Writers Strike takes Football: NFL Week 1
We like to say the NFL Scriptwriters work very hard to make things interesting, but as they pointed out in their promo (why are they doing promo for a league I am in the middle of watching, don’t ask me)- sometimes you can’t make this stuff up. Week One of this season really felt like one of those times- and though a lot of the football was bad (they’re rusty!) it still had some topics worth talking about and some SPICY incidents we were liiiiiiving for. Let’s talk ball!
GAMES WE DIDN’T WATCH (sue us!)
Texans 9 Ravens 25- Lamar & Co. off to a solid start, live love greatest kicker in the NFL Justin Tucker
Bucs 20 Vikings 17- A tight one in minnie! Vikes kept it close but Baker Mayfield loves to prove the haters wrong too much to lose.
Panthers 10 Falcons 24- Big game for the nfc south status but honestly couldn’t care less- two baby QBs just trying their best!
Cardinals 16 Commanders 20- TANK SEASON IN PROGRESS
Jags 31 Colts 21- Indy looking sad without Jonathan Taylor, Jags picking up where they left off last year.
Titans 15 Saints 16- VERY boring game, many field goal, 0 touchdowns, Derek Carr threw 1 great pass! But also an interception.
Broncos 16 Raiders 17- Broncos country has yet to ride.
Eagles 25 Patriots 20- Philly made their fans sweeeaaaat this one out- New England snuck up on them late in the game but a win is a win
Rams 30 Seahawks 13- This is the payback I get for hyping up Geno Smith and throwing shade at the Rams…smh
Dolphins 36 Chargers 34- VERY hyped up match for two HIGH POWERED offenses that did not disappoint. RIP to anyone who faced Tyreek & Tua in fantasy (@Katrina).
Packers 38 Bears 20- Feelin the (Jordan) love in Green Bay, and Chicago is starting to think Justin Fields is a…fraud?!?!
GAMES WE WATCHED
Lions 21 Chiefs 20
BIG season kickoff vibes! Unfortunately this game was complete garbage but I am proud of the Lions for pulling it out! Congratulations to Chris Jones, who ended his contract hold out about two days after this loss- he said babe you’re gunna MISS ME when I’m gone and the Chiefs came crawwliiiinnnggg back. Kadarius Toney dropped the ball, no joke, 6 times. Travis Kelce didn’t play (hyperextended his knee earlier in the week). Essentially Patrick Mahomes had NOTHING in terms of offensive weapons. And it showed!
Browns 24 Bengals 3
Joey B would not end up being the biggest disappointment of my week, but it was a close one- this was really not the Bengals day! I will give them the caveat that the weather in Cleveland was absolute ASS- rainy footballs are hard to catch! something that was proven to us over and over! But moreover, the Bengals offensive line just didn’t have an answer for the Browns, specifically Myles Garrett, who is an absolute BEAST. I do think this Cincy performance is a good example of some offseason rust- Burrow missed most of the pre season with his calf injury, the weather wasn’t giving, and the Browns came out HOT, so I am not giving up on them yet. We’ve seen the Bengals grow as a team as the season goes on, and honestly I’d rather them save their strength for later, but a divisional loss is always tough to take. Does it seem like I am avoiding giving the Browns any credit for this win? I am! In this house we will never fuck with D*sh**n W*ts*n! End of Ad!
49ers 30 Steelers 7
Because the above game was so boring, I tuned in to this absolute DEMOLITION of the Steelers. Every year we say Kyle Shanahan CAN’T keep getting away with this, and yet! He! Does! Brandon Aiyuk had a GREAT game with two touchdowns and EIGHT receptions, Deebo Samuel did Deebo things (5 receptions) and Christian McCaffrey notched 152yds. Brock Purdy did what he was supposed to do- he threw the ball and it didn’t get intercepted! Huge slay for him. The hits keep coming for the Steelers on the other hand— quite literally, for Kenny Pickett, who was sacked 5 times (and threw 2 interceptions), AND for star player Cam Heyward, who injured his groin and will require surgery. Najee Harris also underperformed on the day, adding insult to injury. The ceiling for the Steelers is higher than this performance, but the general takeaway from this game is that San Francisco is better than we were prepared for.
Cowboys 40 Giants 0
ooooof. Giants baby whats going ON!!!! You cannot let the Cowboys get a win like this- they’re INSUFFERABLE now! The Cowboys defense put on an absolute clinic on Sunday night— as I said in our preview, the Cowboys defense was good last year but somehow they’re set to be even better. You’re seeing it here, they’re even better! Daniel Jones also just didn’t do much. Pray for the Giants fan in your life.
Jets 22 Bills 16
Most hyped up game of the week- Met Life stadium was PACKED for Aaron Rodger’s DEBUT AS A JET. The entrance was a page right out of the propaganda handbook: on 9/11, a 9/11 denier running out of the tunnel with an American flag. What a guy! Then, after 4 snaps, he was tackled and left the game with and ankle injury. X-rays came back negative that night but he was ruled out for the rest of the game— the next day an MRI revealed a full Achilles tear and the Jets pride and joy is dead. If you thought the rollercoaster was over- the Jets went on to WIN THE GAME somewhow with Zach Wilson at quarterback. I’m sorry WHAT?!?!?! When you’re a jet you’re a jet all the way. Putting aside the fact that this Rodgers injury is the funniest possible outcome (the amount of off season hype was truly unmatched), COach Robert Saleh was truly truly suffering on Monday night. The pain in this man’s eyes…unmatched. Luckily his defense pulled through (specifically Jordan Whitehead & Jermaine Johnson who snagged Interceptions, as well as undrafted rookie Xavier Gipson on special teams who snagged a walk off punt return in OT for the win). When I woke up to see that AFTER AARON RODGERS HAD LEFT THE GAME the Jets STILL won, I thought I had woken up in the upside down. Josh Allen, my love, my prince, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Three interceptions, sacked 5 times, trash. Like Joey B, I’ll give him time to warm up.
Looking Ahead
DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WEEK ONE RESULTS MAKE OR BREAK THE SEASON EXCEPT FOR THE JETS, THEIR SEASON IS OVER. Anyways tune in to see the Eagles try to make up for the whole “almost letting the patriots win” thing on Thursday Night Football (on prime, which we can only hope has better luck with her slot of games this season!), Bengals look to bounce back against the Ravens, Dolphins face Patriots in prime time, and then MY NEW ORLEANS Saints are taking on the Panthers on Monday Night!
