s scored 11x in Panama’s 4 different World Cup qualifying experiences.
Luis Tejada- Tied with Blas Perez for all time top scorer, nicknamed “the matador”.
Roman Torres- Regarded as a star player and named as captain, plays for the Seattle Sounders FC. Heaviest player of the tournament declared by FIFA: at the very least he could sit on his opponents. Nicknames: Los Canaleros ((The Canal Men))
World Cup Street Cred/History: Baby’s first World cup! Not that they haven’t tried! They’ve also been Gold Cup runners up twice, most recently in 2013. In a recent friendly they got slayed by Suisse 6-0 but honestly just an honor to play on this world stage!!!!
Expectations: You know, the important thing to remember is it’s not if you win or lose, it’s HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME!! #justhappytobehere
Tunisia (14th)
Qualification: Topped their group in Africa qualifying, 5th time here!
Coach: Nabil Maâloul- Damn y’all this team cannot keep a coach they’ve had a new one literally once a year. Nabil was their coach briefly before this and played on the team in its golden years.
MAJOR KEYS:
Wahbi Khazri- A key factor in Tunisia’s return to the world stage, plays for Rennes & captain.
Issam Jemâa- all time leading goal scorer for the squad, plays for Esperance, a Tunisian club that one the African Champions league previously ((under Nabil’s leadership! history!))Nicknames: The Eagles of Carthage ((ok does no one know any other type of bird or)) (seriously we cannot all be eagles also is the US Eagles I thought that was our thing?) ((no we are stars & stripes))
World Cup Street Cred/History: Basically, team thrived in the early days of the nation ((aka the 60’s/70’s)) but declined in the following decades. After former french coach Lemerre took over he “steadied the ship” and set them back on course for greatness. Then he left and they didn’t qualify for the 2010 or 2014 cups ((apparently blaming it on this “revolution” that happened in 2011 but ya know, details)) but they are BaCk BaBY. They also hosted and won the 2004 cup of nations.
Expectations: Their main goal is “win a game” so you know, dream big!
England (13th)
Qualification: Topped Group F in qualifying
Coach: Gareth Southgate- after one coach resigning post-Brazil, his replacement resigning in scandal after one match, Southgate follows a tumultuous few years of English team management. However, this former defender has whipped the team into fighting shape as they breezed qualifiers.
MAJOR KEYS:
Harry Kane- Lauded as “the complete player” by Zinedine Zidane ((french OG)), he plays for Tottenham and scored 5x in qualifying. Since all-time leading goal scorer Wayne Rooney retired, Harry has stepped in as the new star. Captain, he is the SECOND heaviest player of the tournament which has caused claims that scales were off. Hilarious! Let the fat jokes ensue! (BODY SHAMING IS NOT COOL GUYS IT’S 2018 and also this guy is more athletic than any of us will ever be)
Raheem Sterling - Another TRAITOR to Liverpool. Extremely speedy winger who goes flying down the sides of the pitch to harass the opponent. This year he finally realized his massive potential and scored way more goals than previous seasons. Always dangerous.
Eric Dier - Rugged Tottenham defensive midfielder. Should be the key in terms of keeping the team strong defensively through the middle.
Dele Ali - The other half of the Tottenham midfielder component. Dier plays defense, Ali plays offense. Ben’s friend thinks he looks like Steph Curry’s cousin or something. Idk. Do we agree?Nicknames: The Three Lions
World Cup Street Cred/History: I have to be real here, I’ve been played before by this team. I was strongly pulling for them in 2014, they big time disappointed, and I just don’t know if I’m ready to be hurt again! Sure, they’ve got one championship under their belt ((1966)) , they are one of the two oldest national teams of football ((alongside Scotland)), but they lost to Iceland in the Round of 16 at EURO 2016 and whether they will have their sh*t together is TBD. (Also fun history fact, the nations of the UK play as individual teams. SO I guess you’re just “united” when you want to be?)
Expectations: It’s weird because England has the best and most popular league (basically every team you’ve probably heard of unless you live under a rock). Apparently, “Having the world's richest and most popular domestic league has had an adverse effect on the England team, whose managers have an increasingly shallow pool of top players to choose from.” Considered an “underdog” by the bookies, England has stumbled under the crushing weight of national expectations. Now that the odds are against them, will they thrive?? Uh probs not cuz the team’s young. ((SHE’S TOO YOUNG))
GROUP G EXPECTATIONS: This will definitely be an interesting group to watch. Considering England’s repeated failures on the international stage, they’re not guaranteed advancement despite their experience and skill. Belgium is apparently pretty hot sh*t so they’ll most likely take first. These two european powers face off on the last day of group play ((for HEIGHTENED DRAMA)), Thursday, June 28th 2pm EST.
GROUP H
Colombia (16th)
Qualification: Finished fourth in CONMEBOL standings, reaching tournament on the final matchday.
Coach: Jose Pekerman- “studious” Argentinian who’s been in charge since 2012. Used to coach hometown but switched and led Colombia to back to back appearances for the first time since 90’s.
MAJOR KEYS:
James Rodriguez- Golden Boot Winner of 2014 ((meaning he scored the most)), on loan from Munich to play with Real Madrid, where he’s one 2 Champions League Titles.
Radamel Falcao- Captain and all-time leading goal scorer, plays for Monaco. Sometimes referred to as El Tigre, or also King of the Europa League. Missed 2014 cup due to an injury.
Nicknames: Lost Cafeteros ((can only assume this translates as The Cafeterias? Or, as the internet claims “The Coffee Growers”)) (we like coffee but that’s not a super inspiring nickname? idk I’m not intimidated by coffee? Unless they are trying to say they are super caffeinated and ready to go?)
World Cup Street Cred/History: Made it to quarterfinals in 2014, have previously attended 5 World Cups. Since the 80’ the national team has been a symbol fighting the nation’s negative reputation. Big pride for the country, passionate fan base. Thrived in the 90’s ((IMPORTANT PHOTO)), missed the World Cups in the 2000’s, made comeback in 2014. Won third place in 2016 Copa America.
Expectations: They have talent to make a repeat run to the quarter finals, but they didn’t qualify until the last match of this year. They should be able to make it out of the group no prob.
Japan (60th)
Qualification: Beat Australia 2-0, putting them in an advancing spot in Group B.
Coach: Akira Nishino- Played in qualifiers but never made it to a World Cup ((always the bridesmaid)). As a coach, led them in ‘96 Olympics.
MAJOR KEYS:
Maya Yoshida- A “cultured” and “stylish” player, handy asset in set-pieces and a solid scorer, cornerstone of the team. Southampton based.
Nicknames: Samurai Blue ((idk I guess it depends on who’s in charge?)) (blue is not on their flag??)
World Cup Street Cred/History: Made 5 World Cups, twice going as far as the Round of 16. Weirdly were invite to play in the Copa America? Won AFC 4x. Rivals with South Korea & Australia.
Expectations: Without many star players, this looks to be a rebuilding year. Public confidence in team is pretty low. Like record low. No one has hope for these boys. Kinda crushes my spirit.
Poland (10th)
Qualification: Topped group E in EURO qualifying
Coach: Adam NAWALKA- Coach since 2013, leading them to first cup since 2006.
MAJOR KEYS:
Robert LEWANDOWSKI- 16 Goals in 10 appearances, making him top scorer of qualifiers and top-scorer for Polish team. “Best striker in the world” says his coach, which seems like a biased observation but ok.
Nicknames: The White & Reds ((ok new rule: your nickname cannot be your colors. Be better!!))
World Cup Street Cred/History: 7 appearances, semi finals 2x, both times won 3rd place. Suffered a big decline in skills in the early 2000’s, then qualified for EURO for the first time in 2008, marking the start of a comeback. Hosted 2012 EURO, Made it to quarterfinals of EURO 2016 for the 1st time.
Expectations: first cup since ‘06, we’ll probably see a lot of Polish fans travel to Russia to support. The core of the EURO squad (which made quarterfinals) is returning, which is promising, but the defense has struggled (notably vs Denmark in Sept)
Senegal (28th)
Qualification: Topped their group in African qualifying, unbeaten in their campaign
Coach: Aliou Cisse- Captain of the 2002 Squad, full circle he has brought the team back as manager. Also apparently this qualification round was ‘contentious’. They had a never before seen REPLAY MATCH vs South Africa because there was MATCH FIXING BY THE REF (WHAT?????)
MAJOR KEYS:
Sadio Mané- Leading player not only for his country but in the continent. Most expensive African player, moved to Liverpool for 34 million fake British dollars. Since then he has exploded and become one of the most dangerous wingers in Europe.Nicknames: Lions of Teranga ((Teranga is Wolof word for hospitality, identified with national pride)
World Cup Street Cred/History: Boys are back in town after 16 years since their first appearance. They made it to quarterfinals in their debut, in what the wiki calls “The Year of Senegal”. Also the entire history section has clearly been poorly translated, but essentially in attempting to qualify for 2010 the coach made bad squad choices and they lost a bunch. Senegal fails to break a tie with Gambia and the nation RIOTS. Like, smoked out the stadium and the players stayed in the locker room for safety. At this point they’re in “A generation of rebirth, but hardly to be confirmed” ((what is this phrasing??)) (guys just @ me next time if you need a translator). Now they’re back and tbh I am worried what will happen to Aliou Cisse if the don’t succeed.
Expectations: To quote this article, “ Every four years it seems that at least one team emerges from nowhere to qualify for the knockout stages, inflicting upsets along the way. Senegal helped knock out the holders France in 2002, reaching the quarterfinals ((Year of Senegal!!)), and of the African teams involved they are deemed the most likely to make their mark in Russia at 150/1.” Idk man. Hard to say. But they’re Francophones so I support that.
GROUP H EXPECTATIONS: Hot takes only but this is my least favorite group and arguably the least interesting. Not because we know who’s coming out of it- my money is on Colombia & Poland ((who meet up June 24th 2pm EST)), however I’d like to see Senegal make an effort, especially they have a tradition as a wild card- but because there’s no one in this group that I expect to upset a favorite or make it past the Round of 16. The pod I listened to is nuts over this group because they’re so closely ranked but long term these groups have slim shots. Would love to be proved wrong, everyone loves a good bracket busting twist, but if you have to push one group to the bench to keep headspace for the others, make it this one.
