First Day of School!!! (NFC Preview)

Welcome back sweet pupils! I know you’re all SO excited for the brisk fall mornings, sharp pencils, and fresh notebooks that define football season- I know I am! Don’t worry, we promise not to assign any homework- just read the syllabus blog, it’ll tell you everything you need to know. If you missed our AFC breakdown- see here. Today we are discussing the mean streets of the NFC- a field of teams that we are, uh, not excited about to be completely honest. I know it’s a little bit our job to hype everyone up, but a lot of these teams have big question marks that are leaving us uneasy endorsing them. In one sense, the field is wide open. In another, this might open us up for some extra bad football. Willing to have our minds changed! Traditionally we support the 49ers (Katrina’s side) and the Saints (Elena) so hope remains the thing with feathers.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles

Tough year to be a cheesesteak stater, Philly lost 1) the world series 2) the MLS championship 3) in the NBA playoffs and….I feel like I’m forgetting one? Oh, right, 4) the super bowl. RIP! Maybe the real friends were the lamp posts we greased along the way. Good news incoming my little liberty bells- the Eagles might be even better than last year. Jalen Hurts has improved every year he’s been in the NFL, a strong QB whose team adores him (and who is clearly making bank off these random marketing deals with hulu and stuff)- and how could you NOT! He can do it all- run, pass, hand off, sneak, name a football verb and you’ll catch Jalen doing it once a game. This spicy little offense keeps opponents guessing, making them tough to hold back. Their defense is pretty good as well, but they’re notably weak at safety and are inconsistent against the run. Not fatal flaws, just something to keep an eye on!

New York Giants

Keeping with our theme of Offseason Contract Hold Outs, and building upon the central questions facing the football field today, i.e. What Is A Running Back Even Worth?, the Giants and their star Saquon Barkley had a bumpy summer vacation. I just reread that sentence and it sounds like something I’d try to pass off as a hook in an essay’s intro. Well in THIS essay I will (try to convince you to watch football)!!!!! Saquon tried to squeeze the Giants for more money, but given his up and down health and medium returns in recent years, they were unconvinced, leading to a one year, low money (ONLY 4-5 million dollars…literally POVERTY wages!!!) deal that has many running backs questioning what the market looks like for them (hint: it’s bad. I wonder if someone could convincingly link the running back market to the oncoming recession, that IS an essay I would read). QB Daniel Jones is likely to be chummier with his tight ends (see: new addition Darren Waller), as well as his stacked wide receiver room (see: Darius Slayton, Isaiah Hodgins, Parris Campbell). In terms of defense they’re a little hot and cold- great at pressuring but not great at blocking passes. If they can find a way to always sack the opposing quarterback, this is great news! (which, judging by the amount of teams with offensive line depth issues, may not be as tricky as it sounds). They’re a middling team, not a hot pick to make the playoffs, but some of their players could be clutch for your fantasy lineup.

Dallas Cowboys

Y’all know I cannot in good conscience root for any institution owned and operated by someone as purely evil as Jerry Jones (there are no hero sports team owners, I know this, there are no GOOD billionaires, I am aware, but there are some that are worse than others, and he is one of them). As we ALWAYS say, it is incredibly presumptious to refer to yourself as “America’s Team” like…wake up ALL OF THESE TEAMS ARE IN AMERICA. I am desperately waiting for the day they add a Toronto team and their nickname is “Canada’s Team” (actually, that might be the bills?). ANYWAYS, putting the hater in my heart aside, which is not easy to do, this team is absolutely stacked with talent. They are a lot of people’s picks for Super Bowl Contention and it’s easy to see why- a smart, dependable QB in Dak Prescott, a lot of offensive weapons in receiving such as Michael Gallup, Tony Pollard, CeeDee Lamb, and Brandin Cooks (oh he cooks alright), and a defensive side that is maybe the best at pressuring opposing QBs and snatching the ball away. Last year I told you that they forced so many turnovers in the previous season they were unlikely to do it again- but they did it again. Expect to hear about Micah Parsons and his sacks (hehe) a whole lot, because he is a BEAST. Stats will tell you the questions for this team are in their O Line depth, but in my expert opinion, I am concerned about the coaching. With this much talent they have no reason not to win, and given the questionable decision to switch offensive coordinators and some seriously weird choices in their recent playoff losses, the seat is warming up for head coach Mike McCarthy.

Washington Commanders

Ok and to continue our discussion of NFL Owners! The Commanders have a new ownership group, FINALLY, after Dan Snyder was forced out by the other nfl owners (again, no billionaires are good, so if a room full of billionaires thinks you’re awful WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU)/ the actual nfl / kinda congress?!!?!?!?!?. The man was, to drastically oversimplify, VERY BAD (and sadly he did made a huge profit off this sale. Tough!) . Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the culture of this team could take years to recover from the toxic environment that has dominated its locker room AND front office in the Snyder era, but hopefully they’re on the up and up (yes I am aware that the new ownership group includes very evil Jeff Bezos, there is no winning here, the sport is evil at its core). In terms of the team itself…hm hold on let me check my notes. Ok uh they are not that good. Their QB is interesting- he is a bit of a Taysom Hill type of jacknife who could be sneaky for them, and they have a very strong defense. They are probably the division’s weakest team, and though we like coach Ron Rivera, it’s not looking like this will be their best year.

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings

It’s so fitting to me that the most average white man quarterback is the king of Minnesota. And this is NOT me hating on Kirk Cousins, I think he is a fine dude, but he has gotten so far in life by just being like relatively consistent, non-problematic, and quiet enough that I swear the coaches forget he’s even there. I don’t see much going incredibly for the Vikes this year (another very solid color scheme and mascot combo btw), like they are perfectly middle of the pack as a group over all. HOWEVER Justin Jefferson is a superstar, so every time they are able to get the ball to him, call it a win (and if you’ve got him on your fantasy team, call it a win). Their entire season last year was just like…winning a lot of very close games which is honestly just luck, so it will be hard for them to match those stats overall.

Green Bay Packers

Now that Aaron Rodgers is gone, I can go back to liking the packers for 1) being owned by their fans 2) having by far the hottest coach in the game (even if he did problematically let Aaron’s antivaxx discours slide) and 3) having iconic cheese hats. On the actual gridiron, this team is a little less convincing. We’re set to see the full season debut of Jordan Love aka the quarterback they drafted that ended up alienating Rodgers in the first place, but he’s still LEARNING, so it could take time for him to fill in the Favre-then Rodgers sized gaps in the quarterback books. The packers are a very young team, but Matt LaFleur is a great coach, and they have the potential to be solid- not incredible, mind you, but I don’t think Aaron Rodgers leaving is the worst thing for them. 

Detroit Lions

Everyone is HOT on Detroit this year - they’re America’s sweethearts! After winning everyone over in hard knocks a few years ago, the lions gave quietly built themselves into …a favorite in their division? They are end to end a solid team- unlike any other folks they DO have a strong offensive line (Stacked with Pro Bowlers returning), they actually score points— Jared Goff has blossomed under Dan Campbell’s tutelage. Amon-Ra St. Brown is a star (fitting, since Amon Ra is the Egyptian sun god), but he’s not the only one— Jameson Williams and rookie tight end Sam LaPorta, as well as new addtions Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery make the rich richer on offense. Last year they had a tough time with defense (which we all know wins championships!), in pretty much every sense (pass rush, blocking, etc etc). They’ve made efforts to fill in these gaps- Emmanuel Moseley and CJ Gardner-Johnson in the secondary for two, but the interior defensive line still needs work. TBD on if they’ll try to do something there before the trade deadline, but watch their games if you want to see some points being scored (because otherwise, these three hour games can get kinda boring!).

Chicago Bears

DA BEARS. Both Chicago and New York having struggling sports teams is a huge L for hot dog culture, which means it is a huge L for me personally, so I am going to need Chicago to step it up. QB Justin Fields had an excellent last year- he ran for more yards than like, everyone, or like the second most ever, or some stupid stat along those lines. And the GOOD news is he won’t have to be the only one running this year- Khalil Herbert and Roschon Johnson will be there to help as well. Unfortunately they don’t do well protecting their quarterback and the sacks are going to keep coming.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Last time we promised a tanking talk and here we are loves! Arizona is, as the kids say, down! bad! Was it not just a few years ago that they were on a hot streak and we expected them to do such big things? Despite having the same quarterback primed and ready, the cardinals have given away….pretty much everything else…fired their coach….and are just???? Giving up???? Quiet quitting?! Anyway they’re going to try to Lose All The Games so that they’ll get the number one pick Caleb Williams (currently at USC, absolute king, once in a lifetime qb etc etc though he has also said he’s not set on going into the draft yet so don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched). If you’re thinking- don’t they HAVE a quarterback (Kyler Murray)?!!?!?! Yeah well they don’t WANT him anymore!!!! All of this has of course opened a very interesting conversation about tanking in general- obviously something we’ve seen in other sports (well, US sports, every where else they have reelgation to solve that problem)- in the NBA they have a draft lottery which of course helps (except that time it was rigged), but the NFL is a much shorter season than basketball, making the margins for error a lot slimmer. Would be a reeeal shame if their efforts….were to fail….just saying!

San Francisco 49ers

We’ve already mentioned Coach Kyle Shanahan a lot in these two posts, and that’s because the man is an absolute legend. He has mentored so many other coaches and is responsible for some of the most successful offenses in recent memory. Or, at least, my recent memory. a lot of those offenses are driven by players like Deebo Samuel and middle-of-last-year acquisition Christian MccCaffrey: dudes you can get the ball to and they will ZOOM/ dudes who somehow are always in the tiniest little open spot. They were able to have success despite the sometimes middling efforts of our little guanciale Giuseppe Stromboli Sbarro Garroppolo, but all that was SUPPOSED to get flipped on its head once their newer QB Trey Lance (a more athletic quarterback) took the stage— after all, they bent over backwards and traded a bunch of picks to snag him. Cut to him getting a season ending injury early last year, Jimmy G taking over, Jimmy getting injury, and Mr. Irrelevant (aka the bottom of his draft class) Brock Purdy becoming QB1. And it…wokred for them? The addition of McCaffrey was a huge boost, and as always their defense is incredibly solid as well (led by Nick Bosa, who was in his very own Contract Holdout Drama, before becoming the highest paid defensive player ever yesterday), but Brock being a breakout star of last season was NOT on anyones bingo card (of course, he did injure his elbow real bad in the playoffs, which I can only assume is what led to someone buying then immediately discarding his jersey so I could find and buy it at a thrift store!). In the offseason SF put on a show by being like “noo we still REALLY like trey like he’s def in the conversation!!!” to,….trading him to Dallas (no, we didn’t mention that in the cowboys section, because it wasn’t that important). Pressure is on for Brock now, and for this team which basically gave up someone that was supposed to be the future of their franchise!

Seattle Seahawks

GENO SMITH HIVE RISE!!!! If Geno has million fans, then I'm one of them. If Geno has one fan, then I'm THAT ONE. If Geno has no fans, that means I'm dead. Actually, it means that Geno is probably dead, because no one has more faith in this guy than himself. Which I respect immensely! He hs reason to feel good- after Russ Wilson left the Seahawks the haters came out strong, everyone bet against him. But Geno was the key to Seattles success last year- of course, having DK Metcalf and Tyler Lockett doesn’t hurt, but he set team records for passing yards and completions. Go Geno! The Seahawks, led by Pete Carroll, are also excellent at covering, but need to improve on defending the run.

Los Angeles Rams

I keep forgetting that it was only like 2 years ago the Rams were Super Bowl winners…life comes at you fast! Therein lies the issue with an all in strategy- all those one year deals ended, and even though Matthew Stafford is a strong QB and a great passer, injuries dogged a not so deep roster lasty year and I am not convinced they’re good enough to do better this year. Yes, they have Cooper Kupp (well not right now, he’s out), and Cam Akers, and Tyler Higbee, but will it be enough? Their defense has questions- beyond Aaron Donald (which is a little silly to say, as he is the absolute best tackle in the league, but he is aging and he’s just one guy!) the team doesn’t have a great pass rush. I will be BOWLED over if they make the playoffs.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I guess having a pirate as your mascot should be a solid inclination that you’re going to be on wackadoodle time all the time, but this team is so wild to me. Tom Brady OFFICIALLY retired after a flop final season (men choose to go out on top literally once…impossible challenge), so Tampa was on the hunt for a new QB1. They wanted a strong passer, to take advantage of the weapons Brady had sharpened- like Mike Evans and Leonard Fournette. They searched high, and low, and then lower, and then asked their divisional neighbor Carolina, who told them to go West, and they found BAKER MAYFIELD. Can you hear me cackling like a Macbeathian witch? It’s not that I don’t support him as a fit for this flashes-of-gold-but-mostly-just-rocks team, he’s actually a great fit, because he is the true embodiment of a Florida man, which is why it’s so funny. Mayfield, a Heisman winner and the number one pick of his draft class, was SUPPOSED to be the pride of Cleveland, which, well, clearly didn’t work out. A man equally, if not MORE famous for his old feuds and excellent commercials than for his stellar NFL career, I have to wonder how many chances he’ll get to shine? He helped the LA Rams out in a tight spot & a quick turnaround last year, which was impressive (without that stint on his resume it’s tough to see him getting this gig), but not every washed up QB can go to Florida and win a Super Bowl.

Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are supposed to be the Saints sworn enemies, but they’ve been so bad for so long that I am constantly forgetting they exist. What can I say the field is crowded and I care very little! What else can I say about the Falcons hmmmmm… ok well their quarterback Desmond Ridder (the first time I have EVER heard of this man) had a pretty good year last year in terms of Not Making Mistakes. Which sounds like the bar is on the floor but honestly, you’d be surprised how many quarterbacks totally boof it when they’re under pressure! Beyond that, the Falcons have some solid options in players like Tyler Allgeier, Drake London, and Mack Hollins. They’re not the deepest or most experienced team, which may make things tricky as the season progresses.

Carolina Panthers

The reason why there is no Six Flags in North Carolina is that they don’t need one- this team gives them enough of a rollercoaster ride that I am sure the fans are nauseous enough by now. Way back in 2011, they hit the draft lottery with Cam Newtown, an athletic (and fashionable) QB who was supposed to turn the franchise around. Six years later, they were done with him, and since then it’s been a real who’s who of the NFLs favorite back ups- Taylor Heinecke, Teddy Bridgewater, P.J Walker, and then a bunch of discarded former QB1s- Sam Darnold (initially of the jets, now on the 49ers), Baker Mayfield (we JUST talked about him please tell me you retained that). They hired Matt Rhule as a coach, then fired him after 5 games. They hired discarded Colts coach Frank Reich to take the reins this year, which is fitting considering HE was a Carolina QB wayyy back in the day. This past year, they drafted superstar youngster Bryce Young out of Alabama, but since he’s a rookie they’ve also brought in potential leprechaun Andy Dalton to help mentor him/bring him up to NFL speed. They snagged Adam Thielen from the Vikings, which was one solid move, (except he may be injured) but besides that the wide receiver pool is SHALLOW. They don’t have a ton of options for Young, and that could lead to a lot of slip ups in his rookie season.

New Orleans Saints

Saved the best for last baby! Who dat say they gon beat dem saints!!! or whatever!!!! In an effort to be transparent here, I admit I gave up on the Saints last year. Not to sound like a fair weather fan, but they were sooooo baaaaad. It wasn’t even like “ok they lost some games”, which, could happen to ANYONE, it was like “ok they cannot get a single first down and if they do they are immediately throwing an interception”. I want PIZZAZZ I want OFFENSE I want VINTAGE ALVIN KAMARA AND MICHAEL THOMAS. I’ll have to wait a few games for the former (AK is suspended for an assault charge- nothing more vintage than that what can I say!), but a FINALLY healthy Michael Thomas will join Chris Olave and Juwan Johnson in what we can only HOPE is a high powered offense. I reserve the right to change my mind about him, but I don’t HATE Derek Carr as our quarterback (but I will continue to ask him to admit he is wearing eyeliner- NO ones eyes are that smoky naturally babe!). Further recovery to cornerback Marshawn Lattimore boosts an already strong Saints defense, so here’s hoping the NFC South is ours for the taking!

Key Takeaways

Compared to the AFC, it’s easy to see much of the NFC as mid. And it’s true, the brightest, youngest, most dazzling stars may be on the other side of the conference line- yes, they have Patrick Mahomes and Joe Burrow and Josh Allen and Justin Herbert (insert eye roll here). But there are some very stacked teams here, and, I think MORE excitingly, there are some wild cards. It’s a pretty open field in the NFC- the word that comes to mind is “winnable” and in football that really just means “may the luckiest team win”. Much of the playoff picture will be painted by who’s able to eke out close wins (unlikely to be the Vikings, they had that superlative last year), who’s able to stay the most healthy, and who’s got the most four leaf clovers in their pocket (hint: that one is always me).