A HOOLIGAN PROBLEM
Welcome back to your bi-weekly/it’s supposed to be weekly/march madness is happening so we took last week off/whatever deadlines mean nothing here soccer round up! This week we’re covering (that’s right, COVERING, we’re HOT OFF THE PRESSES) the Champion’s League quarterfinal draw, Arsenal’s faith in their hot coach, continued turmoil at PSG, and a THRILLING El Classico that has the whole world talking about Barca’s RETURN TO GREATNESS. Oh, and there will be a discussion of HOOLIGANS (i.e fans being OOC), and we’ll prep you for the international break (which we don’t typically do so, you’re welcome!).
In the Champion’s League…
Since we skipped last week we missed the chance to recap the second half of the second legs of the round of 16 (so many qualifying adjectives there): Man United fell to Atletico, Juventus fell to Villareal (shock and awe!!!!!), Benefica beat Ajax, and Lille lost to Chelsea. That leaves us with 3 Spanish teams, 3 Premier League teams, 1 Portuguese team, and 1 German team. And you see this is why people shit on the other leagues! Coming up in early April (after the int’l break): Benefica vs Liverpool, Man City vs Atletico, Bayern vs Villareal, and, the jewel matchup, Chelsea vs. Real Madrid.
In the Premier League…
Ok not to hyperbolize but I think Arsenal might be good again? Shoutout to Stan Kroenke, though he is evil, for not giving up on smoking hot Mikael Arteta when things were looking rough for this team (almost like we shouldn’t be firing managers the second something goes awry, but what do I know!) Since ditched Aubamayeng as deadweight during the January transfer portal, the young stars of the Gunners have more space to shine on the pitch. Namely: Bukayo Saka, who you may remember was racially harassed after missing a penalty @ the Euros this past summer. This weekend, he scored the only goal of the match to lead Arsenal to victory.
Elsewhere in the UK, Leeds United (led by the REAL LIFE TED LASSO JESSE MARSCH) won a game!!!!!! This is huge for them and for American soccer (football) fans in terms of being Taken Seriously. Tottenham thrashedWest Ham in a Very Important London Derby (tbh, there are so many london teams in this dang league that there is a london derby of some kind every week), and other than that there wasn’t too much happening because teams were playing midweek and doing FA Cup activities (Everton losing 4-0, Liverpool winning 1-0, Man City winning 4-1).
In La Liga…
Ay dios mio Barca has won El Classico, ending a 5 game DROUGHT and capturing coach Xavi’s first big win over Real Madrid. If you’re wondering what’s changed for this team, which was supposed to be on a long decline and a slow rebuild and wondering if they’ll ever be good again, well, thank the coach! Xavi has invested in the young players and made excellent choices with his trades (see: getting Aubamayeng from Arsenal, a man who has been unable to stop scoring goals since his arrival in La Liga). Auba’s arrival has re-engergized old hats as well, such as Dembele, who reportedly wanted out and had implied he could go to a better team (has since quieted tho so…). Now, granted, Real Madrid were missing their top scorer (and the league’s top scorer) and noted Prostitute Wrangler Karim Benzema, and in his absence Carlo Ancelotti just completely forgot how to create a lineup (playing Luca Modric as a false number 9 is….not it). What does this mean for Real’s title hopes? Probably not much, they’re still decidedly into the lead (Barca 9 points behind with 9 games left), however it’s not the slam dunk it once was.
In Ligue Un Uber Eats…
I forgot that Uber Eats was the main sponsor of the French league until I was tuning into my podcast this week and it is definitely something we do NOT give them enough shit for. Am I stalling? Yes a little! PSG lost 3-0 at Monaco over the weekend, marking their third straight defeat away from home. Listen I am not tactical genius I’ll admit it, but things have GOT to change at this club fam. This “pour money into big names” strategy hasn’t created any semblance of a team, Coach Poch has completely checked out (why wouldn’t he? He’s getting fired this year anyway), and I can’t imagine who’d want his job next. Considering they have one of the best academies in professional football one might think they’d look to their youth programs to give the club a boost, but those kids aren’t getting playing time, and after a certain point practicing against Neymar just isn’t going to cut it. In more exciting news, MArseille won the southern derby (and a growing rivalry) vs Nice 2-1, scoring on a penalty and cashing in on a poor ref call (Nice should have been awarded a penalty but weren’t). Sadly, in response to the drama from earlier this year (remember this game had to be called off halfway through), Nice fans were banned from the stade velodrome, which apparently is just a thing the french police can do any time they think there might be drama. Having been to a game in parc des princes and watched these games on TV, I would suggest they’re better off actually searching bags (like how do these people bring flares in? That seems bonkers to me), but what do I know!
Anyways, the league supposedly has a hooligan problem and no where is that more apparent than at Bordeaux, where the keeper got into a fight with fans over the weekend (to be fair they haven’t kept a clean sheet all season, which is not only his fault but it’s not NOT his fault you know???). After the match players were barricaded into their locker room as fans aired their grievances and attempt to storm in and yell at the players. Drama! On the one hand, they fans feel entitled to better performances by the club they support. On the other hand, I am sure the players don’t love losing either so! Let’s maybe all get along ok!
In Serie A…
The Rome derby was not as good of a game as we thought it would be, since Roma showed up and decided to absolutely DUNK on Lazio. Honestly we talk a lot of shit about Mourinho in the footy world, and he is a truly comically evil character, it’s undeniable, but Roma is an excellent destination for his coaching career at the moment. Seeking to revive his rep after failed stints at both Man U and Spurs, Jose has revived this Serie A team in less than a year and if he’s able to stick around for 1-2 more, he could make them into proper contenders. Unless, that is, his ego gets the better of him and he seeks out greener pastures (like, idk, PSG, but god please god I hope not because that would be an utter disaster). In the ever exciting title race, things remain uncomfortably close between Milan, Inter, and Napoli, and knowing how sneaky juventus can be we are not completely ready to count them out. Inter failed to beat Fiorentina this past weekend, so they’re stuck in third at the moment, but still have a game in hand. Tbh the real dissapointment here is that no Serie A teams have survived in the champion’s league, which makes it really hard to defend this league’s legitimacy and it’s a huge bummer to see them fail on the bigger stage.
COMING UP: International Break
Doesn’t it feel like we JUST had one of these? Well there’s a super corrupt world cup to prepare for baby, so international break is back and the competition is FIERCE. As you may have heard (from this very blog, I am sure, the top source for your week old sports news), Russia will not be having any international fixtures this time around (because of the whole potentially starting WWIII situation), but everyone else will and it’s a win or go home type of vibe. Italy has to get through North Macedonia and then it is likely that they will face Portugal in a winner take all game that will leave the losing team with a loooot of calendar space for themselves in World Cup Szn. This is a big deal, all spurred by Italy failing to win their group in the last round of euro qualifying, and if the Azzurri miss two world cups in a row I think there may be widespread marinara rioting. Winning the Euros and then failing to make the world cup? Could be pretty embarrassing.
For our boys in the stars and stripes, our little baby eagles, well, I don’t totally know what it will take for them to qualify for the World Cup at this point because the CONCACAF qualification (THE OCTOGON) is stupid complicated, but there WILL be matches and they WILL be important. We’ll face rival Mexico (let’s hope with less hooliganism this time!), Panama, and Keylor Navas’s Costa Rica over this break. Who’s NOT going to be there? Brenden Aaronson, a key player out with a knee injury (he plays in the Austrian bundesliga). But luckily Christian Pulisic is coming AND the similarly injury prone Gio Reyna will be back in action, so hopefully we can pull of a Miracle on Grass.
