Bad (Picks), We Could Be Your Fantasy- AFC Preview

Taking our (Fantasy) Football season mantra from queen Latto herself (on the count of three): BAD BITCHES GET MONEY. We are out here trying to WIN OUR FANTASY leagues because when it comes to prize money if yer not first babe, yer last (well except in MY league we also have challenges so you can win quite a bit of dolla do but)! As always catch us mixing references but the tldr here is that good ol fashioned murican football is BACK baby and we’re here to recap everything you missed in the offseason, (reintroduce you to some faves, and make some way too early predictions that will, inevitably, bite us in the butt! That being said we DID tell you thbe eagles were going to be good last year and….well they made it to the superbowl girl!!! So listen to us a little! If you’re reading this because one of us sent it to you via a group message, and you say, “but elena if we ALL read your blog won’t we ALL want the same players/make the same picks?” and to that we say thank you for assuming our friends read the blog!!!!

Per usual, there are way too many teams to unpack in one post, so we’ve decided to start with the AFC (I will never not point out that calling these the American Football conference and the National Football Conference is one of the millions of stupid naming traditions in this bullshit sport), because it is the home of SUPER BOWL CHAMP CHIEFS! And 15 other teams. The AFC is very competitive this year (and tbh every year recently- it’s a hot spot what can we say!), and you’re going to read about a lot of people you already know- Patrick Mahomes! A Boy with the last name Watt! Josh Allen! Trevor Lawrence! So many silly dudes with ridiculous haircuts, we just can’t keep track! The AFC has given us lots of DOOZY games the past few years (including but not limited to: every time Joe Burrow goes to Arrowhead, any time it has snowed in Buffalo, and Jacksonville winning a wildcard game last year), so we definitely have high expecations here. Without further ado!!!!!

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs

Ok champions of the…WORLD???? (if anywhere else played football I suppose!) Coach Andy Reid is coming into his tenth year as the KC coach after winning another super bowl! Is this man the greatest coach alive? Does he have a superbly talented roster? Are some people just lucky? Maybe yes to all! It of course doesn’t hurt that he has future hall of famer Patrick Mahomes as his QB, a man who puts his body on the line again and again for this team. The kid is just unreal- he is constantly making plays that,in our humble opinion, defy the laws of physics. Again, it helps that Mahomes has Travis Kelce, his football soulmate, at tight end but this chiefs team is talent front to back and we would be FOOLISH to underestimate them (side note: Kelce hyper extended his knee in practice early Tuesday and remains questionable for their TNF opener). They have overcome injury concerns again and again, making them one of the most resilient teams in the field. The question is less: will they be good and more: how can other teams keep letting them get away with this. That being said they have a contract hold out in Chris Jones who is their leading defensive tackle. Keep an eye on Kadarius Toney, who may be a sleeper star that can fill in the loss of Juju Smith-Schuster.

Denver Broncos

BRONCOS COUNTRY LET’S RIDE: YEAR TWO: RIDE ON: WE STILL RIDE. I will never in my life not be referencing the Russell Wilson video, except for when I am referencing this iconic Ciara video (I am once again asking Future how he fumbled the bag so hard that he lost Ciara to a clown like Russell…but we don’t have time to get into everything here). After a devastatingly disappointing first year of the Wilson era in Colorado, the Broncos have scrapped head coach Nathaniel Hackett and dug through the archives to hire *checks notes* SEAN PAYTON!!!!!!! The former Saints coach pulled a fast one by “retiring” for a year to make commentator money and now is back to stirring pots in the ol N F of L. Sean’s a great coach: he kept new orleans on track through many Drew Brees injuries and at times even made Jameis Winston look good, but it’s asking a lot for him to turn this failing team around (if he can’t….they’re stuck in avery deep money pit with Russ, who’s got a baby on the way too!). Further setbacks included serious injuries to Javonte Williams, and his health remains questionable headed into this year.

Las Vegas Raiders

After adding Derek Carr to the list of things that have happened in Vegas but didn’t stay there, the Raiders have chosen to put their faith in our sweet angel italian cannoli king— that’s right I am speaking of no other than THE Giuseppe Garropolo!!!! Italians have a long and storied history with Sin City that I don’t think totally relates to the goals of this blog (see: The Godfather Part II, the rare sequel to surpass the original), however most are very dubious of this move. While Jimmy is indeed one of the most gorgeous men to walk the earth and his Chad levels frequently are off the charts, as a quarterback he is honestly very hit or miss and most of his success can be traced to the offensive genius of 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan/ opponents being blinded by that stunner smile. Last year the Raiders were a disappointment- even after the big hype of snagging Davante Adams, they barely squeaked out six wins. After some drama (theme of this offseason was and is contract hold outs) with Josh Jacobs they’ve secured him for at least another year, but a lot remains unclear for this team in the backfield. There are 32 teams in the field, and some are going to be relatively mid. This is a mid ass team. They’ll probably improve a little but I can’t imagine them breaking out here.

Los Angeles Chargers

Another year, another season of people telling me Justin Herbert is the greatest quarterback in the world. Do I believe them? No. Is he good? I mean yeah I guess. He just gives me…no vibes. Like I have seen the stats! This man can throw the ball I believe you! But??? Idk I remain unconvinced, maybe this is east coast bias (aka I have maybe watched 3 chargers games in my 5 years of Watching Football Every Week). He’s a purely vanilla ice cream cone imho, and sometimes that works for some people, so I guess the chargers could, as always, have potential! He also suffered from injuries (as did many of LA’s key players) last year, so there is plenty of room for things to improve and for the chargers to have a good year.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

A nearly perfect team in terms of city specific branding, I’ve got a soft spot for the Baltimore Ravens (May seem like we’ve got a lot of soft spots- we do! It’s one of the perks of not having testosterone blinding us to the shitty parts of the sport, we just want everyone to have fun). Maybe it’s because people were shitty to Lamar Jackson for awhile (« all he does is run » and then when he started skating on the pass it’s like... in the words of Ice Spice…now what two hit wonder???), maybe it’s just the color purple (where do it come from?? - that reference is for the 2 people who sang choir and also watch football), but this is probably the best line up they’ve had in a few years. Also want to point out they did Lamar so dirty with Trump’s arrest… you’re telling me Trump and Lamar are both 6’2” 215 pounds…. come on y’all. Lamar had his own Contract Holdout Drama (again, it’s a THEME) all off season: he wanted more money (deserved), the ravens didn’t want to do that (it’s soooooo expensive to retain a future HOF record breaking quartback these days….thanks bidenomics! thanks INFLATION!!!!) They addressed their receiving corps dearth by drafting Zay Flowers and wooing Odell Beckham Jr (who took last year off basically). OBJ might give this team the leadership and experience they need to get an upper hand, and new offensive coordinator from Georgia doesn’t hurt either    As always this all depends on people staying healthy, but I’m hype to see the ravens battle the bengals for this division.

Cincinnatti Bengals

Ah yes Cincy, home of the who dey and that weird chili thing (I managed to visit there and not try this at all thank god). Is this the year I finally learn to spell the name of this town right on the first try? unlikely! The Bengals are known as the home of Crown Prince Joe Burrow aka Joey B aka Joe Cool aka did you guys see this picture of him from camp Lordy Lordy Lordy- he sustained a lil calf injury in training so we haven’t seen much of him yet but he should be ok to play week 1. The bengals are going with a “if it ain’t broke” strat on offense, keeping joeys bff JaMarr Chase (top fantasy pick for sure) and other stars like Joe Mixon and Tee Higgins. They have one of the best red zone offenses in the league. Their weakness? Same as it’s been for the last two years baby! The O line continues to have gaps despite efforts to beef it up ever since they allowed joey b to get yeeted out of his rookie season. If they can keep it tight- this team has a high ceiling. If they can’t, we at least will get some swag Game Day fits.

Cleveland Browns

If you’ve been reading this blog for a bit, you may remember 1) we are suckers for an underdog and 2) we will do literally anything to reference the Cleveland tourism video. I have love for Cleveland in the way I have love for a little kid who drops their glasses- it breaks my heart to think of them flopping year after year. BUT that love was pretty much erased when they bent over backwards to get serial abuser Deshaun Watson and then did several back flips to continue supporting him through his suspension. So now I am stepping on their glasses fuck all the way off!!!!! In an effort to appear unbiased and do our due dilly (obligatory dilly dilly here): the browns have a strong defense that gets a heck ton of sacks (particularly Myles Garrett). They have maybe one of the worst special teams in the league (tried to overcome this by drafting a kicker but then….released him?). Basically this team is hitching their wagon to Watson’s star, and he’s been hot and cold the last few years. So many question marks remain for them at this point, but they’re a popular pick for “Most Potential To Improve”, which seems like something your teacher writes on your report card if you’re stupid but seem nice. Except they’re NOT even nice!!

Pittsburgh Steelers

 Much like their rivals in Ohio, the Steelers are good at bullying. They are going to pressure the passer and they get results- after all, they have a Watt Brother in their arsenal. Their quarterback is Kenny Pickett, which sounds more like a country music singer than a football player, but maybe that’s just what this rag tag group of nobodys needs!!!! I smell a Disney channel original movie brewing!!!! He actually had a pretty solid rookie season last year, and coach Mike Tomlin is physically unable of having a losing season, so we are going to call this a growth year!

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

I’ll admit I said this last year but I am REALLY hoping this is the Bills year. It feels like the last two seasons they have been SO CLOSE to super bowl only to have to snatched from their frostbitten fingers at the last minute by a certain McDonald’s Colored team to the west. Have there been some oopsies along the way? Sure. Josh Allen showed everyone last year the duality of man- there were so many times in games he put the team on his back and he used his not-so-little legs (I mean, lest we forget the man IS a unit) to make shit happen, but there were ALSO quite a few times he threw stupid interceptions and made mistakes ya just can’t make at this point in your career. He’s just a human who can blame him!!!! I am SURE he spent the offseason getting his mind right (see: dating Hailee Steinfeld), and with help from his fave Stefon Diggs, as well as Deonte Harty and Dameon Harris, this high-powered high-scoring offense will settle for nothing but the crown. Oh, and if you would like to cry today: Safety Damar Hamlin made the team (after his season ended last year when he suffered a freak accident & cardiac arrest on the field, truly one of the most terrifying sports watching experiences of our collective consciousness)- clear eyes full hearts can’t lose baby.

New York Jets

if you’re like our favorite chubby grizzly friends and you’re into hibernation, you may have missed perhaps the biggest transfer of the NFL offseason (truly you would have had to be in the deep deep underground)— after declaring his intentions (I’m sorry is he a colonial gentleman asking for her hand???) to be a Jet, waiting for the fathers to negotiate dowries (salaries), and of course who can forget the darkness retreat (still so many questions)- Aaron Rodgers moved to New York. Like a lot of girlies in the big city for the first time, he’s made the rounds- attending the Tonys (???) cheering on fellow anti vaxxer at the US open this last week, going to MSG with teammate Sauce Gardner, etc etc. The Jets will be featured (begrudgingly) on this season of Hard Knocks, so if you want more insight into Aaron Just Like That, we’ll send you there. The reports out of the locker room are that vibes are “immaculate” everyone is “Thrilled” to have him around, and the team feels like they finally have a quarterback they deserve (cut to: Zach Wilson with a tall glass of whole milk just STEWING in the back of the bus). Robert Saleh has put in a lot of work the last few years to build the defense into one of the most frustrating to opposing QBs, hoping that Rodgers will take them to the next level. We all know Aaron doesn’t believe Jet fuel can melt steel beams, this year we’ll find out if he can fuel the jets to a winning season.

Miami Dolphins

Bienvenidos a Miami I know we all know the southern Florida city is a Soccer Town nowadays, but turns out they ALSO have a pretty solid football team! Boasting one of the best color schemes & mascots on the board, the Dolphins had a solid set up last year: they brought in new head coach Mike McDaniels (offensive genius mentored by Kyle Shanahan), they had rising star Jalen Waddle penguin dancing in the endzone, they snagged @cheetah (Tyreek Hill), and, of course, they had Tua. What could possibly go wrong!!!!! Well it wouldn’t be a good football post if we didn’t discuss concussions- Tua Tagovailoa took a lot of hard hits and sustained multiple head injuries in consecutive weeks last year before ending his season early and “considering retirement” in the offseason. Reader, this man is TWENTY FIVE. Does feel like this all was unnecessary imho, like, is football worth breaking your brain over? Guess that’s not our decision to make. Tua did learn some jiu jitsu skills on Falling in the offseason (yes, that’s a thing, and we support it), and he’s supposedly healthy headed into this year. This team’s risk factor makes them too stressful for me to watch, but expect big things from their offense.

New England Patriots

Remember when this team had a dynasty? More like the Last Great American Dynasty at this point, the past few years I am sure have this team wondering if all that was just a Glitch. I personally love the post Brady era for my New England (com)patriots- I think it’s so important to be humbled. Mastermind Bill Belichick would’ve could've should've left when he was on top of the world, instead of watching Taylor Swift perform a level of athletic feats at Foxborough that put his own team to shame (yes, that was why I was making so many bad jokes, see here, I am done now, this was me trying, ok now I promise I am really done). The Pats are set to have the toughest schedule in the league this coming season, but they have an offensive coordinator (a step above where they were last year!) that will try to guide QB Mac Jones back on track, but they have some questions on their O Line (it kinda feels like EVERYONE is questioning their O Lines nowadays) Belichick’s trademark are his strong defenses- his pass rush is solid, but this is easily the worst team in the division (call that the Aaron Rodgers effect).

AFC South

Houston Texans

It feels like the last 5 years, the Texans have been The Worst but somehow Too Good To Be Tanking (a concept we will be discussing in the NFC West, stay tuned). Not to talk shop, but this is where bad owndership comes into play, because the Texans ownership have been a shitshow for many moons at this point. As I said re: the Raiders, there are SO many teams in the NFL, some of them are going to be slipping through the cracks, and I do feel like the Houston Texans are often a Sixteen Candles situation. I’m like, oh, right, you’re here too. Ok!!!! This is why we should introduce Premier League-style relegation to the NFL as we’ve said many times before! Rookie QB CJ Stroud is a talent, and I don’t want to ignore that, but they don’t have much in the wide receiving option for him, As much as a young star can transform a team (see: Bengals), you’re also going to need a strong coach to teach a bunch of rag tags into a team, and I’m not sure we can expect any kind of consistency from these boys yet.

Indianapolis Colts

The crown jewel in our collection of Offseason Contract Holdout Drama, boy do we have a juicy one here for y’all. The Colts have had a tough couple of years, struggling to find and KEEP talent, but through it all has been their star player: Johnathan Taylor (noted contributor to Katrin’as fantasy team and fellow Badger alum). He had a particularly stellar 2021-2022 season, but last year didn’t live up to the hype as much, which is a fair critique but also the team was kinda all over the place (like they almost made the playoffs but then didn’t, they hired Jeff Saturday as a coach for awhile, and then in the draft they tried to trade up but like messed up???? feels like wires constantly getting crossed). This year his contract was up, and he asked for Big Money. The Colts were like, uh, you didn’t play that well last year, and also running backs are worthless now (the punditry in this sport continues to be outrageous), so No. And then JT was like ok fine then I want to be traded, and the Colts said NO, and now he’s been on the “injured” list (well actually he’s on the Player Unfit to Play list which is a whole other thing but not important). Then owner Jim Irsay, who may have more charm than Ron DeSantis but probably not by much, rolled up to a preseason practice in his super luxury RV and pulled Jonathan Taylor aside and was like we really want you to stay we’ll do ANYTHING. An JT was like, uh cool? then give me money?? And they still said no. They apparently tried to send him to Miami (demanding a bunch of draft picks AND Jaylen Waddle…a steep ask I’m sorry!), and now they remain at a stand off. There’s a lot of nitty gritty contract details (he has to play a certain amount of games to get paid or something? Idk it can’t be important) I’m skipping over but basically the team is headed into week 1 with a Freshman qb and without their best player. Yikes! New coach Steve Steichen (snatched up from the eagles) will look to keep the team on more of a clear track this year, but unclear how well that will go— the aforementioned frosh is Anthony Richardson, one of the most controversial picks of the 2023 draft. Some had him rumored to take the top spot (and by that I mean some people on reddit)- but his time at Florida was pockmarked with picks, inconsistencies, and btw he didn’t play that many games. He could be amazing? He could be terrible? Literally no one knows, but we’re living for the drama around this team, Indiana has NO business being this spicy.

Tennessee Titans

It’s hard to imagine this team will be as viral and successful as their schedule release video- I am whatever the opposite of a Ryan Tannehill Truther is. I am underwhelmed by him, and their star player Derrick Henry is (hot take alert) kinda a one trick pony—don’t get me wrong it’s a GREAT trick where he just barrels through opposing teams, but if it doesn’t work, this offense does noooothing for me. Acquiring DeAndre Hopkins is potentially Mike Vrabel’s stab at adding some diversity to the offensive plan, but he isn’t as good as he has been in the past. I could see this being a flop year for the Titans, who have been high-middles for the last few years. Next thing you know they’ll be calling it the Viral Schedule Video Curse, mark my words. Anyways I will continue to watch this every time it comes up, tag yourself I am Lightning McQueen (and my life IS a highway!)

Jacksonville Jaguars

Ok last but not least in the AFC beasts!!!! (Yes, I am realizing I should have put the AFC East last and that would have made my rhyme scheme easier, SUE ME I MADE A MISTAKE). Home of the guy from the Good Place, Jacksonville may seem to have very little to offer in terms of “culture”. If you told me before I started watching this dumb sport that Florida had THREE TEAMS and one of them was in Jacksonville, I probably wouldn’t have believed, and I’ll be honest, I miss the naivete of my younger self (I, Katrina, thought before watching football that this team was actually in Jacksonville ARKANSAS. Who knew there were two Jacksonvilles?? Two Jacksonvilles 2 many if you ask me). Turns out they do have a team, and not so long ago they were Very Bad, Bad enough to secure No. 1 pick Trevor Lawrence, who unlike Justin Herbert, is solely vibes, incredible salad (which I am contractually obligated to comment on). After a rocky first year, Doug Pederson came in and the Jags were…not so bad! They’r pretty good at scoring points (definitely an essential part of Winning), and it seems like this team is getting better each year— adding Calvin Ridley only boosts that btw (he was the one who was suspended for gambling all of last year, yes that was the same year Deshaun Watson was not suspended for a whole year, no that does not seem fair, so we are giving Calvin our full support). They also have some EXCELLENT names in their receiver corps: Tank Bigsby & Brenton Strange, as well as their OWN Josh Allen (except this one plays defense, which lead to my personal favorite moment of the 2022-23 season, when Josh Allen was sacked by Josh Allen).

Key Takeaways

Phew that was a lot of teams. Important to remember that sports seasons are long and bend toward chaos, so it’s way too early to make any predictions. That being said, the bills are winning the super bowl this year. I kid! Really there are a ton of stand outs in the AFC, as well as some teams that seem to have a lot to figure out. BOTH of which make for good television in our opinions! Make sure to read our NFC preview (much like skipping Untucked after drag race, if you miss it you’ll only be getting half the story), and let’s go do some football!!!!